PERKINS  LIBRARY 

Duke  University 


I^dre  Books 


The  Gift  of- 


Date^   C  rCMAAjJJUU 


t 


*fip/ 


MERRY  TALES 

OF    THE 

THREE  WISE  MEN  OF  GOTHAM. 

EDITED   BY    THE   AUTHOR   Or 

JOHN  BULL  IN  AMERICA, 


"  Three  Wisa  Men  of  Gotham 
"  Went  to  Sea  in  a  Bowl : 
"  If  the  Bowl  had  been  stronger, 
"My  Talcs  had  been  longer." 


NEW-YORK: 
G.    &    C.    CARVILL,    10S   BROADWAY 

Sleight  &  Tucker,  Printers,  Jamaica. 

1S26. 


A 


SOUTHERN  DISTRICT  OF  NEW-YORK,  SS. 
Be  it  remembered,  that  on  the  twenty-eighth  day  of  February, 
A.  D.  KV26,  in  the  fiftieth  year  of  the  Independence  of  the  United 
States  of  America,  G.  and  C.  Carvill  of  the  said  district,  have 
deposited  in  this  office  the  title  of  a  book,  the  right  -whereof  they 
claim  as  proprietors,  in  the  words  following,  to  wit  : 

"The   Merry  Tales  of  the    Three  Wise   Men   of  Gotham. 
Edited  by  the  Author  of  John  Bull  in  America. 
"  Three  Wise  Men  of  Gotham 
"  Went  to  Sea  in  a  Bowl : 
"  If  the  Bowl  had  been  stronger, 
"  My  Tales  had  been  longer." 
In  conformity  to  the  Act  of  Congress  of  the  United  Stales, 
entitled,  "  An  Act  for  the  encouragement  of  learning,  by  secu- 
ring the  copies  of  maps,  charts,  and  books,  to  the  authors  and 
proprietors  of  such  copies,  during  the  times  therein  mentioned;" 
and  also,  to  an  Act,  entitled,  "  An  Act,  supplementary  to  an  Act, 
entitled  an  Act  for  the  encouragement  of  learning,  by  securing  the 
copies  of  maps,  charts,  and  books,  to  the  authors  and  proprietors 
of  such  copies,  during  the  times  therein  mentioned,  and  extending 
the  benefits  thereof  to  the  arts  of  designing,  engraving,  and  etch- 
ing historical  and  other  prints." 

JAMES    DILL, 
Clerk  of  the  Southern  District  of  New-York. 


U\OP)P) 


p 


INTRODUCTORY  DISSERT ATION 


.Although  most  of  the  celebrated  cities  of  anti- 
quity have  been  described  with  such. accuracy,  and 
their  situations  pointed  out  with  so  much  precision, 
that  there  is  little  difficulty  in  at  least  making  a 
tolerable  guess  at  their  remains  ;  yet  are  there 
two  most  remarkable  exceptions.  To  this  day  no 
one  has  succeeded  in  establishing  beyond  question 
where  Babylon  once  stood,  and  still  less  have  the 
most  indefatigable  inquiries  even  led  to  a  reasonable 
conjecture  as  to  the  site  of  the  little  less  renowned 
city  of  Gotham.  No  circumstance  can  furnish  a 
higher  proof  of  the  superiority  of  the  works  of  the 
head,  over  those  of  the  hands,  than  that  the  fame  of 
these  two  great  cities  should  have  been  preserved 
in  books  long  after  every  other  certain  vestige  of 
their  existence,  had  perished  from  the  face  of  the 
earth. 

History,  sacred  and  profane,  alone  preserves  the 
remembrance  of  Babylon;  and  of  Gotham,  we 
possess  scarcely  any  other  memorial  than  the  im» 


17' 2 142 


mortal  lines,  to  be  found  in  the  title-page  of  this 
work.  And  this  example  furnishes  a  striking  prooi 
of  the  importance  of  heroes,  poets  and  philoso- 
phers in  cities  and  states.  How  many  of  these 
have  been  utterly  forgotten  in  the  lapse  of  time, 
merely  for  want  of  some  great  man  to  rescue 
them  from  oblivion !  Flow  many  of  the  most  insig- 
nificant have,  on  the  contrary,  become  renowned 
solely  in  consequence  of  having  been  the  birth- 
place pr  residence  of  some  illustrious  citizen ! 
Who  would  ever  have  heard  of  Stagira,  but  for  the 
nativity  of  Aristotle?  Who  would  have  remember- 
ed half  the  cities  that  contended  for  the  honour  of 
being  the  birth-place  of  Homer,  had  it  not  been  for 
that  illustrious  rivalry  ?  who  would  not  go  ten  miles 
out  of  the  way  to  avoid  Arpinum,  but  for  the  glory 
of  Cicero  ?  And  who,  finally,  would  ever  have 
dreamed  of  the  existence  of  such  a  city  as  Gotham, 
had  it  not  been  for  the  unparalleled  distinction  of 
having  possessed  three  sages  at  one  and  the  same 
time,  a  circumstance  which  places  her  far  above  all 
the  cities  of  ancient  Greece.  They  had  their 
single  wise  men  ;  and  all  that  the  force  of  ancient 
genius  seems  to  have  been  capable  of,  was  to  pro- 
duce one  of  these  at  a  time.  In  short,  a  thousand 
proofs  are  extant  to  show  that  the  memory  of 
illustrious  men  constitutes  those  everlasting  links 
which  bind  together  the  different  ages  and  nation? 
of  the  earth ;  and  that  were  it  not  for  these  indc- 


structable  landmarks  of  time,  we  should  scarcely 
have  any  thing  to  remind  us,  that  we  have  been 
preceded  by  hundreds  of  generations. 

These  reflections  may  serve  to  place  in  a  more 
striking  point  of  view  the  ingratitude  of  mankind. 
in  so  often  neglecting  or  persecuting  those  pro- 
found sages  and  philosophers,  who  not  only  confer 
upon  them  while  living  the  most  substantial  bene- 
fits, but  carry  the  renown  of  their  birth-place 
to  the  latest  posterity.  The  virtues,  talents,  and 
glorious  services,  of  illustrious  men  of  every  na- 
tion, constitute  their  best  inheritance,  their  most 
rational  source  of  pride  and  exultation,  and  it  has 
often  happened  that  the  renown  of  a  people,  like 
that  of  the  Thebans,  began  and  ended  with  a  single 
man.  Yet  how  often  we  find  nations  either  entire- 
ly indifferent  to  their  best  benefactors,  or  persecu- 
ting them  with  all  the  barbarous  rigors  of  religious, 
political,  or  philosophical  intolerance !  Not  to 
mention  the  numerous  instances  recorded  of  an- 
cient times,  we  shall  find,  even  in  the  most  enlight- 
ened ages,  humanized  by  the  mild  and  forgiving 
precepts  of  Christianity,  these  examples  if  possible 
still  more  numerous  and  flagrant.  Galileo  is  a 
hackneyed  instance  5  but  it  is  not  so  generally 
known  that  Newton  was  charged  by  bigotry  and 
ignorance  with  holding  opinions  at  war  with  or- 
thodoxy, and  Locke  expelled  from  that  reverend 
bedlam,  Oxford,  by  political  intolerance.     Amon^ 

1* 


72142 


{he  most  illustrious  reformers,  as  well  as  the  oaosl 
enlightened  of  reasoners,  Melancthon,  Erasmus, 
and  even  Theodore  Beza,  were  suspected  and  de- 
nounced, because  they  did  not  keep  pace  with  the 
rampant  zealots  of  the  times,  who  would  willingly 
have  warmed  them  at  the  stake.  In  short,  it 
would  seem  to  be  among  the  inflexible  dispensa- 
tions of  Providence,  that  no  selfish  motive  should 
ever  operate  upon  the  great  benefactors  of  man- 
kind, in  their  glorious  endeavours,  since  all  they 
can  rationally  anticipate  as  their  reward  in  this 
world,  is  to  pass  their  lives  amid  persecutions  and 
slanders,  among  a  race  of  ungrateful  beings,  who 
never  become  sensible  of  their  ingratitude  or  their 
obligations,  till  it  is  too  late  to  make  reparation. 

Owing  to  this  waywardness  of  mankind  it  has 
happened,  that  now  when  a  disposition  prevails  to 
do  justice  to  the  illustrious  dead,  and  for  want  of  a 
sufficient  number  of  distinguished  persons  to  employ 
the  pens  of  the  innumerable  biographers  that  stand 
ready,  pen  in  hand,  to  strip  the  dead  before  they  are 
cold,  and  lay  their  foibles  open  to  the  world,  they 
are  fain  to  bestow  their  labours  on  persons  whose 
greatest  merit  is  their  insignificance. — Owing  to 
this,  I  say,  it  has  happened  that  not  only  the  pre- 
cise place  occupied  by  the  famous  city  of  Gotham, 
but  likewise  the  eera  in  which  her  three  sages 
flourished,  cannot  now  be  ascertained.  All  that 
can  be  done  is  to  grope  in  the  obscurity  of  vague 


conjecture,  and  then  leave  the  matter  more  obscure 
than  before.  It  may  be,  however,  worth  while  to 
pass  in  review  the  different  opinions  heretofore  ad- 
vanced upon  this  important  point. 

Some  will  have  it,  that  Gotham  was  the  ancient 
capital  of  the  Goths,  of  whom,  we  thank  our  stars, 
king  Roderick  was  the  last,  according  to  Mr. 
Southey.  At  any  rate  we  hope  it  will  be  the  last 
of  the  laureate's  epics.  Others,  on  the  contrary, 
have  maintained  with  great  ;:eal  that  Gotham  is  a 
corruption  of  Gotha,  the  seat  of  a  northern  univer- 
sity, where  they  philosophise  pretty  deeply,  and 
study  metaphvsics.  A  third  class  of  inquirers  af- 
firm, that  such  a  city  never  existed,  because  they 
have  not  been  able  to  find  any  traces  of  its  exist- 
ence, which  in  our  opinion  is  the  poorest  reason  in 
the  world.  The  four  lines  of  our  title-page,  furnish 
better  proof  of  its  existence  than  all  the  fragments 
of  Carthage,  or  stately  ruins  of  Thebes  and  Palmyra. 
Antiquaries  ought  to  blush  for  such  frivolous  doubts  ! 
They  are  utterly  unworthy  of  the  strong  faith  which 
should  ever  animate  this  class  of  explorers. 

Among  the  vast  variety  of  opinions  upon  this 
point,  that  which  identifies  Gotham  with  the  fa- 
mous city  of  Gottingen,  which  is  the  seat  of  a  uni- 
versity, founded  by  the  renowned  Baron  Munchau- 
sen, is  not  the  least  plausible  at  first  sight.  There 
are  numerous  examples  not  only  of  cities  but  of 
empires,  whose  names,  being  ill  adapted  to  poetry. 


8 

have  been  changed  into  others  more  musical  and 
harmonious.  In  short,  almost  all  countries  have  a 
prosaical  and  a  poetical  name — Gallia,  Iberia,  Au- 
sonia,  Hesperia,  Albion,  Hibernia,  Columbia,  and  a 
hundred  others,  will  at  once  occur  to  the  general 
reader.  It  will  readily  be  conceded  by  all  unpre- 
judiced persons,  that  Gottingen,  is  neither  sono- 
rous, musical  or  poetical,  and  therefore  without  any 
great  violation  of  probability,  we  may  suppose  a 
poet  of  a  delicate  ear  would  soften  it  down  to  Go- 
tham, a  name  wonderfully  adapted  to  poetry.  But 
there  is  a  still  stronger  presumption  in  favour  of  this 
opinion.  At  Gottingen,  as  we  are  credibly  inform- 
ed, the  professors  actually  adventure  upon  animal 
magnetism,  phrenology  and  such  dangerous  sciences, 
which  would  seem  to  justify  a  shrewd  suspicion, 
they  would  not  be  a  whit  too  good  to  venture  out 
to  sea  in  a  large  bowl,  well  ballasted  with  punch, 
such  as  whilom  used  to  be  placed  upon  the  smoking 
board  of  a  jolly  New  Netherlander,  by  four  stout 
menials  on  new  year's  eve,  ere  the  dire  irruption  of 
liqueurs,  and  other  outlandish  poisons.  Nor  would 
this  adventure  have  appeared  so  rash  as  might  seem 
at  first  sight,  since  we  have  been  assured  by  a  per- 
son of  great  experience  in  nautical  affairs  and 
punch  drinking,  that  there  is  a  natural  antipathy 
between  salt  water  and  punch,  insomuch  that  being 
once  half  seas  over,  he  fell  into  the  ocean  with  a 
bowl  of  punch  in  his   hands,   and  floated  several 


9 

hours,  quietly  sipping,  until  he  was  taken  up  again  ; 
not  a  single  drop  of  sea  water  had  polluted  his  le- 
verage all  this  while.  He  declares  a  punchbowl 
is  far  preferable  to  a  life  boat,  and  a  skin  well 
lined  with  punch,  a  thousand  times  superior  to  a 
cork  jacket.  These  facts  arc  sufficient  to  put  to 
the  blush,  all  those  who  conceive  it  any  imputation 
upon  our  Three  Wise  Men,  that  they  should  ven- 
lure  to  sea  in  a  bowl. 

But  there  is  one  opinion  put  forth  by  certain 
English  writers,  who,  if  they  could  bring  it  about, 
would  not  leave  the  rest  of  the  world  a  single  phi- 
losopher, which  we  are  inclined  to  treat  with  infi- 
nite contempt.  We  mean  the  absurd  notion,  that 
Gotham  is  actually  a  town  in  Northamptonshire, 
or  rather  a  rotten  borough,  which,  although 
entirely  destitute  of  inhabitants,  returns  three 
members,  who  are  generally  called  the  Wise  Men 
of  Gotham,  because  they  instinctively  vote  with 
the  ministry,  agreeably  to  the  instructions  of  their 
constituents.  It  is  said  that  this  place  was  re- 
markable for  goats  in  the  time  of  William  the  con- 
queror, and  that  the  people  used  to  ride  them, 
instead  of  horses,  which,  in  the  opinion  of  some, 
gave  rise  to  their  being  called  the  Wise  Men,  or 
according  to  the  opinions  of  others,  the  Mad  Men 
of  Gotham.  A  great  Oxford  antiquary,  of  whom 
it  has  been  said  that  he  remembered  whatever 
others   forgot,  and  forgot  whatever  other  people 


10 

remembered,  speaks  of  the  "  Merry  Tales  of  the 
Mad  Men  of  Gotham,"  a  work  in  great  repute 
in  his  time,  when  the  kindest  name  given  to  a  phi- 
losopher, was  that  of  madman,  a  phrase  which  oft- 
en saved  him  from  the  stake  or  the  block.  This 
work  was  long  supposed  to  be  extinct,  but  at  length 
came  to  light,  not  long  since,  at  Mr.  Bindley's  sale, 
and  was  bought  by  a  young  American  traveller  for 
a  trifle,  owing  to  the  deplorable  ignorance  of  two 
munificent  noblemen,  who  little  suspected  that  it 
was  the  only  copy  in  the  known  world,  and  for  that 
reason  considered  it  as  worth  nothing. 

It  is  this  work  which  is  now  presented  to  the 
reader,  divested  of  its  antique  garb,  that  it  may  be 
more  extensively  circulated  and  understood,  and 
restored  to  its  genuine  title  of  the  "  Merry  Tales  of 
the  Three  Wise  Men  of  Gotham."  It  was  thought 
inhuman  to  hoard  up  the  treasure,  and  keep  all  this 
huge  bundle  of  knowledge  to  ourselves,  after  the 
manner  of  certain  great  lovers  of  literature,  who 
think  a  book  is  like  a  mistress,  of  no  value  if  her 
beauties  are  enjoyed  by  another.  But  to  return  to 
our  subject. 

Though  we  have  adopted  the  work  as  genuine, 
we  are  by  no  means  inclined  to  humour  the  English 
writers  ia  their  claim  to  this  illustrious  city.  They 
are  welcome  to  London  and  Liverpool,  and  even  to 
Oxford  and  Cambridge,  with  all  our  heart.  But  as 
to  the  renowned  city  of  Gotham,  we  will  not  yield 


11 

a  single  hair  of  its  head  to  England  or  any  other 
country.  We  are  willing  to  let  the  matter  rest  as 
it  is,  so  that  every  nation  may  have  an  equal  claim, 
but  our  disinterestedness  will  go  no  farther.  All  we 
will  concede  is,  that  Gotham,  like  some  illustrious 
philosophers  and  benefactors  of  the  human  race,  is 
a  city  belonging  to  the  whole  civilized  world.  The 
emporium  of  the  arts,  the  head-quarters  of  philo- 
sophy, and  the  illustrious  scat  of  the  perfection  of 
reason.  Whether  in  the  new  or  the  old  world,  is 
of  little  consequence,  since  such  is  its  glory  and 
renown,  that  there  is  quite  enough  of  it  to  satisfy 
half  a  dozen  worlds.  Leaving  this  part  of  our 
inquiry  to  take  care  of  itself,  we  will  proceed  to 
discuss  other  equally  important  matters. 

It  cannot  be  sufficiently  lamented  by  those  who 
rightly  consider  the  forgetting  of  any  thing  a  great 
misfortune,  whether  it  was  worth  remembering  or 
not,  thatsuchaculpablecarelessness  and  indifference 
prevailed  in  early  times  in  respect  of  the  little  pe- 
culiarities and  private  particulars  which  no  doubt 
distinguished  the  great  men  of  those  days.  It  is 
melancholy  to  think  how  much  we  read,  and  how 
little  we  know  of,  the  great  writers  of  antiquity. 
The  race  of  pains-taking  biographers,  who  in  the  pre- 
sent age  so  amply  furnish  all  these  interesting  par- 
ticulars, was  unknown  at  that  time,  at  least  none  of 
their  works  have  come  down  to  us.  It  is  owing  in 
a  great  measure  to  this  circumstance,  that  the  great 


12 


men  of  antiquity  preserve  a  sort  ot'  prescriptive  su- 
periority over  the  moderns  ;  not  that  they  were  re- 
ally wiser  or  more  virtuous,  or  brave,  but  because 
there  were  no  prying,  curious,  industrious,  pains- 
taking persons,  who  noted  their  foibles,  set  down 
their  folly  for  wisdom,  and  made  use  of  the  intimacy 
they  had  obtained  by  cringing  sycophancy,  to  fur- 
nish themselves  with  materials  to  shame  them  with 
posterity. 

Thus  it  is  that  the  ancients  tower  above  the  mo- 
derns, because  of  the  former  we  know  scarcely  any 
thing  but  what  is  great,  and  the  greatness  of  the  lat- 
ter is  overshadowed  by  littlenesses.  Their  virtues 
and  vices,  their  wisdom  and  folly,  their  magnanimi- 
ty and  meanness,  their  strength  and  their  weakness, 
are  so  mixed  up,  and  withal  so  impartially  dwelt 
upon  by  the  faithful  biographer,  that  we  approach 
the  most  illustrious  sage  with  the  familiarity  of  a 
pert  valet,  by  long  service  become  acquainted  with 
all  the  foibles  and  secrets  of  his  master.  We  be- 
come as  it  were  quite  relieved  from  that  sense  of 
degrading  inferiority  inspired  by  the  naked  simpli- 
city of  ancient  virtue,  as  handed  down  to  us  by 
writers  so  neglectful  of  their  duty,  as  one  half  the 
time  to  forget  whether  their  heroes  had  in  reality 
any  vices  to  bring  them  down  to  the  level  of  hu- 
manity.    * 

Still  more  is  it  to  be  regretted  that  the  noble  am- 
bition of  collecting  those  works  which  derive  their 


L3 

peculiar  value  from  having  been  long  since  forgot- 
ten, did  not  originate  somewhat  earlier,  and  before 
so  many  valuable  relics,  so  much  invaluable  infor- 
mation, had  been  irretrievably  lost.  Follies  and 
weaknesses  that  might  have  been  dignified  by  the 
examples  of  illustrious  men,  are  become  degraded 
by  being  supposed  to  appertain  exclusively  to  the 
vulgar;  and  the  mousing  gossipl  of  literature  cheat- 
ed of  all  chance  of  pulling  to  pieces  the  character  of 
an  ancient  worthy. 

This  blameable  neglect  in  recording  the  little- 
nesses and  preserving  memorials  of  the  vices  of 
great  persons,  can  perhaps  best  be  accounted  for 
and  excused,  on  the  supposition  that  a  great  portion 
of  the  now  illustrious  sages  of  antiquity  had  not 
their  merits  brought  to  light  until  long  after  they 
were  dead,  when  the  only  memorials  of  their 
having  once  existed,  were  their  immortal  works. 
Conquerors,  heroes,  and  fashionable  bards,  receive 
the  admiration  of  their  cotemporaries,  and  reap 
their  harvest  while  living  ;  but  sages  and  virtuous 
men  must,  for  the  most  part,  content  themselves 
with  being  venerated  in  their  ashes,  and  rewarded 
in  a  future  world.  The  difference  between  the 
mere  vulgar  idol  of  a  fashionable  mob,  and  the  re- 
tired votary  of  wisdom,  genius,  and  virtue,  is,  that 
the  one  is  remembered  while  living  and  forgot  when 
dead,  while  the  other  emerges  to  light  and  immor- 
tality at  the  moment  he  ceases  to  live.     It  is  then 


.14 

that  the  literary  "resurrection  men,"  for  the  fil 
time,  discover  that  he  is  worth  disinterring,  and 
that  they  set  about  disturbing  his  ashes,  and  raking 
up,  with   pious  industry,  the  memory  of  all  those 
little,  frivolous,   and  impertinent  particulars,   the 
knowledge   of  which  answers  little  other  purpose 
but  that  of  adding  to  our  contempt  for  poor  human 
nature.     Thus  it  is^that  the  longer  the  time  which 
elapses  after  the  death  of  great  men,  before  man- 
kind   discover   they    were  really  great,   the  more 
fortunate  for  their  lasting  reputation.     They  revive 
with  greater  lustre,  when  all   the  little  clouds  and 
shadows   which  dimmed  their  glories   are   passed 
away,  and  appear  in  the  imperishable  brightness 
of  their  own  immortal  productions.     Of  Homer, 
Shakspeare,  and  the  few  names  that  occupy  the 
summit  of  the   temple  of  Fame,  how  little  do  we 
know  ;  while  every  body  knows  all  about  the  lesser 
lights,  that  will    twinkle   for  a   little  while  in  the 
darkness  which  surrounds   them,  and  then  go  out 
for    ever.      The    "Great    Unknown,"    has,    we 
are  credibly  informed,  not  less  than  six  industrious 
"  resurrection  men,"  watching  day  and  night  only 
for  the  breath  to  be  fairly  out  of  his  body,  to  make 
an  example  of  him.     Nay,   so  impatient  are  they 
for  his  decease,  that  it  is  currently  rumoured  on  this 
side  the  water,  they  have  it  in  serious  contempla- 
tion to  make  away  with  him   the  first  convenient 
opportunity,   in   their  apprehension   that  he  will 


15 

cheat  them  of  his  biography,  by  unluckily  outliving 
ihem  all.  We  earnestly  advise  him  not  to  go  out  at 
night,- nor  wander  in  solitary  places  ;  or  at  least,  if 
he  will,  to  wear  a  coat  of  mail,  and  take  every  rea- 
sonable precaution.  It  would  be  twice  unfortunate, 
to  be  first  made  away  with,  in  cold  blood,  and  after- 
ward murdered  in  a  biography.  The  best  way,  we 
think,  and  we  advise  him  to  it  forthwith,  will  be  to 
write  his  own  life,  after  the  manner  of  certain  per- 
secuted worthies,  who,  in  order  to  disappoint  the 
mob  of  a  public  spectacle,  fairly  hang  themselves 
up  the  night  before  execution.  Be  this  as  it  may, 
it  is,  without  doubt,  owing  in  a  great  measure  to 
the  fact,  that  our  Three  Wise  Men  were  of  the 
class  of  the  immortals  who  live  only  in  after  ages, 
that  their  fame  has  lain  thus  long,  as  it  were  in 
abeyance,  while  so  many  insignificant  persons  have 
been  handed  down  with  honour,  not  indeed  from 
generation  to  generation,  but  from  the  reviewer  to 
the  magazines,  and  from  the  magazines  to  the 
newspapers. 

A  still  greater  uncertainty,  obtains  in  respect 
to  the  precise  aera  in  which  our  sages  flour- 
ished, than  exists  in  relation  to  the  place  of 
their  nativity.  In  the  original  Black  Letter  copy, 
neither  the  date  of  the  publication,  nor  the  name  of 
the  printer,  are  preserved,  so  that  we  are  left  en- 
tirely in  the  dark,  as  to  these  interesting  particu- 
lars.    Neither  can  any  thing  decisive  be  inferred, 


16 

from  the  nature  of  the  topics  discussed,  or  the 
events  alluded  to,  in  the  course  of  the  work,  since 
nothing  is  more  certain  than  that  the  opinions  as 
well  as  the  events  of  the  world,  like  the  world  it- 
self, are  perpetually  moving  in  a  circle.  Revolv- 
ing years,  as  they  bring  about  a  return  of  the  same 
seasons,  and  the  same  fashions  in  dress,  reproduce 
at  the  same  time  similar  errors  of  the  vulgar,  and 
absurdities  of  the  wise.  Old  errors  are  pretty  sure 
to  return,  after  having  been  absent  long  enough  to 
be  forgotten,  under  a  new  name,  and  with  a  new 
face.  They  are  like  spaniels ;  we  cannot  beat  them 
from  us.  Thus  it  is,  in  like  manner,  with  the  theo- 
ries and  inventions  which  are  daily  passed  upon  us 
for  original,  but  which  fbr  the  most  part,  will  be 
found  to  be  nothing  more  than  revivals  of  old  and 
exploded  fashions,  which  the  world  had  wore  till  it 
was  tired,  and  then  thrown  by  among  the  lumber  of 
antiquity,  for  some  new  rattle,  that  had  its  day,  and 
then  followed  its  predecessor,  quietly  into  a  tem- 
porary oblivion.  To  argue  then  that  the  following 
work  is  modern,  because  it  treats  of  topics  fashion- 
able at  the  present  day,  is  in  effect  to  deny,  what  is 
certainly  true,  that  one  age  is  a  mere  edition  of 
another,  with  some  alterations,  but  the  contents 
substantially  the  same.  It  tickles  human  vanity,  to 
tell  us,  that  we  are  wiser  than  our  fathers  ;  and  it 
is  one  of  those  propositions,  which  is  likely  to  pass 
without  contradiction,  from  the  circumstance  that 


17 

all  those  most  interested  in  denying  it,  are  dead  and 
gone.     But    if   the  grave   could   speak,    and    the 
churchyards   vote    upon    the  question,  we    living 
boasters  would  be  in  a  most  pitiful  minority.     That 
the  knowledge  of  mankind  is  not  always  progressive, 
and  one  age  inevitably  wiser  than  another,  is  ex- 
emplified  most   miserably   in   the   history    of    the 
world.     It  is  only  to   cast  our  eyes  towards  the 
country  of  Homer,  of  Aristotle,  and  of  Socrates,  to 
behold  millions  of  living  testimonies  to  prove  that 
the  mind  of  man,  like  the  crab,  moves  backwards 
and  forwards  with  equal   facility,  and  that  ages  of 
knowledge   seem   naturally   succeeded  by  ages  of 
ignorance.     Man  cannot  do  or  know   every  thing 
at  once  ;  and  it  is  not  altogether  improbable,  that  in 
proportion  as  a  succeeding  age  adds  to  the  know- 
ledge of  a  preceding  one,  it  makes  way  for  it,  by 
displacing  something  equally  important.     Men  may 
forget  as  well  as  learn ;  and,  without  doubt,  many, 
very  many,  wise  and  virtuous  habits  and  practices 
have  been  from  time  to  time  elbowed  out  of  the 
world,  to  make  room   for  outlandish  and   pestilent 
novelties.     He,  therefore,  who  should  take  upon 
him,  to  pronounce  this  work  a  production  of  the 
present  age,  merely  on  the  authority  of  the  topics 
it  discusses,  would  very  probably  decide  that  the 
elderly  gentlemen  about  town  are  all  young,  be- 
cause some  of  them  dress  like  dandies,  dance  cotil- 
lions, and  aspire  to  the  possession  of  youthful  belles. 


18 

Some  may  suppose  that  the  names  of  the  Three 
Wise  Men,  might  possibly  lead  to  detection.  But 
we  feel  bound  in  candour  to  confess  that  these  are 
of  our  own  invention.  Such  is  the  innate  modesty 
of  true  wisdom,  that  not  one  of  this  illustrious  trio 
ever  took  occasion  to  disclose  his  name  to  any  liv- 
ing person,  so  far  as  we  have  been  able  to  discover. 
Certain  it  is,  that  if  they  did,  the  author  or  compiler, 
whose  name  is  equally  unknown,  has  either  wilfully 
or  ignorantly  omitted  it  through  the  whole  course 
of  the  work,  leaving  blanks,  which  we  thought  pro- 
per to  rill  up  to  the  best  of  our  judgment,  as  the 
frequent  omissions  had  an  unpleasant  effect  on  the 
eye  of  the  reader. 

The  circumstance  of  their  going  to  sea  in  a  bowl, 
we  are  rather  inclined  to  consider  as  allegorical : 
or  perhaps  it  may  be  a  poetic  licence.  At  all 
events,  whether  it  be  so  or  not,  it  indicates  in  the 
most  striking  manner,  the  opinion  entertained  by 
the  poet,  of  their  daring  intrepidity  in  thus  ventur- 
ing out  upon  the  most  unstable  of  all  elements,  in  so 
frail  a  barque.  It  shows  a  contempt  of  danger, 
when  encountered  in  search  of  knowledge,  far 
above  that  of  Belzoni,  Parke,  Hornman,  or  any 
martyr  to  Egyptian  mummies,  incognita  African 
rivers,  or  northwest  passages.  A  love  of  know- 
ledge, so  elevated  above  all  fear  of  consequences, 
places  them  on  a  level  with  that  distinguished 
phrenologist  of  Edinburgh,  who  is  reported  to  have 


19 

knocked  out  his  own  brains,  for  the  purpose  of  de- 
monstrating the  truth  of  his  favourite  science. 

Having  now,  as  we  presume  to  flatter  ourselves, 
sufficiently  established  to  the  satisfaction  of  the 
reader  the  three  points  we  set  out  to  prove,  to  wit. 
that  neither  the  birth-place,  the  SBra,  or  the  names  of 
the  Three  Wise  Men  of  Gotham,  can  now  ever  be 
known,  we  shall  put  an  end  to  our  inquiry.  Before 
we  conclude,  however,  we  will  take  occasion  to 
state,  that  the  engraving  in  the  title-page,  is  an 
exact  copy  of  the  frontispiece  to  the  Black 
Letter  copy.  Should  any  doubt  the  existence  of 
the  original,  we  refer  them  to  our  publisher,  for 
further  satisfaction. 

It  may  be  proper  to  add  that  there  is  neither  in- 
troduction nor  preface  to  the  originals  of  these  Tales : 
no  explanation  of  the  particular  circumstances 
which  brought  our  Three  Wise  Men  together  ;  nor 
of  the  occasion,  which  prompted  them  to  relate  their 
stories  to  each  other.  We  may  reasonably,  how- 
ever, suppose  that  it  was  done  to  while  away  the 
tedium  of  a  long  voyage  5  and  that  upon  some  placid 
summer  morning,  while  the  wave  was  calm,  the 
sky  serene,  the  sea-birds  skimming  over  head,  and 
the  dolphins  playing  beside  them,  the  Man  Machine, 
being  politely  requested  by  his  companions,  began, 
as  will  be  seen  in  the  following  pages. 

New  Amsterdam,  February,  1826. 


THE  MAN  MACHINE 


THE  PUPIL   OF   "CIHCU3ISTANCE.S." 


I  was  borfi,  began  the  first  Wise  Man  of  Gotham, 
in  a  country  that  I  consider  unworthy  of  my  na- 
tivity, and  for  that  reason  I  shall  do  all  in  my 
power  to  deprive  it  of  the  honour,  by  not  men- 
tioning its  name.  I  am,  moreover,  descended  from 
a  family,' which  must  necessarily  be  of  great  an- 
tiquity, since,  like  all  old  things,  it  has  long  since 
fallen  into  decay.  My  father  had  little  or  no  mo- 
ney, but  was  blessed  with  the  poor  man's  wealth, 
a  fruitful  wife  and  great  store  of  children.  Of 
these  I  am  the  eldest;  but  at  the  period  I  shall 
commence  my  story,  we  were  all  too  young  to 
take  care  of  ourselves,  until  the  fortunate  disco- 
very was  made  by  some  great  philanthropist,  that 
little  children,  of  six  or  seven  years  old,  could 
labour  a  dozen  or  fourteen  hours  a  day  without, 
stinting  their  minds,  ruining  their  health,  or  de- 
stroying their  morals.  This  improvement  in  the 
great  science  of  proih'ctia'f,  labour,  delighted  my 


father — it  was  shifting  the  onus,  as  the  lawyers 
say,  from  his  own  shoulders  to  that  of  his  chil- 
dren. He  forthwith  bound  us  all  over  to  a  cot- 
i-yv  where  we  stood  upon  our  legs 
three  times  as  long  as  a  member  of  congress,  thai 
is  to  say,  fourteen  hours  a  day,  and  among  eight 
of  us,  managed  to  earn  a  guinea  a  week.  The 
old  gentleman,  for  gentleman  he  became  from  the 
moment  he  discovered  his  little  flock  could  main- 
tain him — thought  he  had  opened  a  mine.  He 
left  off  working,  and  took  to  drinking  and  studying 
the  mysteries  of  political  economy  and  produc- 
tive labour.  He  soon  became  an  adept  in  this 
glorious  science,  and  at  length  arrived  at  the  hap- 
pj  nclusion,  that  the  whole  moral,  physical,  po- 
litical and  religious  organization  of  society,  re- 
solved itself  into  making  the  most  of  human  labour, 
just  as  we  do  of  that  of  our  horses,  oxen,  asses 
and  other  beasts  of  burthen. 

I  was  nine  years  old  when  1  went  into  bond- 
age, and  had  previously  learned  to  read  and  write 
pretty  fluently ;  for  in  my  country  there  are  few 
«o  poor  that  they  cannot  obtain  these  advantages. 
It  was  lucky  for  me,  for  I  never  learned  any 
thing  afterwards  but  the  art  of  adding  to  the 
amount  of  productive  labour.  I  continued  in  this 
happy  asylum  of  infant  innocence  till  I  was  thir- 
teen years  old.  I  say  happy,  according  to  the 
glorious  science  of  productive  labour.     It  is  true- 


22 

we  had  little  to  eat,  but  as  we  had  but  little  time 
to  eat  it  in,  it  was  of  little  consequence  whethei 
we  had  plenty  to  eat  or  not.  The  short  space 
allowed  us  for  eating  had  another  great  advan- 
tage, as  the  superintendent  assured  us.  By  swal- 
lowing without  chewing,  our  food  was  longer  in 
digesting,  and  of  course  administered  more  to  our 
nourishment.  He  instanced  the  snakes,  who  al- 
ways swaliowed  their  prey  whole — and  the  wisdom 
of  serpents  was  proverbial.  Food  and  time  were 
precious  things,  and  people  ought  to  make  the 
most  of  them.  It  was  also  a  maxim  with  him 
that  too  much  liberty  or  leisure,  was  quite  as  bad 
as  too  much  food  and  too  much  time  to  eat  it 
in.  It  made  people  radicals  and  .unbelievers. 
Thus  he  clearly  proved  that  the  little  we  had  to 
eat,  and  the  little  time  to  cat  it,  was  highly  be- 
neficial. 

To  enforce  j.his  salutary  doctrine,  there  was  a 
system  of  fines,  which  for  a  long  while  made  a 
great  hole  in  our  pockets.  Our  moments  were 
all  numbered — there  was  a  fine  for  every  moment 
we  exceeded  the  limited  time  of  meals — a  fine 
for  every  moment  we  went  beyond  the  specified 
time  allowed  for  all  the  ordinary  operations  of 
nature — a  fine  for  looking  out  at  a  window — a 
fine  for  opening  a  window,  although  we  might  be 
suffocating  in  an  atmosphere  of  cotton  exhalations, 
heated  like  an  oven — a  fine  for  sneezing,  lest  we 


24 

should  blow  away  -some  of  the  particles  of  cot- 
ton, and  thus  diminish  the  amount  of  productive 
labour.  There  was  a  fine  for  nodding  over  a 
spinning  jenney,  when  .the  poor  souls,  worn  out 
with  the  endless  monotonous  toils  of  the  day,  in- 
voluntarily sought  refuge  in  a  momentary  forget- 
fulness.  In  short,  we  were  chained  and  enslaved 
by  a  system  of  petty  fines  and  exactions,  which,  in 
addition  to  the  certainty  of  being  punished  on  Sa- 
turday night,  when  we  brought  home  our  dimi- 
nished earnings,  soon  made  us  as  docile  as  the 
galley  slave  at  his  oar.  We  had  neither  time  to 
learn,  nor  inclination  to  play,  for  the  short  inter- 
mission of  ou,r  labours'was  passed  in  dozing.  We 
became  stupified  in  mind,  and  the  functions  of 
our  bodies  gradually  obeyed  the  impulses  of  the 
engine,  which  gave  life  and  motion  to  the  ma- 
chinery. By  the  time  I  had  been  there  three 
years,  I  became  sensible  that  my  soul  had  trans- 
migrated into  a  spinning  jenney,  and  that  I  had 
actually  become    a  piece  of  machinery. 

But  the  happy  discovery  that  even  little  chil- 
dren of  six  or  seven  years  old  .could  add  to  the 
amount  of  productive  labour,  instead  of  wickedly 
eating  and  being  merry  at  school  or  at  play,  was 
fated  to  be  improved  upon,  likctevcry  thing  else 
in  this  most  improving  age.  Some  persons  of  ra- 
ther morbid  sensibility,  began  to  surmise  that  this 
mode  of  calling  out  the  productive  labour  of  little 


Jo 

children  of  six  or  seven  years  old,  was  not  alto- 
gether either  humane  or  politic.  It  was  dis- 
covered in  the  course  of  inquiry,  that  this  seclu- 
sion from  air,  exercise,  instruction  and  amusement, 
together  with  the  total  absence  of  all  variety  in 
the  routine  of  their  existence,  each  so  essential 
to  the  welfare  and  happiness  of  children,  was 
highly  pernicious  to  their  health,  their  morals  and 
(heir  minds.  Though  it  might  add  to  the  great 
mass  of  productive  labour,  it  was  equally  certain 
that  it  also  added  to  productive  vice  and  igno- 
rance. Various  plans  were  accordingly  suggested 
from  time  to  time,  for  combining  perpetual  con- 
finement and  labour,  with  the  necessary  freedom, 
instruction  and  amusement ;  and  for  arresting  the 
progress  of  moral  and  physical  degeneracy,  without 
infringing  upon  the  paramount  claims  of  produc- 
tive labour — the  grand  and  only  desideratum  of 
the  social  compact. 

It  was  in  pursuance  of  this  great  object  that  a 
celebrated  philosopher,  or  philanthropist,  I  hardly 
know  which,  fortunately  conceived  a  plan  by 
which  these  desirable  effects  might  not  only  be 
produced,  but  combined  with  an  entire  new  state 
of  society,  which  would  remove  all  temptation 
to  crime,  and  consequently  all  necessity  for  pun- 
ishment. Accordingly  he  lost  no  time  in  estab 
lishing  in  our  neighbourhood  a  manufactory- 
3 


26 

the    spinning  of  cotton  and   the   perfectibility  of 
man. 

My  father  was  quite  taken  with  this  improve- 
ment in  the  glorious  science  of  productive  labour, 
which  he  considered  would  be  killing  two  birds 
with  one  stone  ;  and  for  my  part  I  was  quite  will- 
ing to  go  just  whither  he  pleased.  I  had  lost 
all  habit  of  thinking  or  acting  for  myself,  and 
being  pretty  well  assured  that  I  could  not  be 
much  worse  off,  felt  perfectly  resigned  to  go  any 
where  else,  than  where  I  was.  I  never  envied 
any  tiling  that  I  recollect,  but  a  little  bird  that 
had  made  its  nest  within  view  of  the  window 
where  I  worked,  and  whose  merry  notes  and 
wayward  liberty,  sometimes  brought  the  tears  into 
my  eyes,  without  my  knowing  what  was  the  mat- 
ter with  me.  The  superintendent  caught  me  at 
it  one  day,  and  fined  me  for  losing  time  in  wiping 
them  away  with  my  sleeve.  I  accordingly  joined 
the  new  establishment  with  as  little  anxiety  or 
anticipation  as  the  blind  man  changes  his  pros- 
pect. 

When  about  five  hundred  men,  women  and 
little  children  were  got  together,  our  master,  the 
manufacturing  philosopher,  made  us  a  speech,  in 
which  he  proceeded  to  lay  down  his  first  prin- 
ciples. I  think  I  remember  almost  his  very  words, 
for  they  made  a  great  impression  at  the  time, 
and    he   often    repeated    them    afterwards.      My 


27 

memory  being  the  only  faculty  I  ever  had  occa- 
sion to  exercise  during  the  early  part  of  my  life, 
has  likewise  become  very  retentive. 

"  1  consider,"  said  he,  "  the  people  employed  in 
my  establishment  as  a  part  of  the  machinery,  the 
whole  of  which  it  is  my  duty  and  interest  to  com- 
bine, so  that  every  hand,  as  well  as  every  spring, 
lever  and  wheel,  shall  effectually  co-operate  to 
produce  the  greatest  pecuniary  gain  to  the  proprie- 
tors, which  is  what  I  understand  by  the  perfectibility 
of  the  Man  Machine.* 

"  You  are  well  aware  of  the  advantages  of  having 
good  substantial  machinery,  and  the  necessity  of 
keeping  it  clean,  well  arranged  and  in  a  high  state 
of  repair  ;  and  that  if  it  is  allowed  to  get  dirty,  and 
out  of  order,  it  produces  unnecessary  friction,  and 
consequently  will  not  perform  the  same  quantity  oj 
work.  If  then  a  want  of  due  care  as  to  the  state  oi 
your  inanimate  machines,  produces  such  mischie- 
vous results,  what  may  not  be  expected  when  the 
man  machine  is  suffered  to  get  out  of  order  by 
neglect  ? 


*  There  is  such  a  remarkable  coincidence  between  this  and 
the  following  positions,  and  those  advanced  in  "  A  New  View  of 
Society,"  lately  published,  that  we  cannot  help  suspecting  the  au- 
thor of  the  latter  of  having  had  a  peep  into  the  Wise  Men  of 
Gotham. 


2S 

"'  H  hen  you  shall  acquire  a  right  knowledge  of 
these  machines,  their  curious  mechanism — their 
self-adjusting  power — when  the  proper  main  spring 
shall  be  applied  to  their  various  movements,  you 
will  become  conscious  of  their  real  value,  and  you 
will  be  readily  induced  to  turn  your  thoughts  mor< 
frequently  from  your  inanimate  to  your  living  ma- 
chines ;  you  will  discover  that  the  latter  may  be- 
easily  trained  and  directed  to  procure  a  large  in- 
crease of  pecuniary  gain,  while  you  may  also 
derive  from  them  high  and  substantial  gratification. 

"Now  the  main  springs,  or  first  principles,  which 
1  would  apply  to  the  regulation  of  these  Men  Ma- 
chines, are  equally  obvious  and  simple.  In  the 
first  place,  I  am  fully  satisfied  that  children  are 
merely  compounded  of  corporeal  machinery  ;  and 
that,  as  you  may  equally  apply  the  powers  of  a 
steam  engine  to  the  manufactory  of  cotton  or  the 
destruction  of  mankind,  so  you  may  with  equal 
ease  direct  the  machinery  of  man  to  good  or  evil 
purposes.  In  the  one  case,  it  is  done  by  regulating 
the  operation  of  the  steam  engine  by  certain  rules 
of  science  and  experience,  in  the  other  by  example 
and  education.  Unhappily,  however,  the  talents 
and  ingenuity  of  men,  have  lately  been  too  much 
turned  to  the  object  of  improving  inanimate  ma- 
chinery, forgetting,  it  would  seem,  that  the  labour  of 
the  Man  Machine  may,  by  proper  regulation,  be  so 
regulated  and  arranged  that  one  man  may  be  able  to 
Jo  the  work  of  twenty. 


29 

"Not  only  this,  but  I  will  venture  to  aVser^  with- 
out fear  of  contradiction,  that  as  you  may  improve 
the  Man  Machine  so  as  to  make  it  doubly  opera- 
tive in  adding  to  the  mass  of  productive  labour ;  so 
may  you  in  like  manner  give  it,  at  the  same  time,  any 
character  you  please,  by  means  which  are  at  the 
command  of  all  those  who  influence  the  affairs  of 
the  world  and  take  a  proper  advantage  of  circum- 
tances.  /  also  assert,  that  a  community  may  be 
so  trained,  as  to  live  zvithout  idleness,  ivithout  po- 
verty, without  crime  and  without  punishment,  by  the 
mere  application  of  circumstances.* 

"  I  assert,  in  the  second  place,  that  the  will  of 
man  has  no  power  over  his  opinions,  and  therefore 
it  is  absurd  to  make  him  accountable  for  errors 
which  originate  entirely  in  a  defective  system  of 
education,  over  which  he  has  no  control  what- 
ever, at  the  period  in  which  he  receives  all  his  im- 
pressions. In  fact,  my  dearly  beloved  machines,  it 
is  susceptible  of  demonstration,  that  from  the  crea- 
tion of  the  world  to  the  present  time,  all  men  have 
been  erroneously  trained,  and  hence  all  the  inconsis- 
tencies and  misery  of  this  world.*  Hence,  it  arises 
that  generation  after  generation  have  been  taught 
crime   from  their  infancy,   and    when   so   taught, 


*  The  author  of  the  New  View  of  Society,  has  apparently 
borrowed  these  sentiments.— Ed. 


3 


ft 


30 

hunted  like  beasts  of  the  forest,  until  they  are 
entangled  beyond  escape  in  the  toils  and  nets  of  the 
law.  All  this  would  have  been  avoided  had  cir- 
cumstances been  altered.  The  judge  would  have 
been  at  the  bar,  and  the  criminal  on  the  bench. 

"  From  these  undeniable  facts,  it  results  that  as 
the  human  machine  cannot  be  accountable  in  the  eye 
of  reason  for  opinions  originating  in  an  erroneous 
system  of  education  over  which  it  has  no  control. 
so  neither  can  it  be  legally  or  morally  accountable 
for  its  actions  so  far  as  they  are  influenced  by  those 
opinions.  To  punish  the  Man  Machine  for  these 
by  fine,  imprisonment  or  death,  is  therefore  about 
as  rational  and  just,  as  to  punish  a  spinning  jenney 
for  going  wrong,  after  being  constructed  on  wrong 
principles.  Indeed  nothing  can  be  more  absurd  or 
barbarous  than  the  whole  system  of  punishments. 
Punishment,  I  will  venture  to  assert,  never  has,  nor 
ever  can  have  any  effect  to  prevent  the  commis- 
sion of  crime,  as  is  proved  by  the  daily  commission 
of  crimes,  notwithstanding  these  punishments. 

"  Punishment  does  not  entirely  prevent  the 
commission  of  crimes ;  therefore  it  does  not  prevent 
them  at  all ;  therefore  it  is  absurd,  inexpedient,  and 
cruel.  Experience  therefore  has  settled  the  ques- 
tion. But  even  if  this  were  not  the  case,  analogy 
would  be  decisive  on  the  subject.  It  is  the  opinion 
of  some  of  the  best  philosophers,  that  mankind 
originally  derived  all  their  knowledge  and  a  great 


31 

portion  of  their  virtues  from  the  example  of  the 
beasts  of  the  field ;  and  certainly  this  is  a  much 
better  foundation,  than  the  erroneous  system  of 
education  which  has  been  pursued  for  the  last  six 
thousand  years,  and  which  by  gradually  substituting 
the  precepts  of  blockheads,  for  the  examples  of 
nature,  hath  brought  ruin  upon  a  thousand  genera- 
tions. Look  round  then  upon  all  nature,  and  see 
what  her  unsophisticated  votaries  practice.  Is  the 
eagle  punished  by  the  rest  of  his  tribe  for  robbing 
the  fish-hawk  of  the  prey  he  has  attained  by  long 
and  laborious  watchfulness  ?  Is  the  rat  or  the 
weasel  clapt  up  in  his  hole,  for  the  better  part  of 
his  life,  by  a  jury  of  rats  or  weasels,  for  making 
inroads  upon  a  cheese,  or  robbing  a  hen-roost  that 
did  not  belong  to  him  ?  Is  the  tyger  hung  in  chains 
by  his  self-styled  rulers,  for  tearing  a  lamb  to  pieces '! 
Or  is  the  lordly  lion  shut  out  from  the  light  of 
heaven,  and  fed  on  bred  and  water,  because  he 
follows  the  instinct  of  nature  in  hunting  down  and 
devouring  the  weaker  annimals  ?  No,  my  dear 
Men  Machines,  the  wise  animals  of  the  forest,  are 
too  reasonable  to  punish  their  fellows,  for  doing 
what  nature,  habit,  example,  and  education  have 
made  it  impossible  they  should  not  do. 

"  Extend  the  analogy  through  all  creation,  and 
you  will  find  man  alone  arrogating  to  himself  the 
prerogative  of  punishing  his  fellow  creatures,  for 
the  absurd  purpose    of  preventing  crime.     And 


32 

what  has  been  the  consequence?  Beyond  doubt, 
mankind  are  absolutely  allured  into  the  commission 
of  crimes,  by  the  very  terror  of  punishment,  in  the 
same  manner,  that  birds  are  inevitably  drawn  into 
the  jaws  of  the  serpent,  from  the  actual  fascination 
of  terror. 

"  Besides  this,  it  is  demonstrable,  that  criminal 
laws,  instead  of  preventing,  create  crime,  by  mak- 
ing that  criminal  which  was  before  innocent.  1 
recollect  hearing  an  observation  made  by  an  inno- 
cent man,  who  had  been  forced  into  the  commis- 
sion of  murder,  by  the  erroneous  system  of  educa- 
tion pursued  for  the  last  six  thousand  years,  which 
made  a  great  impression  upon  me,  and  gave  the 
first  hint  of  my  New  View  of  Society.*  'Alas!"1 
said  the  unfortunate,  or  as  the  vulgar  say,  guilty 
man — 'alas!  what  an  unlucky  being  am  I.  If 
society  had  not  thought  proper  to  punish  murder,  I 
might  have  passed  for  an  innocent  man.'  By  fol- 
lowing this  train  of  reasoning  we  shall  find  that 
the  sole  use  of  criminal  law  is  to  create  criminals, 
who  are  only  so  because  the  law  capriciously  in- 
flicts punishments  upon  certain  acts  which  would 
otherwise  be  perfectly  innocent. 

"  The  error   of   these    wise    lawgivers,    is    in 
mistaking  the  real  object  and   end  of    all   laws. 


Another  singular  coincidence  ! — Ed. 


They  have  been  pleased  to  suppose,  that  laws  are 
intended  as  restraints  upon  the  extravagant  im- 
pulses of  the  passions,  those  phantoms  which  like 
all  other  phantoms  had  their  origin  in  the  ignorance 
and  bigotry  of  mankind,  and  which  I  have  alto- 
gether excluded  from  my  New  View  of  Society. 
Now  if  religion  and  morality  cannot  prevent  men 
from  committing  crimes,  what  is  the  use  of  religion 
and  morality,  or  what  is  the  use  of  laws  to  prop 
up  such  a  patchwork  system  ?  If  one  cannot 
answer  the  end,  all  three  together  cannot  do  it.  If 
religious  and  moral  impressions  connot  restrain 
mankind  from  the  commission  of  crime,  then  the 
laws  will  not  do  it.  If  the  stings  of  conscience,  and 
the  fear  of  eternal  punishment  is  insufficient ;  then 
the  fear  of  temporal  punishment  must  be  equally 
so — therefore  law  and  religion  are  entirely  useless 
in  the  world,  and  therefore  I  have  banished  them 
entirely  from  my  New  View  of  Society.  In  fine, 
my  dear  young  pupils,  be  assured  that  crimes  will 
never  cease  in  this  world,  till  all  punishments  are 
abolished,  and  mankind  taught  virtue  by  means 
of  an  inveterate  habit;  by  certain  fixed  and  inflexi- 
ble rules,  inherent  as  it  were  in  the  Man  Machine, 
like  the  laws  of  motion  which  govern  the  spinning 
jenney,  and  from  which  it  cannot  depart,  without 
a  dissolution  of  its  parts,  equivalent  to  the  cessa- 
tion of  motion  called  death,  in  the  Man  Machine. 


34 

:"  Yes,  my  dear  pupils,  nothing  is  wanting  to  re- 
strain these  crying  evils,  and  repair  as  far  as  possible 
the  miseries  inflicted  on  the  Man  Machine  for  the 
last  six  thousand  years,  by  an  absurd  and  erroneous 
system  of  education,  than  an  habitual,  invariable,  and 
inflexible  adherence  to  the  sublime  maxim,  that 
self-love  properly  understood  and  uniformly  prac- 
tised, is  the  basis  of  all  virtue,  as  well  as  happiness, 
in  the  social  state.*  Instead  of  burthening  you 
with  abstract  principles  of  right  and  wrong,  which 
have  no  other  effect  than  to  confound  all  distinc- 
tions between  virtue  and  vice,  1  shall  merely  ad- 
vise you,  whenever  you  have  any  doubt  on  the  sub- 
ject to  consult  your  self-love,  that  is  to  say,  in 
other  words,  inquire  what  course  will  best  conduce 
to  your  own  individual  happiness,  and  depend  upon 
it,  that  will  point  unerringly  to  the  happiness  of 
society.  1  will  now  dismiss  you,  the  elder  to  the 
instructive  lessons  of  the  steam  engine  and  the  spin- 
ning jenney  ;  the  younger  to  the  play  ground,  where 
they  will  be  taught  all  the  duties  of  self-love,  at 
leap-frog  and  jackstones.  Take  notice,  however, 
1  prohibit  you  all  from  playing  at  push-pin,  a  game 
which,  by  giving  rise  to  mischievous  ideas  of  indi- 
vidual property,  may  justly  be  denominated  the 
root  of  all  evil." 

*  Here,  again,  the  author  of  the  "New  View"  has  borrowcl 
from  the  Wise  Men. — Ed. 


on 


Unfortunately  *I  was  too  old  to  be  permitted  to 
learn  all  my  social  duties  in  the  play  ground,  so  I  was 
dismissed  to  the  spinning  jenney  for  a  lesson.     Here 
as  before,  I  worked  so  many  hours  in  the  day  for 
the  benefit  of  productive  labour,  and  the  honour  of 
the  New  View  of  Society,  that  I  had  little  leisure, 
and  less  inclination,  to  trouble  myself  with  nice  dis- 
tinctions   between    the    social    and    moral    duties. 
Indeed,  1  considered  them  as  of  little  consequence 
to  the  perfection  of  the  Man  Machine,  recollecting 
that  nothing  but  self-love,  properly  regulated,  was 
necessary  to  the  most  perfect  virtue  and  happiness. 
Now  I  had  as  much  self-love  as  most  people,  and 
as  my  master  had  laid  it  down  as  the  so  very  excel- 
lent a  thing,  I  thought  as  a  matter  of  course,   the 
more  I  had,  and  the  more  I  indulged  it,  the  better 
for  myself  and  the  world.     I  soon  found,  however, 
there   was   little   or  no  room   for  cultivating   and 
indulging  this  excellent    fundamental   principle  of 
happiness.     I   had  a  natural   inclination   for  good 
eating,  and  my  self-love  was  always  particularly 
gratified,    by    playing    with    children     somewhat 
smaller  than  myself,  over  whom  I  could  exercise  a 
reasonable    degree    of    influence    and    authority. 
This  propensity  to  ambition,  was,  however,  care- 
fully checked   during   the   play    hours,   when   we 
were  superintended  by  certain  worthy  old  ladies, 
who  taught   us,  that  the  only  ambition  compatible 
with  a  well    regulated  self-love,  and  the  perfect!- 


bility  of  the  Man  Machine,  was«that  of  labouring 
most  advantageously  for  our  master.  As  this  wab 
a  community  of  which  the  most  perfect  equality 
was  to  be  the  basis  ;  it  would  be  highly  improper, 
they  said,  to  attempt  any  undue  exercise  of  talents 
or  energy.  It  would  be  only  generating  envy, 
jealousy,  and  all  those  passions  which  had  been  the 
bane  of  society,  ever  since  the  serpent  seduced 
Eve,  with  the  temptation  of  superior  knowledge. 

As  the  whole  system  of  our  master  proceeded 
upon  the  assumption,  that  the  Man  Machine  was 
as  much  without  passions  as  a  steam  engine,  and 
that  they  were  generated  in  him  by  the  abominable 
mode  of  education  inflicted  upon  each  succeeding 
race,  for  the  last  six  thousand  years,  he  organized 
the  system  accordingly.  All  the  children,  being  of 
course  born  without  passions  or  desires,  it  was  his 
opinion  that  it  was  only  necessary  to  tell  them  to 
do  right,  and  they  would  do  it  of  course.  We 
were  accordingly  very  seriously  told,  what  all  chil- 
dren, so  far  as  I  know,  have  been  told  from  the 
creation  of  the  world,  "that  we  were  never  to 
injure  our  play-fellows,  but  on  the  contrary  to 
contribute  all  in  our  power  to  make  them  happy." 
"  This  principle,"  would  our  master  say  with  infi- 
nite self-complacency — "this  principle,  this  simple 
precept,  when  properly  comprehended,  if  no  Coun- 
teracting Principles   oppose  its  influence,  will 


Of 

effectually  supersede    all  the   errors  which  have 
hitherto  kept  the  world  in  ignorance  and  misery."* 

But  these  "counteracting  principles,"  as  our 
master  called  them,  and  which  I  suspect  were 
nothing  more  than  those  passions  which  are  sup- 
posed hy  some  ignorant  people  to  be  implanted  in 
human  nature,  were  always  getting  between  his 
legs,  as  it  were,  and  tripping  up  his  theory.  Emu- 
lation was  continually  peeping  forth,  in  one  wicked 
little  rogue  outrunning  another,  and  thus  mortifying 
his  feelings.  In  wrestling,  the  stronger  machine 
was  very  apt  to  impose  upon  the  weaker,  by  throw- 
ing it  down  with  as  little  ceremony  as  possible. 
At  leap-frog,  a  mischievous  urchin  would  sometimes 
designedly  bump  a  little  fellow  down  on  his  nose, 
by  not  leaping  high  enough.  In  short,  these  "coun- 
teracting principles"  were  so  troublesome  and 
inconvenient,    that    my   master    more   than    once 

wished   them  fairly  at  the  d 1,  they  stood  so  in 

the  way  of  the  perfectibility  of  the  Man  Machine. 

My  master  was  indeed  sometimes  highly  provoked 
at  these  "  counteracting  principles,"  thus  eternally 
thrusting  their  noses  into  his  plan  of  perfectibility. 
It  puzzled  him  confoundedly  to  find  where  his  theory 
was  out  at  the  elbows.  At  last  he  discovered  that 
his  children  were  not  young  enough   to  give  his 


*  See  New  View  of  Society  for  similar  doctrines. — Ed, 
4 


33 

system  a  fair  chance.  It  was  his  opinion  that. 
children  received  those  impressions  which  give  a 
decided  direction  to  their  future  character,  almost 
the  moment  they  are  born.  Nay,  he  went  still 
further,  and  maintained,  with  great  appearance  of 
reason,  that  they  took  special  notice  of  every  thing 
that  happened  at  the  time,  he  himself  recollecting 
perfectly  well,  being  very  much  alarmed,  when  the 
nurse  first  took  him  in  her  arms,  least  she  should 
let  him  fall  on  the  floor. 

Accordingly  he  determined  to  go  to  the  foun- 
tain head,  by  introducing  into  the  establishment 
the  institution  of  matrimony,  and  having  the  chil- 
dren begotten  to  his  hands.  "I  shall  take  them 
ab  oro,"  said  he,  a  phrase  of  which  I  have  since 
learned  the  meaning,  although  at  that  time  I  did 
not  exactly  comprehend  it.  The  first  born  of  this 
new  and  perfect  race  in  perspective,  was  a  little 
boy,  who  from  the  moment  of  his  birth  was  al- 
lowed to  hear  nothing  but  the  repetition  of  the 
great  precept,  not  to  harm  his  play-fellows,  but 
to  do  all  in  his  power  to  make  them  happy.  Ai 
three  years  old  he  was  launched  into  the  play 
ground,  and  made  his  debut  by  biting  the  finger 
of  one  of  the  matrons  who  presided  over  our 
sports,  and  who  attempted  forcibly  to  keep  him 
from  indulging  the  instinct  of  the  Man  Machine, 
for  dabbling  in  a  mud-puddle.      Our  master  cast 


39 

about  for  the  '"counteracting  principle"  that  had 
produced  this  enormity,  that  he  might  give  it  a 
sound  drubbing,  and  to  his  great  satisfaction  dis- 
covered it  in  a  habit,  which  the  mother  had  a  long 
time  indulged,  of  biting  her  nails.  This  practice 
was  strictly  forbidden ;  but  as  one  of  the  funda- 
mental principles  of  my  master  was,  that  no  pu- 
nishments were  necessary  to  keep  the  Man  Ma- 
chine in  order,  any  more  than  the  steam  engine, 
nobody  minded  the  prohibition,  and  the  women  bit 
their  nails,  as  usual,  when  vexed  or  perplexed. 
Notwithstanding  the  all-powerful  precept  which 
lays  at  the  root  of  the  perfectibility  of  the  Man 
Machine,  and  which  was  not  spared  upon  the 
little  biting  boy,  there  was  some  "counteracting 
principle"  which  certainly  baffled  detection,  or  at 
least  opposition.  By  the  time  he  was  twelve 
years  old  the  machine  became  so  completely  out 
of  order,  that  my  master  turned  him  out  of  the 
establishment  as  a  disgrace  to  his  theory. 

Still  the  plan  of  inculcating  perfection  into  the 
Man  Machine,  by  play,  would  certainly  have  an- 
swered the  end  completely  had  it  not  been  for 
two  "counteracting  principles."  The  first,  was 
those  same  inconvenient  products  of  that  er- 
roneous system  of  education  pursued  for  the 
last  six  thousand  years,  which  my  master  called 
circumstances,    and    which,    coming    perpetually 


40 

in  conflict  with  his  first  principles,  ior  a  lo'fig 
time  pretty  generally  got  the  better,  and  routed 
them  completely.  To  subdue  these  entirely,  or 
to  direct  them  uniformly  to  the  furtherance  of 
that  self-love,  which  is  the  source  of  all  virtue 
and  happiness,  was  found  rather  of  the  nature  of 
an  impossibility.  The  second  "  counteracting 
principle"  was,  that  the  little  pupils  of  the  play 
ground,  by  having  their  plays  always  prescribed 
to  them,  and  by  being  eternally  under  the  eyes 
of  the  superintending  matrons,  who  were  perpe- 
tually telling  them  not  to  do  this  and  to  refrain 
from  that — who  were  in  fact  always  standing  over 
them,  repressing  their  gambols,  directing  their 
sports  and  restraining  entirely  the  free  will  of  the 
Man  Machine,  became  at  last  entirely  indifferent 
or  rather  frequently  declined  going  out  to  play. 
When  they  did,  they  preferred  sitting  quietly  still, 
rather  than  be  perpetually  restrained,  lectured, 
advised  and  dosed  with  the  eternal  repetition  of 
the  grand  precept.  The  consequence  was,  there 
was  no  room  for  the  practical  exemplification  of 
the  virtues  of  the  system,  at  play.  For  my  part, 
although  I  was  principally  confined  to  the  spin- 
ning jenney  for  instruction,  I  freely  confess  that 
such  was  the  weariness  of  mind  and  lassitude  of 
body,  produced  by  this  mode  of  eternal  supervi- 
sion over  our  hours  of  relaxation,  that  it  became 


41 

a  task  at  last  from  which  I  was  glad  to  escape 
by  sleeping  away  my  play  hours.  But  notwith- 
standing all  these  discouragements,  the  practica- 
bility of  the  system  ere  long  began  to  be  fully 
exemplified.  There  was  one  little  machine  that 
was  at  last  brought,  if  not  quite,  very  nearly,  to 
perfection.  Owing  to  the  absence  of  those  "coun- 
teracting principles"  which  played  the  deuce  with 
most  of  the  pupils,  this  little  machine,  at  last 
became  so  completely  regulated,  that  my  master 
pronounced  it  almost  as  perfect  as  the  machinery 
of  a  cotton  mill.  If  he  had  a  task  to  do,  he  was 
sure  to  do  it  exactly,  and  no  more.  If  he  was 
told  to  go  to  a  certain  place,  he  could  no  more 
be  brought  to  go  a  step  further  than  a  horse  in 
a  mill  or  a  turnspit  at  the  jack.  He  never  dis- 
covered any  disposition  to  excel  his  companions 
in  their  sports  or  their  exercises — never  did  any 
thing  but  what  he  was  told — never  committed  an 
offence— never  resented  an  affront — but  always  ap- 
pealed to  the  golden  rule.  In  short,  he  seemed 
happily  free  from  the  operation  of  those  mischiev- 
ous "  counteracting  principles,"  erroneously  called 
the  passions.  If  my  master  could  only  have  made 
us  all  exactly  like  him,  we  should  have  represent- 
ed the  millennium.  But  unfortunately  there  were 
as  yet  too  many  "counteracting  principles"  among 

us,  to  admit  of  universal  "  harmoxy,"  and  the  per* 

4* 


42" 

feet  Man  Machine  fared  but  indifferently.  H. 
was  a  sort  of  butt,  and  instead  of  righting  his  own 
wrongs,  always  carried  his  complaints  to  the  mat- 
rons. This  got  him  the  name  of  tell-tale,  and  the 
ill  will  of  his  fellows.  My  master  considered  him 
as  a  living  evidence  of  the  triumph  of  his  sys- 
tem, and  at  length  when  he  grew  up,  made  him 
one  of  his  "  committee  of  management"  or  supreme 
junta.  In  the  course  of  his  performance  of  the 
duties  of  this  new  station,  he  one  day  had  occasion 
to  walk  to  a  neighbouring  town,  on  his  way  to 
which  he  met  a  wagon,  and  not  having  my  mas- 
ter, or  one  of  the  matrons,  to  tell  him  what  to 
do,  suffered  it  to  walk  right  over  him,  while  he 
was  considering  the  matter.  He  was  the  first 
perfect  Man  Machine  1  ever  saw,  and  my  mas- 
ter ever  afterwards  held  him  up  as  an  example. 
I  had  now  reached  the  age  of  eighteen  ;  but  I 
must  confess  that  my  machinery  was  not  a  little 
out  of  order.  The  perpetual  routine  of  the  same 
employments — the  want  of  those  excitements,  or 
rather  a  field  where  the  excitements  of  emula- 
tion, ambition,  desire  of  riches  and  distinction, 
might  bestir  themselves,  became  at  first  irksome, 
then  stupifying.  My  faculties  sunk  into  a  benumb- 
ing apathy,  for  want  of  exercise — and  my  personal 
activity  expired  under  the  drudgery  of  the  same 
daily  task,  neither  more  or  less,  that  I  had  to  per- 


4-3 

form  as  my  contribution  to  the  state  of  perfectibility. 
Still  I  was  fully  persuaded  that  the  system  was  practi- 
cable, and  that  its  operation  would  certainly  produce 
the  perfection  of  the  Man  Machine,  were  it  not  for 
the  unlucky  force  of  those  "  counteracting  princi- 
ples" which  beset  it  on  every  side.  Nothing,  I  was 
convinced,  but  those  vile  passions,  which  are  not 
natural,  but  absolutely  forced  upon  us,  by  a  prepos- 
terous system  of  education  for  six  thousand  years 
past,  could  possibly  prevent  its  ultimate  and  final 
consummation,  in  the  perfection  of  the  Man  Ma- 
chine. 

But  unfortunately  these  impertinent  and  trouble- 
some passions,  are  always  nestling  about  one's 
heart,  and  playing  the  most  intolerable  pranks  with 
our  machinery.  In  process  of  time  there  grew  up 
some  young  girls  in  our  establishment,  and  I  was 
moved  with  a  desire  to  marry.  There  was,  it  is 
true,  the  most  perfect  equality  reigning  among  us, 
together  with  a  perfect  community  of  interests. 
But  it  unluckily  happened  that,  owing  to  some 
"  counteracting  principle"  or  other,  the  machinery 
of  some  of  these  damsels  was  better  constructed, 
more  highly  finished,  and  somewhat  more  sightly 
than  that  of  others.  There  was  one  especially  who 
was  so  superior  to  the  rest  that  she  played  the  mis- 
chief with  my  master's  system  of  equality.  All  the 
young  fellows  were  anxious  to  marry  her  ;  and  as 


44 

there  was  no  community  of  goods  allowed  here,  my 
master's  old  enemies,  the  "counteracting  princi- 
ples," began  to  bestir  themselves  with  great  activity. 
In  vain  he  represented  to  us  that  it  was  only  the  mis- 
chievous influence  of  these  villains  that  made  us 
think  one  woman  better  than  another — that  it 
was  their  equally  villainous  coadjutors,  the  five 
senses,  and  the  rest  of  the  gang  of  countervailing 
circumstances,  that  assisted  in  leading  us  to  the  pre- 
posterous conclusion,  that  it  was  necessary  to  our 
happiness  we  should  marry  this  pretty  girl.  All 
would  not  do — we  quarrelled  about  it— fought 
about  it — and  the  machinery  of  the  whole  establish- 
ment was  at  times  thrown  into  great  confusion. 

My  master's  indefatigable  enemies,  the  "counter- 
acting principles,"  were  in  fact  continually  at  work, 
throwing  stumbling-blocks  in  the  way  of  our  per- 
fectibility, and  going  about  like  roaring  lions  among 
us.  It  was  enough  to  provoke  a  saint  to  see  how 
they  succeeded  for  a  time  in  thwarting  the  success 
of  my  master's  plans,  for  the  harmony  of  the  uni- 
verse. The  great  difficulty  was  to  produce  that 
perfect  state  of  equality  which  would  preclude  all 
possibility  of  one  machine  envying  another.  Now 
it  happened  unfortunately  that  this  perfect  equality, 
and  this  perfect  community  of  goods,  which  were 
both  so  essential  to  the  perfection  of  the  system, 
proved  for  a  long  time  very  difficult  to  preserve. 


45 

The  least  breath  ripples  even  the  stagnant  pool, 
and  renders  the  surface  unequal,  and  the  least  "  cir- 
cumstance," was  sufficient  to  create  jealousies  and 
rivalships  among  us,  until  by  degrees,  we  quietly 
sunk  into  a  calm  acquiescence  to  the  will  of  the 
committee  of  management,  and  acquired  a  habit  of 
perfect  submission,  which  is  one  of  the  principal 
ingredients  in  the  pure  state  of  perfectibility. 

It  was  thus  in  our  community.  Although  their 
rights  and  their  duties  were  all  equal — and  all 
equally  shared  in  the  common  fund  in  proportion 
to  their  labours;  still,  as  those  who  had  laboured  in 
the  community  ten  years,  had  of  course  twice  the 
stake  in  the  common  fund  of  those  who  had  only 
laboured  five,  this  single  counteracting  circum- 
stance produced  a  broad  and  palpable  inequality. 
Accordingly  a  lady  whose  husband  had  twice  the 
claim  on  the  great  fund,  did  not  fail  to  look  down 
on  one  who  had  not  a  claim  to  half  as  much.  She 
valued  herself  on  her  fortune,  just  as  if  it  had  been 
in  her  own  possession,  and  for  aught  I  could  see, 
the  passions  engendered  by  this  species  of  inequality 
were  precisely  those  of  the  world,  in  the  degraded 
state  it  has  been   brought  to,  by^the  "  erroneous 


>y  Li 


training"*  of  the  last  six  thousarifryears.     Nay,  1 


*  The  author  of  the  "  New  View"  has  borrowed  this  phrase, 
Ed. 


46 

am  sorry  to  say,  they  seemed  far  more  bitter  and 
malignant,  from  the  parties  being  continually  as  it 
were  under  the  same  roof,  and  brought  together 
many  times  a  day,  every  day  of  their  lives.  Bat 
even  if  this  provoking  inequality  had  not  existed, 
there  were  other  "  counteracting  principles,"  which 
assailed  the  Man  Machine,  from  different  quarters, 
and  occasionally  put  it  out  of  order. 

It  sometimes  happened,  that  one  member  of  the 
community  by  the  regularity  of  his  machine,  and  by 
being  perhaps  less  beset  by  those  intolerable  ras- 
cals, the  "counteracting  principles,"  would  by  a 
course  of  conduct  as  regular  as  clock-work,  entitle 
himself  to  the  special  notice  and  rewards  of  our 
master.  This  approach  to  perfectibility  in  the 
Man  Machine,  instead  of  operating  as  an  example 
and  stimulus  to  others,  as  it  would  have  done  but 
for  the  "  counteracting  principles,"  produced  only 
disorder.  Every  body  was  jealous  of  the  unfortunate 
Man  Machine  who  had  approached  so  much  nearer 
to  perfectibility  than  themselves — instead  of  imita- 
ting, they  envied  him,  not  his  perfectibility,  but  the 
particular  honours  and  rewards  he  acquired.  To  be 
sure  it  is  just  so  in  the  world,  where  the  "  counter- 
acting principl^F  go  about  like  roaring  lions  ;  but 
it  ought  not  to  have  been  so  in  our  new  state  of 
society,  and  that  it  was  so,  is  tome  quite  unac- 
countable. 


47 

I  speak  from  my  own  experience.     My  ambition, 
which  I  take  to  be  one  of  the  "  counteracting  prin- 
ciples," at  length  prompted  me  to  put  my  machi- 
nery in  order,   and  make  a  dash  at  perfectibility, 
ihat  I  might  obtain  the  particular  notice  of  my 
master,  and  perhaps  something  more   substantial. 
I  succeeded,  and  became  the  most  miserable  dog- 
in  the  community.     I  had  upset  the  beautiful  sys- 
tem of  equality,  upon  which  the   whole  establish- 
ment rested ;  I  was  no  longer  their  equal,  and  they 
began  to  envy,  of  course  to  hate  me,  by  the  mere 
force  of  the  "  counteracting  circumstances."     To 
make  my  peace  with  these  pragmatical  machine?, 
and  to  restore  the  equilibrium  of  the  society,  I  was 
actually  obliged  to  backslide  a  little  in  order  to 
bring  myself  down  to  thederv.l  level  of  perfectibility. 
Thus  I  found  to  my  great  mortification,  that  indi- 
vidual perfectibility,  was  incompatible  with  the  per- 
fectibility of  the  whole,  and  that  the    only  way  to 
preserve  "  harmony"  was   to  be   no  better  than 
other  people. 

The  rascally  "counteracting  principles,"  receiv- 
ed aid  and  assistance  from  other  sources,  besides 
the  inequality  of  wealth,  and  the  different  estima- 
tion in  which  different  persons  were  held  by  the 
society  at  large,  and  especially  by  our  master. 
Some  of  the  married  women,  had  prettier  children 
than  others — and  this  was  a  source  of  inequality. 


43 

Some  were  without  any  children  at  all,  and  sorely 
envied  their  more  happy  next  door  neighbours, 
whose  pretty  little  curly  pated  machines,  were 
playing  themselves  into  perfectibility  on  the  lawn, 
before  their  doors.  On  the  other  hand,  some  of  the 
men  had  better,  younger,  or  prettier  wives  than  oth- 
ers, who  not  being  specially  instructed  in  such  mat- 
ters, did  frequently  break  the  tenth  commandment. 
My  master  was,  in  truth,  for  a  long  while  the  victim 
of  "  counteracting  circumstances  ;"  he  at  one  time. 
as  I  have  heard,  had  serious  thoughts  of  cutting  oft" 
all  the  women's  noses,  to  bring  them  to  a  level,  and 
>o  organizing  his  men  and  women  machines,  by  the 
mere  force  of  education,  as  that  they  should  conform 
to  the  law  of  nature  which  ordains,  that  every  bird 
shall  lay  only  so  many  eggs  within  a  certain  period. 
He  had  no  doubt  of  bringing  this  about,  if  he  could 
only  begin  ab  ovo,  and  dodge  his  old  enemies  the 
"  counteracting  circumstances." 

But  he  was  for  some  time  deterred  from  thie 
plan  by  the  astounding  objection  that,  though  he 
might  regulate  the  number  of  children,  it  would  be 
difficult,  if  not  impossible,  to  regulate  their  looks, 
and  prevent  one  from  being  handsomer  than  an- 
other. He  had  no  doubt  that  nature  produced  none 
of  these  ridiculous  inconsistencies,  but  that  they 
were  the  offspring  of  that  diabolical  system  of  edu- 
cation under  which  mankind  had  groaned  for  the 


49 

last  six  thousand  years.  "Some  pigs,"  quoth  he, 
"  are,  it  is  true,  handsomer  than  others — but  then 
the  pig  is  sophisticated  by  associating  with  man, 
and  suffering  under  the  influence  of  the  counter- 
acting circumstances.  Doubtless  all  young  wild 
boars  are  perfectly  equal  in  a  state  of  nature.  I 
will  inquire  into  these  matters."  His  inquiries 
ended,  I  imagine,  in  conviction,  for  he  attempted 
some  reforms  in  these  matters  ;  which  caused  so 
much  dissatisfaction  among  our  women,  that  they 
came  near  seceding  in  a  body,  and  thus  putting  an 
end  to  all  prospect  of  the  perfectibility  of  mankind. 
My  master  accordingly  gave  up  the  point,  satisfied 
that  though  he  might  regulate  the  man  machine  to 
some  little  purpose,  Hie  woman  machine,  was  too 
much  under  the  influence  of  the  "  counteracting 
principles,"  ever  to  become  perfect,  without  an 
entire  new  organization. 

Scarcely  had  this  danger  blown  over,  when  a 
dispute  occurred,  which  again  threatened  the  de- 
struction of  our  "  harmony"  and  the  prospective 
perfectibility  of  mankind.  Thi3  affair  unfortunate- 
ly originated  in  too  near  an  approach  to  the  perfect 
system  of  equality  contemplated  by  my  master. 
There  were  two  married  women,  living  in  opposite 
sides  of  the  square  which  formed  our  village,  whose 
circumstances,  situation,  husbands,  children,  cha- 
racters and  persons  were  so  singularly  equal  in  all 
5 


50 

respects,  that  they  hated  each  other  mortally,  for 
no  other  reason  that  I  could  ever  learn  than  he- 
cause  their  pretensions  were  so  equally  balanced, 
that  the  rest  of  the  community  could  never  agree 
as  to  which  was  entitled  to  be  considered  the  most 
happy.  What  was  still  more  provoking,  as  there 
were  no  reasonable  grounds  of  quarrel  between  them, 
and  nothing  to  complain  of,  they  were  obliged  to 
take  it  out  in  civil  speeches.  In  this  state  of  af- 
fairs, one  of  them  luckily  discovered,  that  her  best 
room  fronted  north,  while  that  of  her  rival  looked 
to  the  south,  and  consequently  monopolized  all  her 
sunshine,  great  part  of  the  year.  Here  was  a  ma- 
nifest hole  in  the  elbows  of  my  master's  great  sys- 
tem of  equality.  There  was  no  dividing  the  sun- 
shine equally  among  mankind.  He  might  have 
altered  his  village,  so  as  to  make  the  whole  of  it 
front  south  :  but  his  whole  system  so  complete- 
ly hung  on  the  shape  of  his  village,  that  it  would 
have  fallen  to  the  ground,  on  the  least  hint  of  an 
alteration.  He  was  horribly  puzzled  by  this  coun- 
teracting circumstance. 

In  the  mean  time,  a  northern  and  southern  in- 
terest sprung  up  among  us,  such  as  prevails  in 
some  countries,  and  founded  upon  equally  impor- 
tant differences.  The  lady  of  the  north  front  had 
her  faction,  which  held  firmly  to  the  principle, 
that  there  was  a  manifest  partiality  in  favour  of 


51 

the  lady  of  the  south  front;  while  the  lady  of  the 
south  front  had  also  her  friends,  who  swore  round- 
ly that  they  could  perceive  a  leaning  in  favour 
of  her  of  the  north.  Each  had  her  party,  whose 
clamour  was  exactly  loud  in  proportion  to  the  in- 
significance of  the  occasion,  the  few  causes  of  ex- 
citement among  us,  and  the  narrow  sphere  in 
which  they  were  exercised.  In  short,  there  was 
the  deuce  to  pay  among  the  Men  Machines,  the 
Women  Machines,  the  first  principles,  and  the 
"  counteracting  circumstances,"  which  all  pulled 
different  ways,  so  that  my  master  hardly  knew 
which  way  to  turn  himself  to  get  rid  of  these 
implacable  enemies.  He  was  inclined  to  suspect 
at  one  time,  that  it  might  be  possible  to  shave  the 
chin  of  equality  so  close  as  actually  to  draw  blood 
from  the  patient,  who,  though  his  beard  might  be  all 
of  equal  length,  might  be  himself  in  a  humour  to 
knock  him  down.  But  he  was  not  a  man  to  knock 
under  to  "  counteracting  circumstances,1'  nor  any 
such  saucy  fellows,  while  there  was  the  remotest 
prospect,  to  use  his  own  words,  "of  making  one 
woman  to  do  the  work  of  twenty,1'*  "  of  improving 
man  as  an  instrument  of  labour,"!  "and  training 


*  See  "  New  View  of  Society"  for  similar  expressions. — El). 
t  Ibid. 


52 

him  so  as  to  produce  a  large  increase  of  pecuni- 
ary gain,"  "  a  return  not  less  than  fifty  per  cent.,"* 
on  all  the  investments  and  expenditures  for  the  im- 
provement of  the  Man  Machine. 

But  these  pestilent  villains,  the  "counteracting 
circumstances,"  were  not  so  easily  managed  as 
might  be  expected.  They  had  in  the  long  pe- 
riod of  six  thousand  years,  in  which  the  Man  Ma- 
chine has  been  debauched  and  corrupted  by  edu- 
cation, insomuch  that  it  is  a  thousand  miracles 
that  his  machinery  is  not  irretrievably  out  of  order — 
I  say,  they  had  acquired  such  power,  and  withal 
such  a  thorough  knowledge  of  the  Man  Machine, 
that  as  fast  as  they  were  driven  out  of  one  door 
they  popped  in  at  another.  Nay,  if  the  doors 
were  all  shut  they  climbed  in  at  the  window, 
and  if  there  was  no  window,  they  managed  to 
squeeze  themselves  through  the  keyhole.  Thus 
in  the  case  of  the  two  ladies  of  the  northern  and 
southern  exposure ;  my  master  had  no  sooner 
quieted  the  two  factions,  by  demonstrating  that 
to  be  out  of  the  sun  in  summer,  was  equal  to 
being  in  it  in  winter,  when  the  "  counteracting 
circumstances,"  like  vile  traitors  as  they  were, 
changed  sides  before  you  could  say  Jack  Robin- 


*  See  »  New  View  of  Society"  for  similar  expressions. — Ed. 


son,  and  Ihe  Men  Machines  forthwith  fell  into  a 
great  quarrel,  about  whjch  party  would  have  been 
in  the  right,  provided  the  case.had  stood  as  they 
originally  apprehended.  As  to  the  two  ladies, 
they  hated  each  other  worse  than  ever,  when  they 
found  my  master  had  decided  there  was  not  a  toss 
up  of  copper  between  them.  "Marry  come  up, 
my  dirty  cousin,"  exclaimed  each  of  the  other — "  I 
should  be  very  sorry  if  I  was  no  better  than  I 
should  be." 

But  I  have  not  come  to  the  worst  yet.  Not  only 
the  wicked  "counteracting  principles,"  played 
pranks  with  my  master,  but  it  sometimes  unluckily 
happened  that  his  own  principles  would  turn  upon 
him,  and  show  their  teeth  terribly.  For  example, 
it  was  easy  to  comprehend  the  simple  principle  of 
self-love,  which,  as  I  have  said,  constituted  the  great 
primam  mobile  of  the  Man  Machine,  according  to 
my  master's  theory.  But  to  apply  it  successfully  to 
the  attainment  of  the  great  end  of  perfectibility 
was  a  different  affair.  When  the  good  man  talked 
to  them  about  the  absolute  necessity  of  attending 
exclusively  "  to  the  happiness  of  self*  as  the  only 
means  of  promoting  the  happiness  of  the  commu- 
nity, they  were  extremely  apt  to  comprehend  this, 


See  "  New  View  of  Society,"  p.  18,  for  similar  doctrines. 
5* 


54 

as  not  only  a  permission,  but  an  exhortation,  to  fol- 
low the  bent  of  their  passions  and  appetites,  or  in 
other  words,  the  "  counteracting  principles,'" 
without  any  regard  to  the  happiness  of  others, 
taking  for  granted  that  would  come  as  a  matter  of 
course.  My  master  in  vain  attempted  to  set  the 
Man  Machine  going  according  to  the  nice  adjust- 
ment of  the  self-love  and  social  principles.  The 
one  was  perpetually  getting  the  better  of  the  other, 
being  a  hot-headed  self-willed  rascal,  and  withal  a 
great  bully  ;  while  the  other  had  hardly  a  word  to 
say  for  itself.  It  was  in  vain  to  threaten  an  appeal 
to  the  laws,  for  as  there  was  to  be  no  crimes  in  our 
community,  there  was  no  necessity  for  restraints  or 
punishments. 

I  will  give  an  example  here,  of  the  terrible  blun- 
ders some  of  us  made,  in  the  application  of  this 
grand  fundamental  principle  of  my  master,  whose 
whole  system,  I  am  convinced,  was  perfect,  except 
that  it  was  not  calculated  for  the  particular  kind  of 
?»Icn  Machines,  he  had  to  do  with.  These  have 
been  so  bedeviled,  by  the  horrible  system  of  edu- 
cation pursued  for  the  last  six  thousand  years,  that 
I  question  whether  it  will  not  take  at  least  six 
thousand  years  more,  to  put  their  machinery  in  per- 
fect order.     But  to  my  example. 

There  was  among  us,  a  wild,  sprightly  man  ma- 
chine, which,  owing  to  being  as  it  were,  under  high 


55 

steam  pressure,  was  continually  getting  into  the 
claws  of  the  "  counteracting  principles,"  and 
making  sad  misapplications  of  my  master's  precepts. 
It  was  next  to  impossible  to  bring  his  passions  and 
appetites  under  the  dominion  of  metaphysicks,  or 
to  instil  into  him  a  proper  comprehension  of  the 
great  abstract  truth,  that  the  indulgence  of  our  self- 
love,  consists  in  restraining  it.  One  day  my 
master  brought  him  up  before  us  all,  for  the 
purpose  of  lecturing  him  for  the  benefit  of  the 
community. 

"  Well,  Sandy,"  quoth  my  master,  mildly,  "  I  ant 
afraid  I  shall  never  be  able  to  make  a  perfect  ma- 
chine of  you." 

"  How  so,  sir,"  replied  Sandy. 

"  Why,  you  are  continually  violating  the  sublime 
fundamental  principle  of  self-love." 

"  I  don't  know  how  that  can  be,  sir,  for  I  do  all  I 
can  to  gratify  it,  as  you  have  convinced  me  it  is  my 
duty  to  do." 

"Yes,  but  you  did  not  properly  comprehend  me. 
The  self-love  I  mean,  is  the  sacrifice  of  our  wishes 
and  desires  to  those  of  others — it  is  in  fact  the 
absence  of  all  self-love." 

"  Why  did  you  not  tell  us  so  at  first,"  said  Sandy, 
rather  sulkily — "  I'm  sure  I  should  never  have 
thought  that  it  was  possible  a  thing  could  be  exactly 
what  it  is  not." 


"  That  doubt  is  owing  to  the  imperfection  of  our 
sophisticated  nature,  which  cannot  comprehend  the 
sublime  truth,  that  man  is  a  machine,  originally 
constructed  with  a  due  regard  to  the  two  great 
moving  principles  of  matter,  the  centripetal  and  the 
centrifugal  forces.  By  the  first,  his  passions,  appe- 
tites, wants,  wishes,  desires,  and  gratifications,  are 
perpetually  urging  towards  the  centre,  thus  exclu- 
sively concentrating  in  his  own  individual  gratifica- 
tion. By  the  second,  a  continued  endeavour  is 
made  to  resist  and  overpower  the  first,  by  forcing 
or  attracting  the  passions  and  appetites  from  this 
disposition  towards  the  centre  or  self,  and  giving 
them  a  wider  and  more  beneficial  sphere  of  indul- 
gence. It  is  in  the  proper  balancing  and  restrain- 
ing the  centripetal  force  of  the  passions,  by  the 
interposition  of  the  centrifugal,  that  these,  the  grati- 
fication of  which  is  the  grand  object  of  self-love, 
become  the  foundation  of  all  worldly  happiness, 
and  constitute  the  perfect  state  of  the  Man  Ma- 
chine." 

This  confounding  of  matter  and  spirit,  and 
jumbling  together  the  ideas  of  mechanical,  physical 
and  moral  action,  was  what  always  puzzled  us,  and 
gave  an  air  of  incomprehensibility  to  my  mas- 
ter's theories.  The  Man  Machine  Sandy,  was  at 
first  either  convinced,  or  confounded,  I  hardly  know 
which ;  but  he  soon  rallied  again,  and  to  say  the 


truth,  I  sometimes  was  half  inclined  to  think  his 
common  sense  pretty  nearly  put  my  master  to  a 
dead  halt. 

"  You  have  exactly  hit  upon  my  case,  sir,  and  the 
very  difficulty  that  prevents  me  from  becoming  a 
perfect  machine  in  the  shortest  time  possible. 
Somehow  or  other,  I  can't  get  this  same  centrifu- 
gal force,  my  master  talks  of,  to  do  its  duty.  It 
is  a  lazy,  lounging,  indifferent  principle,  that  is 
half  the  time  asleep  while  the  other  is  as  busy  as 
a  bee,  and  some  way  or  other,  manages  to  get  the 
better  nine  times  in  ten.  My  good  wishes,  instead 
of  going  abroad  now  and  then,  as  they  should  do, 
are  almost  always  attracted  to  the  centre  by  that 
rascally  centripetal  gentleman  you  mentioned." 

"  That  is  because  you  don't  suffer  my  funda- 
mental principles  to  operate  upon  you  properly ; 
and  wilfully  resist  the  natural  and  inevitable  result 
of  a  perfect  system  of  education,  which  can  be 
nothing  less  than  a  perfect  state  of  the  Man  Ma- 
chine." 

"  Indeed,  sir,  I  don't — I  try  all  I  can  to  love  my- 
self in  the  proper  manner;  and  to  be  persuaded 
that  perfection  is  as  easy  as  kiss  your  hand.  But 
somehow  or  other,  I  confess  I  do  love  Jenny  bet- 
ter than  Kate — and  the  centripetal  principle  espe- 
cially moves  my  self-love  to  prefer  kissing  her,  to 
seeing  any  body  else  do  it." 


58 

"  Out  upon  you,"  exclaimed  my  master — "  this 
is  all  owing  to  the  counteracting  principles." 

"What  are  they,  sir.  I  confess  I  never  could 
fairly  understand  them." 

"  Why — hem — why — ha — he — hum" — my  mas- 
ter appeared  a  little  puzzled  here — "  Why  the  coun- 
teracting principles  are  a  sort  of — a  kind  of — 
stumbling  blocks,  which  education,  habit,  and  bad 
systems  have  thrown  in  the  way  of  the  perfectibi- 
lity of  man.  In  short,  they  are  what  I  call — cir- 
cumstances.''^ 

"  I  reckon  you  mean  the  wants,  desires,  and  pas- 
sions of  us  Men  Machines,"  quoth  Sandy. 

"  And  1  reckon  you  are  a  great  blockhead,"  ex- 
claimed my  master — "  How  often  have  I  told  you 
that  the  Man  Machine  has  naturally,  neither  wants, 
desires  or  passions — They  are  the  product  of  that 
erroneous  training  which  has  produced  all  the 
miseries  and  inconsistencies  of  this  world." 

"What!    no  passions,  sir  ?" 

"None — not  an  atom  more  than  a  piece  of  calves- 
foot  jelly." 

"  Why,  Lord  bless  you,  sir,  I  always  heard  say, 
that  if  we  had  no  passions,  desires,  and  all  that 
=ort  of  thing,  we  should  be  without  any  motives  of 
action  whatever." 

"  Pooh — self-love  would  keep  us  going." 
But  what  is  this  self-love,  sir  ?" 


59 


"  A  bundle  of  circumstances,"  quoth  my  master. 
"I   reckon    its    a  bundle    of  passions,"    quoth 
Sandy. 

"  And  1  reckon  thou  art  a  confirmed,  incorri- 
gible, irreclaimable  blockhead  of  a  Man  Machine," 
cried  my  master  in  a  great  passion — "  I  say,  sir,  may 

the  d 1  take  thee  for  a  sophisticated   idiot — I 

affirm  that  man  is  born  without  passions — that  there 
are  no  such  scoundrels  in  the  creation — that  they 
are  nothingbut  circumstances — circumstances,  sir — 
counteracting  principles — counteracting  principles, 
sir — which  an  erroneous  system  of  education  has 
conjured  up  to  the  confusion  of  all  those  who 
labour  for  the  perfectibility  of  the  Man  Machine." 
Hereupon  my  master  seized  Sandy  by  the  shoul- 
ders, and  would  have  thrust  him  forth  from  the 
community  had  he  not  offered  to  acknowledge  the 
supremacy  of  "  circumstances,"  to  knock  under  to 
the  "  counteracting  principles,"  and  swear  there 
were  no  such  villains  as  the  passions  in  this  world. 
"After  all,"  quoth  Sandy,  a  little  doggedly — 
"  after  all,  thank  fortune,  I  am  not  answerable 
either  for  my  opinions  or  my  actions." 

"  Not  answerable ! — I'll  make  you  know  to  the 
contrary,  sirrah." 

"No,  sir — you  tell  us  every  day  that  the  will  of 
man  has  no  power  over  his  opinions,  and  that  it  is 
therefore  absurd  to  make  him  accountable  for  his 


GO 


errors.  You  teach  us,  that  children  have  no  con- 
trol over  their  early  education,  which  is  conducted 
uniformly  upon  mischievous  principles — that  they 
are  not  only  taught  to  think  and  reason  wrong,  but 
actually  to  commit  those  crimes  for  which  they 
are  afterwards  punished— that,  therefore,  when  they 
grow  up  they  cannot  be  justly  charged  either  with 
the  errors  of  their  opinions  or  the  wickedness  of 
their  actions.*  I  thank  my  stars,  therefore,  that 
if  I  think  or  act  wrong,  my  teachers  are  to  blame, 
not  1." 

Here  was  the  mischief  to  pay  again  among  the 
"counteracting principles,"  which  thus  turned  short 
upon  my  master,  and  bit  him  shrewdly.  His  first 
and  great  principle,  that  the  errors  and  incon- 
sistencies of  men  proceeded  entirely  from  an  erro- 
neous system  of  education,  and  that  they  were 
therefore  not  accountable  for  them,  here  did  him 
the  worst  office  that  could  be.  It  convicted  him, 
in  the  sight  of  the  whole  community,  of  getting  in 
a  passion  contrary  to  fundamental  principles,  and 
that  the  man  who  professed  to  teach  perfectibility 
was  himself  imperfect. 

He  might  as  well  attempt,  thought  I,  to  teach 
music   without    understanding    the    gamut.       But 


*  See  "  New   View  of  Society,"  pp.  83,  Sec.  ice.  for  similar 
doctrines. 


61 

this  was  a  momentary  doubt,  which  soon  yielded 
to  the  force  of  habit,  and  I  still  continued  to 
think  my  master  a  perfect  Man  Machine,  although 
the  "  counteracting  principles"  were  sometimes 
permitted  to  assail  him,  as  Satan  did  Job,  merely 
to  try  his  patience. 

The  Man  Machine  Sandy  continued  to  exem- 
plify from  time  to  time  the  influence  of  the  cen- 
tripetal force,  and  the  mischievous  activity  of  the 
counteracting  principles.  He  was  perpetually  de- 
monstrating the  notion  of  my  master,  concerning 
the  diabolical  errors  of  an  erroneous  system  of, 
education.  But  these  errors  being,  according  to  his 
theory,  not  his  fault,  but  that  of  his  parents  who 
were  both  dead,  could  not  be  punished  without  a  ter- 
rible perversion  of  justice.  To  compromise  matters 
as  well  as  he  could,  my  master  at  length  dismissed 
him  into  the  wide  world,  where,  as  I  afterwards 
learned,  the  poor  fellow,  acting  upon  the  principle 
of  not  being  accountable  for  his  opinions  or  actions, 
appropriated  to  himself  certain  bank  notes  that  did 
not  belong  to  him,  and  was  hanged  in  defiance  of 
all  the  rules  of  justice,  as  well  as  in  utter  disregard 
10  the  sublime  notion  of  a  community  of  goods. 

In  the  course  of  my  master's  experiments  upon 
the  Man  Machine,  there  were  a  great  many  ma- 
chines that  left  the  establishment,  or  were  turned 
away  for  being  too  much  under  the  influence  of  the 
counteracting  principles.  They  took  with  them 
G 


62 

their  share  of  the  common  stock  which  had  accu- 
mulated during  their  induction  into  the  mysteries  ot 
perfectibility  ;  but  somehow  or  other  there  were  so 
many  deductions,  for  this,  that  and  the  other  matter, 
that  the  Men  Machines  complained  loudly  at  the 
-mallness  of  their  dividend.  But  there  was  no  help 
for  it;  for  my  master's  system  proceeded  entirely 
upon  the  principle,  that  as  the  Men  Machines  who 
presided  over  this  perfect  establishment,  must  of 
necessity  be  entirely  and  exclusively  perfect  in 
themselves,  there  was  no  necessity  to  guard  their 
administration  of  the  public  fund,  with  that  jealous 
circumspection  requisite  towards  less  perfect  ruler-. 
in  a  less  perfect  system. 

Upon  the  whole,  however,  our  community  sus- 
tained its  numbers  pretty  well.  The  children  that 
wrere  born,  and  the  recruits  that  came  in  from  time 
to  time,  prevented  any  apparent  diminution.  For 
my  part  I  had  no  inclination  to  leave  the  establish- 
ment. 1  had  at  last  become  a  model,  as  my  master 
assured  me,  of  a  perfect  Man  Machine.  I  had 
neither  virtues  to  exercise,  nor  counteracting  prin- 
ciples to  lead  me  astray.  I  worked  my  task  as 
regularly  as  the  spinning  jenney  went  through  hers  : 
I  ate  like  a  machine,  at  a  particular  time — I  slept 
by  rule,  rose  by  rule,  and  did  every  thing  by  rule. 
In  short,  1  did  every  thing  like  a  perfect  machine  of 
a  man.  In  process  of  time  our  whole  community 
also  arrived  at  a  perfectibility  that  was  truly  asto- 


63 

nishingj  considering  its  apparent  impossibility.  It 
might  be  said  that  we  had  neither  virtues  nor  vices, 
at  least  there  was  neither  room  for  the  exercises  of 
the  one,  nor  excitement  for  the  indulgence  of  the 
other.  There  is  no  doubt  that  we  all  became 
quite  perfect. 

My  master  valued  himself  exceedingly  at  having 
at  last  got  completely  the  upper  hand  of  his  old 
enemies,  the  counteracting  circumstances.  He  had 
not  the  least  doubt  but  that  his  system  would  in  a 
little  time  be  universally  adopted,  and  that  there 
would  then  be  no  further  use  for  law  or  gospel  in 
this  perfect  state  of  society.  But  of  all  the  pieces 
of  machinery  ever  invented,  the  most  wayward, 
perverse,  and  inconsistent  beyond  all  doubt  is  the 
Man  Machine.  No  sooner  does  it  become  perfect, 
but  it  begins  to  decay,  grows  rickety  and  good  for 
nothing.  At  least  soitwas  with  the  machinery  of  our 
establishment.  Our  perfectibility  at  last  centered 
exclusively  in  the  performance  of  our  daily  duties. 
These  consisted  in  working  at  our  tasks  regularly — 
eating,  drinking,  sleeping  regularly — and  in  fact 
doing  every  thing  we  had  to  do  with  a  regularity 
becoming  perfect  machines.  Every  thing  was  in 
common  ;  therefore  no  one  was  in  want ;  and  there- 
fore there  was  no  room  for  the  exercise  of  charity 
and  benevolence.  The  children  were  all  taken 
care  of  by  the  community,  and  the  aged  and  sick 
were  nursed  and  sustained  by  persons  expressly  ap- 


G4 

pointed  to  superintend  them — the  relative  duties  of 
parent  and  child,  were  therefore  of  little  conse- 
quence among  us,  and  were  seldom  or  ever  called 
into  exercise.  In  short,  as  the  system  of  our  society 
was  so  perfect  as  not  to  require  the  cement  of  mu- 
tual wants,  mutual  weaknesses,  and  mutual  depend- 
ence, there  was  no  room,  nor  indeed  any  occasion, 
for  the  exercise  of  the  social  virtues,  except  so  far 
as  they  are  negatively  exercised  in  refraining  from 
actual  violence  or  injury. 

Again,  as  the  perfection  of  my  master's  system, 
and  of  his  Men  Machines,  consisted  in  the  total 
absence  of  the  passions,  or  rather  the  annihilation 
of  the  counteracting  principles,  it  is  obvious  that  this 
could  only  be  brought  about  by  the  absence  of 
those  excitements  which  stimulate  them  into  rebel- 
lion. In  removing  these,  it  was  requisite,  or 
rather  it  was  unavoidable,  that  most  if  not  all  the 
motives  for  any  extraordinary  exertion  of  talent,  or 
vigorous  exercise  of  the  intellect,  should  be  want- 
ing. Our  talents,  therefore,  as  well  as  our  virtues, 
soon  became  rusty  for  want  of  exercise.  Our 
master  and  the  committee  of  management,*  were 
the  only  persons  to  whom  the  exercise  of  any  but 
the  working  faculty,  was  at  all  necessary.     They 


*  See  New  View  of  Society,  Constitution, Laws,  &c.  for  similar 
previsions. 


65 

'thought  for  us,  and  they  acted  for  us.  They  made 
the  laws,  and  they  administered  them.  They  took 
care  of  our  morals,  our  manners,  and  our  money, 
while  we,  thrice  happy  machines,  had  nothing  to  do 
but  move  ourselves  about,  with  all  the  regularity  of 
a  spinningjenney — we  worked  by  rule,  ate  by  rule, 
slept  by  rule,  and  were  as  merry  as  so  many  cab- 
bages, growing  in  regular  lines.  As  the  endeavour 
to  excel  our  companions,  in  any  thing  but  work, 
would  have  savoured  of  a  design  to  overturn  the 
perfect  system  of  equality,  all  such  unseemly  ambi- 
tion was  studiously  repressed  as  one  of  the  mis- 
chievous counteracting  principles  which  it  was 
necessary  to  put  down  in  the  most  summary  man 
ner.  As  there  was  no  such  thing  as  exclusive  pro- 
perty in  our  community,  and  even  a  man's  soul 
could  not  be  called  his  own,  being  under  the  ex- 
clusive direction  of  my  master's  first  principles — • 
the  passion  of  avarice,  or  the  desire  of  accumula- 
tion, had  certainly  less  influence  over  us,  and  we 
worked  solely  for  the  good  of  the  whole.  It  is  true 
we  did  not  labour  with  that  spirit  and  alacrity  men 
do  when  they  are  labouring  for  themselves,  but  from 
a  habit  acquired  by  the  machine,  which  went  its 
regular  course  day  after  day.  But  this,  my  mas- 
ter considered  as  the  highest  proof  of  perfecti- 
bility, which  properly  understood,  consisted  in 
doing  every  thing  necessary  to  the  happiness 
of  the  community  not  from  a  sense  of  duty 
6* 


GO 

but  from  a  habit  acquired  by  the  Man  Machine. 
"  It  is  much  better,"  would  my  master  say. 
"to  do  good  from  habit  than  impulse,  sentiment, 
or  feeling,  which  are  such  capricious  rascals  they 
can  never  be  depended  upon."  On  the  whole 
there  is  no  doubt  but  we  actually  became  perfect 
machines.  We  believed  in  all  my  master's  first 
principles — in  the  encouragement  of  crime  for 
the  last  six  thousand  years,  by  an  erroneous  system 
of  education — in  the  non-accountability  of  man  for 
his  opinions  or  actions — in  the  wickedness  of  pun- 
ishing crimes — the  division  of  labour — the  commu- 
nity of  goods — the  perfect  equality,  and  above  all, 
in  the  committee  of  management.  If  this  was  not 
perfection,  I  believe  there  is  no  such  thing  in  this 
world. 

But  scarcely  had  my  master  demonstrated  the 
great  truths  of  the  New  View  of  Society,  and  made 
his  Men  Machines  quite  perfect  in  their  evolutions, 
when  his  old  enemies  the  counteracting  principles, 
rallied  again,  and  became  as  troublesome  as  ever. 
My  master  in  a  little  time  discovered,  that  though 
it  was  quite  easy  to  make  the  Men  Machines  per- 
fect, it  was  not  quite  so  easy  to  keep  them  so.  As 
the  inanimate  machine  becomes  rickety,  out  of 
order,  and  wears  out  in  time,  so  does  the  animated 
machine  called  man,  continually  give  way  to  that 
mischievous  counteracting  principle,  called  backsli- 
ding.    Scarcely  therefore  were   the  great  counter- 


G7 

acting  principles,  of  ambition,  love  of  glory,  and 
desire  of  knowledge,  thus  totally  subdued,  than  the 
lesser  and  more  ignoble  ones  began  to  cut  a  figure, 
like  corporals  and  sergeant-majors,  in  the  absence 
of  the  commanding  officers.  The  counteracting 
principle  of  envy,"  the  most  grovelling,  contempti- 
ble, and  at  the  same  time,  the  most  malignant, 
began  to  erect  itself,  and  to  do  the  duty  of  half  a 
dozen  others,  in  sowing  the  seeds  of  dissolution  in 
the  perfect  system  of  society.  Experience,  as  1 
sometimes  thought,  gradually  developed  a  truth 
that  my  master  had  left  out  in  his  catalogue  of 
counteracting  circumstances,  to  wit,  that  it  is  utterly 
impossible  to  place  the  Man  Machine  in  any  situa- 
tion where  he  is  out  of  the  reach  of  the  "coun- 
teracting principles."  On  a  desert  island,  said  I. 
mentally,  in  my  moments  of  disappointment,  where 
no  other  human  being  exists,  it  actually  seems  that 
he  will  envy  his  fellow  men  the  enjoyment  of  social 
intercourse,  and  the  birds  the  wings  that  enable 
them  to  go  whither  they  will,  while  he  is  confined 
to  his  solitude.  Place  him  in  a  dungeon,  and, 
I  dare  say,  he  will  envy  others  the  enjoyment  of  air, 
exercise,  and  free  action.  Piace  him  in  beggary, 
and  he  will  very  likely  envy  the  dog  his  bone — and 
place  him  on  a  throne,  he  will  envy  the  poorest 
peasant  his  ruddy  health  and  active  limbs.  Where- 
ever  there  is  inequality  of  any  kind,  there,  as  it 
would  seem,  will  envy  subsist — and  if  it  were  pos- 


03 

sible  to  produce  the  most  perfect  equality  iu  physi- 
cal and  mental  qualities — in  every  species  of 
possession — in  all  that  Providence  can  bestow 
upon  man,  I  could  almost  swear  there  would 
still  be  the  same  necessity  for  the  ten  com- 
mandments as  the  rules  of  our  actions,  and  of  laws 
to  enforce  them,  that  there  is  at  this  moment. 
Yet  for  all  this  you  are  not  to  suppose  that  I  have 
ever  doubted,  except  in  momentary  intervals  of 
vexation  or  disappointment,  the  possibility  of  intro- 
ducing a  universal  state  of  perfectibility  into  thif- 
world,  provided  it  is  not  destroyed  too  soon  to  give 
my  master's  first  principles  a  fair  chance  of  opera- 
ting upon  the  Men  Machines.  How  long  did  man- 
kind go  on  patiently  doing  the  work  of  steam  en- 
gines and  spinning  jenneys,  until  an  inspired  noble- 
man suggested  the  idea  of  the  one,  and  an  inspired 
barber  demonstrated  the  possibility  of  the  other  ? 
Ages  elapsed  from  the  first  suggestion  of  the  appli- 
cation of  the  power  of  steam  to  mechanical  pur- 
poses, and  the  application  itself — and  still  other 
ages,  before  the  machine  was  perfected.  Can  we 
then  expect  that  the  Man  Machine,  equally  com- 
plicated in  its  mechanical  organization,  will  all  at 
once  spring  into  perfection  ?  No,  my  friends ;  as 
the  nice  skill  of  the  moulder  labours  whole  days  to 
prepare  for  the  perfect  casting,  so  must  the  nice 
skill  of  the  reformer  labour  whole  years,  not  to 
gay  centuries,  to  produce  the  perfect  man.    Nothing, 


69 

1  am  convinced,  is  necessary  to  the  perfectibility  of 
the  human  machine,  but  the  same  labour  and  perse- 
verance which  has  perfected  the  steam  engine  and 
cotton  machinery,  co-operating  with  the  proper 
application  of  "circmstances"  and  the  absence  of 
the  rascally  "counteracting  principles."  Then, gen- 
tlemen— then  there  will  be  no  further  occasion  for 
laws  or  religion — punishments  or  rewards — poten- 
tates or  presidents, — the  whole  universe  will  be 
governed  by  "a  committee  of  management,"  of 
which  I  expect  to  be  treasurer,  and  then — 

"  Hey  diddle  diddle,  the  cat  and  the  fiddle, 
"  The  cow  jumped  over  the  moon" — 

Here  the  Man  Machine  jumped  up  and  began  to  caper 
about  till  he  came  nigh  oversetting  the  bowl,  and 
putting  an  end  to  the  perfectibility  of  man  at  once. 
It  was  some  time  before  he  recovered  his  gravity 
sufficiently  to  proceed,  as  follows  : — 

But  however  this  may  be,  I  must  confess  that 
besides  the  little  malignant  counteracting  principle 
of  envy,  which  is  ever  the  substitute  of  emulation 
and  ambition,  there  were  certain  other  "  circum- 
stances," as  my  master  called  them,  such  as  those 
unnaturally  natural  appetites,  or  instincts,  which, 
however  trifling  and  contemptible,  like  rats  and 
mice  on  board  a  ship,  often  endangered  his  whole 
system.  These  were  perpetually  thrusting  them- 
selves forward  in  the  disguise  of  a  preference  of 


70 

beauty  to  deformity — of  light  hair  to  dark — of 
blue  eyes  to  black — of  youth  to  age — of  fair  to 
brown,  and  of  brown  to  fair.  Sometimes  two  ma- 
chines would  agree  in  their  preferences,  and  this 
agreement  at  once  gave  play  to  a  whole  train 
of  counteracting  circumstances,  which  caused  my 
master  infinite  trouble  and  vexation.  At  other 
times  two  machines  would  differ  about  what  my 
master  in  his  New  View  of  Society,  had  expressly 
stipulated  there  should  be  no  difference  about. 
For  instance,  one  was  a  presbyterian,  another  an 
episcopalian,  and  another  had  no  religion  at  all. 
This  was  sufficient  for  argument,  which  on  such 
subjects  generally  becomes  contention,  and  often 
abuse.  In  the  great  and  good-for-nothing  old  system 
of  society  which  subsists  in  the  world,  where  the  ex- 
citements to  the  passions  are  divided  and  subdivided 
almost  to  infinity,  such  disputes  are  easily  forgot- 
ten and  forgiven,  except  among  those  whose  inte- 
rest it  is  to  keep  up  the  antipathy  of  sects.  But 
in  our  community,  we  had  so  few  causes  of 
excitement,  that  one  answered  the  end  of  the 
whole,  and  seemed  to  concentrate  within  itself 
the  fury  of  all  the  passions.  No  matter  there- 
fore what  was  the  cause,  however  insignificant,  it 
produced  the  same  effects.  The  perfect  Man  Ma- 
chine who  saw  his  neighbour  machine  receive 
particular  notice  or  approbation  from  my  master, 
envied  as  bitterly  as  the  courtier  who  sees  his  rival 


71 

supersede  him  in  the  favour  of  the  king.  My 
master  lectured  away,  on  the  sublime  principle 
of  self-love,  but  it  all  would  not  do.  That  in- 
comprehensible scoundrel,  human  nature,  seem- 
ed to  set  his  face  against  him ;  and  it  happened 
too  often  that  the  man  of  nature,  aided  by  the 
rascally  counteracting  circumstances,  got  the  better 
of  the  Man  Machine  and  caused  him  to  backslide 
exceedingly. 

But  my  master  did  not  despair,  for  amidst  all  these 
discouraging  circumstances,  the  common  fund  in- 
creased, and  the  committee  of  management  had 
(  very  year  a  larger  amount  of  property  to  manage — 
for  the  community.  But  for  my  part,  I  began  to  be 
discouraged — not  that  the  reflections  I  have  just 
now  made,  occurred  to  me  at  that  time  ;  they  are 
the  product  of  succeeding  experience  in  the  great 
world.  I  firmly  believed,  and  believe  still,  that 
the  fault  of  all  this  was  not  in  my  master's  sys- 
tem, but  in  human  nature,  that  is  to  say,  human 
nature  debased  and  corrupted  by  six  thousand 
years  of  "  erroneous  training,"  as  my  master  call- 
ed it. 

"  Rome  was  not  built  in  a  day,"  said  my  mas- 
ter one  time — "  and  a  system  of  six  thousand  years 
can  only  be  completely  routed  by  a  counteract- 
ing system  of  equal  duration.  I  shall  not  live  to 
see  it — but  it  will  certainly  happen  ;  if  my  sys- 
tem is  pursued  six  thousand  years  it  will  become 


72 

completely  successful.  I  will  not  despair.  And 
who  knows  after  all  what  may  happen  ?  Who 
knows  but  the  moral  perfectibility  may  bring  about 
the  mechanical  perfectibility  of  the  Man  Machine. 
If  my  system  can  only  prevent,  as  1  have  proved 
it  can,  for  a  time,  the  commission  of  all  sin,  then 
of  course  there  will  be  no  necessity  for  future  re- 
wards and  punishments,  and  as  a  natural  conse- 
quence no  necessity  for  a  man  to  die.  Who 
knows  but  I  may  live  long  enough  to  see  the 
millennium  ?  It  is  only  applying  the  principle  of 
perpetual  motion  to  the  Man  Machine." 

My  master  was  highly  delighted  with  this  new 
light,  and  went  on  with  new  hopes  and  spi- 
rits. He  was  quite  sure  his  Men  Machines  had 
been  perfect,  at  least  for  an  hour  or  two,  and 
though  they  had  afterwards  got  a  little  out  of  order 
he  had  fairly  established  his  principle,  that  they 
were  susceptible  of  absolute  perfectibility.  All 
therefore  that  was  necessary  was  to  make  this 
perfectibility  everlasting,  and  this  could  only  be 
done  by  operating  upon  a  long  succession  of  gene- 
rations of  Men  Machines.  So  he  held  faster  to 
his  system  than  ever,  and  so  did  I.  Indeed  I  had 
no  doubt  that  each  succeeding  race  of  our  com- 
munity, provided  they  were  properly  trained,  and 
the  counteracting  principles  could  be  kept  down, 
would  approach  nearer  and  nearer  to  the  perfect 
state,  and  at  length  reach  it  permanently  at  last. 


73 

Nay,  I  carried  my  anticipations  so  far  as  to  calcu» 
late  that  in  the  course  of  three  or  four  centuries, 
at  farthest,  our  surplus  fund  would  increase  to  such 
an  extent  as  to  enable  my  master,  if  he  lived  so 
long,  to  purchase  all  the  land  in  the  kingdom,  and 
thus  make  perfect  Men  Machines  of  all  my  coun- 
trymen by  actually  buying  them  up  as  we  do  other 
machinery. 

But  alas ! — one  of  my  master's  old  and  desperate 
enemies,  was  destined,  by  that  envious  Provi- 
dence which,  as  it  would  seem,  could  not  bear 
to  see  a  vile  system  which  it  had  permitted  to  exist 
for  six  thousand  years,  routed  by  his  New  View  of 
Society,  to  destroy  all  my  anticipations  in  the  bud. 
My  master  had  unaccountably  forgot,  that  in  order 
to  make  his  system  complete,  it  was  necessary  that 
the  rulers  as  well  as  the  people  should  be  equally 
perfect.  A  reciprocity  of  perfection  was  indispen- 
sable. But  here  my  master's  system*  was  terribly 
out  at  the  elbows,  and  presented  a  signal  example 
of  the  extreme  difficulty  of  introducing  perfection 
into  this  world,  or  in  other  words,  of  reconciling 
impossibilities.  It  is  obvious  that  the  Men  Ma- 
chines, having  the  management  of  the  surplus 
fund — the  buying  and  selling — in  fact,  every  thing 
connected  with  the  pecuniary  affairs  of  the  com- 
munity, must  of  necessity  mix  with  the  world  and 
become  acquainted  with  the  value  of  money,  the 
arts  of  bargaining,  and  other  matters  indispensable 
7 


74 

to  a  judicious  superintendence  of  our  fund.     They 
would  therefore  be  assailed  not  only  by  the  bad 
examples  of  people  educated  in  that  "  erroneous 
system"   which    has    prevailed  for    six  thousand 
years,  but  also  by  all  those  temptations,  or  "  coun- 
teracting principles,"  which  constitute  what   are 
called  the  seductions   of  the  great  world.      It  is 
hardly  possible,  therefore,  but  that  their  machinery 
should  get  more  or  less  out  of  order,  and  they  them- 
selves backslide  from  the  summit  of  perfectibility. 
Thus  it   happened    that    the    treasurer  of  our 
establishment,  who,  at  the  time  of  his  election,  was 
considered  the  most  perfect  Man  Machine  amongst 
us,  being  assailed  by  the  "  counteracting  princi- 
ple" called  a  love  of  money,   and  by  the  other 
"  counteracting  principle,"    the   desire   of  appro- 
priating other  people's   property  to  his  own  use. 
played  us   all  a   saucy  trick.     He  fell  from  grace 
— his  machinery    got  terribly  out  of  order ;   and 
he  backslided  into  a  far  country  with  nearly  the 
whole  proceeds  of  the  surplus  fund  we  had  been 
labouring  to    accumulate  for  years.      The    com- 
mittee of  management  ran  after  the   treasurer — 
my  master  ran  after  the  committee,  and  we  were 
left  alone  like  so  many  babes  howling  in  the  wil- 
derness.    Having  been  so  long  in  leading  strings, 
not  one  of   us  could  walk   alone,  and  it  became 
sufficiently  evident  that  after  all,  the  perfectibility 
of  the  system  entirely    depended,  not  upon   our- 


selves,  but  upon  a  runaway  treasurer,  a  runaway 
committee,  and  a  runaway  reformer.  From  the 
mere  force  of  habit  our  machinery  continued  to 
perform  its  task — to  eat  and  sleep,  to  rise  in  the 
morning  and  lie  down  at  night — buj  the  rest  was 
all  a  vacuum — a  blank — a  state  of  absolute  perfect- 
ibility, produced  by  a  state  of  stagnation. 

In  process  of  time  my  master,  who  was  per- 
fectly innocent  of  all  participation  in  the  fraud 
of  that  infamous  Man  Machine,  the  treasurer, 
except  in  so  far  as  he  had  not  sufficiently  provided 
against  the  influence  of  the  "  counteracting  cir- 
cumstances," returned  from  an  unsuccessful  pur- 
suit of  many  hundred  miles.  We  had  now  the 
world  to  begin  again.  But  to  say  the  truth,  per- 
fectibility is  such  a  horrid  dull  thing,  and  there 
was  such  a  want,  a  total  absence  of  the  charm  of 
variety  in  our  lives  and  occupations,  that  for  some 
time  past  a  great  portion  of  our  community  had 
hung  loose  upon  the  establishment.  It  was  only 
the  cement  of  the  "  surplus  fund,"  that  kept  them 
together,  and  that  being  gone  they  longed  like 
children,  for  such  in  fact  they  were  in  knowledge 
of  the  world,  to  go  forth  and  see  its  distant  won- 
ders. In  one  word,  they  sighed  for  that  freedom 
of  will,  that  release  from  eternal  restraint — eternal 
supervision — and  eternal  monotony,  which  they 
were  obliged  to  submit  to,  in  order  to  arrive  at 
perfection.  The  idea  of  freedom  was  so  exqui- 
sitely grateful,  that  they  forgot  their  losses,  and  in  a 


76 

little  time,  in  spite  of  my  master's  exhortation*, 
and  the  logic  of  his  New  View  of  Society  which  he 
read  over  to  them  six  times,  they  flew  away  like 
gay  birds  in  all  directions,  leaving  him  a  disconso- 
late teacher  without  any  scholars,  but  myself,  and 
a  few  of  the  lame,  blind  and  incapable  of  the  com- 
munity who  were  left  behind.  The  ties  of  kindred 
and  the  feelings  of  humanity  had,  in  truth,  been 
very  much  weakened  for  want  of  exercise  in  our 
establishment,  if  they  were  not  entirely  left  out  in 
the  march  to  perfectibility.  What  became  of  the 
grown  up  children,  thus  putting  themselves  upon 
their  country,  destitute  of  the  habits  and  experi- 
ence necessary  to  self-government,  security,  nay. 
existence  in  the  wide  world,  1  know  not  to  a  cer- 
tainty. I  have  heard  that  many  of  them  were 
wrecked  upon  the  unknown  coast  of  the  world,  and 
that  the  remainder,  during  a  great  part  of  their 
lives,  were  indebted  for  support,  to  that  society 
which  they  had  deserted,  in  pursuit  of  perfection. 
My  business  is  not  however  with  them.  I  am  to 
relate  my  own  story,  which  will  exemplify  the 
situation  of  human  beings,  such  as  it  would  in  all 
probability  be  in  the  event  of  the  ill  success  of 
my  master's  great  plan,  and  the  consequent  neces- 
sity of  their  again  mixing  with  the  world  as  it  is, 
with  the  obligation  of  obeying  its  laws,  conforming 
to  its  institutions  and  fulfilling  its  duties. 

I  continued  with  my  master  some  time  after  the 
backsliding  of  the  treasurer,  and  the  dispersion  of 


his  flock.  Notwithstanding  his  little  eccentricities. 
1  could  not  help  liking  him  for  the  trouble  he  took 
to  make  the  world  perfect.  Besides,  as  the 
apostate  Man  Machine  of  a  treasurer  could  not 
run  away  with  the  village,  the  land  and  the  im- 
provements, our  establishment  was  not  altogether 
ruined,  and  recruits  begun  to  flock  in  from  time  to 
time.  It  would  seem  indeed  that  whatever  may 
be  the  situation  of  a  man,  good,  bad,  or  indifferent, 
there  will  always  be  found  some  one  to  occupy  it 
the  moment  it  is  vacant.  Be  this  as  it  may,  my 
master  railed  more  than  ever  against  the  "  errone- 
ous system"  of  education  pursued  for  the  last  six 
thousand  years,  and  I  verily  believe  would  actually 
have  hung  up  the  "counteracting  principles"  in  a 
row,  could  he  have  fairly  got  them  in  his  clutches, 
notwithstanding  his  opinion  of  the  injustice  of  all 
punishments. 

We  used  to  hold  conversations  together,  and 
my  master,  who  had  great  confidence  in  the  per- 
fection of  my  machinery,  frequently  consulted 
me  on  the  subject  of  either  converting  these 
vile  counteracting  principles  to  his  own  notions, 
or  exterminating  them  entirely.  On  one  of  these 
occasions,  I  thought  I  would  bring  him  fairly  to 
the  point,  by  asking  what  he  meant  exactly  by 
these  counteracting  principles,  which  seemed  to  be 
always  in  his  way. 

7* 


78 

i;  To  tell  you  the  truth,  sir,"  said  I,  "  although 
my  corporeal  Man  Machine  is  perfect,  so  far  as 
respects  its  being  entirely  and  exclusively  governed, 
directed,  set  going  and  stopped,  by  the  great  prin- 
ciple called  the  force  of  habit,  whereby  the  mis- 
chievous influence  of  the  passions  is  entirely  obvi- 
ated ;  yet  I  fear  that  I  am  not  equally  perfect  in 
my  comprehension.  I  confess,  sir,  I  have  never 
yet  been  able  to  understand  exactly  which  you 
mean  by  the  counteracting  principles.  I  have  no 
doubt  they  arc  a  set  of  diabolical  rascals,  but  1 
should  like  to  have  so  particular  a  description  that 
I  might  know  them  half  a  mile  off,  and  get  out  of 
the  way  when  I  saw  them  coming." 

"  What  I  mean,"  replied  he,  after  some  consi- 
derable pause — "'what  I  mean  by  the  '  counter- 
acting •  principles,'  or  '  the  force  of  circumstan- 
ces,' is,  ail  those  vices,  follies,  inconsistencies,  ab- 
surdities, habits,  principles,  and  feelings,  which  an 
erroneous  system  of  education  for  the  last  six  thou- 
sand years  has  implanted  in  the  human  race,  so  as 
to  change,  as  it  were,  their  very  natures,  making 
them  almost  unsusceptible  of  perfectibility,  and 
it  would  seem,  incapable  of  remaining  perfect 
when  I  have  made  them  so.  O !  if  1  could  only 
get  rid  of  these,  what  a  world  I  would  make 
of  it — there  would  be  no  use  in  a  better,  I  pro- 
mise you." 


79 

I  was  just  as  far  off  as  before,  and  went  on. 
"  May  I  ask,  sir,  what  you  mean  by  an  erroneous 
-vstem  of  education  ?" 

"  A  system  which  counteracts  human    nature. 


~n 


,.  )) 


"But  how,  sir?— You  have  always  told  us  that 
human  nature  is  nothing  but  a  bit  of  wax,  on 
which  any  impression  may  be  made,  if  taken  while 
it  is  soft.  It  seems  to  me,  though  I  know  I  am 
mistaken,  that  there  can  be  no  such  thing  as  hu- 
man nature,  and  therefore  that  it  cannot  be  coun- 
teracted by  an  erroneous  system  of  education." 

"  R'ght,  sir — right — human  nature  is  an  absurdih . 
a  non-entity — a — a— in  short,  man  is  nothing  but 
a  machine,  and  his  nature,  or  the  first  principle  of 
his  existence,  nothing  more  than  the  force  of  an 
innate— an  innate— an— a— law  of  matter  like  that 
which  causes  the  wheel  to  go  in  a  circle,  and  the 
runner  in  a  horizontal  line." 

"  But  if  has  often   puzzled   me,   sir,   why if 

human  nature  is  a  mere  machine  with  its  one 
inflexible  law  of  action  like  that  of  a  wheel— why 
you  should  take  so  much  trouble  to  make  it  go 
better.  But  after  all,  sir,  I  don't  see  how  this  ex- 
plains the  counteracting  principles." 

"  Look'e,  sir,"  said  my  master,  who  was  so  well 
satisfied  with  the  truth  of  his  theory  that  he  never 
would  allow  any  body  to  question  it,  without  growing 
rather  sore— "  Look'e,  sir— the  counteracting  prin* 


80 

ciple  is  that  tendency  to  wrong  and  mischief,  which 
is  implanted  in  the  Man  Machine  by  an  erroneous 
system  of  education;  and  the  force  of  circumstances 
is  nothing  more  than  the  temptations  thrown  into 
his  way  by  this  erroneous  system." 

"  As  how,  sir  ?" 

"  By  the  counteracting  principles,  sir." 

"  I  believe  I  am  very  stupid,  sir — but  really  I 
do  not  even  yet  comprehend  these  principles. 
What  are  they  ?" 

My  master  began  to  redden. 

"  Why,  sir — if  I  must  take  the  trouble  to  answer 
your  impertinent  questions,  sir,  I  tell  you — that 
avarice,  lust,  ambition,  envy,  malice  and  revenge, 
are  what  I  call  the  counteracting  principles." 

"  O !  I  understand  now — what  we  used  to  call 
the  passions." 

"The  passions! — 'tis  false,  sir — they  are  not 
what  we  used  to  call  the  passions — the  passions  arc- 
phantoms — they  have  no  existence  except  in  the 
brain  of  stupidity — they  are  the  infamous  incestu- 
ous product  of  the  vile  system  of  education  pursued 
for  the  last  six  thousand  years.  There  is  no  such 
thing  as  passion — or  I  say,  there  should  not,  and 
there  would  not,  be  such  a  thing,  if  it  were  not  for 
the  rascally  counteracting  principles — you  are  a 
blockhead,  sir — and  may  go — where  you  please." 

"  It  may  be — but  1  am  a  perfect  machine  for  all 
that — nobody  shall  convince  me  to  the  contrary."* 


81 


•%  lou  are  a  perfect  ass,"  said  my  master,  turn- 
ing his  back  upon  me  in  great  wrath — "  you  are  a 
perfect  ass — and  the  machinery  of  your  upper 
works  is  not  worth  a  tobacco-stopper.  I  wonder 
how  I  could  make  a  tolerable  cotton  spinner  ot 
you." 

This  attack  upon  my  perfectibility,  nettled  me  a 
good  deal ;  neither  was  I  quite  satisfied  with  my 
master's  definition  of  the  counteracting  principles. 
I  began  to  hang  rather  loose  upon  the  establish- 
ment; but  am  not  sure  I  should  have  left  it,  but  for 
a  "  circumstance,"  which  I  consider  the  most  un- 
lucky that  ever  happened  to  me  in  my  whole  life. 

It  is  time  to  remind  you  that  I  had  once  a  father, 
mother,  brothers  and  sisters.     The  pursuit  of  per- 
fectibility, with  other  important  matters,  has  hith- 
erto prevented  my  telling  you  that  I  lost  them  all, 
one  after  the  other,  in  the  course  of  a  few  years. 
My  father— but  I  will  not  expose  him— he  died. 
My  mother  did  not  long  survive  ;  and  my  poor  little 
brothers  and  sisters  dropt   one  after  another,  into 
that  yawning  tomb  prepared  for  their  reception  by 
the  glorious  champions  of  productive  labour.    They 
withered  like  so   many  poor  ignoble  little  flowers, 
shut  out  from  air  and  sunshine— they  waxed  pale, 
sickly,  and  yellow— they  became  stinted  in  growth^ 
dry,  flimsy,  inactive— and  at  last  incapable.    One 
after  another  they  died  away,  as  it  were  of   no 
other  disease  than  that  of  the  spinning  jenney 


82 

When  I  think  of  them  now,  the  tears  come  into  my 
eyes,  although  it  was  so  long  ago ;  but  their  fate  at  the 
time  made  but  little  impression.  I  was  too  busy 
attending  upon  the  evolutions  of  the  ever  turning 
wheel,  the  sole  object  of  my  earthly  contempla- 
tions. From  long  watching  the  eternal  round  of 
the  spinning  jenney,  its  action  became  so  impressed 
on  the  pupil  of  my  eyes,  and  its  buzzing  noise  upon 
the  drum  of  my  ear,  that  present  or  absent,  sleep- 
ing or  waking,  my  brain  retained  no  other  image, 
and  bore  no  other  impress  but  that.  The  wheel 
was  perpetually  dancing  before  me;  and  as  a  man 
after  looking  at  the  bright  sun  in  the  firmament, 
tor  a  few  moments,  sees  when  he  withdraws  his 
eyes  a  thousand  orbs  dancing  before  him,  so  did  I 
a  thousand  spinning  jenneys.  It  was  thus  that  my 
natural  feelings  and  nicer  perceptions,  died  away 
for  want  of  exercise,  and  when  I  saw  myself  alone 
in  the  world,  by  the  death  of  all  my  family,  I 
tried  to  be  sorry,  but  could  comprehend  nothing 
distinctly  but  the  spinning  jenney. 

About  the  time  my  master  insulted  me  for  not 
properly  comprehending  the  counteracting  circum- 
stances, and  while  I  felt  a  little  sore  on  the  subject, 
one  of  these  diabolical  villains  was  let  loose  upon 
me  before  I  was  aware  of  it.  News  was  brought 
me  that  a  person  possessing  a  good  estate  in  a  dis- 
tant part  of  the  country,  had  died  intestate,  and 
that  after  minute  investigation  it  was  found  I  was 


83 


next  heir  to  the  whole  of  his  property.  I  was 
therefore  regularly  summoned  to  take  possession. 
Here  was  a  "  counteracting  circumstance,"  as  my 
master  called  it,  enough  to  make  one's  hair  stand 
on  end — turn  his  whole  New  View  of  Society 
wrong  side  outwards,  and  destroy  the  perfectibility 
of  man. 

My  views,  perceptions,  and  opinions  were  for  a 
time  changed,  as  if  by  magic.  When  I  had  no- 
thing I  was  a  great  admirer  of  a  community  of 
goods — now  I  was  rich  I  turned  up  my  nose  at  the 
very  idea  of  such  an  odd  ridiculous  notion,  and 
argued  with  my  master  on  the  subject  with  a  de- 
gree of  independence  at  which  he  was  quite  asto- 
nished. I  offered  to  bet  him  a  round  sum  to  back  my 
opinions,  and  this  was  better  than  all  his  first  princi- 
ples put  together.  My  master  proposed  to  make 
me  treasurer,  but  as  there  was  no  common  fund, 
but  what  1  might  contribute,  I  resisted  the  tempt- 
ing offer  of  being  allowed  to  take  care  o£  my  own 
money,  manfully.  In  an  evil  hour,  I  determined  to 
give  up  all  the  delights  of  perfectibility — to  yield 
to  the  force  of  the  counteracting  circumstance — 
to  follow  the  bent  of  the  enlarged  principle  of  social 
self-love,  and  return  to  the  great  world  again,  to  set 
a  good  example  and  reform  its  abuses.  Before  I 
went,  I  resigned  mjr  portion  of  the  village,  the  land 
and  its  improvements,  to  the  remnant  of  the  com- 
munity that  had  laboured  with  me,  after  which  I 


84 

sallied  forth,  full  of  hopes,  fears  and  anticipation- 
of  I  knew  not  what.  I  remember  the  first  thing 
that  alarmed  me  in  my  debut,  was  seeing  two  pigs 
fighting,  an  atrocity  which  none  of  the  orderly  swine 
brought  up  under  the  New  View  of  Society  ever 
were  guilty  of  while  in  a  perfect  state.  They  arc- 
terribly  under  the  influence  of  the  counteracting 
principles,  said  I,  to  a  person  who  happened  to  be 
near. 

"Of  what  ?"  said  he,  turning  quick  upon  mc. 

"Of  the  counteracting  principles,"  said  I. 

"  They  are  under  the  influence  of  passion." 
said  he. 

"  My  dear  sir,  there  are  no  such  things  as  the 
passions — they  are  nothing  but  circumstances." 

"  Who  told  you  so  ?"  replied  he,  eyeing  me  with 
a  queer  look,  half  surprised  and  half  angry. 

"  My  master — he  can  prove  to  you,  by  his  pre- 
cepts, if  not  by  his  example,  that  there  are  no  such 
things  in  his  New  View  of  Society,  as  passions. 
They  are  nothing  but  circumstances  and  counter- 
acting principles,  as  I  said  before." 

"  Tut,"  replied  he — "  'tis  only  a  new  name  for 
an  old  thing — your  master,  whoever  he  is,  may 
call  black  white,  or  white  black,  yet  that  won't 
alter  the  colour." 

"  1  see  you  have  never  read  the  New  View  of 
Society — you  are  suffering  all  the  evils,  miseries 
and  inconsistencies  of  that  abominable  system  of 


education  which  has  prevailed  in  the  world  for 
ihe  last  six  thousand  years.  You  have  '  been 
taught  crime  from  your  youth,'  as  my  master  says, 
and  I  dare  affirm,  will  one  day  be  unjustly  sub- 
jected to  punishment  for  those  very  offences  which 
it  was  impossible  you  should  not  commit." 

"  Abominable  system  of  education !  Taught 
crime  from  my  youth  !  Punished  for  offences  it 
was  impossible  1  should  not  commit !  What  do 
you  mean,  sir  ?"  cried  he,  in  a  passion. 

"  I  mean,"  said  I,  with  perfect  politeness — 
"  I  mean  that  it  is  more  than  an  equal  chance 
that  you  will  one  day  be  hanged  by  the  mere 
;  force  of  circumstances' — as  my  master  says." 

Upon  this  the  imperfect  Man  Machine  unluckily 
gave  way  to  the  rascally  counteracting  principles, 
and  came  forward  with  an  evident  intention  to 
knock  me  down. 

"  I'll  teach  you  to  throw  out  reflections  upon 
me" — 

"My  dear  Man  xMachine— I  meant  no  reflection, 
— none  in  the  world — if  you  should  happen  to  be 
hanged  it  will  not  be  your  fault — it  will  be  the 
fault  of  your  education,  for  which  you  are  no  more 
accountable  than  for  your  subsequent  actions.  If 
any  body  deserves  to  be  hanged,  it  is  your  father 
and  mother,  who  brought  you  up  in  a  profound 
ignorance  of  the  'counteracting  principles,'  and 
8 


that  delightful  self-love,  which  is  the  basis  of  all 
social  happiness." 

"  My  good  friend,"  replied  he,  in  a  tone  of  con- 
tempt— "  you  arc  either  a  fool  or  a  madman — I 
can't  tell  which." 

"  I  am  a  philosopher." 

"  The  difference  is  not  much  now-a-days," 
quoth  he — and  coolly  turned  away. 

As  1  proceeded  on  my  way  to  take  possession  of 
my  estate,  I  every  moment  discovered  that  I  had  got 
into  a  new  world,  where  I  was  a  fish  out  of  water. 
Every  thing  seemed  at  sixes  and  sevens — and  there 
was  a  horrible  freedom  of  will  and  of  action  that 
kept  me  in  perpetual  trepidation — neither  man 
nor  beast  seemed  to  pay  the  least  attention  to 
the  sublime  precepts  of  the  New  View  of  Society. 
In  our  establishment  there  was  a  perfect  equality 
— except  that  no  person  was  permitted  to  have  a 
voice  in  choosing  the  committee  of  management, 
unless  he  was  worth  a  hundred  pounds.*  There 
was  also  a  perfect  freedom  of  action — except 
that  the  committee  regulated  the  employment  of 
every  member  "  consistently  with  the  public 
good."t  In  short,  there  was  a  regularity — a 
beautiful  monotonv.  like   the  ticking  of   a  clock. 


*  See  New  View  of  Society,  Constitution. 
t  Ibid,  tor  similar  regulations. 


o*7 


or  the  evolutions  of  a  spinning  jcnney — aien,  wo- 
men, and  children — pigs,  ducks,  geese  and  chick- 
ens— hogs,  dogs,  horses,  cows,  oxen,  sheep  and 
asses — there  seemed  scarcely  any  perceptible  dif- 
ference between  them — the  instinct  of  the  one 
seemed  quite  equal  to  the  reason  of  the  other — 
and  if  there  was  any  difference,  it  was  in  favour 
of  honest  instinct.  The  committee  of  manage- 
ment constituted  the  great  moving  principle, 
which  set  the  whole  machinery  of  the  establish- 
ment going — they  were  the  steam  to  the  engine. 
I  should  do  injustice  to  one  of  the  most  perfect 
machines  I  ever  saw,  if  I  neglected  to  mention  in 
this  place,  a  most  sagacious  donkey,  whose  spe- 
cial vocation  it  was  to  carry  water.  He  would  go  to 
the  well  and  return  with  his  load  as  regularly  as  a 
Man  Machine,  and  that  too  without  a  driver.  But 
no  reasoning,  no  violence,  no  first  principles,  could 
make  him  go  one  step  beyond  the  well,  or  carry  a 
single  load  after  the  hour  of  twelve.  He  knew  as 
well  as  any  Man  Machine,  when  the  clock  struck 
twelve,  and  whenever  it  was  attempted  to  make 
him  take  another  trip  to  the  well,  the  "  counter- 
acting principle"  became  invincible.  What  more 
could  we  expect  from  your  boasted  rational  ani- 
mals ? 

But  the  world  into  which  I  had  got,  was  a  me- 
lancholy contrast  to  this  perfect  system.  Every 
man  seemed  to  be  actually  in  some  measure  go- 


88 

veined,  and  impelled  by  his  own  will,  and  of  com  - 
every  man  took  his  own  way.     Every  one  chose 
his  own  occupation,  without  consulting,  or  being 
directed  by  a  committee  of  management,  which  by 
relieving  the  community  from  the  labour  of  think- 
ing for  itself,  leaves  every  one  at  full  liberty  to 
do   nothing — but  labour    for    the  joint  benefit   of 
others.     As  with  the  biped  so  with  the  quadruped 
machines.     Not  one  of  them  seemed  to  know  its 
place  as  in  my  master's  establishment;   each  ram- 
bled and  fed,  apparently  where  it  liked,  and  so  it 
performed  its  appropriate  task,  or  answered  its  des- 
tined end,  was  allowed  every  other  species  of  free- 
dom.   The  worst  of  it  was,  that  though  I  could  not 
help  pitying  and  despising  all  of  them  in  a  lump,  I 
was  provoked  to  see  them  look  a  hundred  times 
happier  and  more  sprightly  than  my  master's  two 
legged,  and  four  legged  machines.    The  men  whist- 
led and  the  women  sung  at  their  work — the  little 
children  laughed  and  shouted  in  a  most  unseemly 
manner  amid   their   unregulated    gambols,    where 
they  sometimes   fought   and   squabbled    horribly. 
Their   happiness  was    unaccountable — and   could 
only  proceed  from  an  utter  ignorance  of  my  mas- 
ter's New  View  of  Society.     If  they  could  only 
read  that,  thought  I,  they  would  go  near  to  destroy 
themselves.     The  poor  creatures  little  anticipated, 
that  probably  two  thirds  of  them  would  live  to  be 
hanged  or  otherwise  punished,  only  for  committing 


89 

crimes  actually  forced  upon  them  by  the  erroneous 
system  of  education  inflicted  on  mankind  for  the 
last  six  thousand  years.  But  the  greatest  enor- 
mity I  saw,  was  an  ox  who  seemed  so  particularly 
delighted  with  the  liberty  he  enjoyed  of  doing  as  he 
pleased  for  a  little  while,  that  he  actually  cut  a  ca- 
per that  would  have  scandalized  all  the  sober  ma- 
chines of  my  master's  establishment.  I  could  not 
help  drawing  a  contrast  between  the  gaiety  I  now 
saw,  and  the  philosophic  ennui,  which  at  all  times 
displayed  itself  in  our  establishment,  and  which  in- 
creased with  every  advance  to  perfection. 
These  impressions  and  reflections,  however  insen- 
sibly, gave  place  to  others,  as  I  gradually  approach- 
ed towards  my  new  home,  where  I  at  length  arrived 
without  any  material  accident.  It  was  a  retired 
spot,  in  a  remote  county — pleasantly  situated,  and 
within  two  miles  of  a  little  town.  The  old  servants 
of  the  late  owner  received  me  with  attentive  re- 
spect, and  conducted  me  to  a  room  where  dinner 
was  served  up  in  handsome  style.  I  asked  them  if 
they  had  dined,  and  on  their  replying  in  the  nega- 
tive, invited  them  to  sit  down  with  me.  They  at 
first  thought  I  was  joking — but  on  my  peremptorily 
insisting  upon  it,  they  sat  down  with  awkward  embar- 
rassment. It  was  plain  to  me  they  never  had  read 
the  New  View  of  Society — and  knew  nothing  of 
the  community  of  goods — the  perfect  equality — the 
incapacity  of  the  Man  Machine  to  govern  his   opi- 


90 

nions  Or  actions — the  horrible  system  of  education 
of  the  last  six  thousand  years — the  divine  impulse 
or  circumstance  of  self-love,  and  the  counteracting 
principles.  Here  was  a  fine  field  for  the  applica- 
tion of  my  master's  theory. 

I  resolved  to  lose  no  time,  and  as  soon  as  dinner 
was  over,  began  by  laying  down  the  first  principles 
of  the  New  View.  I  taught  them  that  man  was  a 
machine,  and  might  be  governed  like  all  other 
pieces  Df  machinery — that  as  men  were  taught 
crime  by  the  very  education  they  received,  there 
was  no  necessity  nor  even  justice  in  inflicting  pun- 
ishment— that  from  the  beginning  of  the  world  to 
the  present  time,  all  men  had  been  erroneously 
trained,  and  hence  all  the  inconsistencies  and 
misery  of  mankind — that  a  man's  will  has  no  con- 
trol over  his  opinions  nor  his  actions,  so  far  as  they 
are  influenced  by  those  opinions — that  as  all  crimes 
originated  in  an  erroneous  education  over  which 
we  had  no  control,  we  could  not  be  justly  ac- 
countable for  them,  either  in  the  sight  of  God  or 
man — that  self-love  was  the  prime  source  of  all 
virtue  and  happiness — that  man  was  a  machine 
having  naturally  no  passions  but  what  are  instilled 
into  him  by  an  abominable  system  of  education — 
that  he  is  capable  of  perfectibility — and  that 
nothing  stands  in  the  way  of  it  but  the  rascally 
counteracting  principles.  These  doctrines  I  re- 
peated every  day,  until  my  people   got  them  by 


91 

heart  and  could  repeat  them.  Nay,  I  put  them  in 
the  form  of  a  catechism,  which'  I  heard  every 
Sunday,  instead  of  sending  them  to  church  to  hear 
the  parson  "  dogmatize/'  I  put  in  force  a  number 
of  my  master's  regulations,  and  adopted  his  system 
in  all  its  material  parts,  having  no  doubt  that  in  a 
reasonable  time,  I  should  produce  a  great  reform  in 
my  household.  And  so  I  should  without  doubt,  but 
for  my  masters  old  enemies,  some  of  whom  fol- 
lowed me  into  my  retirement,  and  were  as  busy 
as  ever  in  counteracting  our  plans  for  the  perfecti- 
bility of  the  Man  Machine. 

My  establishment  consisted  of  an  old  house- 
keeper, with  whom  I  had  more  trouble  than  with 
all  the  rest  put  together.  She  had  long  reigned 
mistress,  and  master  too,  of  the  house — for  I  have 
been  credibly  informed,  that  my  predecessor,  an 
old  bachelor,  was  more  afraid  of  her  than  my  mas- 
ter was  of  the  counteracting  principles.  Indeed, 
my  experience  has  long  since  taught  me,  that  it  is 
no  way  of  escaping  the  tyranny  of  the  sex  to  re- 
main single.  I  never  yet  saw  an  old  bachelor 
that  was  not  sooner  or  later  most  awfully  henpeck- 
ed by  some  bitter  old,  or  sweet  young  housekeeper, 
nurse,  cook,  or  bed-maker.  Mistress  Jeannie,  as 
she  was  called,  was  one  of  the  very  pillars  of  aris- 
tocracy. She  could  not  bear  the  sight  of  your 
"  ruff  scruff,"  as  she  called  them,  and  disliked  your 
poor  people  inordinately.     The  pedigrees  of  all 


92 

around,  far  and  near,  were  known  to  her  a  thousand 
times  better  than  at  the  herald's  office,  and  Lyon, 
King  at  Arms,  was  a  fool  to  her  in  genealogy.  You 
could  tell  the  antiquity  of  a  family  by  the  cour- 
tesy she  made  to  its  representative  at  church.  In 
short  she  had  been  used  to  the  exercise  of  power  ; 
and  held  herself  considerably  above  the  majority 
around  her — two  of  the  great  counteracting  prin- 
ciples, in  the  way  of  reform.  It  will  always  be 
found,  I  fear,  that  the  desire,  or  the  abhorrence  of 
a  system  of  equality,  entirely  depends  upon  the 
question,  whether  it  will  raise  or  depress  us  in  the 
scale  of  society. 

The  other  members  of  my  establishment,  were  a 
steward,  or  manager,  a  shrewd,  wary  Scotsman,  of 
whom  it  was  said  that  he  paid  much  attention  to 
the  affairs  of  his  master,  and  much  more  to  his 
own.  He  was  supposed  to  be  considerably  under 
the  influence  of  the  counteracting  principles — 
something  of  a  hypocrite,  and  a  little  more  of  a 
rogue.  His  name  was  Macnab,  and  he  prided  -him- 
self upon  what  he  was  pleased  to  call  his  Celtic 
origin.  There  was  a  footman,  a  coachman,  stable 
boy,  and  one  or  two  others  of  miscellaneous  occu- 
pation, together  with  two  maids,  one  of  whom  was 
no  beauty,  and  the  other  had  as  much  vanity  and 
affectation  as  a  dutchess  of  three  tails.  Rather 
unpromising  machines  for  perfectibility,  thought  I — 
but  what  of  that?  I  have  no  doubt,  as  my  master 


93 

affirms*  that  any  character  may  be  given  to  a  com- 
munity, or  to  the  world  at  large,  by  means  which 
are  at  the  command  of  those  who  influence  human 
affairs.* 

Much  to  my  satisfaction,  I  discovered  in  a  little 
time,  that  my  people  glided  with  perfect  ease  into  the 
New  System  of  Society,  so  far  as  respected  their  in- 
tercourse with  me.  They  set  down  at  meals  at  the 
same  table,  with  me,  and  so  far  from  displaying  any 
awkward  embarrassment,  or  making  any  sacrifices 
of  appetite  in  consideration  of  my  authority,  they 
made  a  point  of  helping  themselves  to  the  choice 
bits  on  all  occasions.  This  was  promising,  and  I 
had  little  doubt  of  ultimate  success,  when  all  at 
once  the  villainous  counteracting  principles  made 
their  appearance,  and  hatched  a  plot  against  me 
that  had  well  nigh  overturned  my  New  System. 

The  first  was  the  counteracting  principle  of 
insubordination.  My  steward,  the  Celtic  Macnab, 
began  to  demur  most  sturdily  to  my  directions — 
insisting  that  as  we  were  upon  a  perfect  equality, 
in  all  other  respects,  he,  as  the  person  that  had 
most  experience  in  these  matters,  ought  to  have 
the  sole  superintendence  of  the  agricultural  part 
of  the  system.  On  my  demurring  to  this,  he 
turned  away  without  ceremony,  muttering  some 


*  See  New  View  of  Society  for  similar  doctrines. 


94 

tiling  exceedingly  disrespectful  tcr  spinning  jennies 
and  machinery.  He  then  went  to  honest  Mur- 
doch the  ploughman,  a  brave  Kilkenny  boy  as  ever 
broke  heads  for  amusement,  and  directed  him  to 
plow  a  certain  field  for  the  purpose  of  planting 
ruta  baga. 

"  Ruta  what  ?"  quoth  Murdoch. 

"  Turnips,"  said  Macnab. 

"  The  divil  burn  such  articles  as  turnips,  say  I." 

"But  you  must  plant  them  for  all  that." 

"  Must — must,  did  you  say  ?  That  for  you  Mac- 
nab," cried  Murdoch,  snapping  his  fingers — "  there 
is  no  must  here  in  the  New  Jerusalem.  Turnips ! 
— faugh! — would  you  set  an  Irishman  planting  tur- 
nips when  there  is  such  a  ting  as  the  beautiful  pa- 
late, in  the  land  of  the  living.  Divil  burn  me  Mac- 
nab, if  I  plant  a  turnip  if  you  christen  them  by  the 
name  of  the  best  saint  in  the  calendar." 

"  But  I  say  you  must  and  shall — an't  I  the  mana- 
ger ?  You  forget  yourself,  Mr.  Murdoch." 

"  Faith,  Macnab,  you're  out  there — I'm  just 
beginning  to  remember  myself.  You  manager  ! — 
take  notice,  ye  old  Celtic  dried  up  mushroom,  there 
is  to  be  no  manager  or  management  here — our 
master — that  is  to  say,  our  instructor,  for  all  other 
master's  I  disdain — has  satisfied  me  that  we  have 
nothing  to  do  with  making  our  own  opinions — now 
my  opinion  is  decidedly  in  favour  of  planting  pata- 
tees — and  if  I  am  wrong  you  will  please  put  it  down 


95 

to  tiie  errors  of  my  education — patatees  for  ever! 
ye  old  worn  out  Man  Machine,"  cried  Murdoch, 
throwing  up  his  hat — "  huzza  for  patatees  !" 

"  I  say  turnips,"  vociferated  Macnab. 

"And  I  say" patatees,"  vociferated  Murdoch. 
"  If  I  plant  any  thing  but  patatees,  may  they  rise  up 
and  ate  me,  instead  of  my  ating  them." 

Macnab  was  on  the  point  of  referring  the  matter 
to  me,  when  he  recollected  that  tb's  would  be  ac- 
knowledging my  authority.  So  he  gave  up  to  Mur- 
doch, who  planted  his  potatoes  in  triumph. 

One  day  I  desired  my  coachman  to  get  up  the 
horses,  for  a  ride  to  the  neighbouring  village.  But 
he  declined  the  motion,  observing  that  the  princi- 
ple of  self-love,  which  I  had  convinced  him  was  the 
groundwork  of  all  happiness,  prompted  him  to  go 
in  the  carriage  himself,  having  made  a  party  with 
the  pretty  chambermaid  to  the  fair.  Accordingly, 
he  went  to  the  stables  and  ordered  out  the  horses. 
The  stable  boy  demurred ;  it  appears  he  also  had 
made  a  party  to  the  fair,  and  would  not  give  up 
to  the  coachman.  The  counteracting  principles 
waxed  warm  within  them — they  incontinently  fell 
together  by  the  ears,  and  battered  each  other  till 
the  Man  Machine  was  terribly  disarranged. 

The  inside  of  my  house  was  in  a  worse  state  if 
possible,  than  the  outside.  There  was  the  mischief  to 
pay  among  the  Women  Machines.  The  authority 
of  the  old  housekeeper  fell  to  the  ground — and  her 


96 

long  established  system  of  domestic  economy  was 
assailed  by  the  whole  force  of  the  New  View  of  So- 
ciety. The  Women  Machines  in  fact  carried  my 
master's  first  principles  to  such  an  extreme  that 
Ihey  actually  degenerated  into  the  counteracting 
principles,  and  went  over  to  the  enemy.  The  prin- 
ciple of  perfect  equality,  in  their  hands  became 
self-willed  disobedience — the  principle  of  a  com- 
munity of  goods,  became  the  counteracting  princi- 
ple of  helping  themselves  to  whatever  they  wanted 
— and  the  great  fundamental  principle  of  self-love 
became  anti-social,  by  the  prevalence  of  my  mas- 
ter's grand  counteracting  principle  of  the  centri- 
petal attraction.  In  short,  there  was  one  eternal 
squabble  in  the  house,  and  poor  Jeannie,  who  had 
never  throughly  come  over  to  the  principle  of  uni- 
versal equality  in  all  things,  almost  fell  a  victim  to 
the  sublime  doctrine  of  perfectibility.  Half  the 
time  I  had  no  dinner  cooked,  and  was  obliged  to  lie 
in  an  unmade  bed,  owing  to  the  predominating  in- 
fluence of  the  counteracting  principles. 

"  O !  man,  man  !"  I  sometimes  exclaimed  in 
despair — and  more  emphatically-r^'"  O  !  woman, 
woman  ! — after  all  1  fear  that  thou  art  nothing  but 
a  bundle  of  counteracting  principles.  But  perse- 
verance does  wonders.  My  master  certainly 
made  Men  Machines  perfect  at  one  time—I  will 
not  despair." 


97 

With  this  resolution  I  set  about  a  reform,  as 
speedily  as  possible,  for  to  say  the  truth,  I  found 
that  if  we  went  on  in  this  way  much  longer,  I  should 
be  obliged  either  to  take  up  money  or  starve.  Sav- 
ing honest  Murdoch's  potatoes,  our  crop  this  year 
was  nothing.  It  really  appeared,  that  owing  to  some 
misunderstanding  or  misapplication  of  my  masters 
first  principles,  that  his  perfect  system  of  equality, 
resulted  in  making  every  body  dependent  exclu- 
sively upon  the  person  whose  duty  it  was  to  per- 
form the  particular  office  required.  Thus  I  was 
entirely  at  the  mercy  of  my  cook  for  a  dinner — 
my  coachman  for  a  ride — and  my  housemaids  for  a 
new-made  bed.  This  I  was  satisfied  must  be  the 
work  of  the  counteracting  principles.  I  will  set 
about  counteracting  them  forthwith. 

I  called  these  refractory  Machines  together  and 
lectured  them  on  the  spirit  of  insubordination, 
paying  at  the  same  time  proper  respect  to  the 
principle  of  equality.  I  told  them  that  equality 
was,  after  all,  not  the  entire  absence  of  every  spe- 
cies of  inequality,  but  such  an  equality  as  was 
consistent  with  a  due  spirit  of  subordination — that 
a  community  of  goods,  did  not  mean  the  right  of 
helping  ourselves  to  just  what  we  wanted — that 
the  sublime  principle  of  self-love,  was  not  the  love 
of  self,  but  of  society — and  that  the  idea  of  a  man 
not  being  accountable  for  his  opinions  and  actions, 
only  meant  to  apply  to  those  opinions  he  might 
9 


93 

indulge,  and  those  actions  he  might  commit,  with 
a  due  regard  to  the  laws  and  customs  of  society. 

"  Och  murder,"  roared  Murdoch — "  Och  mur- 
der and  Irish — our  teacher  has  gone  over  to  the 
counteracting  principles.  Uivil  burn  the  New 
System  of  Society,  say  I ;  it  is  nothing  but  the  old 
one  in  disguise  after  all." 

Here  it  will  be  perceived  that  the  counteracting 
principles  carried  the  Man  Machine,  Murdoch, 
from  one  extreme  to  the  other.  The  moment  I 
talked  to  him  of  restraining  one  of  my  master's 
first  principles,  he  and  all  the  rest  of  them  imme- 
diately protested  that  I  abandoned  my  whole  sys- 
tem. I  was  almost  tempted  to  believe  that  if  man 
was  a  machine,  it  must  be  a  pendulum,  which 
never  stops,  except  at  extremes,  until  it  ceases 
its  motion  entirely. 

Thus  it  happened  with  the  machines  of  my  esta- 
blishment. 1  could  never  get  them  to  stop  at  the 
right  place.  The  villanous  counteracting  princi- 
ples, were  always  tugging  at  the  skir(s  of  the  men, 
and  the  petticoats  of  the  women,  now  pulling  them 
over  the  line  this  way,  and  now  that,  from  one  side 
to  the  other,  to  the  total  disarrangement  of  my 
plans,  and  the  downfall  of  perfectibility.  As  I 
proceeded  to  qualify  the  application  of  my  master's 
great  fundamental  principles,  they  all  held  up  their 
hands,  and  raised  their  voices  against  such  un- 
heard of  restraints  in  a  perfect  system  of.  society. 


99 

"  Arrah  !"  exclaimed  orator  Murdoch — "  here's  a 
pretty  kettle  of  fresh  fish  all  turned  salt.  Here's 
a  pretty  attack  on  the  perfectibility  of  man. 
Here's  splitting  of  hairs  and  philosophising  people 
out  of  their  liberty.  I'm  for  none  of  his  wishey- 
washey,  half-and-half  equality,  and  community. 
Neck  or  nothing  with  Murdoch.  By  St.  Patrick, 
who  set  all  the  sarpents  and  frogs  free  from  old 
Ireland,  I'd  rather  be  a  slave  outright,  than^not 
be  as  free  as  a  mother  Carey's  chicken.  By  J — s," 
added  he,  after  a  pause — "let's  vote  him  down. 
Here's  six  of  us,  each  equal  to  him — six  to  one — all 
hollow — vote  him  down — vote  him  down — huzza 
for  the  first  principles,  and  let  every  one  do  as 
they  please." 

The  counteracting  principles  carried  all  before 
them — the  resolution  passed  by  acclamation,  and  I 
found  myself  in  the  situation  of  a  man,  who  in  get- 
ting through  a  wall,  has  made  a  hole  which  he  can't 
stop  again  for  his  life.  Still  I  did  not  despair,  be- 
ing positively  certain  that  my  master  had  at  one 
time  succeeded* in  making  Men  Machines  per- 
fect, and  that  what  had  been  done  might  be  done 
again.  I  determined  to  discharge  my  present  ma- 
chines as  incorrigible,  and  collect  a  new  set, 
younger,  and  less  under  the  influence  of  the  coun- 
teracting circumstances.  Calling  them  together,  I 
announced  my  intention  of  dismissing  them,  on  the. 
score  of  their  not  comprehending  my  master's  first 


100 

principles.  But  an  unexpected  difficulty  present- 
ed itself,  in  the  shape  of  a  counteracting  principle 
as  usual. 

Not  one  of  them  would  go,  unless  I  consented  to 
make  a  fairdivision  of  the  common  property.  With 
the  exception  of  the  old  housekeeper,  who  sighed 
for  the  restoration  of  her  ancient  dominion  over  the 
household,  I  was  deserted  by  all.  They  clamoured 
for  a  division  of  property,  although  I  tried  to 
convince  them,  that  as  they  had  not  contributed 
any  thing  to  the  common  fund,  but  had  spent  twice 
as  much  as  they  earned,  they  were  entitled  to  no- 
thing. 

"  Och,  then,  he  denies  the  sublime  principle  of 
equality,"  cried  Murdoch — "  he  has  fallen  from 
the  state  of  perfectibility.  My  sweet  ones,  what 
say  you — let's  vote  him  out — let's  banish  him  the 
community  as  an  outlaw — a  white  boy — an  imper- 
fect machine — a  traitorous  adherent  to  those  dia- 
bolical villains  the  counteracting  principles." 

Murdoch's  motion  was  carried  without  opposi- 
tion, except  from  the  housekeeper,  and  yield- 
ing to  the  force  of  the  counteracting  principles,  I 
quietly  went  into  banishment  at  the  neighbouring 
village.  Thus  I  found  to  my  no  small  astonish- 
ment, that  the  operation  of  my  master's  first  prin- 
ciples, being  somehow  or  other  got  under  by  the 
force  of  the  counteracting  principles,  had  actually 
turned  me  out  of  my  inheritance. 


101 

I  have  said  nothing  of  the  Celtic  Macnab  of  late. 
The  truth  is,  he  seemed  to  join  but  little  in  these 
revolutionary  proceedings.  He  was  generally 
either  busy  or  affecting  to  be  busy  elsewhere, 
and  kept  himself  perfectly  quiet.  It  will  be  seen 
anon  what  he  was  about  all  this  while.  At  the 
village,  1  was  waited  upon  by  the  minister  of  the 
parish,  who,  hearing  of  my  situation,  came  to  offer 
me  advice  and  consolation.  He  advised  me  to  ap- 
peal to  the  laws  for  redress.     I  shook  my  head — 

"  That  would  be  giving  up  my  system  entirely." 

"  What  system,  I  pray  ?"  asked  the  old  man. 

"  The  system  of  perfectibility,  as  exemplified  in 
my  master's  New  View  of  Society." 

"  So  then,  you  believe  in  the  perfectibility  of 
man  ?" 

"  Certainly — I  believe  that  if  the  Man  Machine 
was  only  freed  from  that  erroneous  system  of  edu- 
cation which  has  prevailed  for  the  last  six  thousand 
years — and  could  escape  the  influence  of  the  coun- 
teracting principles — he  would  almost  as  a  matter 
of  course,  become  a  perfect  Machine — as  perfect 
as  a  steam  engine." 

The  good  man  shook  his  head,  and  smiled  a  me- 
lancholy smile — 

"  So  then,  you  intend  to  put  up  with  this 
wrong,  and  refrain  not  only  from  claiming  your 
rights,  but  from  punishing  those  who  have  in- 
vaded them  ?"  , 

9* 


102 

:;  Certainly — I  hold  that  as  all  the  miseries,  in- 
consistencies, and  crimes  of  the  Man  Machine, 
proceed  from  the  errors  of  his  early  education, 
over  which  he  can  have  no  control,  it  follows  as  a 
matter  of  course,  that  he  ought  not  to  be  punished 
for  them.  He  can  no  more  help  them,  than  a  ma- 
chine constructed  upon  false  principles,  can  help 
going  wrong." 

"  And  you  seriously  believe  the  world  has  been 
going  wrong  ever  since  the  creation,  and  that  you 
are  destined  at  last  to  set  it  going  right." 

"  I  and  my  master." 

"  O  !  the  inordinate  pride  of  human  nature," 
quoth  the  old  man,  shaking  his  white  locks. 

"  Pooh ! — there  is  no  such  thing  as  human  nature, 
or  any  other  kind  of  nature.  Nature  is  nonsense 
— an  absurdity,  a  phantom,  conjured  up  by  folly 
and  prejudice.  Man,  sir,  is  a  machine — you  might 
as  well  talk  of  the  nature,  the  passions,  the  innate- 
impulses,  of  a  spinning  jenney,  as  of  a  man." 

"  Your  principles  go  to  the  complete  disorgani- 
zation of  the  present  system  of  society." 

"  To  be  sure  they  do — and  that  is  exactly  what 
I  conceive  constitutes  their  peculiar  excellence. 
The  whole  system  is  radically  wrong,  and  I  and  my 
master  mean  to  set  it  right  if  we  can  only  baffle 
those  scoundrels  the  counteracting  principles,  and 
evade  the  force  of  circumstances." 


105 

"  But  what  is  there  so  very  wrong  in  the  present 
system,  that  you  wish  to  overturn  it  ?" 

"  In  the  first  place — people  are  actually  taught 
crime,  and  then  punished  for  it  by  the  operation  of 
an  unjust  system  of  laws.  Now,  sir,  in  order  to 
remedy  these  crying  evils,  I  would  first  put  the 
judge  in  place  of  the  criminal  and  hang  him,  to  a 
certainty.  Then  I  would  abolish  the  whole  system 
of  punishments,  as  unjust  and  unnecessary — for 
nothing  can  be  plainer,  than  that  as  all  crimes  and 
errors  proceed  from  an  erroneous  system  of  educa- 
tion, it  is  idle  and  cruel  at  the  same  time,  to  make 
laws  for  their  punishment." 

"  Then — to  return  to  the  point — you  mean  to 
leave  these  people  in  possession  of  your  estate." 
"  I  must — or  abandon  my  system." 
"  Your  estate  is  worth  a  dozen  such  systems." 
"  For  shame,    sir — do  you  value  a  few  paltry 
acres  more  than  the  perfectibility  of  the  Man  Ma- 
chine.    I  never  saw  a  machine  so  completely  un- 
der the  influence  of  the  counteracting  principles, 
as  you  are." 

We  had  many  similar  conversations,  all  ending  in 
the  same  unsatisfactory  manner.  In  the  mean  time, 
my  honest  friend,  the  Celtic  Macnab,  was  quietly 
maturing  a  plan  to  arrest  in  the  most  effectual  man- 
ner, the  perfectibility  of  man,  so  far  as  it  depended 
upon  myself.  He  had  represented  me  to  the  pro- 
per authorities  as  a  mischievous  madman,  going 


104 

about  propagating  principles  that  struck  at  the 
whole  existing  institutions  of  society — an  enemy  to 
property,  order  and  religion.  He  further  stated 
that  I  was  totally  incapable  of  managing  my  estate, 
and  that  it  was  the  duty  of  the  commission  to  ap- 
point an  administrator  to  take  it  out  of  the  hands 
of  my  domestics,  who  had  possession,  and  were 
wasting  -it  as  fast  as  they  could. 

In  pursuance  of  this  information,  I  was  unex- 
pectedly taken  into  custody,  and  carried  before  a 
commission,  to  undergo  ah  examination.*  Mac- 
nab  stated  shortly  what  I  have  heretofore  detailed 
to  the  reader,  and  I  was  called  on  for  an  explana- 
tion of  the  motives  of  my  conduct.  I  detailed  in 
the  clearest  manner,  the  first  principles  of  the  New 
View  of  Society,  and  stated  the  grand  objects  my 
master  and  I  had  in  view,  in  thus  attempting  to 
overturn  the  whole  system  of  the  world.  I  never 
was  so  eloquent  before  or  since.  But  the  machines 
constituting  the  commission  of  inquiry  were  sadly 
out  of  order,  and  the  vile  counteracting  principles 
were  too  strong  for  my  arguments.  They  pro- 
nounced me  mad,  although  1  proved  to  them  that  a 
man  could  not  possibly  be  made  accountable  for 
his  opinions,  and  appointed  honest  Macnab  ad- 
ministrator to  my  estate. 

I  was  carried  to  a  neighbouring  city  and  placed 
in  a  lunatic  asyium.  I  made  no  resistance,  for  I 
was  satisfied  they  could  not  place  me  among  a  set 


105 

of  people  more  mad  than  those  I  had  just  left. 
Nay,  a  sudden  hope  dawned  upon  me,  that  I 
might  possibly  in  time  introduce  my  New  System 
of  Society  among  the  machines  of  the  asylum. 
Accordingly,  one  day  when  all  the  most  quiet  and 
manageable  among  us  were  amusing  ourselves  in 
the  enclosure  appointed  for  that  purpose,  I  took  an 
opportunity  of  laying  down  my  master's  first  prin- 
ciples. Contrary  to  my  expectations  there  was  a 
decided  opposition  to  the  principle  of  equality,  as 
well  as  that  of  a  community  of  goods. 

"  Shall  I,  who  am  Alexander  the  great,  sink  to  a 
level  with  Alexander  the  coppersmith  ?"  cried  one. 

"  Shall  I,  who  have  written  verses,  ten  thousand 
times  superior  to  Milton,  or  Homer,  twaddle  arm 
in  arm  through  Grub-street  with  Croly  and  Mrs. 
Hemans  ?"  cried  another. 

"  And  shall  I,  who  have  made  the  Apocalypse 
as  clear  as  noonday,  grovel  on  the  same  level 
with  the  expounder  of  a  Chinese  puzzle  ?"  exclaim- 
ed a  third. 

"  And  shall  I,  who  have  demonstrated  the  grand 
principle  of  perpetual  motion,  acknowledge  an 
equality  with  a  mere  inventor  of  steam  engines  V' 
roared  a  fourth. 

"  And  shall  I,  who  have  completed  a  canal  to 
connect  the  Icy  Sea  with  the  North  Pole,  degenerate 
into  an  equality  with  an  Irish  ditcher  ?"  roared 
a  fifth. 


106 

"And  shall  I,  who  have  invented  a  New  System 
of  Society,  to  supersede  law,  gospel,  crime  and 
punishment,  he  placed  on  the  same  shelf,  with 
such  fellows  as  Moses,  Solon,  Peter  the  Great,  Na- 
poleon Bonaparte,  and  Jeremy  Bentham  ?"  roared 
a  sixth. 

You  are  the  man  for  my  money,  thought  I.  I  will 
make  you  treasurer  of  the  Society,  which  I  have 
observed  is  always  the  favourite  office  of  great  re- 
formers and  philanthropists.  I  could  almost  have 
persuaded  myself  that  this  was  my  master  speaking, 
but  it  proved  to  be  a  poor  fellow,  who  in  the  sequel 
demonstrated  that  he  had  not  above  half  his  discre- 
tion. Before  I  could  proceed  to  enforce  my  doc- 
trines by  some  of  my  master's  best  arguments,  the 
counteracting  principles  began  to  play  away  finely. 
The  indignation  of  the  whole  party  fell  upon  me, 
whom  they  looked  upon  as  a  leveller,  a  democrat, 
a  radical,  who  wished  to  deprive  them  of  their  just 
claims  to  superiority. 

Alexander  the  Great  seized  Perpetual  Motion  by 
his  thin  spindle  leg,  with  which  he  proceeded  to 
serve  me  as  he  had  done  old  Clytus,  and  run  me 
through  with  his  javelin.  The  poet  thundered 
forth  an  anathema,  that  beat  that  of  Ernulphus,  or 
even  one  of  lord  Byron's  curses,  quite  hollow — the 
expounder  of  the  Apocalypse  pronounced  me  the 
beast  with  seven  heads  and  ten  horns — the  law- 
giver proceeded  to  a  breach  of  his  own  laws,  by 


107 

* 

knocking  me  on  the  head  with  a  corn-stalk — 
the  internal  improvement  man  threatened  to  make 
me  read  all  that  had  ever  been  written  on  the  sub- 
ject— and  the  champion  of  the  New  System,  for- 
feited all  claim  to  the  office  I  had  destined  for  him, 
by  seizing  me  by  the  collar,  and  demanding  whether 
I  dared  to  question  the  eternal  truth,  that  no  man 
was  justly  accountable  for  his  opinions. 

The  uproar  brought  out  the  keepers,  who  having 
traced  its  origin  in  the  promulgation  of  my  New 
System  of  Society,  immediately  placed  me  in  soli- 
tary confinement.  Here  I  had  full  leisure  to  re- 
flect, and  to  mature  my  plans  for  the  perfectibility 
of  mankind.  What  a  world  is  this,  thought  I,  and 
to  what  has  it  been  brought  by  the  erroneous  sys- 
tem of  the  last  six  thousand  years !  It  has  1  fear 
entirely  unfitted  mankind  for  any  thing  like  a  state 
of  perfectibility.  Neither  men  in  their  senses,  nor 
men  out  of  their  senses  are  willing  to  adopt  the 
New  System,  which  seems  like  the  unlucky  tailor's 
coat  that  fitted  nobody.  I  had  many  tight  .argu- 
ments with  the  keeper  who  had  me  in  charge,  and 
who  was  sadly  under  the  influence  of  the  counter- 
acting principles.  I  could  never  convince  him 
that  the  world  had  been  going  completely  wrong 
ever  since  the  creation,  that  all  mankind  were  in 
error,  and  my  master  alone  right.  He  insisted  the 
first  was  a  reflection  upon  Providence,  and  that  it 
was  entirely  contrary  to  reason  that  one  man  should 


108 

be  so  much  wiser  than  all  the  rest  put  together.  I 
have  indeed  observed  that  reason  is  always  in  the 
way  of  us  great  reformers,  and  have  often  heard 
my  master  say,  it  was  one  of  the  strongest  counter- 
acting principles  he  had  to  deal  with.  There  was 
another  obstacle  always  in  his  way,  which  he  call- 
ed a  "  circumstance,"  namely,  the  experience  of 
mankind,  which  my  master  swore,  was  the  most 
obstinate  blockhead  in  the  world. 

I  remained  in  this  state  of  solitary  abstraction 
for  about  a  month,  during  which  my  enthusiasm  in 
behalf  of  the  New  System  of  Society  somewhat  aba- 
ted. I  had  all  the  zeal  in  the  world,  but  had  no  am- 
bition to  become  a  martyr.  At  the  end  of  the  month, 
the  visitor,  a  benevolent  physician,  came  to  examine 
into  the  cases  of  these  unfortunate  beings.  He  visit- 
ed me,  and  we  had  a  long  conversation,  in  which  I 
?tudiously  abstained  from  the  doctrines  of  the  New 
System  of  Society.  I  considered  that  no  man  was 
bound  to  sacrifice  himself  to  a  theory  ;  and  that  at 
all  events,  I  could  do  nothing  to  propagate  the  per- 
fectibility of  man,  while  thus  shut  up  from  all  com- 
munion with  my  fellow  creatures.  It  was  impos- 
sible to  reform  society,  from  the  inside  of  a  mad- 
house. The  doctor  was  surprised  at  my  rationali- 
ty, and  seemed  inclined  to  report  me  as  being  per- 
fectly restored,  when,  unfortunately,  happening  to 
differ  with  him  in  some  point,  I  apologized,  by  ob- 
serving, that  no  man  was  accountable  for  his  opi- 
nions or  actions  in  this  world. 


109 

"Good  day,  my  friend,"  replied  the  doctor,  bow- 
ing almost  to  the  ground,  with  great  gravity — "  1 
am  afraid  you  are  not  quite  cured  yet,"  and  away 
he  went.  I  could  have  bit  off  my  tongue,  and  made 
a  solemn  resolution  not  to  say  a  single  syllable 
about  the  Man  Machine — the  perfectibility  of  man 
— the  counteracting  circumstances,  or  any  such 
matters,  the  next  time  the  doctor  came. 

At  the  end  of  a  month  the  visitor  came  again, 
and  I  conducted  myself  with  such  discretion  that 
he  immediately  procured  an  order  from  the  trus- 
tees of  the  asylum  for  my  release.  The  keeper,  as 
he  bade  me  farewell,  warned  me  against  perfecti- 
bility, and  I  was  very  near  being  shut  up  again  for 
cautioning  him  against  the  counteracting  principles. 
Without  losing  any  time  I  bent  my  steps  towards 
my  estate  with  a  design  of  bringing  the  Celtic  Mac- 
nab  to  a  reckoning,  for  procuring  me  to  be  shut  up 
in  a  mad-house.  When,  however,  I  came  to  recol- 
lect, that  all  the  errors,  inconsistencies,  vices  and 
crimes  of  the  Man  Machine  originated  in  his  being 
set  going  wrong  at  first  by  an  erroneous  system  of 
education,  and  that  he  could  not  in  strict  justice  be 
called  to  account  for  his  opinions  or  actions,  I  de- 
termined to  treat  him  in  the  most  friendly  man- 
ner. We  accordingly  had  an  amicable  meeting, 
in  which,  in  discussing  the  subject  of  the  New 
View  of  Society,  he  observed,  that  the  old  world 
was  not  the  proper  sphere  for  trying  the  experi- 
10 


110 

mcnt.  Old  habits,  old  errors,  and  old  establish- 
ments, were  difficult  to  change,  or  pull  down.  It 
was  in  the  wide  space  of  the  new  world,  where 
there  was  plenty  of  elbow-room  to  give  it  a  fair 
trial,  and  where  habits,  manners  and  opinions  had 
not  attained  to  that  rigidity  of  muscle  which  renders 
them  unalterable,  that  it  was  undoubtedly  destined 
the  experiment  should  completely  triumph.  He 
also  casually  mentioned  that  my  old  master,  had 
already  made  arrangements  for  the  grand  experi- 
ment, and  had  sailed  for  the  new  world. 

I  caught  at  the  idea — and  after  some  little  dis- 
cussion, such  was  my  impatience  to  follow  my  mas- 
ter, agreed  with  Macnab  to  leave  him  in  quiet  pos- 
session, for  a  sum  of  money  which  hardly  amounted 
to  two  years'  purchase.  It  was  a  good  estate, 
although  my  people,  yielding  to  the  force  of  the 
counteracting  principles,  had  dilapidated  it  sadly. 
Macnab  had  turned  them  all  out  except  the  old 
housekeeper,  who  still  maintained  her  rank  and  her 
authority.  I  know  not  what  became  of  the  rest, 
only  that  orator  Murdoch  took  a  trip  to  Botany  Bay, 
for  acting  too  largely  upon  my  master's  grand  prin- 
ciple of  a  community  of  goods.  I  went  to  bid  the 
good  old  parson  farewell. 

"  You  are  going  on  a  wild  goose  chase,"  said  he. 

"Yes — but  people  sometimes  catch  wild  geese." 

"  Much  oftener  than  perfectibility." 

"Aye — aye,"    said  I,  good  humouredly — "you 


Ill 

parsons  can't  bear  the  idea  of  perfectibility,  because 
it  would  put  down  your  calling." 

He  answered  my  smile — 

"Well,  go  thy  ways  for  an  odd  Man  Machine. 
Thou  wilt  one  day  discover  that  Providence  is  wiser 
than  thou  art — Farewell.  Tell  me  how  you  get 
on  in  the  new  world — when  your  community  be- 
comes quite  perfect,  send  for  me.  I  will  come  to 
show  you,  that  we  parsons  are  not  afraid  of  per- 
fectibility." 

As  I  was  going  away  he  called  me  back — 

"Stay,  friend  Perfectibility,"  said  he,  merrily. 
"  Thou  mayest  want  some  person  to  certify  for  thee 
in  the  new  world,  that  thou  art  not  quite  as  mad  as 
a  March  hare.  I  will  give  thee  a  letter  to  an  Ame- 
rican, formerly  a  fellow  student  of  mine  at  Edin- 
burgh, who  wiil  befriend  thee  if  necessary." 

He  then  sat  down,  and  in  a  few  minutes  finished 
a  letter,  which  he  gave  me,  directed  to  Mr.  Robert 
Ashley,  at  Bristol,  Pennsylvania. 

Full  of  anticipations,  I  went  down  to  a  neigh- 
bouring seaport,  and  embarked  for  the  new  world, 
where  I  arrived  after  a  short  passage  without  any 
accident  or  evetit  worth  recording.  During  the 
passage,  I  had  some  conversations  on  the  New  View 
of  Society,  with  an  old  sailor,  who  I  attempted  to 
bring  over  to  my  master's  theory.  At  last,  how- 
ever, he  cut  me  short  by  "D g  his  eyes  if  he 

believed  there  was  any  way  to  make  a  man  perfect, 
except  by  making  a  perfect  sailor  of  him." 


112 

J  here  was,  however,  a  fellow  passenger  on  board, 
who  I  found  to  be  more  reasonable,  and  less  under 
the  dominion  of  the  counteracting  principles.  We 
had  frequent  discussions  on  the  subject,  and  I  open- 
ed to  him  all  my  plans  without  reserve,  not  omitting 
the  sum  of  money  I  had  with  me,  to  invest  in  the 
perfect  community.  He  became  a  complete  con- 
vert to  the  New  View  of  Society,  and  we  agreed  to 
co-operate  zealously  in  the  great  work  of  perfecti- 
bility. We  went  to  live  at  the  same  lodgings., 
where  we  digested  a  plan  of  operations  for  the 
future.  The  second  day  after  landing,  he  came  to 
me,  to  say  that  by  a  great  piece  of  ill  luck,  the 
merchant  on  whom  he  had  a  credit  for  a  large  sum. 
was  out  of  town,  and  could  not  supply  him  with 
funds. 

"  But  I  should  not  have  minded  that  so  much," 
said  he,  "  except  that  another  merchant  to  whom  1 
am  indebted  in  part  of  this  money,  insists  on  my 
paying  him  immediately.  Now  all  I  want  is  for 
you  to  advance  me  the  sum,  till  the  day  after 
to-morrow,  when  the  person  on  whom  my  bills 
arc  drawn  will   be  in  town." 

He  offered  to  show  me  the  bills,  but  on  se- 
cond thoughts,  had  left  them  with  the  merchant's 
clerk.  The  sum  he  wanted  was  nearly  all  I  was 
worth  in  the  world,  but  I  lent  it  with  as  little 
hesitation  as  my  friend  borrowed  it.  He  then  left 
me  to  go  and  pay  the  debt  he  spoke  of,  desiring 


113 

me  to  have  dinner  ready  at  four  o'clock,  when 
he  would  certainly  be  back.  But  four  came, 
without  my  friend,  and  hour  after  hour  passed 
without  his  appearing.  The  dinner  grew  cold, 
for  I  had  no  inclination  to  eat — not  that  I  was 
uneasy  about  my  money,  but  my  friend.  I  was 
afraid  that  his  simplicity  had  been  imposed  on, 
or  that  like  me  he  might  have  been  mistaken  for 
a  mad-man,  and  put  in  a  lunatic  asylum.  A  week 
passed  away  without  my  seeing  him,  during  which 
time  the  remainder  of  my  money  had  disappeared 
also.  I  began  to  grow  uneasy — and  one  day  took 
a  solitary  walk,  in  the  environs  of  the  city,  to  re- 
flect on  my  situation,  and  ponder  on  the  mysteri- 
ous disappearance  of  my  friend.  What  was  my 
joy,  on  turning  round  a  short  corner,  to  meet  him 
face  to  face  when  I  least  expected.  I  was  re- 
joiced to  see  him,  but  I  cannot  say  that  he  ap- 
peared to  share  my  raptures. 

"  My  dear  Man  Machine,"  cried  I,  "  I  am  so 
delighted  to  meet  you  again — I  was  afraid  they 
had  put  you  in  a  mad-house,  for  believing  in  per- 
fectibility. By  the  way — I  have  spent  every  far- 
thing of  my  money  and  will  thank  you  to  let  me 
have  what  I  lent  you." 

"  What,  in  a  community  where  all  things  are  to 
be  in  common  ?  You  forget  the  New  View  of  So- 
ciety," said  lie,  with  a  sort  of  sneer  ijdid  not  like. 
10* 


114 

•;  \  es,  but  the  system  you  know  is  not  yet  in 
operation." 

"  No  matter,  the  principles  on  which  it  is  found- 
ed are  eternal  and  immutable,  sir.  If  a  communi- 
ty of  goods  is  right  in  one  case,  it  is  right  in  an- 
other.    Your  money  is  gone." 

"  You  don't  say  so,"  said  I,  in  great  dismay. 

"Gone,  sir — 1  have  considered  myself  as  acting 
up  to  the  sublime  principles  of  the  New  System,  by 
distributing  it  among  the  community,  upon  the  just 
basis  of  mutual  wants,  and  mutual  conveniences. 
The  tailor  has  some  of  it — the  jeweller — the  hat- 
ter— the  tavern  keeper — has  each  his  share — 
but  the  last  guineas  went  for  a  couple  of  dozen 
Bingham  wine,  which  would  do  your  heart  good 
even  to  smell  at.  You  shall  come  this  blessed  day, 
and  help  crack  a  bottle — hey  !  my  fine  piece  of 
perfectibility!" 

"  So  then,  you  have  spent  all  my  money?" 

"  Your  money  ?  my  dear  friend,  you  again  forget 
the  sublime  doctrines  of  the  New  System  of  Society* 
You  have  only  to  consider  each  of  these  persons 
who  have  received  a  share  of  your  money,  as  mem- 
bers of  our  community,  and  you  will  acknowledge 
lliat  it  could  not  possibly  belong  to  you." 

"  I  believe  you  are  a  great  rascal." 

"  My  dear  friend,  how  can  you  make  that  out  ?" 

"  You  have  cheated  me  of  my  money." 

"  My  good  friend,  you  are  certainly  under  the  do- 


115 

minion  of  the  counteracting  principles,  if  ever  a 
man  was  in  this  world.  But  suppose,  for  the  sake 
of  argument,  that  I  had  defrauded  you  of  your  mo- 
ney.    What  then — am  I  to  blame  ?" 

"  Who  else  in  the  name  of  common  sense  ?" 

"  Don't  mention  common  sense,  1  beseech  you — 
it  has  nothing  to  do  with  the  New  System  of  Socie- 
ty. We  must  try  the  question  by  our  great  mas- 
ter's first  principles." 

"  Agreed." 

"  Well  then,  can  you  deny  that  all  the  errors,  in- 
consistencies, and  crimes  of  the  Man  Machine,  for 
the  last  six  thousand  years,  may  be  traced  in  a  di- 
rect line  to  the  absurd  and  mischievous  system  of 
education  which  has  prevailed  all  that  time." 

"No." 

"Very  well — and  can  you  deny  the  immortal, 
and  immutable  truth  of  the  great  principle  of  per- 
fectibility, that  no  man  can  be  justly  held  responsi- 
ble for  his  opinions  or  his  actions  ?" 

"  I  do  not  deny  it." 

"Very  well ;  then  answer  me,  thou  ricketty,  ad- 
d!e-pated,  imperfect  machine,  whether,  even  suppo- 
sing I  had  actually  defrauded  you  of  your  money,  I 
am  to  be  blamed  for  it  ?  You  must  blame  the  erro- 
neous system  of  society,  and  if  you  punish  any 
body,  it  must  be  my  parents  who  did  not  take  suf- 
ficient care  to  put  down  the  rascally  counteracting 
principles." 


11G 

"  And  you  think  yourself  justified  on  these 
grounds  ?" 

"  Certainly,  certainly — besides,  it  was  my  opi- 
nion that  if  1  did  not  rid  you  of  your  money,  some- 
body else  would,  that  might  not  make  as  good  use  of 
it;  and  the  sublime  circumstance  of  self-love,  which 
you  know  is  the  basis  of  all  social  duties,  prompted 
me  to  give  the  preference  to  myself.  You  at  least 
cannot  blame  me  for  acting  up  to  first  principles." 

"  First  principles !  If  the  truth  were  known  these 
are  nothing  but  my  master's  great  enemies  the  coun- 
teracting principles." 

"They  are  the  principles  of  perfectibility." 

"  They  are  the  principles  of  the  d — 1,  who  it  is 
said  can  even  quote  scripture  to  his  purpose." 

"  My  dear  machine,  how  can  you,  a  perfect  man. 
talk  about  such  antiquated  stuff  as  the  scriptures. 
Don't  you  know  they  are  entirely  unnecessary  to 
the  perfect  state." 

"  I  don't  know,"  cried  I,  in  despair — "  I  know 
nothing,  I  believe." 

"There  now  you  may  pass  muster  in  your  mas- 
ter's great  community.  To  know  nothing  and  to 
be  conscious  of  it,  is  the  most  perfect  state  of 
the  Man  Machine."  Then  assuming  all  the  air  of 
a  mentor,  he  added, 

"  Look'e,  Mr.  Harmony,  I  will  give  you  a  piece 
of  advice,  which  if  you  follow  it,  will  be  worth 
more  than  all  your  money,  so  that  we  shall  be  quit 


117 

at  all  events.  The  next  time  you  meet  with  a 
stranger,  don't  attempt  making  him  a  convert  to 
principles  that  will  not  only  justify  his  borrowing 
your  money  without  ever  paying,  but  picking  your 
pocket  into  the  bargain."  So  saying,  he  marched 
off  at  a  long  trot,  and  presently  disappeared  in  the 
great  wilderness  of  houses. 

I  was  now  left  destitute  in  a  strange  land,  and 
what  was  most  provoking  of  all,  as  it  were,  by  the 
operation  of  my  master's  first  principles,  which, 
now  for  the  first  time  I  began  to  distrust  not  a 
little.  What  to  do  I  knew  not,  for  I  had  been 
so  used  to  be  told  every  day  what  to  do,  and  to 
do  every  day  the  same  thing,  that  I  was  a  perfect 
inanimate  machine,  so  far  as  respected  the  total 
absence  of  the  principle  of  self-government.  I 
stood  with  my  hands  in  my  breeches-pockets,  I 
dare  say  with  a  most  rueful  expression  of  face, 
when  suddenly  I  felt  the  letter  of  the  worthy  old 
parson  crumpled  between  my  fingers.  As  the 
last  resort,  I  determined  to  go  and  deliver  it  to 
Mr.  Ashley,  and  claim  his  good  offices.  He  lived 
a  considerable  distance  from  the  city,  but  being 
a  man  well  known,  I  soon  got  a  direction  to  his 
country  seat. 

In  the  morning,  T  was  about  getting  into  a  stage 
with  my  trunk,  when  the  master  of  the  house 
came  up  with  very  little  ceremony,  or  rather  none 
at    all,   and    presented    me    a  bill.     I   began    to 


118 

talk  about  the  first  principles,  the  community  of 
goods,  and  the  New  View  of  Society.  But  this 
was  one  of  the  most  intractable  machines  I  ever 
had  to  do  with.  He  told  me  his  first  principle 
was  to  get  his  money  if  he  could — his  second  to 
send  his  boarders  to  jail,  when  they  ran  in  debt 
without  being  able  to  pay.  These  sounded  to  me 
very  much  like  some  of  my  master's  old  enemies, 
the  counteracting  principles.  But  the  truth  is,  I 
began  to  be  so  confused  about  principles,  that  1 
could  hardly  tell  one  from  another.  Be  this  as 
it  may,  I  was  carried  to  prison,  when,  according  to 
one  of  my  master's  first  principles,  the  landlord, 
who  applied  for,  and  the  magistrate  who  granted 
the  commitment,  ought  to  have  been  put  there  in 
my  place.  Here  I  was  admitted  into  a  society 
which  came  nearer  to  my  master's  New  View,  than 
any  thing  I  ever  saw  before  or  since.  Here  all 
were  equal,  and  there  was  a  perfect  community 
of  goods,  each  man  borrowing  from  his  neigh- 
bour without  ever  thinking  of  payment.  They 
all  moreover  agreed  perfectly,  in  laying  the  blame 
of  all  the  evils  they  had  suffered,  and  all  the 
faults  they  had  committed,  to  the  errors  of  their 
education,  and  were  equally  unanimous,  in  de- 
claiming against  the  injustice  of  legal  punishments. 
I  verily  believe  there  was  not  one  of  them,  that 
would  not  have  come  most  heartily  into  my  mas- 
ter's idea  of  a  community  of  goods,   throughout 


119 

the  whole  world.  Indeed,  I  thought  our  commu- 
nity in  some  respects  preferable  to  that  of  my 
master,  seeing  we  had  nothing  to  do,  and  had  the 
best  possible  chance  for  perfectibility,  being  remo- 
ved from  the  temptations  of  this  world,  and  out  of 
the  reach  of  the  counteracting  principles.  We 
had  iron  bars,  and  double  doors  to  keep  the  villains 
out. 

Notwithstanding  some  symptoms  of  ennui,  which 
began  to  creep  over  me,  I  felt  myself  so  comforta- 
ble that  I  hardly  knew  whether  to  be  glad  or  sorry, 
when  one  day  a  gentleman  was  ushered  into  my 
room,  who  announced  himself  as  Mr.  Ashley. 

"  I  just  now,"  said  he,  "  received  a  letter  from  an 
old  friend  of  yours  and  mine,  who  says  he  gave  you 
one  to  me,  and  inquires  whether  I  have  seen  you. 
Being  in  town  upon  some  business,  I  thought  I 
would  look  you  out,  and  after  some  little  tracing, 
found  you,  where  I  am  very  sorry  to  see  you,  sir." 

"  I  have  nothing  to  reproach  myself  with,  and 
very  little  to  complain  of,"  said  I.  "  Our  society 
here  approaches  tolerably  near  to  the  New  View, 
and  the  men  come  as  near  to  the  state  of  perfect 
machines,  as  any  I  have  seen,  except  my  master  and 
myself." 

He  looked  at  me  with  a  mixture  of  pity  and 
wonder. 

"  I  am  glad  you  have  been  so  comfortable 
here.     But  at  all  events  I  hope  you  will  have  no 


J  20 

objection  to  go  home  with  me  for  a  little  time. 
1  have  paid  your  small  debt,  and  though  our 
society  may  not  be  quite  so  perfect  as  this,  1 
hope  you  will  be  able  to  tolerate  it." 

There  was  an  honest  freedom,  mingled  with 
hearty  kindness,  about  Mr.  Ashley,  that  won  my 
confidence,  and  after  some  little  struggle  with  my- 
self I  agreed  to  accompany  him  home.  His  esta- 
blishment was  large,  and  he  had  about  him  a  num- 
ber of  workmen  and  labourers.  But  I  regretted 
to  see  that  he  had  made  little  or  no  advance  in  the 
great  plan  of  perfectibility.  He  paid  no  regard  to 
the  system  of  perfect  equality,  except  so  far  as  the 
administration  of  justice  required,  and  the  grand 
principle  of  a  community  of  goods,  was  entirely 
banished.  Instead  of  treating  his  men  and  women 
like  machines,  he  actually  put  them  on  the  footing 
of  rational  beings,  accountable  for  their  actions, 
forgetting  entirely  that  these  proceeded  from  an 
erroneous  system  of  education,  over  which  they 
had  no  control  whatever.  He  laughed  at  the  idea 
of  entirely  banishing  idleness,  poverty  and  crime, 
and  of  course  the  necessity  of  punishment,  by 
means  of  any  system  ever  yet  invented.  As  to  the 
counteracting  principles,  he  went  so  far  as  to  say 
that  this  was  a  phrase  invented  by  my  master,  who 
by  giving  new  names  to  old  things,  had  sought  to 
screen  the  absurdity  of  his  new  system,  from  the 
eyes  of  the  ignorant. 


121 

Nevertheless,  Mr.  Ashley  was  a  shrewd,  clear- 
sighted man,  who  had  seen  much,  read  much,  and 
reflected  much  in  the  course  of  his  life.  Like  all 
the  well  educated  Americans,  I  have  seen,  he  had 
those  practical  notions  ofliberty,  that  are  essential 
to  its  existence,  and  which  only  the  habitual  enjoy- 
ment of  it  can  thoroughly  implant  in  the  mind. 
When  the  rational  inhabitants  of  the  new  world, 
speak  of  freedom  and  equality,  they  mean  no- 
thing more  than  the  privilege  of  making  their 
own  laws,  and  an  equality  of  civil  and  religious 
lights.  "  The  first  right  of  a  people,"  said  Mr. 
Ashley  to  me,  in  one  of  our  discussions — "  the  first 
right  of  a  people  is  that  of  making  their  own  laws — 
their  first  duty  is  to  obey  them.  They  and  the 
magistrates  who  administer  them,  are  the  only 
sovereigns."  This  is  a  sentiment,  I  may  say  a 
habit,  with  the  Americans  ;  and  I  often  have  had 
occasion  to  observe  that  one  of  the  last  things  they 
think  of,  is  resisting  laws  assented  to  by  their  own 
peculiar  legislature.  My  friend  and  I  had  lonf 
and  frequent  arguments,  upon  the  advantages  of' 
the  old  and  new  system,  for  though  he  was  my  be- 
nefactor, I  was  determined  not  to  give  up  to  him 
on  that  account. 

"  Your  master,  as  you  call  him,"  said  Mr.  Ash- 
ley to  me,  one  day  that  I  had  advanced  the  doctrine 
of  perfectibility — "  your  master  appears  to   con- 
11 


sider  all  the  vices  and  crimes  of  mankind  as 
proceeding  from  ignorance." 

"  Certainly,"  said  1,  "  they  are  the  necessary  and 
inevitable  consequences  of  ignorance,  as  my  master 
affirms." 

"  As  an  abstract  proposition  and  taken  in  its 
broadest  sense  it  is  probably  true.  Could  we  con- 
ceive the  idea  of  any  being,  but  Omnipotence  alone, 
gifted  with  perfect  knowledge,  that  being  would 
probably  be  free  from  all  vice.  Perfect  know- 
ledge presupposes  a  perfect  conviction  of  the  futi- 
lity of  indulging  the  passions,  except  to  the  extent 
in  which  they  are  essential  to  the  existence  of  the 
grand  system  of  the  universe.  Perfect  knowledge, 
or  wisdom,  would  know  that  inordinate  lust,  ava- 
rice, ambition,  gluttony,  selfishness,  envy,  malice, 
revenge,  and  all  those  passions  which  lead  to  the 
commission  of  crime,  were  in  fact  sources  of  mise- 
ry, repentance  and  despair.  It  would  therefore, 
having  this  perfect  conviction,  abstain  from  the 
criminal  indulgence  of  these  passions." 

"I  am  happy,"  said  I,  "that  you  are  a  convert 
to  one  of  my  master's  first  principles  at  least." 

"  In  its  abstract,  not  in  its  application.  I  consi- 
der it,  when  applied  to  man,  as  a  preposterous  ab- 
surdity." 

"As  how?" 

"  Because  it  can  never  apply  to  him  to  the  ex^- 


1% 


tent  necessary  to  your  first  principle.  It  must  be 
perfect  wisdom,  or  the  argument  falls  to  the  ground." 

"But  do  you  not  believe,  that  in  proportion  as 
\fe  lose  our  ignorance,  we  recede  from  vice  ?" 

"  Indeed,  1  do  not.  In  the  main,  I  do  believe  that 
the  acquisition  of  knowledge,  unless,"  said  Mr.  Ash- 
ley, smiling,  "it  meets  with  one  of  your  master's 
counteracting  principles,  is  favourable  to  virtue. 
But  he  must  be  little  acquainted  with  the  world,  as 
it  has  been,  and  as  it  is,  not  to  be  convinced,  that  in 
the  scale  of  virtue  there  is  little  difference  between 
knowledge  and  ignorance,  except  in  the  refinement 
with  which  the  one,  and  the  grossness  with  which 
the  other  indulges  its  vices.  Generally  speaking, 
ignorance  is  not  the  fault  of  mankind,  but  their 
misfortune.  It  would  therefore  impeach  the  justice 
of  Providence  to  suppose  they  were  the  worse  on 
that  account." 

"Here,  at  least,"  said  I,  eagerly,  "you  have  ad- 
mitted one  of  my  master's  first  principles.  You 
say  that  ignorance  is  generally  not  the  fault,  but 
the  misfortune  of  mankind.  Is  not  this  acknow- 
ledging what  my  master  affirms,  that,  as  no  man 
directs  his  early  education,  so  no  man  can  justly  be 
accountable  for  his  opinions  or  his  actions." 

"Indeed,  it  is  not.  What  I  find  fault  with  in 
your  master's  first  principles,  is,  that  though  they 
are,  a  great  many  of  them,  such  as  have  been  ad 


124 

mittcd  by  the  writers  on  morals  and  metaphysics, 
jet  until  now  they  were  never  carried  to  that  mis- 
chievous extent  of  practical  application,  which  1 
consider.the  defect,  I  might  almost  say,  the  wicked* 
ness  of  your  master's  system.  Consider  what  would 
be  the  result  of  the  application  of  your  principle 
of  non-accountability.  A  perfect  latitude  of  crime, 
and  a  complete  freedom  from  punishment — the  ab- 
sence of  all  restraints  of  conscience  or  law." 

"But  where  would  be  the  harm,  if  the  Man  Ma- 
chine was  perfect  ?" 

"  Neither  you  or  your  master  have  a  right  to  ask 
the  question  until  you  make  them  so." 

"But  you  will  admit  that  if  they  were  perfect, 
there  would  be  no  harm  in  it  ?" 

"Certainly — only  make  them  perfect,  and  I  will 
become  a  convert  to  the  New  System." 

"  Only  give  us  time,  and  you  will  see  it  all  come 
about.  All  that  is  necessary  is  to  get  rid  of  the  ras- 
cally counteracting  circumstances." 

"  O  certainly — there  I  agree  with  you  perfectly," 
said  Mr.  Ashley,  smiling.  "But  as  time  is,  you 
acknowledge,  necessary  to  make  man  perfect,  what 
is  to  become  of  society  in  the  mean  while,  when 
all  the  restraints  of  accountability  and  punishment 
are  thus  suspended  ?  It  will  fall  into  a  state  of  na- 
ture, if  there  ever  was  such  a  thing — a  perfect  anar- 
chy— -a  dissolution  will  take  place." 


125 

"  My  dear  friend,  that  is  just  what  we  want.  It 
we  could  only  dissolve  the  present  state  of  society, 
and  produce  a  perfect  chaos,  we  would  then  begin 
ah  avo,  as  my  master  says,  and  do  what  we  pleased 
afterwards  in  remodeling  it." 

"  But  to  return,"  continued  I,  "  to  the  insepara- 
ble connexion  between  vice  and  ignorance.  You 
don't  believe  in  it  ?" 

"Let  me  answer  you  by  another  question,  in 
our  yankee  fashion.  Which  are  most  free  from  vice, 
children  or  grown  people  ?" 

"  Why,  children,  to  be  sure." 

"  And  which  have  most  knowledge,  children  or 
men  ?" 

"  Why,  men,  to  be  sure." 

"  Then  how  can  ignorance  be  the  sole  cause  of 


vice 


tn 


Mr.  Ashley  seeing  me  rather  posed,  went  on. 

"  My  good  friend,  be  assured  the  great  error  of 
all  system  makers,  is  that  of  ascribing  to  one  cause, 
what  is  the  result  of  the  operation  of  many.  De- 
grees of  vice  are  not  to  be  measured  by  degrees  of 
ignorance — nor  does  the  mere  teaching  of  what  is 
right  furnish  any  absolute  guarantee  for  acting 
lightly.  There  are  a  thousand  temptations  assail- 
ing us,  from  which  all  the  knowledge  that  will  ever 
fall  to  the  lot  of  man,  can  be  but  an  inadequate 
defence  ?" 

11* 


126 

"  That  is  owing  to  the  intervention  of  the  rascal- 
ly counteracting  principles.1' 

"Call  them  what  you  will,"  said  Mr.  Ashley, 
"  names  do  not  alter  things,  nor  can  all  thy  master's 
jargon  about  principles  and  circumstances,  disguise 
the  passions  and  appetites  of  human  nature,  from 
those  who  are  not  governed  by  mere  words.  It  is 
indeed  a  happy  circumstance  that  the  morals  of 
mankind  do  not  depend  upon  the  understanding  of 
metaphysical  distinctions,  else  I  fear  there  would 
be  little  of  morality  in  this  world." 

"  Then,"  said  I,  after  a  pause,  "you  do  not  be- 
lieve in  the  influence  of  knowledge  at  all  ?" 

"  Pardon  me,"  said  he,  "  I  believe  it  has  great  in- 
fluence, and  that  to  know  our  duties,  is  essentially 
necessary  to  the  practice  of  them.  They  are,  to  a 
certain  extent,  indispensable  to  the  maintenance 
and  enjoyment  of  that  freedom  which  is  the  basis  of 
national  prosperity  and  happiness.  If  to  know 
what  is  right  is  essential  to  practice,  it  is  still  more 
essential  to  the  enjoyment  of  our  rights,  that  wc 
should  know  in  what  they  consist.  This  cannot  be 
known  without  education.  All  I  deny  is,  that 
human  knowledge  will  suflice  to  the  total  pre- 
vention of  crimes,  or  obviate  the  necessity  of  penal 
statutes  and  punishments." 

"  Punishments !"  said  I,  "  my  master  allows  of 
nothing  of  this  kind.  He  has  proved  that  punish- 
ment is  not  only  cruel,  but  entirely  ineffectual  in 
the  prevention  of  crime." 


127 

"  As  how  ?" 

"  Why  because,  notwithstanding  these  punish- 
ments, crimes  are  committed  every  day,"  said  I. 

"Ah!  that  is  your  master's  usual  mode  of  draw- 
ing conclusions.  Because  punishments  do  not  pre- 
vent crime  entirely,  he  concludes  that  they  are  of 
no  effect  whatever.  Because  they  don't  do  every 
thing,  it  follows  in  his  system  that  they  do  nothing. 
lie  sees  that  crimes  are  committed  in  spite  of  the 
punishment ;  but  only  Omniscience  can  see  how 
many  others  are  refrained  from,  in  the  apprehen- 
sion of  the  punishment  that  awaits  them.  In  good 
truth,  my,  friend,  of  all  thy  master's  absurdities, 
and  truly  they  are  manifold,  the  absurdity  of  dis- 
pensing with  punishments  altogether,  because  those 
already  denounced  are  insufficient  for  the  total  pre- 
vention of  crime,  is  the  greatest.  It  is  as  if  a  parent 
should  say  to  a  wayward  and  obstinate  child,  '  Go 
thy  ways,  and  do  as  thou  pleasest ;  1  find  ten  stripes 
will  not  prevent  thee  from  transgressing,  therefore  I 
will  not  increase  them  to  twenty,  but  let  thee  off  in 
future,  without  any  punishment  at  all.'  " 

"  But  my  master  relies  upon  the  force  of  habit, 
the  absence  of  temptation,  and  the  hope  of  reward," 
said  f. 

"  My  good  friend,  thy  master  relies  upon  insuffi- 
cient securities.  The  force  of  habit  is  strong  I 
allow,  but  where  is  thy  master's  surety  that  men 
will  not  adopt  bad  habits  as  well  as  good  .'" 


1'28 

"  The  absence  of  all  temptation  to  do  evil,"  re- 
plied I. 

"  My  friend,"  replied  Mr.  Ashley,  "  where  there 
are  temptations  to  do  good,  there  will  be  temp- 
tations to  do  evil.  They  are  coeval,  co-existent 
and  inseparable." 

"  But  we  are  to  have  neither  temptation  to  one 
or  the  other — temptation  is  to  be  banished  entirely." 

"  Then  what  becomes  of  the  hope  of  reward — 
is  not  that  a  temptation  to  do  good  ?  But  be  as- 
sured that  rewards  will  not  do  alone  in  this  world, 
without  the  aid  of  punishments.  You  may  pu- 
nish a  man  for  committing  a  crime,  but  it  would  be 
impossible  for  society  under  any  view,  new  or  old, 
to  reward  all  persons  for  abstaining  from  it.  But 
even  if  society  had  the  means,  how  is  it  to  arrive  at 
a  knowledge  of  the  degree  of  temptation  resisted, 
of  the  degree  of  virtuous  forbearance  exercised,  so 
as  to  proportion  the  reward  to  the  resistance  ?  It 
would  be  confounding  all  degrees  of  virtue  to  re- 
ward all  alike,  and  it  would  be  arrogating  to  our- 
selves the  Omniscience  of  the  Supreme  Being,  to 
pretend  to  discriminate  between  the  temptations 
and  forbearance  of  all  those  who  abstain  from  the 
commission  of  crime.  Solon,  one  of  the  wilest  of 
lawgivers,  ancient  or  modern,  has  said,  that  in  or- 
der to  make  men  virtuous,  you  must  allure  them  by 
rewards,  and  deter  them  by  punishments.  All  le- 
gislators have  proceeded  upon  these  principles.     Is 


-i 


129 

thy  master  wiser  than  the  wisest  of  all  ages  ?  To  me 
it  appears  that  his  system,  so  far  from  indicating 
superior  wisdom,  is  founded  in  a  total  practical  ig- 
norance of  man  ;  and  a  complete  misapplication  of 
(he  little  abstract  knowledge  he  possesses.'1 

"  Then  you  deny  that  the  hope  of  reward  ope- 
rates in  favour  of  virtue,"  said  I. 

"  Indeed,  not  I.  I  only  deny  that  it  is  sufficient  in 
itself  to  restrain  the  passions  of  mankind — I  find  fault 
only  with  thy  master  for  affirming  it  to  be  so.  A 
perfect  system  can  no  more  be  made  out  of  a  single 
principle  like  this,  than  a  perfect  man  could  be 
made  with  only  one  leg.  Thy  system  has  but  half 
a  leg  in  truth." 

Here  I  observed  that  I  thought  my  master  at  least 
sincere  and  disinterested,  in  his  plans  for  improving 
the  happiness  of  the  human  family,  and  that  how- 
ever he  might  be  led  astray  by  an  unlimited  appli- 
cation of  his  first  principles,  his  object  at  least 
should  shelter  him  from  ridicule. 

"Why,  I  don't  know,"  replied  Mr.  Ashley — "a 
good  intention  certainly  goes  far  to  sanction  a  rea- 
sonable degree  of  theoretical  absurdity.  But  when 
such  absurdities  strike  at-  the  root  of  the  whole 
frame  of  society,  and  in  their  operation  go  to  un- 
settle the  very  fundamental  principles  of  religion, 
morals  and  government,  the  author  of  them  be- 
comes Ferce  Natures — a  sort  of  common  enemy, 
whom  it  is  lawful  to  run  down,  either  by  reason  or 


130 

ridicule,  whichever  may  be  most  efficacious.  Now, 
my  good  friend,  I  believe  the  sage  Don  Quixote 
was  the  last  man  that  ever  seriously  undertook  to 
fight  with  a  windmill ;  except  it  may  be  that  I  am 
somewhat  liable  to  a  similar  imputation,  in  having 
seriously  attempted  to  battle  with  thy  master's  first 
principles.  To  oppose  fanaticism,  or  uncloak  hy- 
pocrisy, by  serious  argument,  is  a  hopeless  task,  be- 
cause the  former  neither  reasons,  nor  listens  to  rea- 
son, and  the  latter  is  always  too  interested  to  be- 
come a  convert.  I  do  not  doubt  thy  master's  since- 
rity, although  he  talks  a  little  too  much,  I  think, 
about  increase  of  profit,  pecuniary  gain,  and  such 
like  worldly  matters,  which  slip  out  occasionally ; 
but  whether  sincere  and  disinterested  or  not,  he  has 
no  right  to  demand,  or  you  either,  that  because  he 
is  serious,  others  must  of  necessity  be  serious  too. 
Goodness  of  intention,  like  charity,  covers  a  multi- 
tude of  sins — but  a  good  intention  can  only  be  known 
to  him  who  searches  all  hearts,  while  its  evil  conse- 
quences may  be  estimated  by  every  rational  being. 
It  would  be  making  error  perpetual  to  approach  it 
on  all  occasions  with  a  most  profound  and  reve- 
rential gravity.  Such  is  indeed  the  infirmity  of  our 
nature  that  what  is  often  impenetrable  to  reason, 
and  invincible  to  persecution  and  torture,  is  brush- 
ed away  by  the  light  feather  of  ridicule  in  a  single 
moment.  There  is  another  good  practical  reason 
for  using  this  weapon  in  cases  like  the  present. 


131 

Errors  and  mischievous  absurdities,  are  best  put 
down  by  the  good  sense  and  good  feeling  of  the 
people,  excited  and  awake  nedby  addresses  to  both. 
This  excitement  is  to  be  produced,  either  by  ver- 
bal arguments  or  by  printed  publications,  which 
last,  to  be  of  any  service,  must  be  read.  Now,  hun- 
dreds will  read  a  book  that  makes  them  laugh, 
where  one  will  read  a  book  that  only  makes  him 
wise.  I  never  expect  to  attack  thy  master's  first 
principles,  in  a  book,  but  I  claim  the  privilege  of 
laughing  at  them  when  I  please,  notwithstanding 
your  gravity.  I  hope  you  will  take  it  in  good  part, 
for  I  promise  you,  that  in  some  ages  and  countries, 
your  master  would  not  have  been  let  off  with  a 
laugh." 

These  arguments  were  renewed  almost  every 
day,  and  I  confess  that  each  one  contributed  in  some 
degree  to  unsettle  for  a  moment  my  faith  in  the 
New  View  of  Society.  But  though  weakened  I 
was  not  overcome,  and  I  exulted  from  time  to  time 
in  detecting  Mr.  Ashley  in  what  I  supposed  incon- 
sistencies and  contradictions. 

"  If  1  understand,"  said  I  one  day,  "  you  deny  my 
master's  first  principle,  that  any  character  may  be 
given  to  a  community,  or  to  the  world  at  large,  by 
means  which  are  in  the  power  and  at  the  command 
of  those  who  influence  human  affairs  ?" 

•  "  1  do,  as  usual,"  replied  Mr.  Ashley,  "to  the 
extent  to  which  he  carries  it," 


132 

"  Then  you  deny  the  influence  of  power,  wealth; 
talent,  superstition,  corporeal  strength — in  short, 
whatever  has  enabled  men  to  obtain  an  influence 
over  nations,  and  to  modify  their  systems  of  govern- 
ment ?" 

"  My  good  friend,  it  appears  to  me  the  pupils  of 
perfectibility  have  a  very  imperfect  mode  of  under- 
standing argument.  You,  for  example,  seem  to 
suppose  that  I  deny  every  thing  you  advance,  be- 
cause I  don't  assent  to  every  thing.  I  believe  if  I 
were  to  deny  that  this  was  a  bright  sunshiny  day, 
merely  because  it  rains,  you  would  take  me  up  as 
affirming  there  was  no  such  thing  as  sunshine  in  this 
world.  Here,  as  usual,  your  master's  proposition  is 
true  to  a  certain  extent ;  but  to  affirm  that  the  cha- 
racter of  a  community  entirely  depends  on  its  ru- 
lers, or  in  other  words,  'those  who  influence  hu- 
man affairs,'  is  running  into  an  extreme,  and  all  ex- 
tremes are  absurdities.  This  would  be  making 
man  a  machine  at  once,  to  be  set  in  motion  entirely 
at  the  will  or  caprice  of  another.  1  certainly  be- 
lieve in  the  very  weighty  influence  of  rulers  and 
lawgivers,  but  I  don't  believe  all  of  them  put  to- 
gether, could  make  the  native  of  Lapland  or  Kam- 
chatka, an  Italian  amateur  of  the  line  arts,  any 
more  than  I  believe  a  pig  could  be  brought  to  prefer 
wiping  his  nose  with  a  cambric  handkerchief  by 
the  influence  of  either  his  master's  precepts  or  ex- 
ample.    I  have  seen  a  learned  pig  it  is  true,  but  his 


133 

scholarship  originated  in  a  proper  distribution  oC 
rewards  and  punishments,  both  which  jour  master 
discards  from  his  new  system.  That  power,  wealth, 
virtue  and  genius,  give  certain  men  great  influence- 
in  the  formation  of  the  community  in  which  they 
live,  is  certain.  But  there  are  a  thousand  other '  cir- 
cumstances,' as  your  master  would  call  them,  either 
aiding  or  counteracting  this  influence,  and  modify- 
ing habits,  manners,  and  opinions.  Your  master  is 
only  wrong  here,  as  he  generally  is,  in  ascribing  all 
to  the  influence  of  man,  and  leaving  nothing  to  those 
more  powerful  instruments  wielded  by  Providence. 
He  appears  to  deal  in  none  but  secondary  causes." 

Proceeding  in  the  discussion  of  my  master's  first 
principles,  we  at  length  came  to  the  community  of 
goods,  the  perfect  equality,  and  the  great  axiom, 
that  nothing  was  necessary  to  supersede  the  whole 
complicated  system  of  education,  government  and 
religion  but  the  proper  understanding  of  the  great 
truth,  that  self-love  and  social  are  the  same.  In 
discussing  these  points  Mr.  Ashley  observed — 

"  That  the  object  of  my  master,  in  making  a  per- 
fect equality,  and  a  community  of  goods,  two  of  the 
fundamental  principles  of  his  system,  appeared  to 
be  that  of  withdrawing  from  his  Men  Machines  three 
of  the  great  sources  of  injustice  and  crime  among 
mankind,  to  wit,  ambition,  avarice  and  envy.  But 
the  idea  of  so  perfect  a  system  of  equality,  so  per- 
fect a  community  of  every  thing,  as  would  place 
12 


134 

people  out  of  the  reach  of  the  operation  of  these 
passions" — 

"Counteracting  principles,  if  you  please." 
"  Well,  counteracting  principles  then,"  said  Mr. 
.Ashley,  good  naturedly — "the  idea,  1  say,  is  absurd 
and  preposterous.  There  is  an  inequality  in  na- 
ture, if  nowhere  else,  which  is  beyond  the  control 
©f  systems  and  theories  ;  and  even  admitting  there 
Were  not,  unless  you  could  produce  a  perfect  equa- 
lity in  that  estimation  in  which  men  hold  the  good 
things  of  this  world,  it  would  be  impossible  to  pre- 
vent them  from  envying  some  one  or  other — from 
indulging  a  desire  to  appropriate  what  is  not  their 
©wn,  and  to  control  the  opinions  and  actions  of 
their  fellows.  In  short,  you  must  place  man  in  the 
grave  before  you  can  place  him  beyond  the  reach 
of  the  pass —  I  beg  pardon,  the  counteracting  prin- 
ciples. But  were  it  even  possible  to  introduce  antl 
sustain  for  any  length  of  time  so  perfect  an  equali- 
ty, as  that  all  should  be  precisely  on  a  footing  with 
regard  to  worldly  goods,  and  worldly  sources  of  en- 
joyment, I  fear  there  would  not  be  the  less  play  of 
the  little  and  malignant  passions.  Experience, 
which  is  a  surer  guide  than  the  vagaries  of  sanguine 
or  deluded  theorists,  has  convinced  me  that  it  is 
precisely  in  this  state  of  perfect  equality  that  these 
ignoble  passions  are  most  excited,  and  most  mis- 
chievously, for  the  happiness  of  the  community, 
My  observation  has  taught  me  that  those  who  ace 


135 

mr  above,  or  far  below,  or  far  distant  from  us  in 
any  respect,  are  seldom  the  objects  of  our  envy 
or  jealousy.  But  even  if  they  should  become  so, 
they  are  placed  beyond  the  reach  of  their  daily  ef- 
fects. It  is  among  our  equals,  and  companions, 
those  who  rival  us  in  our  favourite  pursuits — who 
cross  our  paths  in  the  attainment  of  what  we  most 
ardently  covet — who  share  with  or  deprive  us 
of  the  gratification  of  some  long  sought  good  or 
pleasure — it  is  towards  these  that  the  malignant 
passions  are  most  frequently  and  most  bitterly  ex- 
cited. People  so  circumstanced,  are  perpetually 
coming  into  conflict  with  each  other,  in  the  attain- 
ment, of  those  objects,  which  in  any  state  of  society  I 
have  ever  been  acquainted  with,  must  and  will  con- 
stitute our  most  powerful  excitements.  These 
petty  rivalries,  so  far  from  being  diminished,  only 
rage  the  more  venomously,  where  people  are  coop- 
ed up  in  a  small  space  and  crowded  together  under 
the  immediate  eye  of  the  dispenser  of  honours  and 
rewards.  Proximity  is  to  the  passions,  what  oil  is 
to  the  fire;  it  makes  them  rage  ten  times  more  fu- 
riously. They  will  be  found  to  operate  in  a  nar- 
row and  confined  sphere  much  more  actively,  inces- 
santly and  vehemently,  than  out  in  the  broad  space 
of  the  great  world,  where  there  is  such  a  vast  va- 
riety of  pursuits,  and  so  much  elbow-room  for  all, 
that  the  passions  seem  to  lose  their  force  and  ma- 
lignity by  expansion.     There  are  so  many  tempta- 


136 

iions,  and  interests,  each  pulling  a  different  way. 
and  each  in  turn  exercising  a  momentary  influence, 
that  the  mind  is  in  a  vast  many  cases  saved  from  the 
worst  of  all  tyrannies,  that  of  a  ruling  passion,  the 
source  of  most  of  the  crimes  and  excesses  that  blot 
the  history  of  the  human  race." 

Mr.  Ashley  was  no  better  pleased  with  my  mas- 
ter's great  principle, "  that  all  that  was  necessary 
to  the  perfection  of  society  was  self-love  properly 
understood." 

41  Like  all  the  rest  of  your  master's  principles," 
said  he,4'  it  is  alike  absurd  and  dangerous  in  its  ap- 
plication, by  being  carried  to  an  extreme.  Besides, 
it  is  refining  too  much.  Mankind  are  not  to  be 
governed  by  metaphysical  niceties,  and  it  is  espe- 
cially dangerous,  to  attempt  to  make  that  the  foun- 
dation of  all  virtue,  which  has  ever  been  consider- 
ed the  foundation  of  all  vice.  In  the  language  and 
perceptions  of  ordinary  people,  self-love,  is  syno- 
nymous with  the  total  absence  of  all  the  social  du- 
ties, and  the  danger  of  inculcating  it  as  the  basis  of 
social  happiness,  is,  that  you  may  persuade  them 
that  excessive  sensual  indulgences,  are  not  only  al- 
lowable, but  praise-worthy.  With  ordinary  minds, 
I  imagine  it  will  be  difficult  to  make  out  a  clear 
comprehension  of  the  difference  between  that  self- 
love  which  seeks  its  fruition  in  the  indulgence  of 
the  selfish  passions,  and  that  which  finds  it  in  admi- 
nistering to  the  happiness  of  others.     The  latter. 


137 

Tfie  ignorant,  at  least,  would  be  much  move  apt  to 
eall  self-denial,  rather  than  self-love ;  and  1  should 
have  been  much  better  pleased  with  your  master'^ 
system,  had  he  condescended  to  administer  to  their 
comprehension,  by  giving  it  a  name  they  can  under- 
stand." 

"  But  my  master's  system  is  addressed  to  the 
wise,  instead  of  the  ignorant.  There  will  be  no 
such  thing  as  ignorance  in  the  new  system  of  socie- 
ty.    We  are  all  to  be  philosophers." 

"What  !  a  community  of  philosophers  !  That  is 
but  another  name  for  bedlam.  And  philosophers 
loo,  passing  the  greater  portion  of  their  time  at  the 
spinning  jenney,  the  loom  and  the  steam  engine. 
The  school  of  Socrates  certainly  was  nothing  to 
this.     No  doubt  you  will  all  be  perfect  in  time." 

"  Aye,  sir,  perfect  Men  Machines." 

"  I  have  no  doubt  of  it,"  said  my  friend  dryly. 

"  But,"  said  I,  "  we  are  not  to  be  always  learning 
philosophy  and  metaphysics  at  the  spinning  jenney 
—wo  are  to  be  taught  all  the  moral  duties,  that  is  to 
say,  the  children — and  instructed  in  their  exercise  a* 
the  play  ground.  There,  under  the  superintendence 
ef  sage  mentors,  the  little  candidates  are  to  be  ini- 
tiated into  all  the  mysteries  of  the  proper  applica- 
tion- of  the  great  fundamental  principle  of  self- 
love." 

Mr.  Ashley  shook  his  head. 
'My  good  friend,  there  is  a  tirae  foB  all  tilings— 
t9P 


£1 


138 

a  lime  for  play  and  a  time  for  instruction.  If  you 
make  the  plays  of  children  a  medium  for  inculca- 
ting either  morals  or  knowledge,  they  cease  to  be 
recreations,  they  become  tasks,  and  the  whole  end 
and  object  of  plays,  to  wit,  relaxation  of  mind,  and 
wholesome  exercise  of  body,  is  lost.  You  may 
teach  children  to  forget  they  are  hungry  by  play — 
but  neither  philosophy  or  morals,  I  imagine,  are  to 
be  learned  at  children's  plays,  which  essentially 
consist,  and  in  fact  derive  their  principal  excite- 
merits,  from  the  strife  of  strength,  skill,  courage, 
swiftness  of  foot,  or  some  other  physical  qualities. 
Besides,  if  you  are  to  make  philosophers  by  play. 
it  is  essential  that  they  should  play  nearly  the 
whole  time,  and  then  what  becomes  of  the  spinning 
jenney  and  the  common  fund  ?" 

"  Then,"  replied  I,  in  great  vexation,  "  you  don't 
believe  in  one  single  one  of  my  master's  first  prin- 
ciples ?" 

"  Not  to  the  extent  to  which  he  carries  then 
operation.  Every  one  of  them  in  my  opinion,  arc 
practically  false." 

"  Nor  in  the  force  of '  circumstances  ?'  " 

"Certainly,  if  you  mean  the  temptations  of  this 

life." 

"  My  good  sir,  I  mean  no  such  nonsense." 

"  What  then  do  you  mean  ?" 

"  Why — the — the — force  of  circumstances — and 
1  suppose  you  deny  that  the  counteracting  princi- 
ples are  the  greatest  rascals  in  the  world  ?" 


139 

;c  If  you  mean  the  passions,  I  do  not  deny  it." 

"Pshaw!  I  beg  pardon,  but  you  talk  nonsense. 
There  is  no  such  thing  as  passions  in  my  master's 
New  View  of  Society." 

"  That  may  be,  but  this  don't  prove  they  have  no 
existence." 

"  You  believe,  in  short,  that  the  present  state  of 
society  cannot  be  improved  ?" 

"  There  you  go  again — because  1  don't  believe 
it  can  be  made  perfect,  you  make  me  say  it  cannot 
be  improved.  1  think  it  may  be  greatly  improved3 
but  not  by  such  reformers  as  your  master.  His  sys- 
tem may  increase  the  amount  of  productive  labour — 
it  may,  to  use  his  own  words,  produce  to  the  admi- 
nistrators of  a  community  of  this  kind,  'a  large  in- 
crease of  pecuniary  gain,  preserve  the  body  in  a  good 
working  condition,  and  enable  one  woman  to  do  the 
work  of  twenty."1*  If  this  is  perfectibility  then  you 
will   undoubtedly  be  perfect." 

These  arguments,  and  a  variety  of  others  Mr. 
Ashley  from  time  to  time  brought  forward  against 
my  master's  new  system,  I  confess  undermined  for 
a  time  my  firm  reliance  upon  its  practicability.  By- 
degrees,  I  abandoned  all  present  thoughts  of  joining 
the  new  association  of  which  I  saw  flaming  accounts 


*  See  New  View  of  Society,  for  similar  expressions, 


140 

in  the  public  papers,  and  begged  Mr.  Ashley  to  pro- 
cure me  some  employment. 

"  With  all  my  heart,"  said  he,  u  what  are  you  fi'V 
&r?  Can  you  plow?" 

"No,  sir — but  I  can  tend  a  spinning  jenncv." 

"  Can  you  mow  ?" 

"No." 

"  Thresh  ?" 

"  No." 

"  Plant  corn  ?" 

"No." 

"Make  cider?" 

"No." 

"  Have  you  learned  any  trade  ?" 

"  No — except  tending  a  spinning  jenncv.'-' 

"  Can  you  handle  an  axe  ?" 

"No." 

"A  spade?" 

"No." 

"  Do  you  know  when  to  plant,  when  to  gather  [\i 
ftarvest,  and  at  what  season  to  perform  the  different 
operations  of  rural  economy  ?" 

"  No — all  seasons  were  alike  with  us,  and  there 
was  a  time  not  for  all  things,  but  for  one  thing  only, 
watching  the  spinning  jenney.  But  I  dare  say  \ 
tjan  learn — try  me,  sir." 

Accordingly  I  went  into  the  fields  with  Mr.  Ash- 
ley, to  assist  in  some  light  labours  of  the  field,  but  J 
looadc  a  poor  hand  of  it.     One  day  be  set  r»c  to 


141 

driving  a  cart,  and  found  me  about  an  hour  after- 
wards, standing  before  the  wheel  watching  till  it 
•should  begin  to  go  round  like  a  spinning  jenney. 
From  time  to  time,  he  tried  me  at  other  occupa- 
tions, but  I  know  not  how  it  was,  I  could  never  get 
on,  for  want  of  the  inspiring  din,  and  clattering 
wheels  of  the  cotton  machinery,  and  was  either 
found  quite  becalmed  in  the  fields,  or  watching  the 
motion  of  a  water  wheel,  belonging  to  a  mill  upon 
the  estate.  At  length,  however,  Mr.  Ashley  hit 
upon  an  expedient,  that  partly  answered  the  pur- 
pose of  setting  my  machinery  going.  He  procured 
a  machine  called  in  America,  a  horse-fiddle,  which 
was  placed  on  a  pole  in  the  field  where  I  was  to  be 
employed.  So  long  as  that  went,  I  went ;  but  when 
the  weather  was  calm,  the  fiddle  stopt,  and  so  did  I. 
The  people  about  laughed  at  me  most  unmerciful- 
ly, but  I  was  delighted  with  the  experiment,  which 
demonstrated  entirely  to  my  satisfaction,  that  I  had 
become  a  perfect  Man  Machine.  In  fact  I  became 
more  than  ever  a  convert  to  my  master's  new  sys- 
tem, and  nothing  could  afterwards  shake  my  con- 
viction of  the  perfect  ease  with  which  the  perfecti- 
bility of  man  might  be  attained,  if  we  could  only 
get  rid  of  "  the  circumstances,"  and  their  confound- 
ed abettors  the  rascally  "  counteracting  principles. r 
But  not  even  the  consciousness  of  superiority, 
can  sustain  a  man  for  any  length  of  time  against  the 
ridicule  of  all  around  him.     I  began  to  be  tired  of 


142 

Mr.  Ashley,  and  he,  I  believe,  became  quite  tired 
of  me,  finding  I  was  proof  against  his  sophistry.  It 
one  day  chanced  to  fall  out,  that  I  came  across  the 
sublime  theory  of  the  Concentric  Spheres,  which 
struck  me  exceedingly.  I  determined  at  once  to 
leave  Mr.  Ashley,  and  as  I  had  become  convinced 
that  the  outside  crust  of  this  world  was  not  fitted 
for  my  master's  theory,  nor  my  master's  theory  for 
it,  decided  to  try  the  experiment,  and  see  what  the 
inside  would  do  for  us. 

"  Where  art  thou  going,  my  good  friend,"  said 
Mr.  Ashley. 

"  To  search  for  the  perfectibility  of  man,  among 
the  Concentric  Spheres." 

"  Right,  thou  wilt  find  them  together,  I'll  war- 
rant thee."     And  thus  we  parted.    The  rest  you 

KNOW. 


STORY 


SECOND  WISE  MAN  OF  GOTHAM. 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 


"  My  brother  Harmony,"  said  Mr.  Quominus,  the 
second  Wise  Man  of  Gotham,  "  has  fallen  a  sacri- 
fice to  the  perfectibility  of  man  ;  I,  on  the  contrary, 
am  a  martyr  to  the  Perfection  of  Reason.  I  was 
born  in  a  country,  where  they  have  sufficient  wis- 
dom to  make  their  own  laws,  but  not  quite  enough, 
as  it  would  seem,  to  understand  them  afterwards. 
In  order  to  remedy  this  singular  inconvenience, 
they  resorted  to  a  method  equally  singular,  and  ori- 
ginal. They  enlisted  the  wise  men  of  other  nations 
in  their  behalf;  and  justly  considering  that  it  was 
quite  a  sufficient  effort  of  human  wisdom  for  one 
country  to  make  its  own  laws,  they  determined  to 
resort  to  another  for  their  interpretation.  Accord- 
ingly, they  made  a  vast  number  of  laws,  believing 
they  could  not  have  too  much  of  a  good  thing,  and 
then  sent  beyond  sea  to  get  them  explained.  In  a 
couple  of  hundred  years,  these  explanations,  being 
all  carefully  recorded  in  books,  amounted  to  up- 
wards of  three  thousand  volumes,  of  goodly  size, 
containing  upon  an  average,  each,  one  hundred 
contradictory  interpretations  of  different  wise  men. 
Such  a  mass  of  wisdom,  and  such  a  variety  of  opi  ■ 
13 


146 

jaions,  supported  by  such  unanswerable  arguments, 
never  got  together  under  the  same  roof  in  this 
world.  Some  very  aged  persons,  who  had  lived 
long  enough  to  get  about  half  through  this  invalua- 
ble collection,  discovered  that  it  was  like  the  ser- 
mon that  suited  any  text,  and  the  text  that  suited 
any  sermon — for  every  man  could  find  in  it,  a  deci- 
sion, or  at  least,  an  opinion,  to  suit  his  purpose.  A 
system  so  supported  on  all  sides,  by  all  sorts  of  opi- 
nions, certainly  merited  the  honour  of  being  called 
a  science  ;  and  such  a  science,  as  certainly,  deserv- 
ed a  respectable  name.  It  was  accordingly  aptly 
denominated  the  perfection  of  reason,  because 
it  furnished  every  man,  however  different  his  opi- 
nions might  be.  with  reasons  in  support  of  them. 

In  addition  to  this  great  requisite  of  every  per- 
fect system,  namely,  that  it  should  suit  every  body 
— this  accumulation  of  contradictory  opinions,  it 
was  affirmed,  possessed  another  irresistible  claim  to 
the  dignified  appellation  it  had  obtained.  It  can- 
not be  denied,  said  the  admirers  of. this  science, 
that  although  the  laws  are  expressly  devised  to  set- 
tle such  disputes,  or  conflicting  claims,  as  might 
otherwise  occasion  a  resort  to  force,  still  it  is  never 
the  intention  of  a  wise  legislator,  that  people  should 
actually  appeal  to  them  for  this  purpose.  They 
are  merely  to  be  held  up  in  lerrorem.  or  rather  like 
buoys,  to  float  on  the  surface  of  society,  for  the  pur- 
pose of  warning  mankind  of  the  shoals  and  quick- 


14/ 

sands  below.  In  this  point  of  view,  then,  it  is  ap- 
parent, that  the  more  intricate  and  inconsistent  the 
laws,  and  the  more  various  and  contradictory  their 
interpretations,  the  greater  delay  and  expense 
there  will  be  found  in  settling  appeals  to  them,  and 
consequently  the  number  of  law-suits  be  greatly 
diminished.  Thus,  when  the  laws  become  perfectly 
unintelligible,  they  are  absolutely  perfect,  for  then 
nobody  in  their  senses  will  go  to  law,  and  the  sci- 
ence will  do  its  duty  after  the  manner  of  a  scare- 
crow, which  frightens  the  birds  from  the  corn, 
merely  by  flourishing  its  unintelligible  rattle.  Thus 
you  see,  that  no  other  name  than  that  of  the  per- 
fection of  reason,  could  possibly  have  suited  this 
excellent  science. 

In  addition  to  the  singular  happiness  of  being 
born  in  a  country,  governed  according  to  the  per- 
fection of  reason,  1  was  brought  up  under  an  uncle; 
(my  father  dying  when  1  was  quite  a  child,)  who 
adored  the  law,  and  might  be  said  never  to  have 
had  any  other  mistress.  He  was  a  bachelor,  of 
competent  estate,  but  rather  indifferent  education 
— he  was  better  fed  than  taught ;  and,  when  I  say 
he  could  read  and  write  and  cipher  a  little.  I  go  as 
far  as  strict  biographical  veracity  will  warrant.  He 
was  without  a  profession,  rich,  and  a  bachelor. 
Such  a  man  has  but  one  chance  for  happiness  in. 
this  world — he  must  get  unto  himself  a  hobby,  and. 
ride  away  as  if  the  sheriff  was  at  his  heels.     To 


148 

trace  a  man's  hobby  to  its  first  cause,  is  like  search- 
ing for  the  source  of  the  Niger.  Yet  I  think  I  can 
account  for  that  of  my  uncle.  He  had  gained  pos- 
session of  a  large  part  of  his  property,  by  a  law- 
suit,  and  ever  after  held  law  to  be  the  perfection  of 
reason,  while  the  honest  gentleman  who  lost  the 
estate,  held  it  in  utter  abhorrence.  The  suit  last- 
ed nineteen  years,  at  the  expiration  of  which,  there 
was  found  a  great  flaw  in  the  defendant's  title.  He 
had  no  more  money,  and  no  man  ever  successfully 
appealed  to  the  perfection  of  reason,  with  an  empty 
pocket. 

From  this  time,  it  was  his  great  delight  to  attend 
the  courts,  where,  as  he  used  to  affirm,  with  surpri- 
sing satisfaction,  they  sometimes  nearly  argued  his 
head  off  his  shoulders,  and  so  confounded  his  no- 
tions of  the  distinctions  between  right  and  wrong, 
that  he  could  hardly  tell  the  difference,  until  he 
went  home  and  looked  over  the  ten  command- 
ments. I  remember  the  delight  with  which  he 
related  a  case  he  had  read  in  some  book  of  reports, 
where  a  man  tried  on  a  confession  of  murder,  was 
acquitted  by  the  jury,  under  the  express  direction 
of  the  judge,  because  the  charge  set  forth  that  he 
committed  the  murder  outside,  whereas  it  appear- 
ed in  evidence  that  it  was  done  inside,  of  a  certain 
door.  Another  time,  he  fell  into  an  ecstasy  at  a 
decision  which  he  always  held  to  the  day  of  his 
death,  to  be  the  most  exquisite  specimen  of  nice 


149 

legal  distinction  he  had  ever  met  with  in  the  whole 
•aourse  of  his  life.  It  seems  a  fellow  had  been  caught 
with  a  bundle  of  counterfeit  notes,  which  the  indict- 
ment set  forth  was  found  in  his  right  breeches  pocket- 
when  it  appeared  in  evidence  it  was  taken  from  his 
left  breeches  pocket.    "  After  three  days  hard  argu- 
ment, the  court  decided,"  said  my  good  uncle,  rub- 
bing his  hands — "  they  decided  that  the  prosecutor 
had  mistaken  the  locus  in  po  or  the  hocus  in  quo" — 
my  uncle,  as  I  said  before,  was  no  scholar — "  and 
therefore  the  prisoner  must  be  acquitted."   Had  the 
law  never  done  any  thing  else,  but  make  this  distinc- 
tion between  a  man's  pockets,  it  would  in  his  opinion 
have  fully  merited  its  title  of  the  perfection  of  rea- 
son.    "  It  is  worth  while  to  go  a  thousand  leagues," 
would  he  say,  "to  find  out  how  little  the  actual 
commission   of   a  crime   has  to   do  with   the  real 
matter  of  fact,  in  the  eye  of  the  perfection  of  rea- 
son.    It  is  all  settled  by  the  hocus  in  quo — which  I 
suppose  is  what  we  call  hocus-pocus  in  English." 
Like   a    vast  many    ignorant   people,   he  mistook 
quibbling  subtilty  for  deep  reasoning — the  art  of 
confounding  with  that  of  enlightening  the  under- 
standing— incomprehensibility  for    clearness,    and 
perplexity  for  wisdom — forgetting,  or  rather,  never 
having  discovered,  that  true  wisdom  is  perfect  sim- 
plicity. 

The  good  gentleman,  however,  almost  exclusive- 
ly confined  his  idolatry  to  the  common  law.     He 
13* 


150 

considered  it  not  only  the  perfection  of  reason,  lm* 
the  wisdom  of  ages.  Nothing,  indeed,  could  equ?.I 
his  admiration  of  the  common  law,  except  his 
thorough  contempt  for  statute  and  civil  law.  If  he 
could  have  had  his  will,  he  would  have  outlawed 
the  statutes,  and  made  it  capital  to  read  Justinian. 
Mercy  upon  us  !  how  he  would  rail  at  Caius,  Ulpi- 
an,  Papinian,  Tribonian  and  the  rest  of  the  civil 
law  gentlemen,  whom  he  called  by  no  other  name 
than  pettifoggers  of  the  forum.  Not  that  he  knew, 
or  had  ever  read  a  word  of  either  of  these  writers. 
His  contempt  was  perfectly  gratuitous — it  was  the 
homage  of  ignorance  at  the  shrine  of  prejudice, 
Next  to  his  veneration  for  the  common  law,  was 
his  profound  respect  for  English  judges  confound- 
ing—  1  beg  pardon,  expounding  it.  Even  theircon- 
tradicting  themselves  every  day,  did  not  alter  his 
opinion  that  they  were  the  only  inspired  high 
priests  of  the  perfection  of  reason.  Towards  the 
judges  and  jurists  of  other  countries  he  looked  ra- 
ther askew,  believing  that  human  reason  never  at- 
tained to  any  tolerable  degree  of  perfection  out  of 
the  three  kingdoms,  and  that  a  French,  Italian. 
German,  or  Dutch  judge,  knew  no  more  about  ma- 
naging the  common  law,  than  they  did  about  box- 
ing, or  any  other  abstruse  science.  But  of  all  the 
judges,  past  or  present,  he,  like  most  ignorant  peo- 
ple, held  those  of  his  own  country  the  cheapest  for 
divers  reasons.     He  maintained  that  they  either  had 


151 

uo  opinions  of  their  own,  or  were  afraid  to  assert 
them.     That  they  were  in  fact  little  better  than  in- 
struments in  the  hands  of  subtle  lawyers,  or  mere 
echoes  of  the  decisions  of  others.     He  once  went 
so  far  as  to  swear,  he  could  teach  a  parrot  to  retail 
the  decisions  of  his  betters,  and  thus  make  a  capital 
judge  of  him,  for  his  gravity  would  pass  for  wisdom. 
So  far  indeed  did  he  carry  this  unjust  prejudice,  as 
to  declare  it  his  firm  conviction,  that  if  tiie  deve- 
lopement  of  their  organs,  was  examined  by  a  com- 
petent phrenologist,  nine  out  of  ten  would  be  found 
destitute  of  the  organ  of  judgment.     But  in  this,  I 
am  convinced,  notwithstanding  the  causes  I  have  to 
complain  of  the  perfection  of  reason,  the  good  gen- 
tleman carried  his  prejudices  beyond  all  reasonable 
bounds.     I  have  had,  as  you   will    perceive  in  the 
course  of  my  narrative,  pretty  sufficient   reason  for 
dissatisfaction  on  this  head.     But  notwithstanding 
I  am  free  to  bear  testimony  to  the  talents,  learning, 
and  uprightness  of  the  great  majority  of  the  judges 
of  my  native  country.     As  respects  the  administra- 
tion of  justice,  they  are  in  my  opinion,  as  able  and 
upright,  as  the  perfection  of  reason  will  permit  them 
to  be.     If  they  err  at  all.  I  am  inclined  to  think  it 
is  in    permitting  too  great  a  latitude  to  the  subtil- 
ties  and  sophistries  of  ingenious  pleaders  ;  and  in 
giving  undue  weight  to  ancient  precedents,  derived 
from  reasons   long  since  inapplicable  to  the  state 
of  our  manners,  habits   and  social  relations,     A 


152 

want  of  sufficient  confidence  in  their  own  opinions, 
appears  to  me  another  fault,  which;  however,  al- 
most deserves  to  be  pardoned  on  account  of  its  no- 
velty. It  has  happened  to  me  more  than  once,  to 
hear  a  judge  decide  upon  a  case,  on  the  ground  of 
some  recorded  decision  of  another  judge,  when  I 
myself  would  a  thousand  times  rather  have  trust- 
ed it  to  his  own  unbiassed  sen^e  of  right  and 
wrong.  It  seems  odd,  to  see  a  lawyer  teaching  a 
judge  his  lesson,  out  of  a  pile  of  books,  and  making 
him  who  is  there  as  a  master,  appear  more  like  a 
scholar,  learning  his  alphabet  from  some  beardless 
pedagogue. 

However  this  may  be.  im  uncle  had  a  most  vehe- 
ment and  perfect  veneration  for  the  common  law, 
and  for  English  judges  sitting  in  judgment  upon  it. 
and  from  time  to  time  pronouncing  it  to  be,  some- 
times flesh,  sometimes  fish,  and  sometimes  fowl. 
I  vertl)  think,  if  he  could  only  have  found  out  in 
what  impenetrable  labyrinth  the  common  law  was 
enshrined,  he  would  have  made  a  pilgrimage  to  the 
spot.  Indeed,  he  once  talked  very  seriously  of  go- 
ing to  England  only  to  see  the  chief  justice  of  the 
common  [leas  in  his  gown  and  wig.  But  he  was 
prevented  by  one  of  those  untoward  accidents, 
which  disconcert  the  great  schemes  of  life.  He 
died  before  he  could  come  to  a  determination. 
This,  however,  was  long  after  he  had  condemned 
me  to  study  the  perfection  of  reason.     He  decreed 


15S 

ihat  I  should  be  a  lawyer,  though  I  am  unalterably 
convinced,  that  both  nature  and  fate  intended  me 
only  for  a  client. 

I  was  accordingly  sent  into  the  country  to  live 
with  a  learned  jurist,  who  boarded  a  certain  number 
of  pupils,  to  whom  he  read  law  lectures  three  times 
a  week.  In  the  intervals,  we  dipt  into  the  works  of 
the  famous  writers  who  have  analyzed  and  laid 
down  the  great  principles  of  the  law.  We  knew 
nothing,  however,  and  learned  nothing  of  the  real 
mysteries  of  the  profession  ;  nor  did  I  discover  un- 
til after  long  experience  in  the  world,  that  the  theo- 
ry and  the  practice  of  the  law,  were  no  nearer  related 
to  each  other,  than  the  two  extremes  of  the  same 
earth.  They  were  the  antipodes  of  each  other. 
Here  in  the  retirement  of  a  country  mansion,  and 
apart  from  the  great  business  of  the  world,  which 
alone  furnishes  the  practical  application  and  infal- 
lible test  of  all  human  institutions,  I  revelled  in 
the  beautiful  theory  of  the  law.  Every  where  I 
read  the  most  loft)  and  eloquent  eulogiums  on  the 
science,  from  the  pens  of  the  greatest  names  ;  and 
ever)  where  I  saw  in  the  English  books,  the  high- 
est, most  unqualified  testimony  to  the  unequaled 
excellence  of  the  common  law,  above  all  others.  It 
was  the  aggregate  of  human  experience,  the  perfec- 
tion of  reason.  I  actually  fell  in  love  with  it,  and 
studied  with  an  amorous  enthusiasm  which  I  can 
hardly  believe  possible,  now  that  my  mistress  has 
jilted  nae  so  many  times. 


154 

At  the  end  of  three  .years,  I  was  sent  for  'to  m> 
worthy  uncle,  who  was  dangerously  ill.  I  found 
him  in  the  hands  of  a  physician,  who  had  himself 
invented  six  new  diseases,  and  of  course  must  have 
been  a  clever  fellow.  But  my  poor  uncle's  time 
was  fast  approaching — he  grew  worse  every  day, 
and  the  doctor  invented  a  new  name  for  every  new 
symptom  that  appeared.  Calling  me  one  morning 
to  his  bed  side,  he  expressed  his  affection  for  me, 
mul  said  he  had  left  me  all  lie  was  worth  in  the 
world.  "You  will  find  yourself  rich — but  remem- 
ber that  riches  make  themselves  wings,  and  fly 
away.  Remember  too,  that  the  only  way  to  re- 
strain their  flight,  is  by  a  proper  knowledge  of  the 
laws  whereby  vou  will  be  enabled  to  take  care  of 
your  weaith.  By  knowing  what  is  lawful  and  what 
is  not  lawful — by  applying  the  immutable  rules  of 
right  and  wrong  as  defined  by  the  laws — I  mean 
the  common  law — you  will  have  a  due  sense  of 
your  rights  and  duties,  and  thus  no  danger  can  be- 
fall you." 

Rising  upon  his  elbow,  he  continued,  with  an  en- 
thusiasm that  lent  new  light  to  the  dying  taper — 

""  Law  is  indeed  the  perfection  of  reason — there- 
fore it  must  necessarily  conform  to  the  purest  prin- 
ciples, and  inculcate  the  soundest  doctrines  of  mo- 
rality. It  is  therefore  the  great  worldly  monitor  to 
teach  us  what  is  due  to  ourselves  and  to  others.  It 
is  in  fact,  a  practical  commentary  upon  the  great 


155 

and  divine  precept,  '  that  we   should  do  to  others, 
what  we  would  they  should  do  unto  us.'     It  is  like- 
wise a  'rule  of  action,'  as  hath  been  truly  defined. 
It  must  therefore  be  founded  upon  immutable  prin- 
ciples.    It  is  intended   for  the   daily  use  and  go- 
vernment of  people  of  common  sense — therefore,  it 
must  of  necessity  be  so  plain  and  simple  in  its  pre- 
cepts, as  to   be  within   the  comprehension   of  the 
most   ordinary  understanding.      Dost   thou    reve- 
rence this  noble  science,  my  dear  nephew  ?" 
"I  do,"  replied  I,  bowing  reverentially. 
"  Dost  thou  believe  in  Holt.  Hale,  Somers,  Hard- 
wicke,    lord  Raymond,   chief  justice  Coke,   judge 
Buller,  lords  Mansfield, Thurlow,  Ellenborough  and 
all  the  English  judges  ?" 

"  In  every  mother's  son  of  them,"  said  I,  little 
wotting  that  I  had  pledged  myself  to  the  belief  of 
greater  contradictions,  than  I  could  digest  for  the 
rest  of  my  life. 

"And  in  the  common  law  ?"  quoth  he. 
"  I  believe  it  to  be  the  perfection  of  reason." 
"  Enough,  my  dear  son — now  take  my  last  ad- 
vice. Never  resort  to  any  tribunal  but  the  com- 
mon law,  if  you  are  aggrieved,  assaulted,  or  de- 
frauded. Esrhew  the  court  of  chancery,  as  clog- 
ged, impestered,  and  corrupted  by  an  infusion  of 
that  mischievous  quality  miscalled  equity,  which 
the  common  law  abhorreth.  Thou  hast  only  to  ap- 
peal to  the  common  law  for  redress — for  that  is  the 
perfection  of  reason." 


156 

w  It  is  the  perfection  of  justice,"  said  I. 
c:  I  affirm  it  with  my  latest  breath,"  said  my  good 
uncle,  and  expired  with  a  smile  of  triumph.  When 
the  doctor  arrived  he  discovered  symptoms  of  a  new 
symptom,  which  he  immediately  christened  by  a 
new  name.  There  was  a  swelling  under  the  tongue. 
tt  It  was  only  an  unnatural  expansion  of  the  orgaa 
of  common  law — did  he  examine  the  angle  of  con- 
structiveness,"  interrupted  Mr.  Le  Peigne,  the 
third  Wise  Man  of  Gotham. 

'*  Not  that  I  know  of,"  said  Mr.  Quominus. 
"  What  an   imperfect  machine  your  uncle  must 
have  been,"  said  the  Man  Machine,  "  not  to  know- 
that  in  the  perfect  state  of  society,  there  is  no  use 
for  either  law  or  gospel." 

••  Very  likely,11  replied  Mr.  Quominus,  "  but  he 
was  kind  to  me,  and  left  me  a  <^ood  estate.  I  am 
therefore  bound  not  to  hear  his  memory  insulted." 
"  No  intention  in  the  world,"  returned  the  other. 
"  but  as  you  made  free  with  the  old  gentleman 
yourself" — 

"That  may  be,"  quoth  Mr.  Quominus,  u but  I 
don't  like  other  people  to  take  the  same  liberties." 
He  then  proceeded  with  his  narrative. 
Finding  myself  in  possession  of  a  plentiful  estate. 
I  determined  not  to  enter  upon  the  practice  of  the 
law.  except  now  and  then  con  amore,  and  in  the 
meanwhile,  amuse  myself  with  such  recreations  as 
my  fortune  placed  in  my  power.     As  I  was  fond  oi 


157 

tiding,  I  bought  a  horse  of  a  famous  dealer,  fois 
which  I  paid  a  high  price,  being  verbally  assured 
that  he  had  an  amazing  number  of  good  qualities, 
and  no  faults.  In  a  day  or  two,  I  discovered  he 
was  broken-winded,  and  blind  of  an  eye ;  ol 
eourse  I  insisted  on  returning  the  horse  and  re- 
ceiving my  money  back  again,  on  the  ground  of  de- 
ception. The  jockey  refused,  alleging  that  neither 
loss  of  wind,  or  of  an  eye,  was  the  fault  of  the 
horse,  but  his  misfortune,  and  therefore  when  he 
denied  his  having  any  fault,  he  practised  no  de- 
ception whatever.  Moreover,  he  snapt  his  fingers 
at  me  in  defiance. 

This  was  in  my  opinion  a  proper  occasion  to  re- 
sort to  the  perfection  of  reason  for  redress.  I  ac- 
cordingly invoked  the  shade  of  my  uncle,  and  com- 
menced taking  my  first  practical  lesson  in  the  com- 
mon law,  by  bringing  a  suit  against  the  jockey.  I 
cannot  describe  my  feelings  on  this  first  occasion  of 
applying  to  the  grand  tribunal  of  human  reason — I 
looked  upon  myself,  as  now  exercising  the  highest 
privilege  that  could  possibly  fall  to  the  lot  of  hu- 
manity, and  entered  the  court  with  the  awe  of  a 
young  devotee  for  the  first  time  kneeling  at  the 
shrine  of  his  patron  saint.  Being  somewhat  addict- 
ed to  blushing,  which  our  lecturer  assured  us  was 
always  a  sign  of  a  bad  cause,  I  employed  on  this 
occasion,  a  lawyer,  who  was  seldom,  if  ever,  guilty 
14 


158 

of  that  legal  enormity.     The  jury  being  called  and 
sworn,  the  trial  commenced. 

I  proved  all  I  thought  necessary,  namelv,  that  I 
had  paid  the  full  price  of  a  good  horse,  and  got-one 
that  was  good  for  nothing.  I  was  satisfied  that  in 
the  eye  of  the  perfection  of  reason,  this  would  of 
course  be  deemed  a  case  of  deception,  if  not  fraud. 
But  1  was  mistaken  with  a  vengeance — the  perfec- 
tion of  reason  was  not  so  easily  satisfied.  1  was 
cross  questioned  for  three  quarters  of  an  hour,  byav 
fellow  that  had  the  throat  and  the  impudence  often 
brazen  trumpets,  until  1  began  to  doubt  whether  I 
had  actually  bought  a  horse,  or  a  cow.  I  fell  into 
a  horrible  perspiration.  As  the  trial  proceeded,  I 
found  this  was  not  by  any  means  so  clear  a  case  as 
I  imagined.  Common  sense  to  be  sure  would  have 
been  perfectly  satisfied  that  1  had  been  cheated  ; 
but  in  the  eye  of  common  law  and  the  perfection  of 
reason,  it  appeared  exquisitely  doubtful.  The  diffi- 
culty was  in  finding  out  whether  I  had  in  fact  re- 
ceived a  warrant)  for  the  horse.  My  lawyer  insist- 
ed that  paying  the  full  price  of  a  good  horse,  was 
presumptive  proof  of  warranty — no  man  in  his 
senses  would  wilfully  give  as  much  for  a  horse  he 
knew  to  be  bad,  as  for  a  good  one.  The  brazen 
trumpet  then  attempted  to  prove  me  out  of  my 
senses,  at  the  same  time  stoutly  maintaining  that 
by  the  perfection  of  reason,  every  man  had  a  right 
to  the  benefit  of  his  superior  knowledge  in  ma- 


159 

king  a  bargain.  He  has  a  right  too,  to  keep  se- 
cret every  fact  that  may  operate  to  his  disadvantage. 

"  Accusare  nemo  se  'debet  nisi  coram  deo,"  cried 
he,  "no  man  is  obliged  to  accuse  himself — or  his 
horse." 

u  Ignorantiu  facli  excusat^  exclaimed  my  cham- 
pion, "  my  client  was  ignorant  of  the  facts  of  blind- 
ness and  broken  wind." 

"  fgnorantia  non  excusat  legemf  brayed  he  of 
the  trumpet. 

"  Communis  error  facitjus."  retorted  my  lawyer. 
"Lord  Raymond  is  on  our  side,  in  addition  to 
whose  high  authority,  I  have  four  chief  justices,  one 
baron  in  eyre,  and  equity  besides  in  our  favour." 

"  A  fig  for  equity — common  law  has  nothing  to  do 
with  it,"  brayed  the  trumpet. 

'*  In  omnibus  quidem  maxime  tamen,  in  jure  Ae- 
quitas  est,"  exclaimed  our  side — "precedents  innu- 
merable in  our  favour." 

"  Pish ! — Judicandum  est  legibus  non  exemplis" 
quoth  trumpet — 

"Caius,  Ulpian,  Tribonian." 

"  St.  Thomas  Aquinas." 

"The  French  judges  on  our  side." 

"  The  English  judges  on  ours." 

"Do  unto  others  as  you  would  they  should  do 
unto  you." 

"  That's  not  law." 

"  No,  but  its  gospel." 


160 

£'  Th'c  opposite  counsel  must  be  hard  run  ior 
Jaw,  your  honours,  when  he  is  obliged  to  resort  to 
gospel." 

*"  0 nine  actum  ab  agent  is  intentione  est  Judican- 
dum,"  said  our  side. 

"  Caveat  Emptor  !"  answered  the  brazen 
trumpet. 

This  did  our  business — at  that  awful  annuncia- 
tion my  counsel  was  struck  dumb,  and  word  spake 
nevermore — the  judge  nodded  approbation — Ca- 
veat emptor  carried  the  day — the  jury  gave  a  ver- 
dict in  favour  of  the  jockey,  and  my  horse  being 
thus  legally  reinstated  in  the  possession  of  his  eye 
and  his  wind,  was  left  on  my  hands  as  an  excellent 
purchase. 

I  must  acknowledge  this  decision  a  little  un- 
dermined my  faith  in  the  common  law,  as  in  addi- 
tion to  a  bad  horse  on  my  hands,  I  had  a  bill  of  costs 
to  pay  besides.  However,  impressions  of  long 
growth  and  standing  are  not  worn  away  at  once. 
To  be  sure,  law  was  I  found  rather  an  expensive 
article.  But  after  all,  it  is  the  price  that  constitutes 
the  value  of  a  thing  in  the  common  estimation,  and 
it  is  doubtful  whether  the  ignorant  would  not  come- 
to  despise  the  law,  if  they  could  get  it  for  nothing. 
Upon  the  whole,  I  continued  to  cherish  a  profound 
devotion  for  the  perfection  of  reason. 

This  devotion  was,  however,  destined  to  receive 
another  shock,  in  consequence  of  a  very  trifling  af- 


161 

lair,  which,  however  cost  me  no  small  expense  and 
vexation.  It  happened  that  one  day  being  in  imme- 
diate want,  I  called  in  at  a  shop,  picked  out  a  pair 
of  ready  made  boots,  paid  for  them  the  full  price 
and  ordered  them  to  be  sent  home.  After  wearing 
them  a  day  or  two,  they  went  to  pieces,  the  leather 
and  workmanship  being  equally  bad.  Upon  the 
cobbler  absolutely  refusing  to  take  back  the  boots 
and  return  the  money,  or  make  any  other  satisfac- 
tion, I  again  resorted  to  the  great  tribunal  of  human 
reason.  I  was  certain  the  law  was  on  my  side  on 
this  occasion,  for  I  had  witnessed  not  long  before  a 
decision  on  a  case  which  I  believed  exactly  paral- 
lel, in  which  the  buyer  had  recovered.  I  employ- 
ed the  same  lawyer,  who  as  ill  luck  would  have  it, 
was  again  opposed  by  he  of  the  brazen  trumpet. 

To  make  all  sure,  the  boots  were  produced  in 
open  court,  and  admitted  on  ail  hands  to  be  utterly 
infamous.  Even  the  opposite  counsel  could  say 
nothing  in  their  behalf.  But  he  had  a  great  deal  to 
say  for  all  that.  He  produced  six  maxims  in  good 
law  latin  in  his  favour;  but  as  my  counsel  matched 
him  with  six  more  on  our  side,  that  account  was 
pretty  well  balanced.  We  then  quoted  opinions 
and  decisions  without  number,  showing  there  was 
always  an  implied  warranty  where  a  fair  price  was 
given  for  a  pair  of  boots.  The  opposite  side  deni- 
ed that  this  was  law,  and  to  it  they  went,  tooth  and 
nail;  marshalling  Grotius,  Wolf,  Puffendorf,  UJpian. 
14* 


162 

Papinian,  and  Tribonian,  Hale,  Holt,  Mansfield, 
Thurlow  and  Ellenborough,  against  each  other  \  for, 
however  strange  it  may  seem,  the  perfection  of  rea- 
son, is  precisely  what  the  most  reasonable  people 
differ  about  in  toto.  There  was  a  bloody  battle  of 
words  between  them,  and  all  about  a  pair  of  bad 
boots — that  nobody  denied  were  bad. 

"  'Tis  contrary  to  reason  that  a  man  should  pay 
for  what  is  worth  nothing,"  said  we. 

"  Reason  has  nothing  to  do  with  the  question." 
said  the  other. 

"Law  is  the  perfection  of  reason — and  the  per- 
fection of  reason  is  to  be  honest." 

"  I  appeal  to  the  court  if  that  is  law  ?" 

The  court  decided  it  was  not  law. 

"  'Tis  reason  and  philosophy.  Socrates,  says- 
that  the  principles  of  all  law  are  founded  in  phi- 
losophy." 

"Pooh  ! — Socrates  was  no  lawyer." 

"But  he  was  a  sage  of  antiquity." 

"  Yes,  but  he  was  not  a  sage  of  the  law — and  as 
for  antiquity — they  had  no  books  of  reports,  and 
how  should  they  know  any  thing  of  the  law  ?" 

"  But  for  all  that,"  said  my  counsel,  "  lord  Mans- 
field calls  Socrates  '  the  great  lawyer  of  antiquity.'  " 

"  The  d 1  he  does — I  beg  pardon  of  the  ho- 
nourable court — but  really  my  surprise — lord  Mans- 
field says  so — why.  then  there  is  something  in  it. 
He  was  a  sage  of  the  law.     I  submit  to  the  defini- 


163 

lion  of  Socrates,  and  my  learned  friend  is  welcome 
to  all  he  can  make  of  it.1' 

The  two  combatants,  each  in  his  turn,  read  a 
number  of  opinions  and  cases,  from  a  pile  of  books 
as  high  as  a  man's  head,  each  differing  from  the 
other  so  completely,  that  I  was  at  that  moment  se- 
riously inclined  to  compare  the  law  to  Hydra,  with 
its  hundred  heads,  each  uttering  a  different  lan- 
guage. What,  however,  surprised  me  most,  was. 
that  the  opinions  of  our  own  judges  seemed  to 
be  of  little  or  no  authority.  Whence  I  concluded 
that  human  reason  was  not  quite  so  perfect  here,  as 
in  England  and  elsewhere.  I  began  to  be  weary  of 
all  this  turmoil  about  my  boots,  and  fairly  wished 
them  in  the  Red  sea. 

"  May  it  please  the  court,"  said  I,  with  due  sub- 
mission, "  I  thought  I  came  here  to  be  judged  by  a 
court  and  jury  of  my  own  fellow  citizens  and  not  by 
Grotius,  Papinian,  or  my  lord  chief  justice  of  Eng- 
land, whom  1  don't  wish  to  trouble  about  such  a 
small  affair.  To  cut  the  matter  short,  if  the  coun- 
sel on  both  sides  will  say  no  more  about  it,  we  will 
put  the  law  quite  out  of  the  question  and  leave  it 
to  the  jury  to  say  whether  the  boots  were  bad  ov 
not." 

"  That  is  impossible,"  said  the  judge,  "  the  law 
must  take  its  course  now,  and  the  cause  be  decided 
secundum  artem.     Go  on,  gentlemen." 

"  Facilis  descensus,"  said  the  brazen  trumpet 
winking  at  my  counsel. 


164 

Away  Ihcy  tilted  again,  and  the  desperate  battle 
of  the  books  was  renewed  with  greater  vigour  than 
ever.  Common  law,  civil  law  and  statute  law  took 
the  field  in  the  armour  of  a  thousand  words,  and 
long  before  the  contest  ended,  neither  m\  self  or  the 
jury,  such  is  the  perfection  of  reason,  could  tell 
whit  was  law,  or  what  was  reason — or  whether 
there  were  any  sue!)  things  in  the  world.  Law 
maxims  flew  about  like  hail,  and  as  it  appeared  to 
me  quite  as  much  at  random,  for  I  confess  I  could 
not  make  out  the  application  of  some  of  them. 

'•  Velutus  pro  lege  semper  habetur^  said  the  bra- 
zen trumpet,  "it  has  always  been  the  custom  to  sell 
bad  boots  and  that  is  common  law." 

"  Quid  leges  sine  moribus  rancic  proficiunt  ?  What 
are  laws  without  morals,  as  Horace  says." 

"  Horace  was  a  jack  pudding — the  learned  coun- 
sel is  irrelevant." 

"  Ubijus  incerlum  ibi just  nullum — uncertain  law 
is  no  law." 

"  Tot  homines  quot  sententiae — every  man  has  a 
diiferent  opinion  of  his  own." 

"  Semel  mains  semper  praesumitiir  esse  malus — 
your  client  has  often  cheated  before." 

"Caveat  Emptor  !" 

I  began  to  tremble  and  so  did  my  counsel.  Ne- 
vertheless he  would  not  give  up  the  ghost — but 
faintly  rejoined  — 

"  /Icquitas  sequilur  legem."- 


X 


165 

;i  Caveat  Emptor  !" 

"  Actus  legis  nulli  facit  injuriam,"  said  we  still 
fainter  and  fainter. 

"  Caveat  Emptor  !" — brayed  the  trumpet,  with 
a  blast  that  carried  all  before  it.  My  counsel, 
after  gaining  a  little  breath,  said  he  committed  his 
cause  to  the  court  and  jury.  The  judge  then  ad- 
dressed the  jury,  as  nearly  as  I  can  recollect,  as 
follows : 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury, 

"  There  are  four  kinds  of  law,  the  civil  law,  the 
canon  law,  the  statute  law,  and  the  common  law. 
Three  of  these  are  decidedly  against  the  defendent, 
but  the  fourth,  which  is  the  perfection  of  reason, 
is  fortunately  for  him,  at  least  one  half  on  his  side. 
It  is  true  the  other  half  is  against  him,  but  of 
that  1  make  no  account  since  it  appears  sufficiently 
evident  from  the  authorities  produced  by  the  learn- 
ed counsel  for  the  defendent,  that  the  half  of  the 
law  which  is  against  him  does  not  apply  to  the  pre- 
sent case. 

"Gentlemen,  law  is  the  perfection  of  reason, 
and  of  course,  nothing  but  a  perfect  reason  can 
comprehend  it.  It  is,  therefore,  not  to  be  wonder- 
ed at,  that  there  should  be  so  many  different  opi- 
nions as  to  what  law  is.  It  is  also  a  rule  of  action 
— but  every  rule  has  its  exceptions,  and  in  some 
cases  the  exceptions  are  very  often  too  strong  for 
the   rule.     Law,  gentlemen,  I  speak  of  common 


1G6 

law,  is  also  the  wisdom  of  ages ;  but  as  might  rea- 
sonably be  inferred  from  experience,  the  wisdom  of 
one  age  being  the  folly  of  another,  and  the  wisdom 
of  different  nations  altogether  different  in  kind  and 
degree,  there  is  much  difficulty  in  defining  exactly 
what  is  the  wisdom  of  ages.  That  it  is  the  com- 
mon law  is  certain,  but  nobody  can  tell  exactly 
what  is  the  common  law.  It  is  best  defined,  as  the 
perfection  of  reason. 

"Nevertheless,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  there  is 
not  that  uncertainty  in  the  rules  of  the  common 
law,  that  might  be  inferred  from  these  observations. 
Various  judges  decide  in  various  ways,  and  upon 
various  grounds.  Sometimes  we  go  according  to 
Lord  Coke;  sometimes  according  to  Lord  Hard- 
wicke;  sometimes  according  to  Lord  Mansfield — 
sometimes  according  to  law — and  sometimes,  but 
very  rarely  according  to  our  own  conscience  and 
judgment  of  the  case  before  us.  Now.  in  this  case, 
gentlemen  of  the  jury,  conscience  has  nothing  to 
say — it  must  be  quiet,  and  refrain  from  interfering 
in  the  deliberations  of  the  court,  and  the  decision 
of  the  jury.  It  is  a  question  of  common  law — and 
not  of  justice  or  equity.  It  is  not  for  us  to  inquire 
whether  the  boots  were  bad  boots,  or  whether  in 
conscience  or  in  honesty  the  maker  ought  to  take 
them  back  again,  but  whether  the  great  maxim 
which  lies  at  the  root  of  the  common  law,  of  Caveat 
emptor,  applies  to  this  particular  case.     Gentlemen. 


167 

the  buyer  is  bound  to  beware  in  all  purchases,  and 
most  especially  in  purchasing  from  persons  of  bad 
character.  It  appears  by  the  testimony  of  credible 
persons,  that  the  defendant  is  notorious  for  selling 
bad  boots.  Now  if  a  person  will  deal  with  a 
tradesman  of  bad  character,  it  is  his  own  fault  if  he 
is  taken  in.  The  f.iult  in  the  eye  of  the  common 
law,  is  not  in  the  seller  for  being  a  rogue,  but  in  the 
buyer,  for  not  governing  himself  by  the  maxim  ca- 
veat emptor,  and  taking  care  of  himself  more  espe- 
cially on  this  particular  occasion. 

"But  we  will  admit  for  the  sake  of  argument, 
and  not  with  any  view  to  weaken  the  cause  of  the 
defendant  in  this  suit — that  he  is  a  man  of  fair  cha- 
racter. Still,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  this  would 
furnish  no  justification  to  the  plaintiff  in  disregard- 
ing the  great  maxim  of  Caveat  emptor,  since  the 
common  law,  which  is  the  perfection  of  reason, 
goes  upon  the  supposition,  that  every  man, whatever 
may  be  the  character  he  bears  in  society,  is  a  rogue 
in  grain,  and  therefore,  in  dealing  with  all  men  it 
is  necessary  to  bear  in  mind,  that  Caveat  emptor. 
Hence  it  is  absolutely  requisite,  that  in  all  pur- 
chases, the  buyer  should  procure  a  warranty  in  or- 
der to  guard  against  this  presumption  of  the  com- 
mon law.  If  he  neglect  this,  he  cannot  pretend  to 
recover  damages  for  any  fraud  or  deception,  except 
in  particular  cases. 

"  In  purchasing,'  for  instance,  a  pair  of  ill  made 


168 

boots,  the  whole  question  of  fraud  or  deceptiou 
turns  upon  the  fact  whether  the  shoemaker  took 
measure  of  him  for  that  particular  pair  of  boots  or 
not.  If  he  did,  the  common  law  holds,  that  this 
taking  measure  amounts  to  a  warranty,  and  the 
buyer  is  released  from  all  responsibility  to  Caveat 
emptor.  If,  on  the  contrary,  no  measure  was 
taken,  the  bootmaker  however  bad  may  be  his  boots, 
is  exonerated  from  all  blame  and  responsibility  in 
the  eye  of  the  common  law.  And  this  distinction, 
gentlemen  of  the  jury,  is  manifestly  founded  in  the 
perfection  of  reason,  and  the  wisdom  of  ages. 
The  mere  act  of  measuring  a  man  for  a  pair  of 
boots,  is  in  the  eye  of  the  common  law  in  the  nature 
of  a  covenant  with  warranty.  And  why? — a  shoe- 
maker's measure  is  either  of  parchment  or  paper — 
if  of  parchment  the  covenant  and  warranty  is  the 
Stronger.  Now,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  it  cannot 
be  necessary  to  apprise  you,  that  all  covenants  arc 
written  either  on  parchment  or  paper,  and  accord- 
ing to  the  reasoningof  the  common  law,  the  substance 
or  material  made  use  of  in  measuring  a  man  for  a  paiv 
of  boots,  being  the  same  with  that  used  in  all  cove- 
nants, it  follows,  from  analogy,  that  it  is  in  the  nature 
of  a  covenant  with  warranty.  This  is  one  ground, 
therefore,  on  which  the  law  makes  so  wide  a  dis- 
tinction between  being  measured  for  a  pair  of  boots, 
and  purchasing  the  boots  without  being  measured. 
Another  ground  of  distinction  is  this.     The  pre- 


169 

sumption  is,  that  when  a  man  buys  a  pair  of  ready- 
made  boots  of  bad  quality,  without  having  been 
measured  for  them,  that  these  boots  were  actually 
made  for  another  person,  or  at  least  not  expressly 
for  him.  The  intention,  therefore,  of  the  maker 
was  not  to  cheat  him,  but  some  other  purchaser. 
All  that  can  be  said  is,  that  a  bad  bargain  lay  in  his 
way  and  he  found  it.  There  was  no  intention  to 
defraud  him  especially,  and  therefore,  in  the  eye  of 
the  common  law,  no  fraud  was  practised  towards 
him  individually.  The  buyer  in  this  case  has  clear- 
ly no  right  to  redress  for  an  injury  not  originally 
intended  against  him,  but  someone  else.  It  is  like 
an  unintentional  blow,  which  it  is  not  lawful  for  him 
to  resent,  and  it  is  in  the  nature  of  a  sort  of  Quix- 
otic career,  to  undertake  resenting  wrongs,  or  re- 
dressing injuries  intended  for  other  people. 

"There  is  another  light,  gentlemen  of  the  jury, 
in  which  the  conduct  of  the  defendant  is  justified 
in  the  eye  of  the  perfection  of  reason.  It  is  held 
that  every  man  is  permitted  to  make  a  fair  use  of 
his  superior  sagacity  and  knowledge,  and  that  igno- 
rance is  no  ground  on  the  part  of  the  buyer  for  set- 
ting aside  a  covenant.  The  ignorant  indeed  are 
apt  in  the  extreme,  to  confound  this  exercise  of  su- 
perior sagacity  and  knowledge,  with  downright 
fraud  and  deception.  But  in  the  eye  of  the  com- 
mon law,  and  consequently  in  that  of  reason,  there 
is  a  wide  and  manifest  distinction  between  deceiving 
15 


170 

an  ignorant  man  by  superior  knowledge,  and  de- 
ceiving him  wilfully. 

"  Knowledge,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  is  a  quality 
of  which  a  man  cannot  divest  himself  at  pleasure. 
It  is  impossible  for  a  wise  man  to  be  ignorant — or 
to  refrain  from  making  use  of  his  wisdom.  If  then 
by  an  involuntary  exercise  of  his  knowledge  of 
facts,  of  value,  of  defect,  or  of  quality  in  an  arti- 
cle, he  deceives  one  ignorant  of  all  these,  and  makes 
a  good  bargain  out  of  hi  n,  in  the  eye  of  the  com- 
mon law,  which  is  the  perfection  of  reason,  this  is 
but  the  natural  and  inevitable  consequence  of  the 
eternal  and  irreversible  distinction  between  know- 
ledge and  ignorance.  As  well  might  you  expect 
the  stronger  animal  to  yield  to  the  weaker  in  a 
contest  of  strength,  as  knowledge  to  yield  to  igno- 
rance in  a  contest  of  bargaining.  The  more  know- 
ing man  therefore  does  not  deceive  the  other  wil- 
fully, which  constitutes  the  essence  of  every  of- 
fence, but  simply  because  he  cannot  help  it  if  he 
would.  Physicians  are  punished  for  being  flagrantly 
ignorant  of  their  profession,  and  people  that  choose 
to  make  bargains  without  knowing  any  thing  about 
it,  must  take  the  consequences. 

"  The  law  in  this  case,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  is, 
that  the  plaintiff,  not  being  measured  for  his  boots, 
there  is  no  implied  warranty.  The  defendant  is 
therefore  to  be  considered  as  having  merely  made 
a  legal  use  of  his  superior  knowledge  of  boots,  and 


171 

the  complaint  of  the  plaintiff  must  be  dismissed 
with  costs.  You  will  find  this  laid  down  distinctly 
in  Twigg  vs.  Twist — and  innumerable  other  cases. 
The  principle  may  in  fact  be  said  to  be  settled  on 
the  immutable  basis  of  common  law,  common  sense 
and  common  justice." 

The  jury  were  so  convinced  of  the  soundness  of 
these  principles,  that  they  gave  a  verdict  against 
me  without  leaving  the  court.  One  of  them,  it  is 
true,  made  me  an  apology  afterwards.  "  We  were 
convinced  you  had  been  cheated  abominably — but 
the  law  was  against  you,  and  what  could  we  do,  my 
good  friend  ?"  1  don't  know,  not  1,  replied  I, 
hardly  knowing  what  I  said,  for  to  confess  the  truth. 
I  began  to  be  strangely  bewildered  in  the  fathom- 
less profundity  of  the  perfection  of  reason.  It  was 
three  days,  before  I  got  rid  of  a  strange  buzzing  in 
my  head,  and  came  to  any  tolerable  perception  of 
the  distinction  between  right  and  wrong.  Indeed, 
1  am  free  to  confess,  that  this  argument  of  the  judge, 
has  ever  since  strangely  confused  me,  so  that  to  this 
day,  I  am  apt  to  mistake  the  voice  of  the  law,  for 
the  whisperings  of  conscience  ;  and  to  confound  the 
latitude  allowed  by  the  former,  with  the  restrictive 
morality  of  the  latter.  The  continuation  of  my 
story  will  furnish  more  than  one  example  of  this. 

This  last  decision  in  the  matter  of  the  boots, 
made  me  for  sometime  rather  shy  of  the  perfection 
of  reason,  and  I  came  to  a  resolution,  like  some 


172 

quarrelsome  persons  who  get  winged  once  or  twice 
in  a  duel,  never  to  go  to  law  again,  except  on  the 
defensive.  But  it  was  not  long  before  my  habitual 
confidence  in  the  common  law,  together  with  the 
last  advice  of  my  good  uncle,  again  made  me  the 
victim  of  Caveat  emptor. 

U  happened  about  this  time  that  an  agricultural 
society  was  instituted  among  us,  and  I  became  a 
member,  having  a  landed  estate  in  the  neighbour- 
hood. In  order  to  prove  myself  worthy  of  my  sta- 
tion, I  went  largely  into  the  improvement  of  the 
breed  of  horses,  and  purchased  several  fine  ones  from 
time  to  time.  One  day  a  fellow  brought  me  a  most 
beautiful  animal,  which  he  presented  to  me  as  a 
full  blooded  horse,  with  a  pedigree  equal  to  a  first 
rate  legitimate  monarch.  After  a  good  deal  of 
chaffering,  I  purchased  him  at  a  great  price,  and 
the  exhibition  of  the  society  happening  the  next 
morning,  presented  the  animal,  in  the  full  expecta- 
tion of  bearing  off  the  prize  for  the  best  horse  in 
the  county.  You  may  guess  my  astonishment  and 
mortification,  when  the  committee  of  investigation 
solemnly  decided  that  my  horse  was  a  mare.  They 
all  burst  into  a  roar  of  laughter — the  story  circula- 
ted through  the  fair  with  prodigious  rapidity,  and 
there  was  a  universal  giggle  that  shook  the  very 
firmament.  I  was  quizzed  to  death,  and  to  this  day 
the  story  is  regularly  told  at  the  anniversary  dinner 
of  our  society.     I  was  mortified  to  the  bone,  and 


173 

determined  on  once  more  appealing  to  the  per- 
fection of  reason,  in  spite  of  Caveat  emptor,  of 
whom  by  this  time  I  began  to  stand  in  great  awe. 
A  fraud  so  open  and  palpable,  I  was  assured 
could  not  be  sheltered  even  behind  his  sevenfold 
shield.  I  could  not  rest  a  moment  till  I  had 
brought  this  rogue  to  condign  punishment — which 
was  very  unfortunate,  for  under  various  pre- 
tences, he  managed  to  keep  off  the  suit  for  two 
years — so  that  I  lost  two  years  sleep,  in  addition  to 
being  the  laughing  stock  of  the  society.  But  for 
all  this  there  is  no  doubt  that  the  maxim,  dila- 
tiones  in  lege  sunt  odiosae — is  as  true  as  the  gospel. 
My  uncle  believed  it,  and  so  did  I.  But  time 
brings  all  things  about  at  last.  Time  gives  and 
time  takes  away — -time  strengthens,  time  weakens — 
time  builds  up,  and  time  pulls  down — time  brings 
us  into  the  world  and  time  takes  us  out  of  it — time 
in  fact  does  every  thing — it  can  even  put  an  end  to 
a  lawsuit. 

My  uncle  used  to  dwell  with  rapture  on  the  sub- 
lime gravity  of  the  law,  and  of  those  by  whom  it 
was  administered.  But  I  am  bold  to  say  that  on 
this  occasion,  there  was  not  much  to  be  said  in  fa- 
vour of  either.  However,  as  usual,  I  proved  the 
sex  of  the  animal,  and  the  fact  of  her  being  im- 
posed on  me  for  a  horse.  This  seemed  all  that 
was  material  to  a  decision  of  the  case,  and  T  re- 
mained a  few  moments  quietly  expecting  a  charge 
15* 


174 

ii-OQi  the  judge  to  the  jury  denouncing  most  exem- 
plary damages  for  the  injury  done  to  my  character 
and  feelings,  as  well  as  a  restitution  of  the  purchase 
money.  So  sure  was  I  of  the  justice  of  my  cause 
that  I  had  not  employed  any  counsel.  This  was  a 
great  oversight,  since  experience  has  taught  me 
that  justice  is  blind,  and  of  course  requires  a  law- 
yer to  direct  her.  By  this  omission  of  mine,  she 
fell  into  the  hands  of  the  opposite  counsel,  who  led 
her  astray  entirely  from  my  interests.  His  address 
to  the  jury  was,  as  nearly  as  I  can  recollect,  as  fol- 
lows : 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury  :  The  plaintiff  in  this 
suit,  relying,  it  would  seem,  on  the  justice  of  his 
cause,  has  omitted  to  employ  counsel,  and  thereby 
set  a  most  mischievous  example  to  the  world.  He 
has  in  effect  committed  a  fraud,  by  withholding  from 
some  worthy  member  of  the  profession  the  fee  to 
which  his  labours  in  the  acquirement  of  legal  know- 
ledge have  justly  entitled  him.  Gentlemen,  you 
are  bound  to  discourage  this  dangerous  example. 
by  an  exemplary  verdict,  ff  it  be  only  on  theground, 
that  should  it  become  general,  you  will  in  future  be 
deprived  of  the  benefits  of  legal  disquisition,  and 
left  as  it  were  alone  in  the  wilderness  of  the  law 
with  no  other  guides  to  a  just  decision,  but  the  fee- 
ble and  uncertain  lights  of  reason  and  conscience. 

''Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  case  on  which  yoa 
are  now  to  decide,  is  one  of  extreme  intricacy,  al- 


175 

though  to  the  eyes  of  superficial  persons,  it  may  ap' 
pear  as  clear  as  the  sun.     Indeed  it  is  a  common 
and  fatal  error,  to  suppose   that  justice,  law,  and 
equity,  can  possibly  be  apparent  to  reason  and  con- 
science at  the  first  glance.     Justice,  gentlemen,  is 
represented  as  blind,  and  for  what  reason  ?  To  in- 
dicate that  she  cannot  see,  except  through  the  ma- 
gic spectacles  of  the  law,  upon  the  noses  of  the 
learned  counsel.     Law,  gentlemen,  is  represented 
as  a  bottomless  pit,  and   why  ?  To  indicate  meta- 
phorically, that  profound  depth  and  obscurity  which 
baffles    the   visual    organs    of   uninspired    people. 
Common  law,  gentlemen,  what  is  it?  It  is  the  sub- 
lime of  incomprehensibility — it  is  the  philosopher's 
stone,  which  has  baffled  the  wisdom  and  researches' 
of  ages — it  is  nothing,  it  is  every  thing — it  is  here, 
there,  every  where,  and  nowhere.     Sometimes  it  is 
the  conscience  of  the  judge,  and  sometimes  of  the 
jury — sometimes  it  is  the  voice  of  the  dead,  and 
sometimes  of  the  living— it  comes  from  the  mould- 
ering tomb,  and  from  the  judges'  bench — it  is  some- 
limes  in  the  head  and  sometimes  in  the  heart — in 
short,  it  is  an  ethereal  essence,  eluding  the  senses, 
and  sporting  before  the  imagination — a  mysterious, 
inexplicable,  indefinable  and  invisible  guide,  that 
takes  us  by  a  hand  which  we  cannot  feel,  leads  us 
by  a  light  which  we  cannot  see,  to  a  consummation 
utterly  incomprehensible  !   I  beg  pardon  for  this  di- 
gression, gentlemen  of  the  jury,  to  which  1  have 


176 

been  tempted,  by  my  veneration  for  the  most  sub 
lime  and  mysterious  of  all  sciences,  and  my  desire 
of  warning  you  against  indulging  the  common  vani- 
ty of  supposing  that  the  case  is  perfectly  clear  be- 
cause it  appears  so  to  you.  I  trust,  if  you  will  ho- 
nour me  with  a  portion  of  your  serious  attention,  i 
shall  ere  long  convince  you,  that  it  is  one  of  the 
most  difficult  and  complicated  cases  on  which  the 
wit  of  man  was  ever  called  upon  to  decide.  It  is 
the  error  of  ignorance  to  make  up  its  mind  quickly — 
it  is  the  province  of  learning  to  preserve  the  judg- 
ment in  that  salutary  equilibrium  of  doubt  and  un- 
certainty, which  keeps  us  from  deciding  at  all,  for 
fear  of  deciding  wrong. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  question  does  not 
turn  upon  a  mare  or  a  horse,  nor  upon  the  fact  of 
the  animal  being  purchased  by  the  plaintiff,  for 
one  thing  and  turning  out  to  be  another.  All  this, 
I  say,  has  nothing  to  do  with  the  question.  The 
question  is,  whether  there  was  fraud  in  the  contract- 
or not,  and  to  this  I  shall  confine  my  argument. 
Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  there  are  cases  of  fraud,  and 
cases  of  deception — there  are  intrinsic  defects  and 
extrinsic  defects  that,  under  circumstances,  may 
vitiate  a  contract.  Intrinsic  defects  are  different 
from  extrinsic  defects,  and  extrinsic  defects  are  dif- 
ferent from  intrinsic  ones.  Intrinsic  defects  are 
such  as  may  not  appear  externally,  and  therefore 
they  may  be  made  legal  grounds  for  a  presumption 


177 

of  fraud.  Extrinsic  defects,  on  the  contrary,  are 
such  as  address  themselves  immediately  to  the  five 
senses,  and  are  obvious  at  first  sight.  In  order, 
therefore,  that  the  plaintiff  may  entitle  himself  to 
relief  in  the  present  case,  it  is  necessary  for  him  to 
prove  that  he  was  blind  at  the  time  of  making  the 
purchase.  If  he  was  not  blind,  he  must  of  necessity 
have  perceived  the  difference  between  a  mare  and 
a  horse,  and  having  so  perceived  it,  if  he  purchased 
with  his  eyes  open,  he  purchased  wilfully,  and  can- 
not plead  deception.  He  became  in  fact  a  party 
in  the  fraud. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  there  are  frauds  so 
monstrous  as  to  amount  to  no  frauds  at  all — decep- 
tions so  gross,  open  and  palpable,  as  to  argue,  either 
wilful  co-operation  on  the  part  of  the  person  said 
to  be  deceived,  or  a  total  deprivation  of  the  organ 
of  making  bargains.  In  such  cases  it  is  necessary 
for  the  person  aggrieved,  and  seeking  relief  at  the 
hands  of  justice,  to  prove  himself  either  non  compos, 
or  so  near  it  as  to  come  within  the  statute  of  imbe- 
cility? The  plaintiff  has  neither  done  one  or  the 
other  ;  on  the  contrary  he  affects  to  be  learned  in 
the  laws,  and  a  judge  of  horses,  although,  1  must 
take  leave  to  say  that  he  is  not  very  profound  in 
either.  Upon  the  whole,  gentlemen  of  the  jury, 
there  is  no  ground  for  the  charge  of  deception  urged 
against  my  client.  The  fraud  would  be  too  mon- 
strous for  human  credulity  ;  it  is,  as  I  said  before,  too 
great  for  a  fraud. 


178 

et  But,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  we  will  suppose,  for 
the  sake  of  argument,  the  plaintiff  in  this  suit  is 
not  only  blind,  but  actually  non  compos.  We  will 
suppose  him,  moreover,  a  notorious  swindler,  pick- 
pocket and  cheat — we  will  moreover  suppose  him 
a  person  that  has  murdered  his  father,  mother,  un~ 
uncle,  aunt,  and  several  others  of  his  nearest  rela- 
tives— we  will,  in  addition  to  this,  suppose" — 

I  could  stand  this  no  longer — 

"  I  beg  pardon  of  the  court,"  said  1,  "  but  the 
gentleman  has  no  right  to  suppose  any  such  thing." 

"  What,  not  for  the  sake  of  argument  ?  I  appeal 
to  the  court,  whether  it  is  not  an  allowable  fiction 
of  law,  to  suppose,  for  the  sake  of  argument,  any 
person  we  please,  a  rogue." 

The  judge  decided  that  fictions  of  law,  and  argu- 
mentative suppositions,  were  allowable,  and  the 
counsel  proceeded — 

"  As  I  was  saying,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  when 
the  gentleman  thought  proper  to  interrupt  me — wc 
will  suppose — but,  as  I  perceive,  these  suppositions 
are  not  relished  by  the  gentleman,  whose  conscience 
seems  a  little  sensitive  on  these  points — we  will  sup- 
pose, gentlemen  of  the  jury,  for  the  sake  of  argu- 
ment, that  one  half  of  you  were  non  compos,  and 
the  other  half  utterly  incapable  of  distinguishing  a 
mare  from  a  horse.  Suppose  further,  fcr  the  sake 
of  argument,  that  one  half  of  you  were  intoxicated 
at  this  present  moment,  and  the  other  half  asleep. 


179 

Or  suppose,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  for  the  sake  of 
argument,  that  you  were  a  low-bred,  uneducated, 
ignorant,  obstinate,  dirty" — 

Here  one  of  the  jurymen,  a  stout,  hard-featured 
fellow,  with  little  of  the  polish  of  any  court  but  a 
court  of  law,  started  up  and  exclaimed  in  a  passion — 

"  I'll  tell  you  what,  Mr.  Lawyer,  if  you  go  on 
insulting  the  jury  with  your  suppositions,  dam'me  if 
I  don't  knock  you  down — for  the  sake  of  argu- 
ment." 

The  counsel  was  rather  alarmed  at  this  formida- 
ble threat;  but  the  privilege  of  supposition  was  too 
dear  to  his  profession,  and  too  essential  to  a  long 
speech,  to  be  easily  given  up. 

"  Will  the  court  permit  itself  to  be  insulted  in 
this  manner?"  said  he.  "Shall  a  counsel  be  intern 
rupted  in  the  regular  discharge  of  his  duty  to  his 
client?  I  throw  myself  upon  the  protection  of  the 
court,  and  appeal  to  your  honour,  whether  I  have 
exceeded  the  reasonable  line  of  discussion  allowed 
to  counsel." 

His  honour  decided  that  he  had  not,  and  threat- 
ened to  commit  the  juryman  for  contempt.  "Go 
on,  Mr.  Quodlibet."     Mr.  Qjodlibet  proceeded — 

"As  the  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  (at  least  one  of 
them)  seem  not  inclined  to  lend  a  favourable  ear  to 
my  suppositions,  I  will  take  the  liberty  of  supposing, 
for  the  sake  of  argument,  that  your  honour  is  a 
judge  who  brings  nothing  to  the  bench  with  him, 


180 

but  a  superficial  knowledge  of  the  quips,  quibbles, 
and  quiddities  of  the  law.  I  will  further  suppose-— 
for  the  sake  of  argument — that  your  honour  is  a 
man  so  utterly  ignorant  of  those  sublime  distinc- 
tions that  mark  the  difference — the  eternal  and  im- 
passable separation  between  the  two  sexes. — as  not 
to  know  a  horse  from  a  mare.  I  will  further  sup- 
pose— for  the  sake  of  argument — that  your  honour  is 
entirely  destitute  of  the  faculties  of  seeing,  hearing, 
tasting,  smelling  and  feeling — that  you  are  neither 
mens  sa?ia,  nor  corpore  sano — that  you  are — in 
short — for  the  sake  of  argument — a  miserable,  igno- 
rant, conceited,  supercilious  pettifogger,  destitute  of 
every  faculty,  but  that  of  citing  exploded  decisions, 
and  applying  them  to  wrong  cases — that — for  the 
sake  of  argument — you  are  a  mere  parrot,  saying  only 
what  you  have  learned  by  rote — an  echo  repeating 
nothing  but  eternal  repetitions — that — " 

At  each  of  these  suppositions,  his  honour  became 
more  and  more  uneasy  in  his  seat — he  looked  this 
way,  and  he  looked  that — he  blew  his  nose,  wiped 
his  face,  coughed  and  hemmed — but  it  came  to  be 
too  hot  at  last,  and  he  could  no  longer  stand  the 
cross  fire  of  these  suppositions. 

'•Really,  Mr.  Quodlibet,  1  don't  see — I — really, 
sir.  it  appears  to  me.  that  your  suppositions  have 
nothing  to  do  with  the  question  before  the  court  and 
jury.  I  cannot  sit  still  and  permit  this  line  of  dis- 
cussion.    Be  pleased  to  confine  your  remarks  to 


181 

the  case  in  hand.     Really,  sir,  I  don't  like  to  hear 
myself  abused,  even  for  the  sake  of  argument." 

"  Why,  may  it  please  your  honour,"  rejoined 
counsellor  Quodlibet,  with  a  low  bow — -"what  can 
I  do  ?  The  plaintiff  has  come  here  with  malice 
prepense — -he  has  brought  no  counsel  into  court, 
and  has  offered  no  argument  in  his  case.  I  must 
therefore  either  suppose  he  has  argued  the  question, 
and  oppose  a  speech  that  has  never  been  made — or 
I  must  suppose  a  case  and  argue  that — or  I  must  say 
nothing,  which  is  a  case  not  to  be  found  in  any  of 
the  books.  Will  your  honour  permit  me  to  sup- 
pose that  the  plaintiff  has  actually  offered  an  elabo- 
rate argument,  in  this  case,  and  answer  it  accord- 
ingly 1  I  must  either  suppose  a  case,  or  suppose  an 
argument." 

"Any  thing  you  please,  Mr.  Quodlibet,  so  you 
don't  suppose  me  an  ignoramus,  or  a  rogue." 

Mr.  Quodlibet  then  went  on  with  increasing  ani- 
mation, seemingly  resolved  to  demolish  the  sha- 
dowy counsel  and  his  imaginary  speech. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  opposite  counsel,  or 
rather  the  plaintiff  in  this  suit,  has  asserted  that  a 
mare  is  a  horse." 

"  May  it  please  the  court,  I  asserted  no  such 
thing." 

"  Well,  then,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  plaintiff 
in  this  suit  has  ignorantly  affirmed  that  a  cow  or  a 
bull  are  synonymous." 

-      10 


182 

i:  I  deny  it,  may  it  please  the  court.'r 
u  Well,  then,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  plaintiff 
in  this  suit,  has  founded  his  claim  to  a  verdict,  upon 
the  preposterous  assumption  that  the  law  was   ex- 
pressly devised  to  protect  the  weak,  the  ignorant3 
and   the   inexperienced,  against  the  violence  and 
fraud  of  the  strong  and  the  cunning.     Now,  I  af- 
firm directly  the  contrary — I  say,  gentlemen  of  the 
jury,  the  law,  whatever  may  have  been  its  original 
intention,  is  now  principally  directed  to  the  object 
of  securing  to  the  cunning  and  experienced  of  this 
world,  the  fruits  of  that  knowledge  and  sagacity,  to 
which  in  the  eye  of  reason  they  are  justly  entitled. 
The  law,  at   least  the  common   law  as  it  is  now 
quite  settled  by  the  decisions  of  the  English  judges, 
rests  upon  the  principle,  that  the  weak  and  the  ig- 
norant are  naturally,  and  therefore   properly,  the 
prey  of  the  strong  and  the  cunning,  as  much  so  as 
the  weaker  and  less  wary  birds  and  beasts  are  oi 
the  more  wily  and  powerful.     In  a  state  of  nature, 
strength  and  courage  constitute  right ;   in  a  country 
governed   by   the    perfection    of    reason,  superior 
knowledge,   sagacity  and   cunning.     Hence  origi- 
nates the  great  maxim  of  Caveat  emptor — (here  I 
began  to  quake)  a  maxim,  gentlemen,  which  incul- 
cates upon  the  purchaser  of  an)  article  whatever — 
the  necessity  ol  wariness,  del  beration,  examination 
and  suspicion — which  sa)s  to  him,  if  he  makes  a 
bad  bargain  it  is  bis  own  fault — that  if  ho  is  igno- 


183 

rant,  it  is  his  own  fault — that  if  he  is  cheated,  it  is 
his  own  fault — and  that,  to  sum  up  all  in  one  word3 
'■  Caveat  Emptor.'  " 

His  honour,  after  a  charge  of  three  quarters  of  an 
hour,  in  which  he  told  the  jury,  what  the  law  was 
not,  at  least  twenty  times,  omitting  at  the  same 
time,  to  tell  what  it  was,  ended,  so  far  as  I  can  recol- 
lect, nearly  as  follows  : 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  to  conclude — the  case 
mainly  turns,  after  all,  upon  two  points — first,  whe- 
ther a  fraud  may  be  so  great,  impudent,  brazen  and 
enormous,  as  actually  to  lose  its  character,  and  be- 
come something  else.  Secondly,  whether,  in  the 
eye  of  the  common  law,  a  mare  is  synonymous  with 
a  horse — a  horse  with  a  mare. 

'"  As  to  the  first  point,  I  know  of  no  case,  nor  any 
decision,  bea  g  directly  upon  it,  by  which  to  be 
governed.  I  regret  this,  because  I  am  thus  under 
the  unpleasant  necessity  of  being  obliged  to  resort 
to  my  own  judgment  to  decide,  a  course  extremely 
troublesome  and  inconvenient,  and  savouring  of 
vanity.  Fortunately,  however,  there  is  a  decision, 
in  some  one  of  the  books,  of  a  certain  court  of  judi- 
cature in  the  kingdom  of  Brobdignag, which,  in  the 
absence  of  all  other  precedent,  1  shall  rely  on  in 
this  case.  It  was  there  solemnly  decided  that  a 
man  might  be  actually  too  little  for  a  dwarf.  Ar- 
guing from  the  analogy  of  the  two  cases,  I  am  in- 
clined to  believe,  that  if  a  man  may  be  too  little  for 


184 

a  dwarf,  so  may  a  fraud  be  too  great  for  a  fraud. 
Now,  gentlemen,  it  is  almost  impossible  to  con- 
ceive a  more  impudent,  gross,  and  prodigious  de- 
ception, than  to  sell  a  mare  for  a  horse,  to  a  person 
having  the  use  of  his  eyes.  It  isln  fact  so  gross  a 
fraud,  that  it  is  quite  impossible  to  believe  the  de- 
fendant intended  it  for  a  fraud.  When  a  human 
being  gets  beyond  a  certain  size,  he  is  no  longer 
called  a  man  but  a  giant — so  when  a  fraud  is  com- 
mitted of  an  enormous  magnitude,  it  ceases  to  be  p. 
fraud — it  is  a  misnomer  to  call  it  a  fraud,  and  the 
plaintilf  would  be  nonsuited  upon  that  ground,  it 
there  were  no  other. 

"  Touching  the  second  point,  gentlemen  of  the 
jury,  there  is  no  doubt  that  in  ordinary  acceptation, 
a  mare  is  a  horse,  but  it  is  not  quite  so  clear  that  a 
horse  is  a  mare.  The  horse,  gentlemen,  or  as  he 
is  called  in  the  latin  tongue  Eqinis,  gave  name  to 
the  equestrian  order  in  Rome,  which  was  so  called 
from  riding  on  horseback.  Now,  gentlemen,  there 
can  be  little  doubt  that  many  of  these  equestrians 
rode  upon  mares,  yet  they  were  called  indiscrimi- 
nately horsemen.  I  am,  therefore,  inclined  to  be- 
lieve that  mare  and  horse  were  considered  as  syno- 
nymous at  that  time.  This  is,  however,  opposed  to 
the  maxim,  that  though  a  mare  is  a  horse,  a  horse 
is  no  mare,  which  being  a  common  saying,  whereof 
the  memory  of  man  runneth  not  to  the  contrary,  it 
of  equal  authority  with  the  common  law,  which 


185 

Cometh  from  we  know  not  where.  If  you  believe; 
gentlemen,  that  a  mare  is  a  horse,  you  will  find  a 
verdict  for  the  defendant — if  you  believe,  on  the 
other  hand,  that  a  mare  is  not  a  horse,  you  will  find 
a  verdict  for  the  defendant  on  the  ground  that  the 
enormity  of  the  fraud  makes  it  no  fraud  at  all — if 
you  believe,  however,  that  a  fraud  is  a  fraud,  how- 
ever gross  and  palpable,  you  must  still  find  a  ver- 
dict for  the  defendant  on  the  ground  that  Caveat 
E 


MPTOR. 


» 


I  never  heard  this  word,  that  it  did  not  sound-to 
my  cars  like  the  croaking  of  the  prophetic  raven,  or 
the  screeching  of  the  ominous  owl.  The  jury  gave 
a  verdict  for  the  defendant,  with  costs  of  suit,  out  of 
due  respect  for  Caveat  emptor,  and  all  I  gained  by 
the  perfection  of  reason,  was  a  bill  of  costs  a  yard 
Jong,  and  the  laugh  of  the  universe.  I  was,  how- 
ever, a  little  consoled,  when  an  honest  neighbour 
told  me  1  had  certainly  the  most  extraordinary 
team  in  the  world — "a  sound  horse  that  was  blind 
of  an  eye  and  broken-winded — and  a  mare  that  had 
been  miraculously  metamorphosed  into  a  horse,  by 
the  magic  of  the  common  law." 

Never,  surely,  was  a  man  so  jilted  by  his  beloved 
as  I  was  by  the  common  law.  This  last  decision, 
which  established  the  doctrine,  that  a  mare  was  a 
horse,  and  a  fraud  no  fraud,  almost  drove  me  mad, 
and  could  I  have  conveniently  found  a  country  where 
there  was  no  such  thing  as  law,  I  think  I  should  cer- 
16* 


180 

(ainiy  have  sought  it  at  that  time.     In  truth,  these 
decisions  coming  thus  one  upon  the  back  of  another, 
at  first  gave  me  a  mortal  distaste  to  the  law,  parti- 
cularly the  common  law,  with  Caveat  emptor  at  its 
head.     But  when  again,  I  reverted  to  the  authority 
of  so  many  sages,  all  agreeing  in  pronouncing  it  the, 
perfection  of  reason,  1  was   thrown  in  the  dilem- 
ma of  at  length  being  obliged  either  to  acknow- 
ledge the  perfection  of  the  common  law,  or  to  con 
fess  myself  an  ass.     I  was  never  in  truth  very  con- 
fident in  my  own  opinions,  and  yielding  to  the  au- 
thority of  great  names,  and  early  impressions,  I  at 
length  came  to  the  conclusion  that  the  sense  oi 
justice,  the  suggestions  of  conscience,  and  the  moral 
feeling,  by  which  it  is  supposed  men   may  almost 
instinctively  decide  upon  what  is  right,  and  what  is 
wrong,  were  so  many  jack-a-lanterns,  when  put  in 
comparison  with  the  steady  light  of  the  perfection 
of  reason.     In  short,  I  no  longer  depended  in  the 
direction  of  my  conduct  upon  my  perceptions  oi 
moral  justice.     I  considered  the  perfection  of  rea- 
son as  the  only  true  guide,   and  yielded   implicit 
submission  to  Caveat  emptor,  firmly  believing,  that 
\(  1  could  only  get  him  on   my  side,  I  might  cheat,, 
swindle  and  deceive,  with  perfect  impunity,  and  in 
strict  conformity  not  only  with  the  wisdom  of  ages, 
but  the  perfection  of  reason.     You  will  perhaps 
wonder  at   this  conclusion  :  but  I  am   clearly  of 
opinion  that  many  an  honest  man  has  been  made  a 


187 

rogue,  by  being  disappointed  iu  his  search  after 
justice  at  the  shrine  of  the  common  law,  and  many 
a  one  perverted  by  its  equivocal  maxims.  It  is 
too  much  in  the  nature  of  man,  I  fear,  to  convert 
decisions  against  him,  which  his  own  innate  sense 
of  right  teaches  him  are  immoral  in  their  tendency 
and  unjust  in  their  principles,  into  a  warrant  for  the 
indulgence  of  his  own  evil  propensities.  Unques- 
tionably, he  who  has  frequently  appealed  in  vain 
to  the  law  for  redress,  in  cases  where  his  own  con- 
sciousness taught  him  he  was  right,  will  be  more  apt 
ever  afterwards,  to  study  what  is  law,  than  what  is 
right,  and  square  his  morality  accordingly.  At 
least,  it  was  so  with  me,  and,  I  have  no  hesitation  in 
confessing  that  at  one  time  of  my  life,  I  became 
little  better  than  a  ro^ue,  merely  through  the  seduc- 
tions of  Caveat  emptor,  and  the  perfection  of  reason. 
While  1  was,  however,  wavering  between  my 
early  impressions  of  morality,  and  the  temptations, 
of  the  common  law,  I  was  unexpectedly  called  upon 
to  act  on  the  defensive  iu  an  affair  of  much  greater 
consequence  than  any  of  the  preceding.  This  was 
a  suit  brought  for  the  recovery  of  the  estate,  which 
I  mentioned  as  having  been  gained  by  my  uncle  in 
a  lawsuit,  at  least  thirty  years  before.  He  had  re- 
mained in  quiet  possession,  and  so  had  I,  ever  since  • 
I  should  as  soon  have  expected  a  suit  to  turn  me 
out  of  my  skin,  as  out  of  my  estate.  However,  a 
suit  was  brought,  and  by  a  man  that  had  failed  fout 


188 

limes,  since  we  had  possession — given  up  all  bin 
property,  or  at  least  sworn  he  had  done  so — and 
had  never  paid  one  tenth  of  his  honest  debts.  If 
lie  ever  had  any  rights  in  the  estate,  they  should, 
in  the  eye  of  justice,  have  belonged  entirely  to  his 
creditors.  These,  however,  were  all  dead  or  dis- 
persed, and  the  gentleman  had  now  a  fair  field. 

1  was  served  with  a  declaration  of  war,  which 
made  my  hair  stand  on  end.  First,  I  had  entered 
by  force  of  arms,  and  violently  taken  possession  of 
this  honest  man's  estate — I  had  beaten  him  with 
staves,  sticks,  stones  and  what-not,  till  he  had 
scarcely  a  whole  bone  in  his  skin.  Then  I  had  not 
only  got  possession  vi  cl  armis,  but  not  content  with 
this,  had  actually  cheated  him  out  of  it  afterwards. 
In  fact,  if  I  remember  right,  I  had  got  possession  in 
ten  different  ways.  Nay,  I  did  not  stop  here, 
rogue  as  I  was.  I  had  fraudulently,  forcibly,  and 
illegally  kept  possession,  and  forcibly,  fraudulently 
and  illegally  converted  the  proceeds  of  the  said  ho- 
nest man's  estate,  to  my  own  use,  profit  and  behoof, 
fraudulently,  forcibly  and  illegally.  Now  I  declare 
solemnly,  there  was  not  one  word  of  truth  in  all 
this,  yet  it  was  no  joke  I  assure  you. 

After  this  first  shot,  my  antagonist  cited  me  to 
appear,  defend  myself,  and  make  good  my  title.  T 
appeared,  ready  armed  with  two  great  lawyers,  as 
squires  of  the  body,  but  as  ill-luck  would  have  it  a 
principal  witness  of  the  plaintiff  was  absent,  and  ap- 


189 

plication  was  made  to  put  off'  the  trial.  Dilationes 
in  lege  sunt  odiosae,  said  his  honor,  and  granted 
the  motion.  The  next  term,  I  appeared  as  be- 
fore— and  the  trial  was  again  postponed.  In  thi& 
way  matters  went  on  for  five  or  six  years,  during 
which  my  opponent,  under  one  pretence  or  other, 
put  off  the  decision.  The  different  judges  never 
failed  to  quote  dilationes  in  lege  sunt  odiosae — but 
then  they  all  granted  the  delay  odious  as  it  was  in 
the  eyes  of  the  perfection  of  reason.  I  begged  of 
my  counsel,  as  I  was  all  this  time  kept  in  a  state  of 
agitation  and  uncertainty,  and  could  neither  sell  or 
improve  my  estate,  to  bring  matters  to  a  close  as 
quick  as  possible.  They  assured  me  this  was  out 
of  the  question — it  rested  with  the  plaintiff  to  bring 
his  suit  up  when  he  pleased. 

"  And  how  long  can  he  delay  it  ?" 

"  Till  doomsday — or  until  all  his  money  is  spent.'* 

" Dilationes  in  leges  sunt  odiosae ,"  said  I,  shrug- 
ging up  my  shoulders. 

*'  To  be  sure  they  arc,"  replied  my  counsel  with 
infinite  gravity." 

"  And  so  he  can  keep  me  in  this  state  of  uncer- 
tainty all  my  life  ?" 

"  Yea — and  you  and  your  posterity  for  ever,  to 
the  hundredth  generation." 

"  And  this  is  called  the  perfection  of  reason,  when 
any  wretch  may  thus  keep  the  lawful  possessor  of 
property  as  long  as  he  pleases,  in  this  state  of  es- 


190 

pense  and  suspeuse.     This   is  the  perfection  of 
■reason !" 

"  Unquestionably — it  is  as  reasonable  that  you 
who  enjoy  the  sweets  of  possession,  should  suffer 
the  fear  of  being  turned  out,  as  that  he  who  endures 
the  pain  of  being  out  of  possession,  should  enjoy 
the  hope  of  getting  in.  This  is  the  perfection 
of  equal  justice." 

At  length  an  aged  person,  upon  whose  recollec- 
tion of  the  facts  connected  with  the  former  history 
of  the  estate,  I  had  relied  materially  in  maintaining 
my  title,  died.  The  very  next  term,  the  plaintift 
was  ready  and  the  trial  came  on.  It  was  not  the 
absence  of  one  of  his  witnesses  but  the^  presence 
of  one  of  mine,  that  was  so  inconvenient  to  him. 
The  trial  occupied  three  days — one  in  hearing  tes- 
timony— and  two  in  hearing  speeches,  which  after 
all  signified  nothing  as  it  appeared.  It  was  the 
cases  cited,  that  decided  the  question  of  right.  My 
counsel  cited  Holt — but  he  was  knocked  down  by 
chief  justice  Buller,  who  butted  him  quite  out  oi 
court.  After  this  first  round  they  took  a  little 
breath,  and  to  it  again.  The  opposite  counsel 
cited  Strange — and  mine  Espinasse — they  quoted 
Fonblanque — and  we  Dallas — "  Pish,"  said  they, 
"  this  is  only  a  dictum  of  one  of  our  own  judges." 
"Your  honour  will  turn  to  page  116,  vol.  112. 
Troutback  vs.  Sturgeon."  "  Your  honour,"  cried 
we,  "  will  please  to  turn  to  page  250,  vol.  99,  Crane 


191 

'  s.  Feaeoek."  "  Lord  Coke  says"—"  Lord  Maus- 
deld  affirms,  your  honour,  in  the  famous  case  of 
Cock-a-doodle  manor,  which  settled  the  principle." 
This  last  blow  ended  the  second  round,  and  in  fact- 
decided  the  question  in  my  favour.  Lord  Mans- 
field  carried  all  before  him,  and  our  adversaries 
never  held  up  their  heads  afterwards.  They 
gave  in  at  the  third  round,  with  a  faint  effort  at 
milling  a  little  with  Glanville,  and  a  few  of  the  old 
school  fancy. 

The  judge  was  at  last  permitted  to  say  a  little  for 
himself.  In  truth  I  began  to  think,  he  was  to  have 
nothing  to  do  in  the  business  and  that  my  cause  was 
to  be  tried  by  the  judges  of  England,  not  those  of 
my  own  country.  I  have  not  sufficient  recollection 
of  his  charge  to  repeat  it,  but  I  remember  his  de- 
cision turned  altogether  on  the  authority  of  lord 
Mansfield.  Such  was  his  exemplary  modesty,  that 
he  never  intruded  his  own  opinions,  or  appeared  to 
consult  his  own  judgment.  This  seemed  rather 
odd  to  me,  although,  I  had  by  this  time  become 
pretty  well  accustomed  to  it.  I  could  not  help  think- 
ing that  a  plain  man  of  good  judgment  and  acquire- 
ments, who  had  heard  all  the  testimony  appertain- 
ing to  this  special  case,  was  better  qualified  to  de- 
cide upon  it,  than  even  my  lord  Mansfield,  meaning 
no  disrespect  to  his  lordship — who  died  long  ago, 
and  never  dreamed  of  me,  my  adversary  or  my 
cause.     Thanks,  however,  to  my  lord,  to  whom  I 


192 

shall  ever  feel  grateful,  and  who  I  have  no  doubt 
was  a  very  clever  fellow,  I  gained  my  suit,  and  re- 
joiced mightily  in  the  laws,  which  were  now  entire- 
ly restored  to  my  good  graces. 

But  1  might  have  kept  my  joy  for  a  better  oppor- 
tunity. My  honest  friend  was  not  satisfied  like  me. 
with  my  lord  Mansfield's  decision.  He  appealed  to 
a  superior  court — but  luckily  lord  Mansfield  reigned 
paramount  there  also,  and  again  I  was  triumphant. 
It  cost  me  all  the  proceeds  of  my  estate  that  year 
though  ;  it  was  one  of  Pyrrhus'  victories.  My 
honest  friend  again  appealed  to  a  still  higher  court ; 
1  thought  there  was  no  end  to  them.  Here  he  kept 
me  dangling  for  three  years  more,  waiting,  as  he 
afterwards  boasted,  for  some  new  decision  of  an 
English  judge,  that  should  overthrow  lord  Mans- 
field's doctrine,  and  turn  it  upside  down.  At  length 
such  a  decision  was  made  by  a  sage  of  the  bench  ; 
one  in  fact  that  seemed  made  exactly  to  suit  his 
purpose.  It  was  directly  in  the  teeth  of  his  lord- 
ship, and  unsettled  the  law  of  at  least  half  a  centu- 
ry. In  charging  the  jury,  his  honour,  delivered 
himself  to  this  effect : 

"Gentlemen  of  the  jury:  The  perfection  and 
beauty  of  the  law  consists  in  this — that  it  is  not 
only  a  rule  of  action,  but  a  rule  which,  being  found- 
ed in  the  perfection  of  reason  and  the  wisdom  of 
ages,  is  not  liable  to  those  changes,  to  which  all  else 
is  subjected  in  this  world.     Such  is  the  stability  of 


193 

ibis  rule  of  action,  that  a  man  may  at  all  times 
know  the  extent  of  his  rights  and  his  duties,  and 
the  course  necessary  for  him  to  pursue,  in  order  to 
secure  those  rights  and  perform  those  duties.  Law 
is,  in  fact,  the  result  of  the  perfection  of  reason, 
based  on  the  accumulated  wisdom  of  ages.  This 
may  be  most  especially  affirmed  of  the  common 
law,  which  is  expressly  founded  upon  maxims  and 
practices,  so  ancient  that  the  memory  of  man  run 
neth  not  to  the  contrary  thereof. 

"Yet,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  certain  self-suffi- 
cient persons,  misled  by  that  ignis-fatuus  common 
sense,  have  affected  to  lament  that,  notwithstanding 
this  perfection  of  the  common  law,  it  is  exposed  to 
one  very  serious  imperfection.  In  the  lapse  of 
ages,  necessary  to  produce  that  perfect  oblivion 
of  the  origin  of  any  rule  or  custom  which  makes  it 
amount  to  law,  mankind  have  from  time  to  time 
forgot  what  the  custom  actually  is,  and  great  doubts 
and  uncertainties  arise  in  consequence  thereof. 
Thus,  say  these  cavillers,  though  there  is  no  doubt 
that  the  common  law  is  really  and  truly  the  perfec- 
tion of  reason,  if  we  could  only  rescue  it  perfectly 
from  the  obscurity  of  ages,  yet,  as  it  is,  we 
must  take  it  as  we  find  it  laid  down  by  persons 
who  differ  continually  from  each  other.  The 
mischief,  continue  they,  is,  that  such  is  the  diversi- 
ty, the  waywardness,  the  pride  and  the  obstinacy  cf 
17 


194 

human  reason,  that  these  oracles  differ  one  among 
another,  upon  almost  every  principle  of  the  common 
law.  By  this  means,  the  common  law,  in  effect, 
ceases  to  be  a  rule  of  action,  since  it  is  impossible 
to  say  that  a  dozen  different  rules  can  make  one 
rule. 

"  In  order  to  decide  upon  these  contradictoiy 
decisions,  different  judges  resort,  not  to  their  own 
opinions,  but  to  the  opinions  and  decisions  of 
others.  Some  are  of  opinion,  that  as  the  whole 
force  and  authority  of  the  common  law  is  derived 
from  its  antiquity,  it  follows,  of  course,  that  the 
people  of  these  remote  ages  were  wiser  than  those 
which  succeeded  them.  As  a  matter  of  course,  if 
this  position  be  correct,  then  the  decisions  of  per- 
sons living  the  nearest  to  the  sources  and  origin  of 
the  common  law,  must  be  of  the  greatest  authority 
in  settling  its  principles.  They  argue  that  if  those 
ages,  and  sages,  which  produced  and  expounded 
the  doctrines  and  practice  of  the  common  law, 
were  not  wiser,  or  at  least  as  wise  as  we  are  at  pre- 
sent, it  were  best  to  discard  it  entirely,  or  so  modify 
it  as  to  make  it  comport  with  the  wisdom  of  the 
present  times. 

"  Some,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  on  the  olher- 
hand,  maintain  a  contrary  doctrine,  in  expounding 
the  principles  of  the  common  law.  They  argue 
Ibat  as  it  is  a  received  axiom,  that  every  succeed- 


195 

ngage  is  wiser  than  its  predecessor,  the  probability 
is,  that  it  must  produce  wiser  men  in  every  science. 
Hence,  it  would  seem  to  follow,  say  they,  that: 
those  decisions  which  approach  the  nearest  to  oui 
time  should  be  most  relied  upon, — in  other  words, 
that  every  succeeding  decision,  is  of  weightier  au- 
thority than  the  preceding  one;  and  consequently 
that  it  operates  somewhat  in  the  nature  of  a  new 
law,  which  abrogates  the  old.  Among  those  who 
believe  that  human  reason  is  every  day  becoming 
more  perfect,  I  profess  myself  to  be  one,  and  of 
consequence  I  consider,  the  latest  decisions  on  points 
of  law  as  unquestionably  the  best.  We'prefernew 
fashions  in  dress,  furniture  and  other  matters,  on 
account  of  their  superior  elegance,  and  why  should 
we  not  in  like  manner,  prefer  new  opinions  ?  There 
.is  in  fact  a  fashion  in  science  and  literature  as  well 
as  in  every  thing  else  ;  and  not  to  follow  it,  is  to 
depart  from  the  spirit  of  the  age.  A  man  who 
should  at  this  time  of  day,  believe  in  animal  mag- 
netism, and  reject  phrenology,  would  be  considered 
quite  as  antediluvian  as  one  that  should  discard 
high  capes  and  put  on  high  cuffs.  Were  a  physi- 
cian to  confine  himself  to  the  lessons  of  experience, 
and  invent  no  new  theories,  he  would  never  be- 
come president  of  a  medical  college — and  were  a 
lawyer  to  found  his  practice  on  the  simple  rules  of 
a  written  code,  it  is  almost  a  moral  certainty,  that 
lie  would  never  erow  rich.     There  would  be  an 


IDG 

clad  to  the- glory  of  the  profession,  and  the  still 
more  glorious  uncertainty  of  the  law. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  it  is  a  vulgar  error  to 
suppose,  because  the  common  law  is  the  perfection 
of  reason,  that  it  is  to  remain  stationary  and  unal- 
terable. To  be  permanently  perfect,  it  must  be 
changing  continually,  in  order  to  accommodate  itself 
to  the  wisdom  of  the  age,  which  for  the  time  being. 
is  always  the  perfection  of  wisdom.  Every  thing 
new,  is  undoubtedly  an  improvement  upon  the  old. 
It  may  be  objected,  perhaps,  to  this  doctrine,  that 
as  the  common  law  is  a  rule  of  action,  it  is  indis- 
pensable that  the  rule  should  be  known  to  all,  and 
consequently  that  it  should  be  permanent.  Thi^ 
reasoning  is  entirely  fallacious.  In  the  first  place, 
there  is  no  necessity  that  a  rule  should  be  settled, 
or  permanent,  to  constitute  it  a  rule.  The  moon 
changes  every  day,  and  yet  nobody  denies  it  to  be 
a  moon.  No  two  years  are  exactly  the  same,  and 
yet  the  seasons  remain  unalterable — and  no  man 
continues  unchanged  to  the  end  of  his  life — yet  no- 
body denies  that  he  is  still  the  same  man.  So  is 
the  rule  a  rule,  though  it  should  alter  every  day  of 
the  year.  The  same  fallacy  is  observable  in  the  ar- 
gument, that  a  rule  of  action  should  necessarily  be 
known  to  those  who  are  expected  to  be  guided  by  it 
in  the  common  affairs  of  life.  Such  a  doctrine, 
gentlemen,  would  be  fatal  to  the  liberal  and  learned 
professions.     Men  are  expected  to  get  well,  when 


197 

they  grow  sick — yet  is  it  absolutely  requisite  to 
have  physicians  to  cure  them.  They  are,  more- 
over, expected  to  be  acquainted  with  the  laws 
which  are  to  regulate  their  conduct — yet  it  is  ne- 
cessary to  have  lawyers  and  judges  to  interpret 
them,  which  we  all  know  is  rather  a  difficult  mat- 
ter. If  mankind  were  all  virtuous,  there  would  be. 
no  need  of  preachers — if  they  were  all  in  good 
health,  there  would  be  no  occasion  for  doctors — 
and  if  they  were  all  wise,  there  would  be  no  occa- 
sion for  lawyers  or  judges — for  no  man  would  ever 
go  to  law. 

"Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  I  flatter  myself,  I  have 
now  succeeded  in  establishing  the  following  posi- 
tions :  First,  that  the  common  law  is  the  perfection 
of  reason,  because  it  adapts  itself  to  our  reason, or 
our  reason  adapts  itself  to  the  common  law.  Se- 
condly, that  inasmuch,  as  the  common  law  derives 
its  authority  from  its  early  adoption  by  our  ances- 
tors, it  seems  to  follow  as  a  matter  of  course,  that 
the  latest  decisions  on  it  must  be  the. most  irrefraga- 
ble. There  is  thus  the  wisdom  of  invention  belong- 
ing  to  our  ancestors,  and  the  wisdom  of  improvement 
belonging  to  their  descendants — both  which,  com- 
bined, constitute  the  perfection  of  reason.  Thirdly, 
that  though  the  law  is  a  rule  of  action,  there  is  no  ne- 
cessity that  it  should  either  be  understood  b)  every 
body  alike,  nor  indeed  by  any  body  but  gentlemen 
of  the  profession.  Nor  is  it  proper  that  even  thev 
17* 


198 

should  understand  it  exactly  alike,  for  in  that  case 
the  judges  instead  of  having  perhaps  ten  or  a  dozen 
different  opinions  to  take  their  choice  of,  would  he 
confined  to  one  alone.  Besides  this,  as  two  differ- 
ent opinions  are  necessary  to  a  suit  at  law,  if  the 
rule  were  so  simple  and  plain  as  to  be  comprehend- 
ed by  persons  of  ordinary  understanding,  there 
would  be  none  but  fools  that  would  go  to  law,  and 
that  would  destroy  the  dignity  of  the  profession. 
Fourthly,  that  a  rule  of  action  need  not  be  perma- 
nent to  constitute  it  a  rule,  as  instanced  in  the  case 
of  the  moon,  which,  although  not  laid  down  in  any 
of  the  books,  is  conclusive. 

"  From  these  positions  it  results,  gentlemen  of 
the  jury,  that  you  will  find  a  verdict  for  the  plain- 
tiff. I  am  free  to  confess,  that  had  the  decision  of 
lord  Mansfield,  in  the  matter  of  the  manor  of  Cock- 
a-doodle,  been  posterior  to  that  of  my  lord  chic  t 
justice  Bridlegoose,  I  should  have  given  an  opinion 
directly  to  the  contrary.  The  decision  of  judge 
Bridlegoose,  b.eing  the  latest,  is  certainly  the  best, 
as  he  has  the  advantage  not  only  of  lord  Mansfield's, 
but  his  own  wisdom  besides,  to  direct  him — which 
is  two  to  one  at  least.  I  acknowledge  it  is  a  hard 
case,  gentlemen,  a  very  hard  case — and  I  could  al- 
most wish  judge  Bridlegoose  had  delayed  his  opi- 
nion till  this  suit  was  decided.  The  defendant  has, 
however,  his  remedy  at  law.  He  can  wait  till  a 
new   opinion   comes  out,  in  opposition  to  judge 


199 

Bridlegoose,  and  then  commence  a  suit  for  the  re- 
covery of  his  property.1' 

What  a  pity  lord  Mansfield  had  not  been  a  little 
later  in  coming  into  the  world  !  I  should  have  been 
a  rich  man  probably  to  this  day,  in  spite  of  the  per- 
fection of  reason.  As  it  was,  I  lost  my  estate,  only 
because  judge  Bridlegoose  unfortunately  for  me, 
had  the  last  word.  I  would  have  appealed  from 
this  decision,  but  unluckily  there  was  no  court  to 
appeal  to — we  had  got  to  the  top  of  the  ladder,  and 
there  was  an  end  to  the  perfection  of  reason. 

This  blow  was  soon  followed  up  by  another,  and 
yet  another,  which  both  together  left  me  destitute 
of  every  thing  like  real  property  in  this  world,  if 
the  word  real  can  apply  to  any  thing  which  lies  at 
the  mercy  of  the  perfection  of  reason.  In  pro- 
ducing the  papers  necessary  to  establish  my  right 
to  the  property  of  which  I  had  been  divested,  in 
the  manner  just  related,  by  the  perfection  of  judge 
Bridlegoose's  reason,  I  unwarily  exhibited  two 
deeds  relating  to  two  other  pieces  of  land  of  which 
my  good  uncle  and  his  ancestors  had  been  in  pos- 
session almost  a  century.  It  happened  that  one  of 
these  was  without  a  seal,  and  the  other  did  not  spe- 
cify that  the  conveyance  was  made  to  the  purchaser, 
his  heirs  and  assigns  for  ever.  The  lawyer  who  ex- 
amined them,  immediately  scented  a  couple  of  ex- 
quisite lawsuits.  He  went  to  work  and  after  more 
than  half  a  year's  indefatigable  research  discover- 


200 

cd  the  heirs  of  the  persons  from  whom  my  uncle 
derived  his  title. 

I  was  again  accused,  in  technical  phrase,  of  as- 
saulting, beating,  bruising  and  maltreating,  some 
half  a  dozen  men,  women  and  children  whom  I 
had  never  seen,  and  of  fraudulently  keeping  pos- 
session of  property,  which  had  descended  to  me 
through  two  or  three  generations.  Formerly  I 
should  have  smiled  at  these  attempts  to  dispossess 
me,  but  I  began  to  doubt  whether,  in  the  eye  of  the 
perfection  of  reason,  there  was  such  a  thing  as  an 
indefeisible  title  even  to  the  possession  of  a  man's 
own  head.  Besides,  I  was  horribly  afraid  that 
judge  Bridlegoose  might  have  been  giving  another 
opinion,  that  would  do  my  business  as  effectually 
as  the  first. 

In  the  first  of  these  cases  the  flaw  in  my  title  con- 
sisted in  the  want  of  a  seal  to  the  deed  of  convey- 
ance. There  was  no  doubt  as  to  the  hand-writing 
of  the  person  who  made  it ;  but  still  it  was  contend- 
ed that  the  absence  of  the  seal  rendered  the  whole 
a  nullity.  It  was  the  seal  and  not  the  hand  writing 
which  verified  the  instrument.  I  produced  receipts 
for  the  purchase,  proving  beyond  doubt  that  a  full 
and  fair  value  was  given  and  received,  but  all  would 
not  do.  Even  my  own  counsel  had  nothing  to  say- 
in  favour  of  my  right.  All  argument  was  waved 
for  once,  and  the  judge  gave  his  charge  to  the  jury. 
I  was  rejoiced  to  see  that  he  was  a  different  person 


201 

from  the  judge  who  had  such  a  great  opinion  of 
chief  justice  Bridlegoose,  but  I  soon  found  I  had 
only  got  out  of  the  fryingpan  into  the  fire.  His 
honour  began — 

"Gentlemen  of  the  jury  :  I  cannot  sufficiently  con- 
gratulate both  myself  and  you,  that  we  are  here  deli- 
berating and  deciding  under  the  purest  and  most  per- 
fect system  of  laws,  with  which  any  people  were  ever 
blessed  ;  a  system  combining  the  wisdom  of  our  an- 
cestors with  that  of  our  own — a  system  happily  cha- 
racterized by  the  sages  of  the  law,  as  the  result  ot 
the  experience  of  ages,  and  the  perfection  of  reason. 
J  speak,  gentlemen,  of  the  common  law — which  is, 
I  will  venture  to  say — I  can  hardly  say  what  it  is — 
sometimes  it  is  one  thing,  sometimes  another — some- 
times it  is  founded  upon  a  rule,  and  sometimes  upon 
exceptions  to  a  rule — sometimes  it  is  defined  and 
sometimes  it  is  not  defined — sometimes  it  is  thepro- 
duct  of  ages  of  darkness,  illustrated  and  explained  by 
the  wisdom  of  ages  of  light — and  sometimes  it  is  the 
offspring  of  ages  of  light,  mellowed  down  as  it  were 
into  an  agreeable  twilight,  by  the  obscurities  of 
ages  of  darkness.  It  is  in  fact,  gentlemen,  a  chaos 
of  wisdom  and  experience,  out  of  which  issues 
beauty  and  order,  as  did  the  fair  creations  of  this 
harmonious  universe.  Even  its  inconsistencies  and 
diversities,  may  be  justly  said  to  contribute  to  its  un- 
equalled perfection.  As  in  a  concert,  the  different 
instruments  all  played  by  different  persons,  and  the 
different  voices  attuned  to  different  pitches,  men. 


202 

women  and  children  ;  counter,  tenor,  treble,  anu 
bass,  all  conduce  to  the  nicest  and  most  accurate 
harmony  ;  so  do  the  different  opinions  of  different 
judges  and  jurists,  administer  to  the  harmony,  beau- 
ty and  perfection  of  the  common  law. 

"  Another  excellence  peculiar  to  the  common 
law,  is  its  'capacity  of  adapting  itself  to  times, 
changes  and  circumstances,  without  any  other  vio- 
lence than  an  occasional  departure  from  common 
sense,  a  species  of  instinct  which  the  law  holds  in 
little  respect.  Hence  we  rind  it  in  one  age,  one 
thing,  in  another  age,  another  thing — in  the  mouth 
ol  one  judge-  it  speaks  one  opinion,  in  that  of  an- 
other judge,  another  opinion,  according  to  the  vari- 
ations produced  by  time,  the  difference  of  climate, 
the  wind,  the  fashion  and  other  modifying  circum- 
stances. Hence  too,  and  this  is  another  peculiar 
excellence  of  the  law,  that  let  a  man's  case  be  ap- 
parently ever  so  bad,  it  is  ten  to  one  but  he  can  hud 
somewhere  or  another,  a  decision  of  some  court  or 
judge,  that  makes  in  his  favour.  This  is  what  is 
meant  by  the  law  iooking  with  equal  e)es  on  all 
persons,  and  presuming  even  man  to  be  innocent 
till  he  is  found  guilty.  The  common  law  has  in 
fact  all  the  qualities  of  the  famous  pair  of  enchant- 
ed seven-league  boots,  which,  it  is  recorded,  titled 
even  bod),  great  and  small,  from  little  Hop-o'- 
my-thumb,  to  the  great  giant  Biunderbore. 

Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  common  law  is,  above 


203 

alljVenerableforits  antiquity,  a  point  on  which  I  shall 
insist,  particularly,  as  it  has  a  direct  bearing  upon 
this  case.     Its  very  essence  consists  in  the  obscurity 
of  its  origin,  like  the  claim  of  many  families  to  no- 
bility.    From  this  early  origin  arises  the   indispen- 
aible  requirement  of  the  common  law,  that  a  seal 
should   be   necessary  to  constitute  a  legal  convey- 
ance of  real  property.     The  necessity  of  this,  will 
become  sufficiently  apparent,  when  we  consider  the 
fact,  that  in  those  remote  periods,  which  produced 
that  stupendous  edifice  of  wisdom,  called  the  com- 
mon law,  not  one  in  a  thousand,  could  either  read 
or  write.     I  leave  it  to  you,  gentlemen  of  the  jury, 
to  explain   how  it  happened,  as  it  did  undoubtedly 
happen,  that  the  perfection  of  wisdom  should  have 
originated  in  the  perfection  of  ignorance.      It  is  a 
severe  reflection  upon  learning  and  refinement,  cer- 
tainly, that  to  this  day  they  have  not  been  able  to 
improve  upon  this  great  work  of  ignorance  and  bar- 
barity.    However,  this  we  must  leave  to  inquirers 
in  other  places — until  the  English  judges  have  de- 
cided upon    this    matter,  I  shall   hold  my  tongue. 
People  that  cannot  write,  or  who  consider  writing 
beneath   their   dignity   and    rank,  generally  make 
their  mark  now-a-days,  in  the  shape  of  a  cross,  to 
indicate,  I  imagine,  that  by  this  sacred  symbol,  they 
pledge  themselves  to  what  they  have  thus  signed. 
But  in  those  early  ages  of  the  perfection  of  reason, 
it  was  the  custom  to  affix  a  seal  bearing  some  Jc  • 


204 

gcnd  or  device,  identifying  it  with  the  person  to 
whose  act,  or  deed,  it  was  appended.  This  custom 
appears  at  least  as  ancient  as  the  aera  of  Solomon, 
and  thus  far  we  can  distinctly  trace  the  antiquity  of 
this  peculiarity  of  the  common  law.  Gentlemen, 
Solomon  was  a  wise  man  and  must  have  had  good 
reasons  for  what  he  did.  The  seal  of  Solomon  is 
frequently  alluded  to  in  the  Koran.  In  like  manner 
we  find  the  ancient  kings  of  Asia,  signifying  their 
sovereign  behests,  by  sending  a  person  with  their 
seal,  as  evidence  of  the  orders  he  carried.  To  in- 
trust a  favourite  with  a  seal  in  the  days  of  Ha- 
roun  Alraschid,  was  to  give  into  his  hands  the 
power  of  the  whole  empire  of  the  Caliphs.  The 
custom,  therefore,  of  affixing  a  seal,  is  sanctioned 
by  great  names,  and  long  usages,  the  eternal  basis 
of  truth  and  justice. 

"  The  practice  thus  derived  from  the  remotest 
antiquity,  subsists  in  the  present  age,  in  the  law 
alone,  the  great  depository  of  all  the  sacred  relics 
of  time  and  ignorance,  preserved  by  the  hallowed 
industry  of  the  profession.  I  had  like  to  have  for- 
gotten, however,  <o  observe  that  the  reasons  on 
which  it  was  founded  have  entirely  ceased.  In  this 
country  at  least,  almost  all  persons  of  both  sexes, 
who  can  ever  be  supposed  in  a  situation  to  make 
conveyance  of  land,  can  write  their  names.  If  there 
should  be  occasionally  a  solitary  instance  to  the 
contrary,  witnesses  can  always  be  obtained  to  sign 


205 

iheir  names,  and  thus  verify  the  instrument.  I  will 
not  deny  too,  that  the  signature  of  a  person  in  his 
own  proper  hand-writing,  properly  attested  by 
witnesses,  and  verified  by  the  signature  of  a  ma- 
gistrate, is  rather  stronger  evidence  of  authen- 
ticity than  the  mere  affixing  a  seal.  But  this 
does  not  in  reality  render  a  seal  less  necessary,  as 
a  corroborative  and  security,  in  addition  to  the  sig- 
natures. It  is  easy  for  a  man  to  sign  the  name  of 
another,  and  to  imitate  it  with  sufficient  exactness 
for  all  the  purposes  of  fraud  ;  but  it  is  not  so  easy 
to  get  a  wafer  or  bit  of  wax  for  a  seal.  The  seal, 
therefore,  is  additional  security  that  the  instrument 
is  genuine.  Besides,  if  it  were  not  so,  the  very 
tenor  of  the  instrument  is  "  witness  my  hand  and 
sea/."  Now,  if  there  is  no  seal,  the  conveyance 
asserts  what  is  not  true — it  presents  on  the  face  of 
it  a  falsehood — it  is  therefore  a  fraudulent  conve}- 
ance,  and  must  be  set  aside." 

The  jury  accordingly  set  it  aside  ;  and  thus  was  I 
deprived  of  my  land,  only  because  king  Solomon, 
and  Haroun  Alraschid,  not  being  able  or  willing  to 
write  their  names,  signified  their  sovereign  will  by 
a  seal.  It  is  not  for  nothing,  that  the  most  enlight- 
ened statesmen  consider  learning  as  so  mischievous 
an  ingredient  in  human  affairs.  If  there  had  been 
no  such  villanous  practice  as  that  of  writing  of 
names,  my  unlucky  conveyance  would  have  had  a 
seal  to  it,  and  I  might  have  been  in  quiet  possession 
18 


JOG 

of  my  land  to  this  day.  As  it  was,  1  lost  it  for  lack 
of  a  wafer,  or  a  little  bit  of  wax,  not  worth  a  stiver. 
I  confess  I  considered  it  rather  a  hard  case,  that  I 
should  lose  one  estate  in  consequence  of  one  judge's 
veneration  for  the  latest,  and  a  second  on  account 
of  another's  veneration  for  the  earliest  practice  un- 
der the  common  law. 

Well  was  it  said  that  riches  make  to  themselves 
wings  and  fly  away ;  and  if  I  am  not  mistaken,  one 
of  these  wings  is  the  common  law.  At  least  it  was 
so  with  me.  The  very  next  day,  as  if  to  take  me 
while  I  was  going,  the  other  cause  came  on,  for  the 
farm  that  had  only  been  conveyed  to  my  grand- 
father, and  not  to  his  heirs,  as  was  undoubtedly 
intended  by  both  parties.  The  amount  of  the 
purchase  money  was  acknowledged  on  all  hands  to 
be  far  too  great  to  admit  of  the  supposition  that 
my  ancestor,  who  was  at  the  time  of  purchasing, 
almost  seventy  years  old,  contemplated  only  a  life 
estate.  Common  sense  offered  another  presump- 
tion in  my  favour,  in  the  fact  that  the  property  had 
never  been  questioned  or  claimed  till  the  present 
moment,  a  lapse  of  more  than  half  a  century, 
by  the  adverse  party.  But  these  presumptions, 
although  conclusive  in  the  eye  of  common  sense, 
were  of  no  account  in  the  estimation  of  the  per- 
fection of  reason.  The  law  was  against  me,  and 
there  was  an  end  of  the  business.  It  was,  more- 
over, an  old  law,  which  like  old  wine  ought  always 


207 

to  take  precedence.  Moreover,  it  had  been  no 
doubt  founded  in  the  perfection  of  reason  at  some 
time  or  other,  and  though  the  reasons  had  long 
since  ceased  to  exist,  still  the  law  remained,  and  it 
was  the  perfection  of  reason  to  retain  the  law, 
when  the  reason  had  passed  away.  It  was  unques- 
tionably the  misfortune  of  my  ancestor  that  the 
conveyance  was  not  full — but  Caveat  Emptor  ! 
Whenever  I  heard  Caveat  Emptor  quoted,  1  knew 
it  was  all  over  with  me,  and  quietly  resigned  myself 
to  be  dealt  with  according  to  the  perfection  of  rea- 
son, which  has  decided  that  if  one  man  places  con- 
fidence in  another,  he  forfeits  all  right  to  the  pro- 
tection of  the  common  law.  Thus  it  appeared  to 
me  that  while  the  law  inculcated  morality,  it  upheld 
fraud — an  inconsistency  which  could  not  but  be 
highly  injurious  to  the  integrity  of  mankind.  The 
judge  charged  the  jury,  that  though  there  was  not 
the  least  doubt  that  the  property  was  purchased 
in  fee  simple  for  ever,  and  that  it  was  both  unjust 
and  unreasonable  to  deprive  me  of  it — yet,  as  by 
the  common  law,  which  was  undoubtedly  the  per- 
fection of  reason,  I  had  no  title  to  the  possession, 
they  must  of  necessity  find  against  me.  As  by 
the  common  law  and  indeed  the  law  in  general,  a 
jury  is  considered  as  having  no  comprehension  of 
any  thing  but  matter  of  fact,  a  verdict  was  given 
against  me  as  a  matter  of  course.  The  opposite 
party  condoled  with  me  on  this  untoward  result ; 


208 

but  comforted  me  at  the  same  time  with  the  assu- 
rance that  though  he  had  an  undoubted  claim  to 
♦he  back  rents,  for  at  least  half  a  hundred  years,  still 
he  was  too  generous  to  bring  it  forward  against  me. 

Thus  does  the  law  visit  the  sins  of  the  father  upon 
the  children  to  the  third  and  fourth  generation,  and 
thus  was  I  dispossessed  of  three  estates,  one  aftei 
'lie  other — the  first,  by  the  authority  of  my  lord  chiei 
justice  Bridlegoose,  who  was  good  enough  to  decide 
upon  my  case  without  my  knowledge  or  consent — 
the  second,  by  the  inexcusable  carelessness  of  one 
ancestor  in  omitting  to  have  his  deed  sealed,  as  well 
as  signed — and  the  third,  because  another  of  my 
ancestors,  forgot  that  in  buying  for  himself  he  was 
not  buying  for  his  heirs.  I  think,  however,  I  may 
say  with  perfect  truth,  that  the  trouble  my  losses 
gave  me  was  nothing  to  the  trouble  I  had  to  recon- 
cile these  decisions  to  the  wisdom  of  ages  and 
the  perfection  of  reason.  My  perplexity  was  such, 
that  I  fell  sick,  and  for  some  time  became  actually 
deranged  in  the  attempt  to  bring  about  this  hope- 
less reconciliation.  In  short,  I  fairly  lost  my  wits 
in  searching  for  the  wisdom  of  ages  and  the  perfec- 
tion of  reason  in  the  inextricable  labyrinth  of  the 
common  law.  When  I  recovered,  I  was  told  that 
during  my  temporary  alienation  of  mind,  I  had  de- 
livered more  than  one  legal  opinion,  that  would 
have  done  honour  to  a  lord  chancellor. 

On  my  recovery,  my  thoughts  naturally  turned 


209 

to  the  state  of  my  affairs.  What,  with  the  wisdom 
of  ages,  the  perfection  of  reason,  and  judge  Bridle- 
goose,  I  had  scarcely  sufficient  left  for  the  support 
of  a  gentleman.  1  had  a  few  thousands  in  the 
funds,  but  did  not  know  how  soon  I  should  be  de- 
prived of  these,  by  the  decision  of  judge  Bridle- 
goose,  or  some  new  luminary  of  the  law  that  might 
spring  up  in  foreign  parts,  to  my  utter  confusion  and 
ruin.  In  casting  about  for  the  best  means  of  re- 
trieving my  affairs,  an  opening  seemed  to  present 
itself  in  the  pursuits  of  commerce.  I  saw  hun- 
dreds around  me,  apparently  sporting  in  the  sun- 
shine of  wealth,  and  rising  from  nothing  to  the 
summit  of  opulence,  as  if  my  magic.  I  resolved 
to  commence  business,  upon  the  capital  I  had  still 
left,  and  the  experience  I  had  acquired  in  the  com- 
mon law.  1  flattered  myself  I  understood  Caveat 
Emptor  pretty  well,  and  with  it  all  the  mysteries  of 
bargaining. 

I  must  apologize  for  the  transactions  of  that  por- 
tion of  my  life  upon  which  I  am  now  entering.  I 
confess,  when  I  look  back  I  am  ashamed  of  it.  But 
we  have  covenanted  to  disguise  nothing  from  each 
other,  and  I  shall  not  spare  myself.  Thus  much, 
however,  I  will  offer  in  extenuation.  I  had  been 
accustomed  from  my  earliest  youth  to  consider  the 
common  law,  not  only  as  the  perfection  of  reason, 
but  as  the  standard  of  moral  obligation,  the  guardi- 
an of  ignorance,  the  protector  of  weakness ;  and 
18* 


:210 

ihe  shield  of  the  oppressed.  But  I  had  appealed 
to  it  to  avenge  frauds  committed  upon  me  in  vain, 
and  I  had  heen  stripped  of  a  large  portion  of  my 
property,  by  decisions  which  my  own  reason,  that 
guide  and  monitor  which  is  the  only  true  prompter 
of  man's  conscience,  proclaimed  were  not  only  un- 
just, but  absurd  and  ridiculous.  These  decisions 
had  not  only  weakened  my  respect  for  the  laws, 
but  my  perceptions  of  right  and  wrong.  Awed  by 
the  authority  of  ancient  usages,  and  great  names  to 
support  them,  I  was  often  tempted  to  think,  that  I 
had  myself  mistaken  the  immutable  principles  of 
morality  and  justice,  and  that  the  laws  were  after 
all  the  only  unerring  standard.  In  that  case,  I  had 
a  right  to  make  use  of  the  experience  I  had  so 
dearly  purchased,  and  to  avail  myself  of  the  know- 
ledge which  had  cost  me  so  much.  Heaven  knows 
I  had  paid  dear  enough  for  it,  and  I  thought  I  might 
exert  it,  agreeably  to  the  precepts  of  the  wisdom  of 
ages  and  the  perfection  of  reason.  In  fine,  gentle- 
men, I  believe  it  will  too  frequently  be  found,  that 
a  man  who  often  appeals  in  vain  to  the  laws  when 
his  own  reason  and  conscience  teach  him  that  his 
cause  is  just;  or  who  suffers  by  their  operation, 
without  any  fault  of  his  own,  will  be  very  apt  either 
to  take  the  law  into  his  own  hands,  or  revenge  his 
injuries  and  disappointments,  by  converting  his 
dear  bought  experience  into  the  means  of  repairing 
his  losses,  at  the  expense  of  others.     There  is  no- 


211 

thing  perhaps  which  is  so  productive  of  violence 
and  fraud,  as  a  general  want  of  confidence  in  the 
justice  of  the  laws. 

I  confess  with  shame  and  contrition  that  I  enter- 
ed into  trade  with  a  full  resolution  of  making  Ca- 
veat Emptor  pay  back  all  it  had  deprived  me  of  in 
the  whole  course  of  my  life.  I  was  not  quite  a 
rogue  ;  but  I  was  sufficiently  so  I  fear  to  go  to  the 
full  length  morality  of  the  common  law — and  that 
is  far  enough  in  all  conscience.  Preparatory  to  com- 
mencing business,  I  determined  to  reduce  my  esta- 
blishment, which  indeed  I  had  not  the  means  of  keep- 
ing up  any  longer.  In  the  first  place,  I  cast  about 
how  to  dispose  of,  to  the  best  advantage,  my  famous 
span  of  horses,  which  I  was  resolved  to  believe 
most  firmly,  were  not  only  both  horses,  but  both  per- 
fectly sound  and  free  from  fault — they  having  been 
so  pronounced  by  the  perfection  of  reason.  By  the 
way,  gentlemen,  my  last  purchase,  turned  out  a  bad 
bargain  in  other  respects,  having  all  the  obstinacy 
of  her  sex,  and  as  many  tricks  as  a  monkey. 

There  was  an  old  lady,  a  neighbour  of  mine, 
very  rich,  and  nearly  blind,  who  had  an  old  coach- 
man half  blind  himself,  and  so  phlegmatic,  that 
whenever  he  drove  his  mistress  an  airing,  a  plea- 
sant, lively,  talkative  young  lady,  of  the  neighbour- 
hood, was  always  invited  to  be  of  the  party,  to  sit 
on  the  front  seat,  and  keep  him  awake  by  inces- 
sant  talking.     In    short,   the  lady    was    old,   the 


212 

coachman  old,  all  the  servants  of  the  establish- 
ment so  old,  that  they  had  hardly  one  of  the  five 
senses  in  perfection — the  horses  and  carriage  were 
old,  and  the  cats  and  dogs  so  very  old,  that  they 
had  outlived  their  instincts,  and  lay  down  like  the 
lion  and  the  lamb  in  peace  together. 

This  worthy  old  lady,  hearing  I  was  going  to 
break  up  housekeeping,  took  it  into  her  head  to 
buy  my  horses,  to  replace  her  own,  one  of  which 
had  been  knocked  up  in  the  desperate  effort  to  trot 
down  a  hill.  I  sent  them  over  for  her  to  look  at, 
and  the  whole  household  turned  out  1  was  told  to 
examine  their  points.  There  was  not  a  good  eye 
among  the  whole  of  them.  The  old  lady  bought 
my  span,  and  the  very  next  day,  being  Sunday,  set 
forth  to  a  neighbouring  church  to  exhibit  her  new 
acquisition.  She  arrived  there,  after  no  small 
vexation  and  delay,  owing  to  the  vagaries  of  the 
ever  memorable  feminine  horse  which  has  hereto- 
fore figured  in  my  story.  She  had  a  habit  of  stop- 
ping short  now  and  then,  but  was  not  otherwise  vi- 
cious ;  and  it  was  worth  while  to  see  the  one  eyed 
gentleman,  her  companion,  turn  round  and  look  at 
her  on  these  occasions,  as  if  to  ask  an  explanation, 
lie  was  certainly  a  horse  of  great  parts,  though  he 
had  but  one  eye  and  was  broken-winded. 

There  was  not  a  soul  at  church  but  knew  my 
horses,  and  had  heard  the  story  of  the  mysterious 
animal  that  was  a  horee  in  the  eye  of  the  law,  and 


213 


•i  mare  in  the  eves  of  every  body  else.     They  all 
flocked  round,  and  the  tale  was  repeated  at  least 
two  hundred  times.     Never  since  the  days  of  Gil 
Bias'  mule,  was  an  animal  so  taken  to  pieces,  criti- 
cised, reviewed,  and  held  up  to  nought,  as  were 
those  of  the  good  old  lady.     She  was  in  such  a 
passion,  that  when  she  got  home,  she  could  not  tell 
either  chapter  or  verse  of  the  text.     The   next 
morning  she  sent   them   over,   with  a  tart  note, 
charging  me  with  deception,  and  demanding  her 
money  back  again. 

"Caveat  Emptor!"  cried  I,  and  snapt  my  fin- 
gers  at  the  old  lady,  just  as  .the  horse  jockey  did  at 
me.     J  was  sure  I  had  the  common  law  on  my  side 
this  time,  and  defied  justice  and  all  her  works.     1 
had  given  no  warranty,  and  had  not  even  verbally 
answered  for  my  horses.     The  old  lady  brought  a 
suit ;  but  I  cared  not  a  rush  for  it,  and  only  cau- 
tioned my  lawyer  to  ply  them  well  with  Caveat 
hmptor,  whenever  he  had  an  opportunity.    I  ought 
to  mention  there  was  a  new  judge  on  the  bench  ; 
the  admirer  of  judge  Bridlegoose  and  his  decisions, 
being  absent  on   some  account  or  other.     As  ill 
luck  would  have  it  the  brazen  trumpet,  who  by  his 
eloquence  had  wrought  the  jury  to  pronounce  one 
of  these  same  horses,  a  sound  horse  in  the  eye  of 
the  common  law,  was  again  opposed  to  me. 

In  the  first  place,  the  old  lady  proved  the  horses 
were  both  bad.  But  this  I  did  not  mind,  so  Ion* 
as  I  had  honest  Caveat  Emptor  on  my  side. 


J14 

In  the  second  place,  she  proved  that  I  knew  they 
were  had.  The  counsel  read  the  record  of  the  de- 
cision, by  which  I  had  the  blinker  thrown  on  my 
hands,  to  prove  him  an  unsound  horse.  Now  this 
was  the  very  decision  on  which  I  had  relied,  in  con- 
junction with  Caveat  Emptor,  to  bring  me  off  with 
Jiving  colours.  I  calculated  to  prove  by  it,  that  as 
he  had  been  decided  virtually  at  least,  io  be  ;i 
sound  animal,  by  being  thrown  on  my  hands  as  a 
fair  purchase,  I  had  a  right  to  dispose  of  him  as 
such  at  any  time. 

After  the  testimony  was  concluded,  the  brazen 
trumpet  attacked  me  w.ith  the  whole  force  of  his 
lungs,  and  tore  me  all  to  nought,  for  doing  exact  ly 
what  the  perfection  of  reason  authorises  everybody 
to  do — making  use  of  my  superior  knowledge  in 
bargaining.  I  am  sure  I  had  paid  for  it.  He  con- 
tradicted every  word  he  said  on  a  former  trial, 
and  made  me  out  to  be  one  of  the  greatest  rogues 
in  existence.  And  so  I  was,  for  aught  I  know,  for 
I  had  been  corrupted  by  the  common  law,  and 
Ccrnat  Emptor.  My  old  counsel  made  an  excel- 
lent defence — indeed  he  and  the  other  counsel, 
seemed  to  have  exchanged  souls,  or  at  least  tongues 
on  this  occasion.  I  remarked  that  the  trumpet 
used  the  very  same  arguments  against  me  as  de- 
fendant, that  my  present  counsel  did  in  my  favour 
when  I  was  plaintiff,  in  a  similar  suit,  and  that  on 
the   contrary  my  counsel  borrowed  his  old  argu- 


rriqnts  to  apply  to  this  new  suit.  All  this  struck 
me  as  odd,  but  I  suppose  the  perfection  of  reason 
consists  in  the  capacity  of  accommodating  itself  to 
time  and  occasion.  But  it  was  the  argument  of 
the  judge  that  threw  me  into  despair. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,"  said  he,  "  the  common 
law  is  not  only  the  wisdom  of  ages,  and  the  perfec- 
tion of  reason,  but  it  is  likewise  essentially  a  moral 
code  which  at  the  same  time  that  it  protects  and 
vindicates  the  rights  of  the  people,  teaches  them 
their  duties.  The  learned  counsel  for  the  defend- 
ant has  relied  mainly  upon  the  suit,  which  has  just 
been  cited,  in  which  the  very  horse  now  in  ques- 
tion, was  decided  to  be  a  fair  purchase  and  left  on 
his  hands.  He  contends  that  this  decision  was  in 
etFect  sanctioning  the  practice  of  imposing  an  un- 
sound animal  upon  a  purchaser,  or  at  least  if  not 
so,  he  contends  that  it  decided  the  character  of  the 
horse  as  a  sound  animal,  in  the  eye  of  the  common 
law. 

"Gentlemen,  the  learned  counsel  forgets,  that 
though  this  is  the  same  horse,  the  court  and  jury 
are  very  different  from  those  which  decided  the 
former  case.  My  worthy  brother,  for  whose  learn- 
ing, sagacity  and  legal  acumen,  I  have  the  most  ex- 
alted respect,  is,  however,  I  must  be  permitted  to 
say,  rather  too  much  under  the  thumb  of  Caveat 
Emptor,  and  follows  the  practice  of  the  English 
judges,  who  I  think  give  it  too  great  a  latitude  in 


216 

covering  fraud  and  deception.  Now,  I,  gentlemen, 
incline  to  the  doctrines  of  Grotius,  Wolf  and  oth- 
ers of  the  writers  on  natural  law,  which  rests  in 
fact  on  the  same  basis  with  the  common  law,  and 
who  mingle  a  considerable  portion  of  equity  in  their 
ideas  of  covenants.  They  differ  with  many  of  the 
English  authorities,  in  their  exposition  of  the 
maxim  of  Caveat  Emptor,  and  consequently  in  their 
estimate  of  the  degree  of  diligence  and  circum- 
spection necessary  in  the  buyer,  and  the  latitude 
to  be  given  to  the  seller  in  disguising,  or  making 
use  of  his  superior  knowledge  in  the  article  of 
which  he  is  about  to  dispose. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  I  am  free  to  confess, 
that  though,  in  some  respects,  I  agree  with  preced- 
ing authorities,  in  others  1  differ  from  them  all,  and 
so  differing  I  shall  take  leave  to  consult  my  own 
ideas  of  justice  in  this  case. 

"  In  the  first  place,  there  is  a  manifest  distinction 
between  being  silent  as  to  defects  in  the  article 
which  forms  the  subject  of  the  covenant,  and  frau- 
dulently concealing  them.  By  merely  being  silent 
on  these  defects,  you  practise  no  deception,  be- 
cause you  leave  the  buyer  the  free  use  of  his  eyes, 
and  other  senses,  which  are  the  guides  and  guardi- 
ans of  human  nature  in  all  the  ordinary  transac- 
tions of  life.  If  the  buyer  should  chance  to  be 
ignorant  of  the  nature  and  value  of  the  article, 
that  is  his  own  fault ;  the  seller  is  not  obliged  to 


217 

instruct  him  to  his  own  damage  and  loss.  He  had 
in  fact  no  business  to  purchase  an  article  of  the 
qualities  and  value  of  which  he  was  totally  igno- 
rant. Ignorance  is  not  involuntary — it  is  in  the 
nature  of  a  blameable  negligence  not  to  acquire 
knowledge — and  as  fgnorantia  legis  neminem  excu- 
sat,  so  ignorance  of  the  points  that  constitute  the 
value,  or  of  the  defects  which  diminish  the  value 
of  a  horse,  is  no  ground  for  vacating  a  covenant, 
or  recovering  damages. 

"  But,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  it  is  far  otherwise 
with  those  natural  and  involuntary  defects  which 
render  it  impossible  for  a  person  to  be  a  judge  of 
the  article  purchased.  The  plaintiff  in  this  suit  is 
an  elderly  lady,  who  in  the  first  place,  lies  under 
no  sort  of  obligation  to  become  acquainted  with 
the  value  of  horses — her  ignorance  is  therefore  no 
bar  in  law  to  recovering  in  this  suit.  Had  the  de- 
eeption  been  practised  in  the  purchase  and  sale  of 
a  carpet,  a  silk  gown,  or  any  article  of  that  kind, 
of  which  females  are  bound  to  be  judges,  it  would 
have  been  a  different  affair  altogether.  But  not 
only  is  the  plainiifF  not  obliged  by  her  sex  to  be- 
come a  judge  of  horses,  but  if  she  were,  it  is  in 
proof,  that  she  has  become  incapacitated  by-  a  de- 
fect in  the  organs  of  vision.  Now,  gentlemen, 
physical  defects  are  viewed  in  a  very  different 
light  by  the  common  law,  from  defects  of  know- 
ledge., judgment  and  experience.  To  impose  upon 
19 


218 

an  ignorant  person,  is  held  lawful  ;  but  to  import 
upon  one  who  is  incapable  from  nature  or  infirmity, 
of  judging,  is  fraud.  These  distinctions  are  found- 
ed in  the  wisdom  of  ages  and  the  perfection  of  rea- 
son. 1  am,  therefore,  of  opinion,  that  the  defend- 
ant  take  back  his  horses,  return  the  purchase  mo- 
ney, and  pay  the  costs  of  the  prosecution." 

Thus  was  I  obliged  to  receive  back  my  horses, 
in  spite  of  Caveat  Emptor,  who  seemed  destined 
in  one  way  or  other  to  be  my  utter  ruin.  I  could 
not  help  complaining  to  myself,  that  I  had  been 
obliged  to  keep  them  on  my  hands  after  being 
cheated  in  the  purchase,  solely  because  one  judge 
had  no  opinion  of  his  own  ;  and  now  was  obliged 
to  receive  them  again,  merely  because  anothep 
judge  chose  to  have  an  opinion  of  his  own.  If 
the  judges  had  only  been  exchanged,  I  might  have 
gained  both  suits — as  it  was,  both  were  decided 
againstme.  "  What  a  misfortune,"  thought  I,  "  that 
though  the  common  law  is  always  the  same, 
the  judges  are  so  different,  and  that  the  per- 
fection of  reason  should  be  expounded  by  persons 
whose  reason  is  so  imperfect!"  Fearful  that  my 
horses  would  play  me  some  more  tricks,  I  took  the 
first  opportunity  to  give  them  away — taking  the 
precaution  to  accompany  the  donation  by  a  special 
warranty,  certifying  one  to  be  unsound,  and  the 
other  worth  nothing. 

Having  got  these  incumbrances  fairly  off  my 


hands,  I  invested  the  remainder  of  my  fortune  in 
trade,  and  plunged  in  the  mysteries  of  buying  and 
selling,  under  the  guidance  and  protection  of  ho- 
nest Caveat  Emptor,  notwithstanding  the  many  ill 
turns  I  had  received  at  his  hands.  I  purchased  ar- 
ticles at  a  low  price  and  sold  at  a  high  one,  always 
taking  care  to  avoid  any  express  warranty;  and 
though  I  was  from  time  to  time  sued  by  the  ignorant 
for  thus  making  a  legal  use  of  my  superior  know- 
ledge, I  always  escaped  with  flying  colours,  under 
the  broad  shield  of  Caveat  Emptor,  who  1  will 
do  him  the  justice  to  say,  stood  by  me  like  a 
brave  fellow.  Thus  I  sailed  before  the  wind  for 
some  time  and  laid  up  money.  My  avarice  as 
usual  expanded  with  my  acquisitions,  and  1  deter- 
mined to  launch  out  into  foreign  trade.  I  accord- 
ingly purchased  a  large  ship,  which  the  owner  as- 
sured me  was  one  of  the  finest  vessels  that  ever 
sailed  the  salt  seas,  and  put  in  her  a  valuable  cargo, 
for  Europe.  In  order  to  cover  all  losses,  I  made 
insurance  for  the  full  amount  of  vessel  and  cargo, 
and  despatched  her  on  her  voyage.  This  time,  I 
happened  to  be  perfectly  honest.  I  believed  the 
vessel  to  be  an  excellent  one,  in  all  respects,  for 
as  such  I  had  bought  her,  and  the  cargo  was  pre- 
cisely as  I  had  represented  it  to  be.  It  was  on  my 
part,  I  solemnly  assure  you,  a  fair  transaction. 

About  a  month  from  the  sailing  of  my  great  ship, 
news  came  that  she  had  sprung  a-leak,  a  few  days 


220 

Qiter  getting  to  sea,  and  was  run  ashore,  where  she 
went  to  pieces.  However,  this  gave  me  no  very 
great  uneasiness,  as  1  calculated  on  being  complete- 
ly covered  by  the  policy  of  insurance.  To  my  sur- 
prise and  mortification,  payment  was  positively  re- 
fused on  the  ground  that  1  had  practised  fraud,  or 
at  least  deception.  Even  if  this  had  been  the  fact, 
I  should  have  relied  on  my  friend  Caveat  Emptor 
to  bring  me  off — but  I  was  entirely  innocent, 
and  innocence,  although  of  little  weight  in  the 
eye  of  the  perfection  of  reason,  is  of  sonic  value 
in  keeping  up  a  man's  courage.  1  commen- 
ced a  suit  lor  the  recovery  of  my  money,  in  full 
confidence  of  not  only  haying  the  law,  but  justice 
likewise  on  my  side. 

But,  miserable  is  the  man  who  depends  upon  his 
innocence  in  a  suit  at  common  law  ;  he  might  better 
depend  upon  his  guilt,  for  guilt  is  careful  if  possi- 
ble to  get  the  law  on  its  side,  while  innocence  relies 
upon  itself.  The  defence  of  the  insurers  was,  that  1 
had  practised  a  fraud  in  representing  the  vessel  to  be 
what  she  was  not.  It  was  proved  by  the  honest 
gentleman,  of  whom  1  had  bought  her,  that  she  was 
not  only  not  a  first  rate  vessel,  but  quite  the  contra- 
ry. That  he  had  built  her  to  sell,  and  that  both  in 
materials  and  workmanship,  she  was  defective  in  a 
very  great  degree.  The  captai  i  and  mate,  who 
had  escaped  the  wreck,  also  testified,  that  she  was 
rotten  in  many  of  her  timbers,  leaky,  and  in  fact 


221 

not  seaworthy.  They  would  not  have  trusted  them- 
selves in  her,  if  they  had  known  her  condition. 

Here  I  took  the  liberty  to  ask,  how  I,  who  was 
totally  ignorant  of  ships,  could  be  supposed  to  know 
of  defects,  which  had  escaped  the  eyes  of  profes- 
sional men  ? 

"  Caveat  Emptor  /"  replied  the  court.  I  acqui- 
esced, without  a  murmur,  for  I  relied  less  upon  my 
innocence  on  this  occasion,  than  upon  my  friend 
Caveat  Emptor.  'Tis  a  bad  rule  that  wont  work 
both  ways,  thought  I,  for  I  had  not  become  suffi- 
ciently aware  what  a  trimming  turn-coat  rascal  this 
Caveat  Emptor  was,  and  how  he  changed  sides, 
with  as  little  ceremony  as  a  first  rate  politician.  I 
desired  my  counsel  to  lose  no  opportunity  of  touch- 
ing them  up  with  Caveat  Emptor,  but  he  struck  me 
dumb  by  replying — 

"  My  dear  friend,  Caveat  Emptor  won't  do  in  this 
case." 

"  Then  the  Lord  have  mercy  upon  me,"  I  exclaim- 
ed in  despair — "  if  honest  Caveat  goes  over  to  the 
enemy  I  am  a  dead  man." 

I  pass  over  the  arguments  of  the  counsel,  who 
marshalled  armies  of  judges  and  volumes  of  deci- 
sions, one  against  the  other,  and  made  such  a  variety 
©f  beautiful  distinctions,  that  not  a  single  man  in 
court,  gifted  with  common  sense,  could  tell  black 
from  whito,  of  make  out  what  the  law  was  for  the 
19* 


222 

soul  o/him.     But  the  charge  of  the  judge  deserve^ 
to  be  remembered  as  a  warning  to  posterity. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,"  said  he,  "  the  principle 
involved  in  the  case  before  you,  has  been  settled 
by  so  many  solemn  decisions  in  the  English  courts, 
that  no  argument,  or  decision  of  mine  can  fix  it 
more  irrevocably.  Jt  is  only  necessary,  therefore, 
to  state  one  or  tw  o  nice  distinctions,  and  to  recapi- 
tulate the  arguments  on  which  it  is  to  be  presumed 
these  decisions  were  founded. 

'*  The  plaintitf  hinted  in  (he  course  of  the  trial, 
that  he  expected  to  avail  himself  of  the  maxim 
Caveat  Emptor,  but  it  is  hardly  necessary  to  tell  you 
that  it  does  not  apply  in  this  case.  Gentlemen,  the 
common  law  being  the  perfection  of  reason,  ac- 
commodates itself  ;n  the  happiest  manner  to  the  ac 
cidents  of  situation  and  circumstance.  It  is  immu- 
table, and  unalterable — yet.  it  is  dtfferent  and  varia- 
ble. It  is  founded  in  the  wisdom  of  ages — and  it 
contradicts  itself  without  the  least  inconsistency.  I 
will  acknowledge,  gentlemen,  that  had  this  been  an 
affair  of  the  land,  instead  of  the  water,  the  maxim 
Caveat  Emptor  would  go  to  exonerate  the  plaintifi 
from  all  suspicion  of  fraud,  but  happening  as  it  did 
on  the  water,  the  case  is  diametrically  opposite. 
And  the  distinction  most  strikingly  exemplifies  the 
wisdom  of  the  common  law.  Gentlemen  of  the 
jury,  there  is  one  species  of  animals  for  the  earth, 
and  another  for  the  sea — there  is  one  kind  of  vehi- 


223 

clc  for  ploughing  the  fields,  and  another  for  plough- 
ing the  ocean — and  there  is  also  one  law  for  the 
land,  and  another  for  the  water.  As  well  mi^ht 
you  attempt  to  go  to  sea  in  a  plough,  or  turn  up  the 
earth  with  the  keel  of  a  ship  of  the  line— as  well 
might  you  travel  by  land  on  the  back  of  a  whale, 
or  cross  the  seas  mounted  on  an  elephant— as  to 
apply  the  same  maxims  of  law  to  the  ocean  and  the 
land.  The  elephant  would  drown  in  the  fathomless 
deep,  and  if  I  might  be  allowed  the  personification, 
Caveat  Emptor  cannot  breathe  in  the  atmosphere 
of  salt-water  ;  his  lungs  are  too  weak  for  it. 

"  Hence,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  it  follows  from 
strict  deduction  of  analogy,  that  there  must  of  ne- 
cessity be  a  law  for  the  land  and  a  law  for  the  sea, 
or  the  law  could  not  possibly  be  the  perfection  of 
reason.  Hence  too,  it  is  law,  that  when  a  man 
buys  a  ship  ready  built,  the  parties  being  on  Terra 
Firma,  he  does  it  at  his  peril,  and  must  look  out  for 
Caveat  Emptor.  But  if,  on  the  contrary,  he  pur- 
chases  a  vessel,  the  parties  being  on  the  water,  I 
should  say  that  Caveat  Emptor  would  not  apply. 
However  this  may  be,  I  have  no  hesitation  in  say- 
ing, that  though  the  buyer  of  a  ship  is  hound  to  be- 
ware, the  person  who  insures  her  is  entirely  exone- 
rated from  that  obligation.  In  the  one  case  if  the 
buyer  purchases  a  bad  vessel  it  is  at  his  own  risk  ; 
in  the  other,  if  the  insurer  takes  a  risk  upon  her,  it 
is  not  necessary  in  the  eye  of  the  perfection  of  rea- 


224 

son,  that  he  too  should  beware.  Again,  gentlemen 
of  the  jury,  a  man  on  land  has  a  perfect  right  by 
the  common  law,  to  make  use  of  his  superior  know- 
ledge of  certain  articles  of  merchandise  in  disposing 
of  them  to  another  who  has  not  an  equal  know- 
ledge ;  but  he  has  no  right  to  the  benefits  either  of 
superior  knowledge  or  superior  ignorance,  in  deal- 
ing with  an  insurance  company,  which,  though  not 
exactly  a  sea  animal,  is  a  sort  of  amphibious  mon- 
ster, entitled  to  the  privileges  of  both  elements. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  counsel  for  the 
plaintiff  in  this  suit  has  relied  upon  a  decision,  in  a 
cause  where  he  himself  was  obliged  to  take  up  with 
a  broken-winded  horse  he  had  purchased,  by  virtue 
of  the  maxim  Caveat  Emptor.  But  this  case  re- 
sembles the  present  in  no  one  ground  of  principle. 
Between  the  delects  of  a  horse  and  those  of  a  ship 
there  can  be  no  possible  analogy.  Whoever  heard 
of  a  ship  being  broken-winded  or  blind  of  an  eye,  op 
indeed  having  an)  eyes  but  dead  eyes,  which  in  the 
eye  of  the  common  law  are  no  eyes  at  all  ?  If  the 
animal  had  been  a  Sea  horse,  I  am  not  quite  cleat 
that  there  might  not  be  some  ground  of  analogy  on 
which  to  found  an  application  of  the  same  principle 
equally  to  both  cases.  As  it  is,  gentlemen,  you  must 
find  for  the  defendants,  in  spile  of  Caveat  Emptor." 
I  had  now  but  one  resource  against  absolute 
poverty,  to  which  nothing  can  reconcile  a  reasonable 
man,  but  the  reflection  that  it  puts  him  in  some 


225 

measure  beyond  the  reach  of  the  laws.  Without 
money  he  cannot  sue  ;  and  without  it  there  is  no 
cause  for  his  being  sued.  He  may  therefore  snap 
his  ringers  at  the  perfection  of  reason  and  defy  Satan 
and  all  his  works,  among  the  worst  of  which  I 
reckon  the  subtilties  of  the  law.  1  made  one  effort 
more  ;  I  brought  an  action  against  the  person  who 
sold  me  the  ship,  which  it  had  just  been  decided  to 
be  a  fraud  for  me  to  get  insured.  I  had  only  to 
produce  the  record  of  that  trial  to  prove  that  I  had 
been  deceived  in  the  purchase.  But  the  case  was 
now  altered — there  was  one  law  for  the  land,  and 
another  for  the  sea  ;  and  my  old  friend  Caveat  Emp- 
tor once  more  changed  sides  to  my  utter  confusion. 
There  being  no  actual  warranty,  the  court  in- 
structed the  jury,  "  that  according  to  the  maxim  Ca- 
veat Emptor,  it  was  my  own  fault  if  1  bought  a  bad 
vessel,  although  the  price  I  paid  might  furnish  pre- 
sumptive evidence  I  thought  her  a  good  one.  The 
plaintiff  has  relied  on  the  decision  of  this  court, 
in  a  case  where  it  was  decided  partly  upon  the 
evidence  of  the  seller  of  this  very  vessel,  that  she 
was  not  sea-worthy,  to  prove  that  the  defendant 
knew  she  was  so  at  the  time  he  sold  her  to  the 
plaintiff.  Now  there  is  no  proof  that  he  did  ac- 
tually know  the  situation  of  the  vessel  st  the  precise 
moment  of  making  the  bargain.  He  might  have 
become  acquainted  with  these  defects  afterwards, 
for  aught  we  know.     But  at  all  events,  if  he  did 


226 

know,  he  was  not  bound  to  disclose  them.  The 
defendant  in  this  cause,  is  a  seaman  by  profession,, 
and  once  commanded  this  very  ship.  Now,  gen. 
tlemen,  it  is  a  maxim  in  law,  accusare  nemo  se  debet. 
&c,  and  it  is  a  common,  saying,  which  amounts  to  a 
precept  of  common  law,  that  "  every  sailor  is  a 
piece  of  his  ship  ;"  of  course  he  cannot  be  bound  in 
law  or  justice  to  disclose  her  defects.  1  am  free  to 
acknowledge  that  this  is  a  hard  case,  but  that  is 
neither  your  fault  nor  mine.  The  law  must  have 
its  course,  let  what  will  become  of  morality  and 
justice  ;  for  it  is  a  maxim  in  law,  that  injustice  to 
individuals  is  the  good  of  the  whole.  There  is  no 
other  foundation,  under  the  common  law,  for  indi- 
vidual right,  but  individual  wrong ;  and  as  one 
man's  meat  is  another  man's  poison,  so  the  decision 
of  a  law-suit,  in  opposition  to  reason  and  conscience, 
only  the  more  firmly  establishes  the  perfection  of 
reason.  It  is  with  law  as  with  religion.  Each  has 
its  martyrs,  whose  sacrifice  is  the  strongest  possible 
proof  of  th  divinity  of  its  origin.  Gentlemen  of 
the  jury,  you  will  find  for  the  defendant  on  the 
ground  that  Caveat  Emptor." 

Thus  was  I,  like  many  of  my  fellow  men,  ruined 
by  the  very  friend  upon  whom  I  placed  the  greatest 
reliance.  Caveat  Emptor,  whether  as  friend  or  foe, 
seemed  destined  to  be  my  bane  in  conjunction  with 
the  perfection  ui  reason.  I  had  now  nothing  left 
in  the  world,  but  a  thirty-sixth  part,  as  tenant  in 


227 

common,  of  a  piece  of  land  about  thirty  feet  square, 
in  one  of  the  out  wards  of  my  native  city  ;  together 
with  a  claim  of  very  considerable  amount,  on  a  mer- 
chant in  a  neighbouring  seaport  town.  This  last  1 
determined  to  put  in  suit  in  good  time.  But  first 
I  took  special  care  to  find  out  how  honest  Caveat 
Emptor  stood  affected  towards  me,  in  this  particu- 
lar instance.  To  my  great  content,  I  discovered 
that  my  case  did  not  turn  upon  that  pivot  at  all. 
I  then  proceeded  to  apply  all  my  dear  bought  know- 
ledge to  the  case — consulted  the  laws — ransacked 
the  decisions  of  every  court  for  precedents—applied 
principles,  and  in  short,  had,  as  I  thought,  made 
myself  thoroughly  master  of  the  whole  subject. 
After  this,  to  make  all  sure,  1  wrote  out  a  fair  state- 
ment of  my  case,  and  sent  it  with  a  fee  to  two  of  the 
first  counsel  of  the  place  where  my  antagonist  re- 
sided. They  assured  me  my  claim  was  perfectly 
good.  Upon  this  1  sent  him  a  defiance,  at  least  my 
counsel  did,  of  twenty  folio  pages.  He  accepted 
the  challenge  and  1  was  to  meet  him  on  his  own 
ground  in  the  course  of  a  few  months,  to  decide  the 
matter  then  and  there,  according  to  law. 

I  was  on  the  spot  in  time,  as  confident  of  victory 
as  ever  was  knight  errant,  gifted  with  an  enchanted 
sword,  and  invulnerable  armour.  The  trial  opened, 
and  after  some  little  preliminary  forms,  the  lawyer 
©n  the  opposite  side  got  up  and  began  to  talk  about: 
something  that  Lord  Ellenborough,  and  a  late  de- 


ceased  chief  justice  of  Pennsylvania  had  though i 
and  decided  in  a  certain  case  of  Twaddle  vs. 
Tweedle.  What  the  plague  have  I  to  do  with 
Twaddle  vs.  Tweedle,  thought  I,  in  no  little  per- 
plexity at  finding  that  my  cause  was  in  danger  of 
being  decided  by  the  ghosts  of  Lord  Ellenborough 
and  the  chief  justice  of  Pennsylvania,  instead  of  the 
chief  justice  then  sitting  on  the  bench  before  me. 

My  astonishment  was  increased  tenfold,  on  hear- 
ing my  counsel  instead  of  saying  any  thing  about 
me  or  my  cause,  begin  to  talk  about  a  certain  law- 
suit between  one  Dick  Harvey  and  a  Mr.  Moody. 
Upon  this,  the  other  side  got  up,  and  talked  about 
the  great  decision  between  Fairbanks  vs.  Fairchild, 
which  it  seems,  was  too  strong  for  Dick  Harvey 
and  Mr.  Moody.  Down  he  popt,  and  up  ju  ped 
we  with  the  still  greater  and  later  decision  of  m} 
Lord  Somebody,  in  the  case  of  Cannon  vs.  Swivel. 
The  opposite  lawyer  was  not  in  the  least  daunted, 
but  produced  another  and  later  decision  of  the  same 
judge,  which  as  he  maintained  nullified  the  other. 
Whose  cause  are  you  trying  ?  whispered  I  to  my 
counsel.  1  thought  mine  was  to  come  on  to-day. 
Before  he  could  answer  me,  the  judge  rose  and  said 
something  about  Locus  in  quo,  whereupon  my  coun- 
sel turned  round  to  me  very  coolly  and  said  — 
"  You've  lost  your  cause."  It  was  too  true,  though 
heaven  is  my  witness  that  to  this  day  I  could  never 
tell  why  or  wherefore.     All  I  know  is  that  Locus  in 


229 

quo  treated  me  quite  as  bad  if  not  worse  than  Caveat 
Emptor,  and  that  between  them  both,  I  had  now 
nothing  left  but  the  thirty-sixth  part  of  thirty  feet 
square  of  land  in  my  native  city.  But  fate  had 
determined  that  I  should  become  a  perfect  martyr 
to  the  perfection  of  reason. 

It  seems  an  industrious  young  lawyer,  having  just 
then  no  business  in  hand,  purchased  out  one  of  the 
joint  tenants,  and  being  very  anxious  to  get  exclu- 
sive possession  of  his  foot  of  land  that  he  might 
improve  it,  applied  for  a  partition.  I  had,  1  con- 
fess, received  notice  of  this,  but  considered  it  a 
trifle  not  worth  attending  to  at  the  time.  But  I 
found  to  my  cost  that  there  are  no  such  things  as 
trifles  in  the  common  law.  On  my  return  from  the 
signal  overthrow  I  had  received  at  the  hands  of 
Locus  in  quo,  I  was  saluted  with  a  bill  of  costs  of 
partition,  amounting  to  considerably  more  than  my 
share  of  the  land  was  worth.  I  was  glad  to  make  it 
over  to  the  professor  of  the  perfection  of  reason, 
for  his  trouble  and  expense  in  procuring  the  parti- 
tion, and  he  generously  relinquished  all  further 
claim  upon  me.  Thus  we  settled  the  partition  by 
my  being  partitioned  out  of  the  last  shilling  of  pro- 
perty that  Caveat  Emptor  and  Locus  in  quo  had 
left  me. 

Gentlemen,  I  hope  you  will  not  think  me  unreason- 
able if,  by  this  time,  I  began  to  lose  my  respect  for  the 
perfection  of  reason.     If  my  worthy  uncle  had  risen 

20 


230 

from  the  grave,  I  don't  think  he  could  have  restored 
it  to  my  good  graces.  Like  a  mistress,  so  full  of 
caprices,  contradictions  and  coquetries,  that  she 
at  last  tires  out  and  disgusts  the  most  ardent  admi- 
rer, the  perfection  of  reason  had  played  me  so 
many  tricks,  that  I  turned  my  back  on  it  in  utter 
disgust.  It  appeared  to  me  that  whatever  the  law 
might  have  been  in  ages  of  comparative  ignorance 
and  simplicity,  it  had  now  become  so  refined  in  its 
distinctions— so  subtle  in  its  metaphysics — so  com- 
plicated and  contradictory  in  its  decisions — so  wea- 
risome and  capricious  in  its  sinuosities,  as  to  be 
compared  to  nothing  but  an  Indian  trail  through 
some  pathless  wilderness,  invisible  to  all  eyes,  un- 
traceable by  all  feet,  save  those  only  which  are 
guided  by  an  infallible  instinct,  the  joint  offspring  of 
nature  and  necessity.  So  far  from  being  the  per- 
fection of  reason,  it  seemed  to  me  nothing  more  than 
the  perfection  of  quibbling  sophistry.  Instead  of  a 
plain  straight  forward  rule  of  action,  simple  in 
itself  and  easy  of  comprehension  to  those  who  are 
to  be  governed  by  its  provisions,  it  appeared  to  my 
awakened  senses  little  else  than  a  farrago  of  con- 
tradictory decisions,  pursued  through  all  the  mazes 
of  inextricable  subtilty  into  the  obscurity  of  fathom- 
less darkness — a  jumble — a  chaos  without  a  sun  to 
enlighten,  or  a  hand  powerful  enough  to  reduce  it  to 
order  and  beauty.  In  short,  under  the  influence  of 
my  perpetual  disappointments  at  the  hands  of  the 


231 

perfection  of  reason,  I  actually  rejoiced  that  I  had 
now  nothing  left  in  the  world,  and  was  consequent!  v 
above  the  laws.  If  any  thing  can  reconcile  a  rea- 
sonable man  to  the  ills  of  poverty,  it  is  the  consoling- 
reflection,  that  he  has  passed  into  that  bourne  where 
the  lawyers  cease  from  troubling,  and  the  client  is 
at  rest. 

The  remainder  of  my  story  is  soon  told.  I  was  a 
ruined  man,  and  that  too,  at  the  hands  of  the  per- 
fection of  reason.  Being  without  the  good  things 
of  this  world,  there  was  nothing  left  me,  but  to  turn 
philosopher,  and  despise  them.  Indeed,  I  have 
always  observed,  that  in  proportion  as  a  man  gets 
money  he  contemns  wisdom,  just  as  he  who  be- 
comes poor  despises  wealth  and  takes  to  wisdom. 
Money  is  certainly  the  root  of  all  evil,  as  every  man 
is  convinced  the  moment  he  sees  it  in  the  hands 
of  others.  There  are  three  things  which  constitute 
as  it  were  the  three  sheet  anchors  that  keep  a 
man  riding  steady  in  the  same  roadstead  all  his  life 
— property,  friends,  and  a  home.  My  fortune  had 
gone  off  with  honest  Caveat  Emptor  and  Locus  in 
quo — my  friends  followed  closely  after — and  as  to 
home — I  was  a  bachelor,,  and  a  bachelor  has  no 
home. 

In  casting  about  for  employment  during  the  re- 
mainder of  my  days,  I  at  length  determined  to 
travel  over  all  parts  of  the  world,  and  return  laden 
with  improvements  from  all  countries  for  the  good 
of  my  own.     I  will  visit,  thought  I,  the  distant  and 


232 

polite  regions  of  the  earth,  and  like  the  bee  return 
laden  with  honey.  I  will  bring  home  with  me  the 
newest  fashions  in  dress,  and  the  latest  opinions  in 
morals — the  most  exquisite  refinements  in  taste, 
and  the  most  fashionable  models  in  literature — the 
rarest  plants,  and  the  most  odoriferous  flowers.  I 
will  introduce  the  thistle  from  Canada — the  black 
rose  and  the  black  swan — mummies  from  Egypt — 
dust  from  the  pyramids,  and  cobwebs  from  the 
catacombs — little  wooden  shoes  and  white  lions 
from  China — paper  systems  and  joint  stock  compa- 
nies from  the  British  isles — Perigord  pies  from 
France,  and  music  from  Italy.  My  return  will  be 
hailed  as  a  new  era,  and  I  shall  be  remembered  as 
the  benefactor  of  my  country  by  a  hundred  succeed- 
ing generations.  But  from  this  I  was  deterred  by 
the  reflection,  that  with  the  exception  of  the  source 
of  the  Niger,  and  the  northwest  passage,  there  was 
nothing  new  to  be  discovered  under  the  sun.  The 
world  had  been  in  fact  ravaged,  not  by  an  irruption 
of  Goths  or  Vandals,  but  by  armies  of  peaceful  war- 
riors, who  instead  of  destroying  with  fire  and  sword, 
deluged  whole  countries  with  bloody  ink,  and  put 
men,  women  and  children  to  the  point  of  the  pen 
without  mercy,  insomuch  that  a  nation  stood  no 
more  chance  of  a  tolerably  decent  character  among 
them,  than  a  man  who  keeps  a  company  waiting 
dinner  two  hours  for  him.  There  was,  in  truth,  not 
a  hole  or  corner,  either  above  or  under  ground,  a 
pyramid,  a  cataract  catacomb,  subterranean  tern- 


233 

pie,  or  inexplicable  oddity  that  had  not  been  ran- 
sacked and  described  half  a  dozen  times  over. 

Like  Alexander,  I  wept  for  a  new  world,  and  re- 
mained in  sorrowing  perplexity,  when,  one  lucky 
day,  at  least  a  dozen  of  them  made  their  appear- 
ance in  the  nick  of  time,  each  ready  to  be  served 
up   in  Paternoster  Row,  to  the  literary  epicures, 
like  boiled  eggs  at  a  breakfast.     I  allude  to  the 
promulgation  of  the  sublime  theory  of  the  concen- 
tric spheres,  which  hath  sufficiently  demonstra- 
ted that  this  globe  of  ours,  instead  of  being  as  it 
were  all  outside  crust,  is  like  the  famous  pie,  which, 
when   opened,  discovered  four-and-twenty   black- 
birds all  gayly  singing  a  beautiful  Italian  air.     Thus, 
in  a  similar  manner,  the  centre  of  this  mundane 
terrene,  when  it  comes  to  be  explored  by  adventu- 
rous travellers,  instead  of  being  tenanted  by  worms, 
ground  hogs,  embryo  locusts,  field  mice,  pismires, 
and  other  inglorious  subterraneans,  will  be  found, 
beyond  doubt,  to  be  peopled  by  an  enlightened  race 
of  illustrious  Troglodites,  who  from  the  very  nature 
of  their  locality  must  of  necessity  see  deeper  into 
a  subject  than  other  people.     At  once  my  mind 
was  made  up.    I  determined  to  seek  these  pure  and 
unsophisticated  mortals  who,  being  thus  retired  from 
the  great  outside  world,  must  of  necessity  be  free 
from   those  vices,  follies,  and   crimes  which  have 
entailed  upon  us  the  disagreeable  necessity  of  being 
governed  by  the  perfection  of  reason. 
20* 


STORY 


OF    THE 


THIRD  WISE  MAN  OF  G0THA3I. 


THE  PERFECTION  OF    SCIENCE. 


Mv  brother  Harmony,  began  the  Third  Wise 
Man  of  Gotham,  has,  it  seems,  been  shipwrecked 
in  pursuit  of  the  Perfectibility  of  Man;  and  my 
brother  Quominus  has  fallen  a  victim  to  the  Per- 
fection  of  Reason,  or  the  Wisdom  of  Ages,  I  can 
hardly  tell  which — 1,  on  the  contrary,  am  the  mar- 
tyr of  Science. 

I  was  born  and  educated  in  the  most  scientific, 
literary,  and  philosophical  city  of  the  world — for 
the  women  were  all  Blues  and  the  men  Metaphy- 
sicians. In  truth,  I  may  say,  with  perfect  veracity, 
there  were  so  many  people  running  after  science, 
that  there  were  not  sciences  enough  for  them  to  run 
after.  The  business  was  overdone  ;  the  game  was 
exhausted,  as  in  countries  too  thickly  settled  and  too 
much  cultivated  ;  and  nothing  was  left  for  them  but 
the  invention  of  new  sciences,  to  give  them  employe 
ment.  Besides,  such  had  been  the  unwearied  indus- 
try, the  deep  sagacity,  with  which  they  had  pursued 
the  old  sciences,  that  they  had  driven  them  from 
their  most  secret  recesses  ;  detected  all  their  arca- 
na ;  exposed  their  occult  mysteries  ;  and,  in  fact, 


238 

pulled  them  by  the  ears,  as  it  were,  out  of  every 
hole  and  corner  where  they  had  entrenched  them- 
selves for  ages.  Strangers,  who  were  allured  to 
the  city  by  the  fame  of  its  learning,  observed  with 
astonishment,  that  the  women  could  call  every 
thing  by  its  scientific  name,  and  that  even  the  very 
children  talked  nearly  as  wisely  as  the  best  of 
them.  Learning,  science,  and  philosophy,  were 
becoming  vulgar,  insomuch  that  several  people 
of  the  highest  rank  and  fashion,  began  to  study 
ignorance,  and  actually  sent  their  children  to  school 
to  unlearn  every  thing.  It  was  high  time,  there- 
fore, for  the  lovers  of  science  to  begin  to  look  about 
them  ;  for  the  writers  and  lecturers  upon  the  old 
Grey  Beard  mathematics,  philosophy,  botany,  and 
chemistry,  instead  of  an  audience  of  pretty  fashion- 
ables, with  nodding  plumes,  were  content  to  con- 
fine their  instructions  to  classes  of  rusty  students, 
who  actually  came  for  no  other  purpose  than  to 
learn.  The  fashionable  young  ladies  began  to  yawn 
at  conversations,  where  they  met  to  relax  them- 
selves with  political  economy  and  metaphysics : 
and  a  universal  alarm  prevailed,  when  a  great  heir- 
ess, who  was  considered  the  bulwark  of  the  blues, 
backslided,  and  married  a  regular  dandy,  with  a  thin 
waist  and  no  learning. 

It  was  high  time  to  get  up  something  new  for 
these  people,  and  as  the  natives  of  our  isle  are  more 
apt  to  improve  upon  the  inventions  of  others  than 


239 

to  invent  any  thing  themselves.  I  was  selected  by 
a  coterie  of  philosophers,  and  sent  out  into  the 
world  to  discover  a  new  plaything  for  these  grown 
up  children  of  knowledge.  I  travelled,  and  travel- 
led, and  travelled,  as  the  story  books  say,  over  di- 
vers countries  that  have  neither  latitude  nor  longi- 
tude ;  I  visited  all  the  colleges,  scientific  institu- 
tions, and  bedlams  ;  sought  out  the  most  learned  and 
adventurous  philosophers  of  Christendom;  consulted 
the  Pundits  of  India ;  the  Chingfoos  of  China,  the 
Dervises  of  Turkey,  and  the  Jugglers  of  the  Flat- 
head Indians  of  the  Missouri.  In  short,  I  ransacked 
the  uttermost  ends  of  the  earth,  and  was  returning 
disconsolate,  through  Germany,  to  my  native  city, 
with  a  firm  conviction  that  there  was  nothing  new 
under  the  sun,  when  an  unexpected  adventure  befel 
me  on  the  eve  of  a  long  day's  journey. 

Owing  to  various  untoward  accidents,  one  of 
which  was  the  lameness  of  my  horse,  I  had  been 
overtaken  by  twilight  in  the  midst  of  the  forest  of 
Teutoburgium,  not  far,  as  it  afterwards  proved,  from 
the  spot  where  Varus  and  his  legions  had  been  cut 
off  by  the  German  hero  Arminius.  As  the  night 
gathered  thick  around  me,  obscured  into  Cimmerian 
darkness  by  the  overarching  shades,  I  became  more 
and  more  confused  and  uncertain  of  my  way.  I 
heard  the  growling  of  bears,  the  howling  of  wolves, 
the  hooting  of  owls,  and  the  shrill  whistle  of  the  ban- 
dit, mingling  with  the  sighing  and  moaning  of  winds 


240 

as  they  wandered  in  the  impenetrable  shades.  At 
length  my  progress  was  arrested  by  a  cold  and 
heavy  hand,  forcibly  applied  to  my  mouth,  with 
such  excellent  aim,  considering  it  was  so  dark, 
that  it  stopt  it  entirely  and  prevented  me  from 
calling  for  help,  had  I  bethought  myself  of  doing 
it.  So  forcible  was  the  blow,  that  it  knocked  mc 
from  my  horse,  and  I  lay  on  the  ground  for  a  few 
moments  insensible  to  every  thing  around  me.  As  I 
gradually  recovered — the  pain  of  my  fall — the  lone- 
liness of  my  situation — and  the  apprehension  that 
the  bandit  would  return  with  his  companions,  and 
finish,  perhaps,  what  he  had  begun,  overcame  mc 
entirely,  and  1  groaned  at  intervals  aloud.  Nothing 
for  a  time  answered  me,  but  the  dismal  echoes  of 
the  forest,  and  once  or  twice  the  neighings  of  what 
I  supposed  my  own  horse,  who  had  wandered  to  a 
distance.  At  length,  however,  my  cries  were  an- 
swered by  a  voice  which  seemed  close  to  my.  ear. 

"  Who  and  what  art  thou,  that  thus  wanderest 
alone,  at  midnight,  on  the  spot  where  the  bones  of 
tens  of  thousands  have  been  bleaching  for  ages  ?" 
cried  a  hollow  and  tremulous  voice. 

"  I  am  a  pilgrim,"  exclaimed  I,  "  from  a  far  dis- 
tant country,  travelling  the  earth  in  search  of  a  new 
science." 

"  Thou  hast  hit  the  nail  on  the  head,"  replied  the 
invisible  voice.     "  Follow  me — give  me  thy  hand 


-241 

— thou  art  a  lucky  man,  and  hast  been  born,  with- 
out doubt,  with  a  silver  spoon  in  thy  mouth." 

"  But  my  horse,"  quoth  I. 

"  He  is  safe,"  replied  the  voice,  taking  me  by  the 
hand.  As  I  lifted  it  to  my  lips  in  token  of  thankful- 
ness, I  started  back  with  horror. 

"  It  smells  of  mortality  !"  cried  I. 

"True— It  hath  handled  nothing  but  the  bones  of 
Varus  and  his  legions,  for  more  than  thirty  years/' 

"Art  thou  a  sexton  ?" 

"  No." 

"  A  grave  digger?" 

"  Follow  me,  and  thou  shalt  know." 

I  again  gave  him  my  hand  with  trembling  re- 
luctance, and  we  struck  to  the  right  in  a  direction 
towards  a  dim  light,  which  had  till  now  escaped 
my  notice.  After  proceeding  some  distance,  wc 
approached  the  entrance  of  a  cave,  which  descend- 
ed gently  into  the  bosom  of  the  earth,  through  a 
passage  dimly  lighted  by  a  lamp,  leading  into  an 
apartment  that  struck  me  with  inexpressible  dis- 
may. It  was  a  charnel-house  of  skulls,  which  1 
took  for  granted  appertained  to  thousands  of  mur- 
dered wretches,  made  away  with  by  a  band  of  rob- 
bers, of  which  this  wily  old  wretch  was  the  stool-pi- 
geon, or  chief,  I  hardly  knew  which.  His  whole  ap- 
pearance was  a  composition  of  supernaturalhorrors. 
There  did  not  seem  a  drop  of  blood  in  his  body,  or 
an  ounce  of  flesh  on  his  bones.  His  eye,  deep  sunk 
21 


242 

in"  his  head,  glimmered  dimmer  than  the  half  ex- 
piring lamp  which  obscured  rather  than  illuminated 
the  passage  by  which  we  had  descended;   and  his 
cheeks,  for  want  of  the  support  of  teeth,  had  sunk 
in  on  either  side,  and  met  together  lovingly  in  the 
roof  of  his  mouth.     His  head  was  without  a  single 
hair,  and  the  glossy  surface  of  the  skull,  divided  by 
lines  into  different  copartments,  like  the  divisions  of 
a  map.      Each  of  these   was  numbered  after  the 
manner  of  sheet  maps,  for  teaching  children  geog- 
raphy.   "  Gracious  heaven  !"  exclaimed  I,  mental- 
ly, "  he  is  not  only  a  robber  but  a  necromancer ! 
perhaps  the  wild  huntsman  !  perhaps  one  of  the  in- 
fernal quizzical  imps  of  Number  Nip!  perhaps  the 
wood  demon  himself.     This  forest  has  long  been 
famous  for  evil   doings,  and  these  lines  and  figures 
are  doubtless  the  spell  by  which  this  diabolical  cai- 
tiff works  his  infernal  ends."     I  cast  my  eyes  from 
the  necromancer  to  the  paraphernalia  by  which  he 
was  surrounded.     Nothing  was  seen  but  skulls  piled 
up  in  various   recesses,  or  lying  about  in  horrible 
confusion,  so  that  at  every  step,  they  rolled  beneath 
my  feet,  and  grinned  in  my  face,  as  if  in  scorn  of 
these  impotent  injuries.     The  rest  of  the  embel- 
lishments of  this  Golgotha,  have  escaped  my  recol- 
lection, for  as  I  continued  to  stare  around,  my  cou- 
rage deserted  me,  my  senses  wandered,  and  I  trem- 
bled from  head  to  foot. 


243 

>;  Thou  art  cold  and  doubtless  hungry  too,"  said 
the  old  mystery  of  horror—-"  I  was  inhospitable  not 
to  offer  thee  something  to  eat." 

He  then  arose  and  went  to  an  obscure  part  of  the 
cave.     "He  is  gone  to  prepare  for  me  the  feast  ot 
the  worms,"  thought  I,  "or  perhaps  he  will  presently 
invite  me,  like  the  ghost  in  Don  Juan,  to  an  entertain- 
ment of  shin-bones  and  petty-toes.     Would  I  were 
home  again,  and  perish  all  new  sciences."  Presently, 
however,  he  returned,  and  to  my  very  agreeable  sur- 
prise, presented  a  piece  of  cold  venison,  some  bread 
and  a  flaggon  of  beer.     "  Eat,  drink  and  be  merry," 
quoth  he — "  for  to-morrow  I  die!"  responded  I,  in- 
wardly, with  a  sigh.     However,  hunger  is  lord  of 
the  world,  and  will  swallow  up  tear,  wneu  lit.  ;o 
sharp  set.     I  fell  upon  the  venison,  and  ate  as  if  it 
were  my  last ;  I  swallowed  oceans  of  beer,  in  hopes 
it  would  infuse  into  me  a  portion  of  Dutch  courage, 
but  in  vain.     While  I  was  taking  my  meal,  the  ne- 
cromancer or  whatever  he  might  be,  was  examining 
a  large  skull,  divided  and  marked  in  like  manner 
with  his  own,  and  apparently  comparing  it  with 
mine,  while  he  ever  and  anon  exclaimed — 

"  Bless  me  ! — astonishing ! — wonderful ! — one 
would  think  they  had  belonged  to  one  and  the 
same  person ! — Pray,  my  good  friend,  if  you  can^stop 
eating  for  one  moment,  tell  me,  had  you  ever  any 
other  head  on  your  shoulders  than  the  one  you 
carry  now  ?" 


244 

*  Not  that  I  know  of,"  replied  I. 

"  Astonishing — curious — remarkable — never  saw 
such  an  identity — wit — locality — amativeness — phi- 
loprogenitiveness — ideality — wonder — acquisitive- 
ness— concentrativeness — adhesiveness — cautious- 
ness— tune — size — weight — colouring — language- 
comparison — causality — love  of  approbation — or- 
der— combativeness,  and  what  not!  I  would  give 
thousands  for  your  skull.  Why,  sir,  you  must  be  a 
universal  genius.  You  have  the  finest  collection  of 
organs  in  the  world.  You  are  a  poet,  a  mechanic, 
a  chymist,  a  philosopher,  a  musician,  a  lover  of  chil- 
dren, an  artist,  a  metaphysician,  and  any  thing 
else  you  please,  besides." 

I  began  now  to  be  ashamed  of  myself,  that  I 
should  have  dignified  this  old  fellow  with  the  rank 
of  a  bandit  and  necromancer,  when  as  it  now  plain- 
ly appeared,  he  was  only  a  harmless  madman.  At 
once  my  terrors  subsided,  and  I  became  quite  jo- 
cular. 

"  Pray,"  said  T,  "how  came  you  to  know  my  cha- 
racter and  talents  so  perfectly  in  this  short  acquaint- 
ance?— I  don't  think  I  have  spoken  five  words  on 
any  subject  connected  with  these  acquirements  and 
qualifications.  Have  you  the  faculty  of  penetrating 
the  interior  of  the  brain,  or  exploring  the  secrets  of 
the  heart,  extemporaneously  ?" 

"  The  secrets  of  the  heart !"  replied  the  old  man 
contemptuously—"  you  talk  like  a  blockhead  in  de* 


245 

fiance  of  the  infallible  augury  of  your  cerebral  de- 
velopment. The  heart,  young  man,  hath  nothing 
to  do  with  sensations,  affections,  impulses,  passions, 
affinities  or  antipathies.  You  might  as  well  locate 
them  in  the  liver,  the  gizzard,  the  great  toe,  the  seat 
of  honour,  or  any  other  obscure  and  contemptible 
part  of  the  human  machine — " 

"  Did  he  actually  call  it  a  machine  ?"  interrupted 
the  Man  Machine,  eagerly. 

"  He  did,  upon  my  honour — he  called  it  a  ma- 
chine," said  the  other,  and  proceeded. 

"  Know,  young  man,"  continued  the  hermit, 
"  that  I  perceive  by  the  infallible  augury  of  the  only 
real  science  upon  the  face  of  the  earth,  thou  art 
destined  to  be  a  burning  and  shining  light  among 
the  benighted  of  this  earth.  Thou  shalt  carry  the 
lamp  even  to  the  uttermost  ends  of  the  earth,  and 
into  the  concentric  spheres.  Listen  and  learn." 
The  whole  frame  of  the  old  man  now  dilated  into 
actual  sublimity — his  voice  gradually  swelled  in 
tones  of  lofty  declamation,  and  his  eye  brightened 
with  what  I  then  supposed  was  inspiration.  But  I 
have  since  ascertained  that  the  eye  has  nothing  to 
do  with  the  mind,  any  more  than  a  pair  of  specta- 
cles.    It  is  only  made  to  see  with. 

"  I  was   born   and  brought  up,"  continued  he, 

"  within  the  walls  of  a  college,  the  name  of  which 

I  shall  withhold,  least  it  might  become  too  vain  of 

the  honour;  and  my  ancestors  had  been  professora 

21* 


246 

of  the  same  faculty  for  fifteen  generations.  Not 
one  of  them,  so  far  as  my  knowledge  and  belief  ex- 
tends, ever  was  out  of  sight  of  the  venerable  Alma 
Mater.  They  studied  science  in  books,  and  to 
books  they  resorted  for  that  knowledge  of  mankind 
and  of  the  world,  which,  being  the  same  in  all  ages, 
can  only  be  acquired  in  the  unchangeable  lessons  of 
time  and  experience  recorded  in  books.  My  father 
was  considered  a  monster  of  erudition,  who,  after 
having  exhausted  all  the  old  sciences,  imagined  new. 
which  he  exhausted  with  equal  facility.  He  went 
on  in  this  way  so  long  that  at  last  he  was  sorely  puz- 
zled for  new  sciences  to  conquer.  He  came  xcry 
near  dying  of  ennui,  for  want  of  a  new  difficulty  to 
knock  on  the  head,  and  in  the  absence  of  some  ex- 
citement of  this  kind,  used  to  amuse  himself  whole 
days  with  a  parrot  and  a  monkey  ;  one  of  which  he 
had  taught  to  talk  quite  learnedly  upon  scientific 
subjects  ;  and  the  other  to  go  through  a  variety  of 
philosophical  experiments. 

"  He  soon,  however,  got  tired  of  this,  and  then 
found  a  temporary  amusement  in  studying  natural 
history  in  the  persons  of  a  great  variety  of  dogs, 
that  used  to  congregate  for  amusement  and  fighting 
in  the  large  court-yard  in  front  of  his  residence  in 
the  college.  Here,  for  the  first  time,  he  noticed 
that  peculiarity  of  the  canine  race  which  exhibits 
itself  in  two  strange  dogs  when  they  come  together. 
He  observed  that  instead  of  looking  into  each  other's 


247 

faces  for  information,  as  to  the  character,  objects 
and  intentions  of  their  new  acquaintance,  they  in- 
variably went  round  to  the  rear  for  that  purpose. 
At  first  he  was  inclined  to  believe  that  they  carried 
their  names  on  the  stern,  as  he  had  observed  was 
the  case  with  the  boats  on  the  river  which  ran  near 
the  city  ;  but  on  examination  he  could  discover  no- 
thing of  that  kind.  It  naturally  occurred  to  him, 
to  ask  himself  the  reason,  or  rather  the  instinct,  of 
this  singular  practice.  After  deep  reflection  it 
struck  him  that  it  could  be  no  other  than  a  mode 
pointed  out  by  nature  for  gaining  a  thorough  in- 
sight into  the  character,  views  and  qualifications  of 
those  animals,  thus  superseding  the  necessity  of 
long  acquaintance  and  continued  scrutiny.  He  saw 
too,  that  these  animals  signified  their  satisfaction, 
and  indeed  expressed  most  of  their  sensations,  by 
wagging  their  tails,  and  became  thereupon  convin- 
ced that  with  them  at  least  the  eyes  and  the  face 
were  not  the  index  of  the  mind.  He  observed  that 
a  stiff  tail  denoted  hostility,  while  a  wagging  tail  on 
the  contrary  expressed  sometimes  pleasure,  some- 
times eagerness  of  anticipation,  sometimes  confi- 
dence, sometimes  doubt,  sometimes  affection  ;  and 
that  whenever  it  hid  itself  between  the  hinder  legs, 
it  was  the  invariable  indication  of  fear.  In  short,  he 
had  no  doubt  that  a  complete  system  of  the  opera- 
tions of  canine  instinct  might  be  deduced  from  the 
developments  of  the    organs  of   the  tail ;  and  he 


248 

was  only  deterred  from  announcing  it  to  the  lite- 
rary world  by  the  apprehension  of  being  laughed  at 
by  ignorant  persons. 

"  A  hint  is,  however,  sufficient  for  the  wise.  New- 
ton caught  his  idea  of  gravitation  from  seeing  an 
apple  fall  to  the  ground  ;  Hutton  his  theory  of  the 
formation  of  the  earth  by  the  operation  of  an  in- 
ternal fire,  from  a  confectioner  making  sugar- 
plums ;  another  philosopher  from  accidentally  see- 
ing a  nest  of  iron  pots  one  within  the  other,  with 
pismires  crawling  between  them,  conceived  his 
theory  of  the  concentric  spheres  ;  and  my  father 
erected  the  most  stupendous  science  of  modern 
times  upon  the  wagging  of  a  mastiff's  tail.  Reason- 
ing upwards  by  the  stair-case  of  analogy,  he  gradu- 
ally arrived  from  the  mastiff's  tail  to  a  man's  head, 
which  he  found  closely  resembling  each  other  in  a 
vast  variety  of  particulars.  Both  were  covered 
-with  hair;  both  were  at  the  extremity  of  the  ani- 
mal; one  nodded,  the  other  wagged.  There  were 
other  points  of  resemblance  of  which  expert  theo- 
rists make  a  great  use,  called  analogies  of  opposi- 
tion, in  which  the  likeness  or  affinity  consists  in  one 
thing  being  the  direct  antipodes  of  another.  Alto- 
gether, my  father,  from  long  and  intense  observation 
and  contemplation,  came  at  last  to  the  conclusion 
that  the  tail  of  the  dog,  and  the  head  of  the  man,  was 
certainly  the  true  index  of  the  mind  and  propensi- 
ties of  each  respectively. 


249 

"  I  perceive  you  smile,  as  if  this  idea  of  a  maivs 
head  being  the  seat  of  sensation  and  the  index  of 
mind  was  no  very  great  discovery.  In  the  course 
of  my  details  you  will  see  that  this  was  only  the 
mere  threshold,  the  first  step  in  those  speculations 
that  are  destined  ere  long  not  only  to  astonish  but 
confound  the  world.  The  discovery  that  the  head 
was  the  seat  of  sensation  was  in  fact  no  discovery 
at  all.  But  the  improvements  he  made,  and  the 
ends  to  which  he  applied  it,  are  what  constitute  his 
glory.  Columbus  it  is  true  discovered  that  there 
was  actually  such  a  place  as  the  new  world ;  but 
this  did  not  deprive  those  who  subsequently  ex- 
plored, settled,  planted,  and  divided  it  into  separate 
states,  districts,  counties  and  towns,  of  their  portion 
of  credit.  In  like  manner,  others  had,  it  may  be 
justly  said,  discovered  a  man  had  a  head  ;  but  it  was 
reserved  for  my  father  to  turn  that  head  to  some 
account,  by  dividing  it  into  different  sections  and 
compartments  ;  detailing  its  peculiarities  of  soil 
and  climate ;  describing  its  various  properties  and 
productions;  the  temperature  of  the  air;  the  ani- 
mals that  inhabit  it ;  and  in  fact,  giving  as  it  were  a 
complete  statistical  account  of  the  whole  region." 

Here,  perceiving  me  yawn  a  little,  the  old  man 
took  the  hint.  He  proposed  retiring  for  the  night, 
and  resuming  his  details  in  the  morning.  Accord- 
ingly he  showed  me  into  a  small  recess  where  was 
a  bed  of  moss,  in  which  I  laid  myself  down,  and 


250 

dreamed  all  night  of  the  catacombs  of  Egypt. 
The  next  morning  the  good  hermit  would  hardh 
allow  me  time  to  eat  my  breakfast,  so  impatient  was 
he  to  continue  his  story. 

"  My  father,"  began  he,  "  next  proceeded^to  lay 
down  his  first  principles,  which  he  justly  considered 
were  more  than  half  the  battle.  He  knew  he  could 
look  out  afterwards  at  leisure  for  facts  and  exam- 
ples to  sustain  them.  A  true  philosopher  always 
makes  his  facts  and  reasonings  dependent  on  his  the- 
ory, and  not  his  theory  on  his  facts  and  reasonings. 
When  his  theory  is  well  digested  and  arranged,  a 
man  of  the  least  ingenuity  wi!!  find  all  nature  ad- 
ministering to  his  use.  Appearances  and  pheno- 
mena which  he  never  dreamed  of  before  will  come, 
like  Sancho1s  proverbs,  pat  to  his  purpose  ;  and 
what  in  the  eyes  of  indifferent  persons  will  seem 
fatal  to  his  hypothesis,  to  him  will  afford  unanswera- 
ble confirmation.  Young  man,  if  thou  ever  mean- 
est to  become  a  philosopher,  follow  the  example  of 
my  father,  for  be  assured  if  thou  waitest  for  expe- 
rience to  authenticate  thy  theories,  thou  wilt  die 
without  ever  becoming  the  father  of  a  single  new 
one.  Aware  of  this  truth,  my  father,  as  I  said  be- 
fore, proceeded  first  to  lay  down  the  principles  of 
his  new  science,  intending  afterwards  to  trust  to 
Providence,  his  own  ingenuity,  and  the  liberal  spirit 
of  the  age,  to  establish  them  by  facts  and  demon- 
stration. 


251 

"  He  first  laid  it  down  as  a  maxim,  that  the  head 
A)f  a  man  was-,  as  it  were,  a  great  organ  full  of  pipes, 
on  which  the  different  qualities,  propensities  and 
passions  each  played  their  favourite  tunes,  and  on 
lhat  particular  pipe  the  tone  of  which  best  pleased 
the  said  quality,  propensity  or  passion. 

"  That  as  the  pipes  of  the  mechanical  organ, 
being  made  of  materials  incapable  of  expansion, 
cannot  be  dilated  or  contracted  ;  so  the  pipes  of 
the  man-organ,  being  composed  in  like  manner  of 
materials  directly  the  contrary  in  their  nature  and 
capacity,  it  follows  by  analogy  of  dissimilitude  that 
the  animate  and  inanimate  organ  are  one  and  the 
same,  for  all  the  purposes  of  science  and  philosophy. 

"  That  the  form  of  the  brain,  and  the  functions 
of  the  several  organs  or  pipes  thereof  may  be  ascer- 
tained by  irrefragable  indications,  especially  by 
comparing  their  size,  with  the  power  of  manifesting 
the  mental  faculties.  The  more  a  particular  organ 
or  pipe  of  the  organ  was  used  the  larger  it  would 
undoubtedly  become  ;  for  as  friction  uniformly  di- 
minishes inanimate  machinery,  so  in  like  manner 
does  it  not  diminish  but  strengthen,  develop  and 
expand  the  animated  machinery,  to  wit,  the  pipes, 
organs  and  cavities  of  the  brain. 

"  To  prove  this  position,  he  instanced  the  rope- 
dancer's  legs;  the  fiddler's  right  elbow;  and 
above  all  the  female  tongue,  each  of  which,  he 
maintained,  was  uncommonly  large  and  fully  de- 
veloped in  consequence  of  continued  and  violent 


252 

exercise.  The  eyes  of  children,  he  observed; 
were  always  larger  in  proportion  than  those  of 
grown  up  people,  simply  because  as  every  object 
was  new  to  the  former,  they  naturally  stared  and 
wondered  at  every  thing.  Again  :  the  nostrils  of  a 
snuff-taker  were  always  more  dilated  than  those  of 
ordinary  persons  ;  and  people  given  to  listening  at 
key-holes  always  had  great  ears.  All  these  posi- 
tions he  intended  to  establish  as  occasion  might 
offer ;  and  if  it  proved  upon  experience  that  the 
facts  were  not  according  to  his  theory,  all  they  had 
to  do  was  to  accommodate  themselves  to  it  as  fast 
as  possible ;  for  it  was  not  to  be  expected  that  a 
philosopher  should  abandon  an  hypothesis,  merely 
because  it  was  contrary  to  facts  and  experience. 

"  My  father  was  resolved  that  his  science  should 
be  quite  original.  Lavater  had  already  taken  for- 
mal scientific  possession  of  the  face,  and  as  it  were, 
converted  all  the  seaboard  of  the  country  to  his 
use.  My  father  was  for  that  reason  resolved  to 
have  little  or  nothing  to  do  with  the  old  settlements, 
but  to  travel  into  the  interior  and  cultivate  the 
back  lands.  Accordingly  he  marched  round  and 
-cttled  himself  upon  the  remote,  uncultivated  re- 
gions of  the  cerebellum.  Besides  the  canine  exam- 
ple wrhich  had  given  the  first  idea,  and  the  deter- 
mination to  occupy  entirely  new  ground,  he  had 
another  argument  in  favour  of  this  novelty  on  which 
he   strongly   relied.      He   compared   the  head  to 


253 

those  houses  in  the  city  of  Edinburgh,  which  being 
built  on  a  side-hill,  exhibit  a  bold  front  a  dozen 
stories  high,  but  which  when  approached  in  the 
rear  dwindle  into  complete  insignificance.  Thus 
(here  was  no  such  thing  as  telling  what  they  were 
until  you  examined  them  from  behind  ;  and  thus  too 
by  analogy,  all  conclusions  drawn  from  the  face  of 
a  human  being  were  vague  and  uncertain  in  the 
highest  degree.  It  was,  moreover,  proverbial  for 
people  to  put  their  best  face  as  well  as  their  best 
foot  foremost. 

"  Having  thus  developed  the  theory  of  his  new 
science,  he  was  just  setting  about  propping  it  up  by 
facts  and  examples,  when  he  fell  ill,  and  died.  It 
rarely  happens  indeed  that  the  same  person  invents, 
and  perfects  his  invention.  Life  is  too  short  for 
any  but  a  chosen  few,  to  acquire  the  glory  of  be- 
ginning and  completing  a  new  science.  It  was  re- 
served for  me  to  rear  up  and  bring  to  perfection 
the  magnificent  edifice  of  which  my  father  had  laid 
the  foundation. 

"  At  the  time  of  my  father's  decease,  I  was  a 
young  man  of  about  forty,  and  had  scarcely  ever 
been  beyond  the  walls  of  our  college.  I  once  in- 
deed ventured  out  into  the  world  to  see  a  fair  in  the 
neighbourhood,  but  happening  to  meet  a  person 
whose  organ  of  destructiveness  I  perceived  was 
horribly  developed,  I  was  afraid  he  would  kill  me, 
and  ran  home  as  fast  as  I  could.  As  a  proof  of  the 
22 


254 

infallibility  of  my  science,  it  was  afterwards  rumour- 
ed that  this  very  man,  or  somebody  very  like  him, 
was  found  guilty  of  manslaughter  at  a  village  about 
two  hundred  miles  distant.  My  whole  life  had 
been  passed  between  four  thick  stone  walls,  in  a 
chamber,  the  light  of  which  was  admitted  through 
the  ceiling,  where  I  saw  nobody  but  my  parents, 
and  an  old  female  servant  whose  organ  of  languages 
bespoke  her  prowess,  for  she  could  out-talk  the 
whole  family.  Indeed  our  prevailing  character 
was  that  of  shyness,  awkwardness,  and  silence. 
We  seldom  or  ever  mixed  with  the  world,  and 
my  principle  recreation  had  been  to  philosophise, 
smoke  my  pipe,  and  drink  small  beer.  Ever  since 
my  father  propounded  his  theory  of  the  organs  to 
my  alarmed  and  awakened  imagination,  I  believe  I 
may  say,  that  I  never  looked  a  human  being  in  the 
face.  Indeed  it  was  the  custom  of  the  whole 
family  to  walk  leisurely  round  and  examine  the 
back  of  the  head  to  ascertain  each  other's  wants, 
feelings  and  sensations.  I  can  proudly  say  that  my 
father  was  never  but  once  mistaken  in  this  infalli- 
ble augury,  and  then  he  fell  into  such  a  passion  with 
the  organs  that  they  ever  afterwards  took  good  care 
to  accommodate  themselves  to  his  theory. 

"  From  the  period  that  I  became  an  orphan,  I 
determined  to  devote  my  remaining  days  to  the  es- 
tablishment of  his  favourite  science,  by  actual  ex- 
periment and  observation.     I  considered  it  as  a 


255 

sister  orphan  in  a  state  of  helpless  infancy  left  to  my 
bringing  up,  and  for  whose  future  fate  I  was  in  a 
great  measure  responsible.  Accordingly  I  decli- 
ned the  hereditary  professorship  which  had  been 
in  our  family  three  centuries,  and  in  order  that  T 
might  study  the  human  character  without  interrup- 
tion, retired  to  this  forest,  and  secluded  myself 
from  mankind.  I  was  induced  to  select  this  spot 
in  preference  to  all  others,  because  it  afforded  me 
the  most  ample  scope  and  materials  for  laying  the 
everlasting  basis  of  what  may  be  emphatically  call- 
ed the  science  of  human  nature,  taught,  not  by  the 
quick,  but  the  dead  ;  derived  not  from  the  lying 
tongues  and  deceitful  eyes  of  living  men,  but  from 
the  tomb,  whence  the  hollow  socket  and  the  tongue- 
less,  fleshless  lips,  proclaim  in  accents  of  eternal 
truth,  the  secrets  of  the  hitherto  unvisited  brain. 
Let  no  one  say  that  when  the  brain  is  out,  the  man 
will  die,  for  it  is  then  only  that  he  may  be  figura- 
tively said  to  live,  to  speak,  and  to  disclose  through 
the  medium  of  the  sublime  organs  of  the  cerebel- 
lum the  secrets  of  his  heart  and  head,  the  mystery  of 
what  he  was  when  living.  Here,"  said  he,  with 
lofty  enthusiasm,  exhibiting  a  skull  divided  and 
numbered  as  I  have  described — "  here  is  the  world 
I  study,  and  here  the  history  of  the  human  race 
written  in  characters  of  eternal  truth  with  the  pen- 
cil of  immortality.  I  do  not  want  to  read  Tacitus 
to  know  what  the  owner  of  this  was  when  living — 

# 


256 

3  know  he  was  rash,  self-willed  and  brave,  and  that 
in  the  very  nature  of  things,  he  must  have  been 
governed  by  the  organ  of  combativeness.  Look  at 
it — it  is  the  skull  of  Quintilius  Varus,  who  wa? 
cut  off  with  his  three  legions  on  this  very  spot  by 
our  illustrious  Herman,  whom  the  historian  call:- 
Arminius,  to  make  his  name  sound  like  that  of  a 
Roman." 

"How  do  you  know  it  is  the  skull  of  Quintilius 
Varus,"  asked  T. 

"  By  Phrenology." 

"  What  is  that  ?"  asked  I  again. 

"  The  infallible  science  invented  by  my  father. 
Jt  is  called  phrenology,  from  phrenzy  or  phrenetic: 
my  illustrious  father  having  been  considered  mad 
during  the  latter  part  of  his  life,  like  almost  all 
other  daring  geniuses  who  have  had  the  courage  to 
instruct  mankind.  They  swallow  knowledge  with 
as  much  difficulty  and  as  many  wry  faces  as  they 
do  physic,  and  reward  their  benefactors  for  enlight- 
ening them,  by  calling  them  mad.  But  to  go  on 
with  my  story. 

"  I  have  mentioned  that  this  cave  is  in  the  centre 
of  the  encampment  where  Varus  and  his  legions 
were  slain  by  the  Germans,  and  their  skulls  piled  up 
in  heaps  as  recorded  by  Tacitus.  It  was  for  this 
reason  I  selected  it  for  the  field  of  my  achieve- 
ments in  demonstrating  the  truths  of  phrenology. 
Hejre  I  could  find  innumerable  examples  to  suit  my 

m 


257 

theory — here  I  could  make  what  use  I  pleased  of 
those  reliques  which  elsewhere  the  ignorant  hold 
sacred  ;  and  here,  above  all,  I  could  remain  free 
from  the  intrusion  of  vulgar  curiosity,  for  not  a 
peasant  in  forty  miles  will  approach  this  spot  except 
unwittingly.  You  will  wonder  perhaps  that  thpse 
skulls  should  have  remained  so  perfect  as  you  now 
see  them  for  such  a  length  of  time.  But  when  J 
tell  you  that  with  the  exception  of  the  Egyptians, 
the  Romans  had  the  thickest  and  most  solid  skulls 
of  any  ancient  people,  you  will  not  be  incredulous. 
You  recollect  Herodotus  bears  testimony  to  the 
thickness  of  the  Egyptian  skulls,  a  fact  sufficient  in 
itself  to  explode  the  vulgar  opinion  that  a  thick 
skull  is  synonymous  with  stupidity. 

"  Here  I  proceeded  to  establish  my  science  upon 
the  eternal  basis  of  demonstration.      In  the  first 
place  I  looked  into  Tacitus,  and  found  that  Varus 
had   imprudently  advanced    far   into   the  pathless 
forests  of  Germany — that  he  had  encamped  on  un- 
favourable ground  ;  had  finally  been  surprised  by 
Arminius,  and  himself  and  all  his  legions  slain.     It 
followed  pretty  clearly  from  these  premises,  that 
Varus  was  a  daring,  uncalculating  sort  of  a  person, 
who  beyond  all  doubt  had  the  organ  of  combative- 
ness  strongly  developed,  and  that  of  secretiveness 
exceedingly  small.     Accordingly,  I   selected   from 
the  skulls  scattered  around  me  one  which  exhibited 
these  two  features  in  the  most  marked  and  con- 
22* 


258 

sptcpous  manner.  This  was  beyond  all  question 
the  skull  of  Varus  ;  and  here  it  is.  Examine  it — 
Here  is  the  organ  of  combativeness,  or  fondness  for 
fighting ;  observe  how  it  projects  and  is  expanded. 
Here — no — here  is  the  organ  of  secretiveness,  or  in 
other  words,  the  propensity  to  hide  away  when  dan- 
ger approaches.  Observe,  it  is  almost  imperceptible. 
It  is  plain  that  the  owner  of  this  skull  was  without 
the  sense  of  fear  ;  of  course  it  must  be  the  skull  of 
Varus.  There  is  no  doubt  of  it — to  disbelieve  would 
argue  absolute  stupidity — it  would  be  flying  in  the 
face  of  demonstration." 

"  Without  doubt,1'  said  T,  for  I  began  to  be  of  opi- 
nion that  this  old  man  was  a  sage,  and  in  all  proba- 
bility might  furnish  me  with  what  I  had  hitherto 
sought  in  vain  over  half  the  world. 

"  Very  well,"  continued  the  sage,  "  we  have  thus 
established  the  fact,  that  these  particular  organs  do 
actually  and  invariably  indicate  the  qualities  my 
father  ascribed  to  them.  The  next  step  was  to 
identify  other  organs  with  other  qualities  until  I  had 
made  out  a  complete  system,  comprehending  all  the 
moral,  physical  and  intellectual  faculties  of  the  hu- 
man race.  Accordingly  I  proceeded  to  select  and 
classify  the  skulls  that  lay  scattered  around,  placing 
all  those  together  which  exhibited  the  same  or  simi- 
lar peculiarities.  After  having  done  this  I  proceed- 
ed to  christen  them  agreeably  to  the  nomenclature 
of  the  infallible  science.  One  heap  I  dubbed  men  of 


2o9 

genius,  because  k  was  the  smallest — another  thieve? 
— another  murderers — some  I  called  lovers  of  order 
— some  lovers  of  tune — some  of  numbers — some  ol 
novelty — some  I  disposed  of  in  one  class,  some  in 
another,  as  situation  and  circumstances  required. 
For  instance,  in  this  very  cave  which  I  have  now 
inhabited  almost  thirty  years,  1  found  on  my  arrival 
a  great  many  skulls  lying  dispersed  on  the  floor,  or 
the  recesses  within.  These  I  took  it  for  granted 
appertained  to  persons  who  had  retreated  there  for 
shelter — had  been  discovered  by  the  German  army, 
and  put  to  death.  They  must  therefore  have  hid 
away — and  therefore  the  organ  of  the  brain  the 
most  remarkable  and  most  strongly  developed  must 
of  necessity  be  that  of  secretiveness  or  hiding  away. 
I  confess  that  there  was  a  great  diversity  in  the 
phrenology  of  these  runaways,  and  that  not  a  few  of 
them  exhibited  a  most  provoking  development  of 
the  organ  of  combativeness,  or  fighting.  This  was 
a  formidable  obstacle  to  my  progress,  but  I  got  over 
it  at  last,  by  supposing  what  was  very  natural,  that 
these  latter  might  have  been  the  skulls  of  the  va- 
liant Germans  who,  pursuing  the  runaways  into 
their  last  retreat,  were  slain  in  combat  with  these 
cowards,  for  cowards  will  fight  when  desperate. 

"  There  was  one  particular  projection  or  deve- 
lopment of  the  organ  common  to  all  the  skulls  I 
examined,  which  I  called  the  organ  of  order.  The 
soldiers  of  Varus  were  of  the  veteran  Roman  le~ 


260 

giojis,  who  had  doubtless  been  in  service  almost  ail 
their  lives.  Now  the  distinguishing  characteristic 
of  a  soldier,  is  order  and  discipline,  which  are  in 
fact,  one  and  the  same.  Therefore  that  organ 
which  is  most  universally  and  strongly  developed 
in  soldiers,  must  be  the  organ  of  discipline. 

"  In  this  manner  I  continued  to  build  up  by  de- 
grees my  favourite  science  upon  the  impregnable 
basis  of  experience  and  demonstration,  until  I  had 
selected  a  class  of  skulls  to  represent  the  whole 
range  of  human  passions  and  human  faculties.  In 
this  way  too,  by  unwearied  patience  and  assiduity, 
1  '  established'  the  truth  of  my  father's  theory  in  a 
manner  that  I  defy  the  world  to  shake.  So  per- 
fectly am  I  convinced  of  its  unerring  principles,  its 
unassailable  strength  and  accuracy,  that  were  I  not 
so  old  I  would  go  forth  into  the  world  and  fearlessly 
govern  myself  by  the  infallible  criterion  of  phre- 
nology in  my  judgment  of  mankind.  As  it  is  I 
must  leave  it  to  some  young  and  enterprising  adven- 
turer to  accomplish  the  only  remaining  point  ne- 
cessary to  convince  mankind  and  overturn  the  mis- 
chievous absurdities  of  the  contemptible  science  (a> 
by  courtesy  it  is  called)  of  physiognomy." 

Here  Dr.  Gallgotha,  for  that  I  found  was  the  her- 
mit's name,  concluded  his  details,  which,  in  their 
progress,  had  entirely  changed  my  first  impressions 
in  relation  to  his  character  and  pursuits.  As  he 
proceeded  in  the  development  of  his  system,  he 


261 

called  forth  my  wonder  and  admiration;  and  long 
before  he  concluded,  I  had  become  a  conyert  to  his 
principles.  It  appeared  to  me  impossible,  indeed, 
that  a  rational  being  could  shut  up  his  understand- 
ing to  the  conviction  of  its  irresistible  demonstra- 
tions ;  and  my  imagination  expanded  with  the  hope 
of  being  able,  at  last,  to  succeed  in  the  mission 
which  had  cost  me  so  many  toils  and  dangers.  I 
remained  several  days  in  this  abode  of  science, 
during  which  time  the  doctor  gradually  unfolded 
the  minutiaof  his  system,  and  taught  me  the  whole 
mystery  of  development.  Every  day  we  became 
more  enthusiastically  convincedof  the  impregnability 
of  the  science ;  and  nothing  could  equal  the  delight 
of  the  old  man  at  finding  such  a  scholar,  except 
mine  at  meeting  such  a  preceptor. 

"  Thou  art  just  the  disciple  I  should  have  select- 
ed from  the  whole  world — for  thou  hast  the  finest 
development  of  the  organ  of  faith  I  ever  remember 
to  have  seen.  Come,  I  will  take  my  staff  and  skulls, 
and,  like  the  sages  of  old,  go  forth  into  the  world  to 
teach  and  to  enlighten.  Wilt  thou  be  my  compa- 
nion, my  disciple,  my  son  by  adoption  ?" 

You  may  suppose  I  acceded  to  this  proposal 
with  a  transport  of  delight ;  and  it  was  accordingly 
arranged  to  depart  the  very  next  day,  so  anxious 
were  we  to  begin  our  scientific  pilgrimage.  "  We 
shall  want  nothing,"  said  Dr.  Gallgotha — "  I  will 
instruct  the  people,  and  they  in  return  wiil  grate- 


202 

fiiUy  administer  to  our  trifling  necessities,  when 
what  we  have  is  spent." 

Accordingly,  the  next  day,  having  deposited  the 
skull  of  Quintilius  Varus  with  other  specimens  ex- 
hibiting each  of  the  cerebral  developments  essen- 
tial to  the  demonstration  of  the  doctor's  first  prin- 
ciples, in  a  bag,  thrown  over  my  horse,  we  bade  a 
iinal  adieu  to  the  cave  of  Macpelah,  and  sallied 
forth,  agreeing  to  ride  and  walk  by  turns.  In  pass- 
ing the  spot  where  I  had  been  knocked  from  my 
horse  by  the  mysterious  hand,  I  observed  a  limb 
projecting  over  the  road,  apparently  about  the 
height  of  my  mouth  when  on  horseback,  and  in- 
crusted  with  an  icy  sleet.  Jt  occurred  to  me,  it 
might  have  been  this  limb  that  knocked  me  down 
and  thus,  as  it  were,  became  a  providential  instru- 
ment in  bringing  about  my  meeting  with  this  in- 
spired old  man. 

Emerging  from  the  forest,  we  entered  a  fine  pic- 
turesque country,  full  of  grassy  verdure,  blushing 
vines  and  laughing  villages.  At  one  of  these  last 
we  stopped  for  refreshment,  and  were  introduced 
into  a  public  room  where  sat  perhaps  a  dozen  tra- 
vellers around  a  large  old  fashioned  oak  table.  The 
old  manjmmediately  began  to  exercise  his  talent  in 
demonstrative  science.  He  put  on  his  spectacles, 
and  walked  leisurely  round  the  table,  stopping  be- 
hind every  man  and  studying  the  infallible  index  of 
his  mind  at  the  back  of  his   head.     At  length  lie 


263 

came  to  one.  at  (he  first  view  of  which,  he  retreated 
with  horror.  He  then  approached  it  again,  and  as 
if  impelled  by  the  irresistible  fascination  of  over- 
whelming terror,  put  his  fingers  upon  a  part  of  the 
man's  skull.  The  fellow  started  up,  and  turning 
furiously  round  upon  the  doctor,  exclaimed — 

"D nyou!    what  are  you  about  with  my 

head  ?" 

"  N — n — n — n — nothing,"  replied  the  doctor,  in 
a  voice  quaking  with  terror — "  I — I — Heavens  and 
earth !    what  a  supernatural  development  of  the 

organ  of .     Pray,  my  dear  sir,  when  did  you 

commit  your  last  m .     I'll  give  you  a  hundred 

rix  dollars  for  that  skull  of  yours." 

"  Old  man,"  replied  the  fellow,  gruffly,  "  its  well 
for  you  that  you  are  old,  and,  as  I  suspect,  not  very 
wise,  or  I  would — " 

"  O  dont — now  dont  m — m — .  Pray  now,  my 
dear  sir,  dont  kill  me  !" 

"  Kill  you  !"  said  the  other,  with  a  contemptuous 
smile,  "  though  my  trade  is  killing,  it  is  not  such 
tough  old  animals  as  you  I  deal  with."  He  then 
quietly  sat  down  again,  while  the  doctor  sidled  up 
to  me,  and  taking  my  elbow,  drew  me  significantly 
out  of  the  room. 

"  We  must  depart  instantly,"  said  he. 

"  What,  without  our  breakfast  ?"  said  I. 

"  Aye — or  it  is  all  over  with  us.  That  man  is 
one  of  the  greatest  villains  in  existence — he  has  the 


264 

organ  of  murder,  almost  as  large  as  the  bass  pipe  of 
the  great  organ  at  Antwerp — He  cannot  have  com- 
mitted less  than  a  hundred  assassinations.  Come — 
come — let  us  depart  secretly  that  the  murderer  may 
not  know  which  way  we  go."  What  an  invaluable 
science,  thought  I,  that  thus  intuitively  announces 
to  us  the  dangers,  which  others  discover  only  when 
it  is  too  late. 

We  now  moved  ourselves  quietly  out  of  the  inn 
unnoticed  by  any  of  the  domestics,  who,  as  we  owed 
them  nothing,  were  indifferent  to  our  motions.  The 
old  man,  and  indeed  so  did  I,  often  looked  back  to 
-ce  if  the  murderer  was  coming  after  us,  but  luckily 
we  turned  an  angle  of  the  road,  and  were  out  of 
>ight  before  he  made  his  appearance. 

"  What  a  lucky  escape  !"  quoth  the  doctor. 

"  Miraculous  !"  responded  I. 

We  proceeded  on  slowly  till  the  sun  began  to 
wax  low  in  the  western  horizon,  when  being  tired 
and  withal  exceeding  hungry,  we  gladly  descried  a 
pretty  considerable  village,  in  a  rich  vale  which 
-[)iead  its  soft  evening  beauties  under  our  eyes  as 
we  reached  the  summit  of  a  hill,  at  whose  feet  it  lay 
nestling.  We  pushed  forward  with  new  spirits,  and 
gaily  footed  down  the  hill,  close  to  the  bottom  of 
which  was  an  inn,  bearing  on  its  sign-post  the  head 
of  the  great  Frederick.  "  There,"  quoth  the  doc- 
tor triumphantly — "  there  is  a  Jiving  proof  of  the 
falsehood  of  that  delusive  science,  which  Lavalcr 


265 

palmed  upon  the  world.  If  you  look  at  that  head 
in  front,  it  is  the  head  of  a  blockhead — if  in  the 
rear,  it  is  that  of  the  greatest  man  Germany  ever 
produced,  with  the  exception  of  my  father,  and  one 
other,  whom  I  shall  not  at  present  name." 

The  doctor's  self  gratulations  were  speedily  put  to 
(light  by  the  appearance  of  the  tremendous  assassin 
we  had  escaped  from  in  the  manner  just  related, 
fie  rode  up  to  the  inn,  which  I  afterwards  learned 
was  a  place  where  horses  were  let,  dismounted, 
gave  his  beast  to  the  hostler,  and  turned  away,  care- 
lessly exclaiming,  with  a  significant  nod  at  the  doc- 
tor— 

"  O  !  you're  there,  are  you  ?" 

"  Its  all  over  with  us,"  cried  the  doctor,  in  de- 
spair— "  I  shall  perish,  and  what  is  worse  than  all, 
the  most  noble  science  ever  invented  will  pencil 
with  me  ?" 

"  Pray,  sir,"  said  I  to  the  landlord,  who  had  just 
made  his  appearance,  with  a  portly  figure,  a  laugh- 
ing eye,  and  a  jolly  careless  gait,  giving  shrewd  pro- 
mise of  a  pestilent  wag — "  Pray,  sir,  what  is  the 
name  of  the  person  who  rode  up  just  now  .?" 

"  Why  we  call  the  fellow  Abaellino,"  answered 
mine  host. 

"  The  great  bandit,"  echoed  I. 

"  You  may  say  that,"  replied  he—"  that  fellow 
is  the  greatest  robber  and  murderer  in  a  hundred 
miles  round." 

23 


266 

;>  I  told  you  so,1'  said  the  doctor  aside  to  me. 

"Divine  science  of  phrenology  !"  aspirated  I 
with  fervour. 

"  A  robber  and  murderer  !"  resumed  the  doctor 
after  a  pause — "  why  is  he  not  secured  and  pu- 
nished ?" 

"  O,  we  can't  well  do  without  him,"  rejoined  the 
other — "  he  is  the  butcher  of  the  village,  and  though 
he  regularly  robs  us  in  the  way  of  his  business,  we 
don't  like  to  turn  our  backs  upon  his  beef  and  mutton." 
.So  saying,  he  invited  us  into  the  house,  and  at  our 
request  showed  us  into  a  room  he  called  the  moon, 
by  ourselves.  After  sitting  silent  awhile  with  his 
face  rather  averted,  the  doctor  slowly  moved  his 
head  upon  the  pivot  of  his  neck,  and  looking  me  full 
in  the  eye,  began — 

"  This  mistake,  as  it  doubtless  appears  to  you 
who  are  not  yet  thoroughly  initiated  into  the  mys- 
teries of  the  science,  only  the  more  convinces  me 
of  the  infallibility  of  the  organs  of  the  cerebellum, 
in  disclosing  to  the  scientific  adept,  the  mysteries  of 
every  variety  of  human  character.  With  what  un- 
erring instinct,  as  it  were,  did  I  dive  into  the  secret 
propensities  of  the  man  who  has  just  left  us.  That 
his  trade  or  profession  was  murder,  I  had  not  the 
least  doubt ;  but  whether  a  murderer  of  men  or 
beasts,  the  cerebellum  does  not  sufficiently  indi- 
cate •,  at  least  I  confess  I  have  not  yet  detected  the 
precise  development  of  the  organ  of  murder,  which 


267 

points  out  the  difference  between  the  slayer  of  men. 
and  the  slayer  of  beasts." 

"  What  a  pity !"   replied  I,  sighing. 

"  Certainly  it  is  to  be  lamented,"  continued  the 
doctor,  "  but  it  is  no  impeachment  of  a  science,  to 
say  that  it  is  not  perfect.  There  are  other  defects 
in  our  science,  which  it  is  one  of  the  objects  of  this 
pilgrimage  to  remedy  or  remove.  It  is  not  yet  set- 
tled in  my  system,  whether  mind  operates  upon 
matter,  or  matter  upon  mind  ;  in  other  words,  whe- 
ther those  developments,  which  so  unerringly  indi- 
cate the  presence  or  absence  of  certain  qualities,  or 
propensities  of  the  animal  man — " 

"  I  thought  you  said  he  called  man  a  machine," 
interrupted  the  Man  Machine  rather  impatiently. 

"  So  he  did  at  first,"  replied  Le  Peigne — "  but 
this  time  I  am  positive  he  called  him  an  animal." 

"  He  was  a  fool  for  his  pains— but  I  beg  pardon  ; 
go  on,  sir." 

Doctor  Gallgotha,  continued  Mr.  I^e  Peigne, 
was  saying  that  he  was  not  satisfied  in  his  own 
mind  whether  those  cerebral  developments,  which  so 
unerringly  indicated  the  presence  or  absence  of  cer- 
tain decided  and  governing  qualities  or  propensities 
of  the  animal  man,  were  the  cause  or  the  effect  of 
these  qualities  and  propensities.  "  This  doubt,"  con- 
tinued he,  "  has  occasioned  me  infinite  trouble  and 
vexation,  since  upon  its  decision  depends  the  great 
point,  whether  mind  or  matter  is  predominant  in  in- 


263 

teUectual  beings.  Whether  in  fact,  mind  is  the  seal, 
and  matter  the  wax,  or  vice  rersd,  is  what  I  must  of 
necessity  decide  experimentally  and  demonstrably, 
before  I  publish  my  system  to  the  universe." 

At  this  moment  there  was  a  loud  uproar  and 
bawling  in  the  passage,  which  attracted  our  atten- 
tion, and  drew  us  to  that  quarter,  where  we  found 
the  jolly  landlord  chastising  a  boy  belonging  to  the 
house,  for  some  fault  or  other.  The  lad  roared 
manfully,  but  the  landlord  continued  his  discipline, 
until  at  our  intercession  he  let  him  off.  I  observ- 
ed that  doctor  Gallgotha  took  particular  notice  of 
the  stick  with  which  the  chastisement  was  inflicted, 
and  picking  it  up,  examined  it  with  strict  attention. 
When  we  returned  to  our  room,  he  seized  my  hand, 
and  squeezing  it  with  trembling  enthusiasm  cried 
out, 

"  Heureka  !   Heureka  !  I  have  found  it  !" 

"  Found  what  ?"  said  I,  a  little  alarmed  least  the 
doctor  had  lost  some  such  thing  as  his  wits,  rather 
than  found  any  thing  valuable. 

"  I  have  received  a  full  solution  of  my  doubt,  in 
the  simple  incident  we  have  just  witnessed.  Behold 
how  we  philosophers  differ  from  other  men,  in  con- 
verting apparently  the  meanest,  most  trivial  inci- 
dents into  the  foundation  and  supports  of  a  theory. 
Look  at  this  stick — it  has  settled  a  point  that  has 
puzzled  the  wits  of  the  wisest  of  all  ages." 


269 

I  looked  at  the  stick,  and  was  obliged  to  confess 
that  I  saw  nothing  very  particular  about  it — it 
was  not  even  a  witch-hazel.  The  doctor  smiled 
with  an  ineffable  yet  condescending  look  of  supe- 
riority. 

"  Didst  thou  observe  how  the  application  of  this 
stick  affected  the  mind  of  that  boy  so  as  to  cause 
him  to  writhe,  and  shrink,  and  cry  out  aloud  .?" 

"  I  did." 

"And  didst  thou  see  or  hear  any  thing  of  this 
kind  proceeding  from  the  stick  '?" 

"  Verily  no." 

"  Very  well — thus  then  we  have  a  convincing 
example,  better  than  all  the  argument  in  the 
world,  that  it  is  matter  which  operates  upon  mind 
and  not  mind  upon  matter,  since  we  see  this  stick, 
which  is  altogether  composed  of  matter,  is  not  the 
least  affected  by  the  stripes,  at  the  same  time  that 
the  mind  of  the  lad  is  entirely  overcome,  even  unto 
tears  and  wailings." 

1  could  almost  have  fallen  at  the  feet  of  the  man 
whose  capacious  mind  could  thus,  as  it  were,  like 
some  potent  enchanter,  settle  the  whole  universe 
with  the  aid  only  of  a  little  stick  or  wand.  Every 
moment  he  gained  upon  my  admiration,  and  I  had 
forgot  even  that  1  had  not  tasted  food  all  day  long, 
when  the  maid  servant  opportunely  came  in  witii 
our  supper.  Scarcely  had  she  placed  it  on  the  table 
when  the  doctor  cried  out — 
23* 


270 

"  Come  hither,  my  pretty  girl." 

She  approached,  blushing  and  bridling,  and  real)} 
looking  quite  charming. 

"  Pshaw  !"  said  the  doctor,  "  turn  your  back — I 
don't  want  to  see  your  face — its  not  worth  looking 
at.  Mercy  upon  us !  what  a  development  of  the 
organ  of  amativeness — truly  thou  hast  a  neck  like  a 
bull !  Thou  art  over  head  and  ears  in  love,  I  war- 
rant thee — and  here — here  too  is  the  organ  of  se- 
cretiveness,  big  enough  to  hold  a  stout  strapping 
lover  as  secretly  as  a  kernel  in  a  nutshell.  And 
here,  bless  me  ! — here  is  the  organ  of  inquisitiveness 
swelled  out  to  an  enormous  size — Damsel,  confess 
now,  thou  hast  listened  at  a  half-open  door,  and 
peeped  through  a  key -hole  many  a  time  and  oft — 
hey  ?" 

The  damsel  took  this  insinuation  in  dudgeon, 
flounced  out  of  the  room  in  a  hurry,  and  proclaim- 
ed in  the  kitchen  that  there  was  a  witch,  or  a  ne- 
cromancer in  the  moon.  There  was  no  getting  her 
into  the  room  again  the  whole  evening.  After 
supper  we  lighted  our  pipes,  for  I  had  learned  to 
smoke  at  the  instance  of  the  doctor,  who  assured 
me  it  was  the  best  medium  for  philosophising  in 
the  world.  Doctor  Gallgotha  then  resumed  the 
conversation  on  the  mysteries  and  doubts  which 
gave  him  so  much  trouble  and  stood  so  directly  in 
the  way  of  the  progress  of  this  stupendous  science. 
By   degrees   we    penetrated    deeper  and    deeper 


271 

into  the  profundity  of  phrenology,  and  step  by  step 
arrived  at  the  conclusion  that  it  was  not  only  the 
most  noble  of  all  the  sciences,  but  that,  if  it  could 
only  be  brought  to  perfection,  it  would  supersede 
the  necessity  of  all  other  modes  of  human  know- 
ledge. In  proportion  as  the  smoke  of  our  pipes 
became  more  dense  and  impenetrable,  did  our  men- 
tal vision  seem  to  become  more  clear  and  penetra- 
ting, until  we  discovered  through  the  mists  that  en- 
veloped us,  the  consummation  of  all  our  anticipa- 
tions in  the  universal  establishment  of  the  sublime 
mysteries  of  the  cerebral  development.  Then  ex- 
perience would  be  unnecessary  and  knowledge  of 
the  world  superfluous — then  men  would  no  longer 
depend  upon  the  vague  and  uncertain  indications  of 
character  exhibited  by  human  actions — then  inex- 
perience would  no  longer  be  the  dupe  of  cunning 
and  deception — and  even  children  might  be  taught 
a  profound  insight  into  the  characters  of  each  other, 
by  studying  the  infallible  auguries  of  the  cerebral 
development. 

Suddenly  however  we  were  brought  down  to  the 
level  of  humanity,  by  a  confusion  of  voices,  screams 
and  exclamations,  which  proceeded  from  the  adjoin- 
ing room,  where  we  had  deposited  our  baggage. 
On  hastening  thither  we  beheld  a  scene  which 
beggars  description.  It  seems  the  jolly  landlord  had 
that  evening  expected  a  bag  of  cabbages  from  a 
garden  he  possessed,  a  little  way  out  of  the  village, 


272 

but  had  gone  to  bed  without  thinking  lo  inquire 
whether  they  were  actually  arrived.  The  circum- 
stance occurred  to  him  while  in  bed,  and  as  he 
was  one  of  those  fidgety  impatient  bodies  that  can 
never  sleep  with  a  doubt  on  their  minds,  he  had 
rung  the  bell  and  directed  the  fair  damsel  with  the 
organ  of  inquisitiveness  so  finely  developed,  to 
search  for  the  bag  of  cabbages,  and  let  him  know 
whether  it  had  come.  In  pursuance  of  this  order, 
she  at  length  encountered  our  bag,  and  feeling 
something  round  in  it,  untied  the  string,  put  in 
her  hand  and  brought  out  the  identical  skull  of  Quin- 
tilius  Varus,  grinning  defiance  to  Arminius  and  all 
his  host.  The  poor  girl  screamed  and  fell  flat  on  the 
floor,  upsetting  at  the  same  time  the  bag,  which  pour- 
ed forth  its  contents,  rolling  in  all  directions  about 
the  room.  The  scream  brought  out  every  living 
thing  within  the  house,  not  excepting  the  cat  and 
the  dog.  As  they  entered  the  room  to  see  what 
was  the  matter,  they  encountered  the  implements  of 
phrenology,  and  tumbled  one  upon  the  other  in  hor- 
rible confusion,  screaming  with  terror  as  they  dis- 
covered the  obstacles  that  had  occasioned  their  fall. 
The  jolly  host  trembled  from  top  to  toe,  and  swore 
as  loudly  as  his  chattering  teeth  would  permit,  as  he 
stood  with  his  tufted  nightcap  on  one  side  of  his 
head;  the  innamorato  of  the  inquisitive  damsel,  who 
was  no  other  than  the  hostler,  now  hovered  over 
his  mistress  blubbering,  and  now  fell  a  kicking  the 


273 

innocent  causes  of  her  catastrophe — while  pussy 
delighted  with  so  pretty  a  plaything,  was  purring 
and  pawing  with  the  phrenological  index  of  poor 
Varus.  There  was  not  a  face  less  white  than  a 
sheet  in  the  whole  party,  except  that  of  the  African 
cook,  which  became  absolutely  ten  times  blacker 
than  ever  with  terror  and  dismay. 

When  doctor  Gallgotha  saw  the  pillars,  as  it 
were,  of  his  science  thus  overthrown  and  rolling  on 
the  floor,  subject  to  the  kicks  of  an  illiterate  clown 
and  the  pawings  of  an  ignorant  pussy,  he  lost  all 
patience,  and  exclaimed  in  a  hollow  voice  that 
seemed  to  come  from  one.  of  the  tongueless  remains 
before  us,  and  startled  even  me — 

"Avaunt!  base  and  illiterate  plebeians — fly — 
skip — and  leave  the  sacred  depositories  of  the  most 
sublime  and  incomprehensible  of  all  sciences  which 
ye  have  thus  impiously  assailed — leave  them  I  say 
— and  thou  most  sacrilegious  of  the  feline  breed,  no 
longer  pollute  with  thy  unhallowed  paw  the  remains 
of  thy  betters.  Look  at  me,"  continued  he — "  I 
come  from  the  regions  of  the  dead — I  have  been 
lor  more  than  thirty  years  the  companion  of  these 
eloquent  remains  that  speak  without  tongues  and 
philosophise  without  brains — I  have  conversed  all 
my  life  with  dead  men's  bones — and  may  say  with- 
out exaggeration  that  I  come  into  the  world  an 
envoy  from  the  grave  !" 

"A  ghost — a  ghost !"  shrieked  men,  women  and 


274 

children,  at  this  appalling  speech  ;  and  indeed  the 
doctor  had  something  extremely  supernatural  about 
him  at  that  moment.  His  pale  and  hollow  cheeks, 
sunken  eyes,  shining  forehead  and  skull  of  polished 
ivory,  unshadowed  by  a  single  hair,  as  he  stood 
holding  up  the  knob  of  Varus  in  his  hand,  altoge- 
ther seemed  to  justify  the  renewed  terrors  of  the 
group,  which  now  hurried  helter-skelter  out  of  the 
room  into  the  dark  entry,  where  the  jolly  landlord 
fell  over  the  damsel  with  the  organ  of  inquisitive- 
ness  so  finely  developed — the  black  cook  over  the 
jolly  landlord,  and  the  rest  one  upon  another  in 
horrible  confusion.  On  their  departure  the  doctor 
replaced  his  treasures  in  the  bag,  which  he  desired 
me  to  carry  up  into  our  sleeping  room,  where  we 
disposed  ourselves  to  rest.  The  last  thing  the 
good  man  did  before  he  fell  asleep  was  to  observe 
to  me  the  singular  exemplification  of  the  truth  of 
his  principles  which  had  just  occurred.  "  It  was 
phrenologically  impossible,"  said  he,  "  that  any 
other  person  in  the  house,  but  the  damsel  with  the 
organ  of  inquisitiveness,  should  have  had  the  curi- 
osity to  open  my  bag.'1 

We  slept  late  in  the  morning,  partly  owing  to  the 
fatigue  of  our  day's  journey  and  partly  to  the  cir- 
cumstance of  remaining  entirely  undisturbed.  Not 
a  soul  knocked  at  the  door,  and  the  region  about  us 
seemed  as  quiet  as  if  inhabited  only  by  Varus  and 
his  speechless  companions.     Seeing  the  sun  shining 


275 

bright  into  our  window,  I  got  up,  dressed  myself, 
and  waking  my  companion,  we  descended  together 
into  the  room  we  had  occupied  the  night  before. 
Not  a  soul  came  near  us,  and  there  was  no  symptom 
of  preparation  for  breakfast.  I  opened  a  door 
which  led  into  the  bar-room  to  inquire  for  some- 
body, and  detected  the  inquisitive  damsel  peeping 
through  the  key-hole.  She  screamed,  and  fled 
away  like  a  wild  crane.  "More  confirmation  of 
the  sublime  science,"  exclaimed  the  doctor,  rubbing 
his  hands — "but  I  should  like  something  to  eat." 
Once  more  1  opened  the  door  and  sallied  forth,  but 
could  find  no  living  soul  save  ourselves  in  the  whole 
house.  I  then  proceeded  to  the  stable,  where  by 
good  luck,  as  I  supposed,  I  encountered  the  hostler, 
who,  the  moment  he  saw  me  with  the  doctor  at  my 
heels,  who  by  this  time  had  overtaken  me,  seized 
his  pitch-fork  and  exclaimed,  "  Doant  ee  coom  noigh 
me — now  dontee — oi  should'nt  mooch  loike  to  kill 
a  spook,  but  by  gum  an  ye  coom  ony  noigher  oill 
make  day  light  shoine  through  two  holes  in  ee,  T 
wool — so  I  wool."  So  saying,  he  retreated  under 
cover  of  his  fork  into  the  recesses  of  the  stable  and 
there  entrenched  himself  behind  a  large  goat  who 
shouldered  his  horns  at  us  in  defiance. 

Perceiving  no  prospect  of  getting  any  breakfast 
here,  after  a  little  preliminary  discussion,  we  decided 
to  saddle  our  horse  and  proceed  forthwith  to  the 
next  town  as  fast  as  possible,  least  the  panic  should 


276 

precede  us.  The  hostler  stood  behind  his  en- 
trenchment and  witnessed  our  preparations  without 
the  least  apparent  disposition  to  interfere.  When 
all  was  ready,  the  doctor  proffered  payment  for  our 
entertainment  and  that  of  our  horse. 

"  Noa — noa,"  was  the  reply — "  Oi  want  none  of 
thy  diabolical  money,  not  oi — oi  dare  to  say  'twould 
set  moi  breeches  afire  or  turn  into  snakes  in  moi 
pocket — noa — noa — goa  ee  away  to  the  grave  where 
the  old  mon  says  he  belongs — art  welcome  to  the 
provender — dang  it  if  I  did'nt  think  he  eat  his  oat? 
different  from  a  Christian  horse  loike — goa — now 
do  goa,  or  dang  me  if  1  doant  stick  ee." 

"  Let  me  first  examine  your  cerebral  develop- 
ment to  see  if  you  are  really  inclined  to  commit  mur- 
der," quoth  the  doctor,  advancing. 

"  Shalt  see  it  quick  enough  if  thee  comest  any 
noigher,"  said  hostler,  marshaling  his  pitch-fork. 

"  Let  us  begone,"  said  the  doctor — "  I'd  as  soon 
attempt  to  teach  the  sublime  science  to  a  horse  as 
to  that  illiterate  Cyclops." 

Accordingly  we  proceeded  to  the  house  still  silent 
and  deserted  as  before,  placed  our  baggage  upon 
the  horse,  and  leaving  what  we  supposed  sufficient 
for  our  fare  upon  the  table,  departed  from  the  vil- 
lage. As  we  turned  to  take  a  last  look  at  the  inn, 
we  detected  the  inquisitive  damsel,  peeping  cau- 
tiously out  of  a  garret  window.  "  Still  new  demon- 
strations," cried  the  doctor,  and  for  a  time  forgot 


277 

he  had  eaten  no  breakfast.  I  afterwards  learned  that 
the  appearance  of  the  doctor  had  become  a  regular 
ghost  story,  already  incorporated  into  the  country 
legends,  and  that  the  jolly  landlord  would  not  touch 
the  money  we  left  on  the  table  until  it  had  been 
soundly  exorcised. 

Proceeding  on  our  journey,  about  noon  we  ar- 
rived at  a  town,  which,  being  the  seat  of  govern- 
ment of  a  sovereign  prince,  who  had  one  sixth  of  a 
vote  at  the  Diet,  and  whose  territory  was  full  a 
league  and  a  half  square,  was  a  place  of  some  con- 
sequence. Here  we  determined  to  stop  for  the 
purpose  of  refreshment,  and  with  a  design  to  stay 
long  enough  to  deliver  a  lecture  at  least.  Accord- 
ingly, advertisements  were  posted  up  in  the  most 
conspicuous  quarters— for  it  is  to  be  observed  the 
prince  would  not  allow  of  a  newspaper  in  his  do- 
minions, for  fear  it  might  overturn  his  empire an 

invitation  was  also  sent  to  the  prince  and  princess 
together  with  the  lords  and  ladies  of  the  court,  to 
httjoiir  with  their  presence  a  lecture  on  the  sublime 
science.  No  further  particulars  were  given.  "  VVe 
will  surprise  them,"  quoth  the  doctor,  «  with  an 
entire  novelty." 

The  best  apartment  of  the  inn  was  procured,  and 
dimly  lighted  to  suit  the  solemn  obscurity  of  the 
science  to  be  illustrated ;  and  the  table  behind  which 
the  doctor  stood  to  deliver  his  lecture  was  covered 
with  a  student's  black  cloak,  borrowed  for  the  occa- 
24 


278 

■>ion.  It  was  somewhat  late  in  the  evening  before 
the  lecture  began,  for  the  prince  always  took  a  nap 
after  dinner,  with  his  head  in  the  lap  of  his  mistress. 
Besides  this,  some  delay  occurred  in  consequence 
of  several  disputes  about  precedence  among  the 
nobility,  which  the  prince  settled  on  his  arrival.  It 
is  curious  by  the  way,  that  every  where  else  except 
at  courts,  when  two  well-bred  persons  are  going 
into  a  room  together,  the  contest  is  not  who  shall 
go  first  but  who  shall  go  last.  At  length,  however, 
every  thing  was  settled,  and  the  doctor  commenced 
his  lecture  by  explaining  the  first  principles,  and 
general  outlines  of  the  sublime  science.  Ail  this 
the  company  endured  with  exemplary  decorum. 
But  when,  for  the  purpose  of  exemplification,  he 
resorted  to  his  bag,  which  stood  at  his  side,  and  one 
by  one  leisurely  brought  forth  the  skulls  of  Varus 
and  his  companions,  there  was  a  terrible  uproar 
among  the  votaries  of  science.  The  sovereign  prin- 
cess shrieked  and  fainted  ;  of  course  the  ladies  of 
the  court  could  do  no  less  than  follow  her  example. 
During  their  insensibility  they  some  way  or  other 
managed  to  get  out  of  the  lecture-room,  leaving  me 
and  the  doctor  alone,  like  the  children  in  the  wood. 
The  prince  was  so  enraged  that  he  threatened  to 
shut  us  up  in  a  prison  he  had,  called  the  Seven  Tow- 
ers ;  but  from  this  he  was  dissuaded  by  a  cunning 
old  fox  of  a  minister  who  reminded  him  of  the  prac- 
tice of  throwing  a  tub  to  a  whale.     "  It  will  keep 


279 

the  people  from  thinking  and  talking  about  a  rep- 
resentative government  and  such  dangerous  mat- 
ters," said  he,  "  which  is  the  great  use  of  the  arts 
and  sciences."  So  we  escaped  the  prison  of  the 
Seven  Towers.  We  heard  afterwards  that  the  reign- 
ing princess  had  been  brought  to  bed  of  a  young 
prince  whose  cerebral  development  was  exactly 
that  of  Quintilius  Varus. 

I  shall  pass  over  the  various  incidents  of  the  re- 
maining portion  of  our  journey  till  we  reached 
Paris,  merely  observing  that  the  doctc,  by  reason 
of  enlisting  every  thing  that  fell  in  his  way  among 
the  demonstrations  and  exemplifications  of  the  sub- 
lime science,  had  established  it,  in  his  own  mind, 
ten  times  stronger  than  ever,  and  so  firmly  convinc- 
ed himself  and  me,  that  we  would  have  laid  down 
our  lives  in  defence  of  is  principles.  By  the  time 
we  arrived  at  Paris,  we  were  precisely  in  that  state 
of  enthusiastic  excitement,  which  the  vulgar  call 
madness,  but  which  philosophers  and  theorists  well 
know  proceeds  from  an  innate  and  heaven-born 
conviction  of  the  truth,  connected  with  a  vehement 
zeal  in  its  propagation. 

At  Paris  we  found  the  throne  of  science,  as  it 
were,  deserted  and  vacant.  Ever  since  the  fashion- 
able world  became  scientific,  it  has  been  observ- 
ed that  nothing  but  novelty  will  go  down  at  lectures. 
They  get  tired  even  of  inspiration,  if  too  often  re- 
peated, and  the  noblest  truths  of  the  most  sublime 
sciences  are  interesting  and  attractive  only  so  long 


280 

as  they  continue  to  be  new.  They  coquette  wiUj 
the  sciences,  as  they  do  with  their  lovers,  and  a  new 
science  to  a  fashionable  blue  stocking,  is  as  a  new 
face  or  a  new  fashion.  In  this  state  was  Paris  on 
our  arrival.  The  astronomers  with  their  great 
telescopes  had  ransacked  the  heavens  until  not  a 
single  incognito  star  remained  ;  the  botanists  could 
find  no  new  plants  to  christen  with  unchristian 
names ;  the  naturalists  having  exhausted  the  living 
world,  were  busily  employed  upon  antediluvian 
bones;  the  chymists  having  become  tired  of  enact- 
ing the  bottle  conjuror,  were  fast  relapsing  into 
their  former  usefulness  and  confining  their  lec- 
tures to  those  who  only  came  there  to  be  in- 
structed. In  short,  the  old  thread-bare  sciences 
were  quite  out  of  favour  with  the  fashionable 
amateurs,  as  affording  nothing  but  useful  prac- 
tical knowledge,  only  fit  for  musty  scholars  and 
greasy  mechanics.  There  was  not  a  good  joke 
stirring  in  all  Paris — nor  a  new  tragedy  to  frighten 
the  government,  with  declamations  about  liberty  in 
the  mouth  of  a  Greek  patriot — nor  a  rumour  of  a 
conspiracy,  an  intrigue,  or  a  change  in  the  ministry 
to  keep  people  from  dying  of  ennui,  which  they  cer- 
tainly would  have  done  if  it  had  not  been  for  a  cer- 
tain ultra-viscount  and  his  new  theatre.  In  short, 
we  came  in  the  nick  of  time,  and  the  whole  world 
was,  as  it  were,  before  us. 

The  doctor  lost  no  time  in  announcing  his  arrival, 
and  calling  upon  some  of  the  most  confirmed  Mas- 


281 

cenii  of  the  cuy,  who  are  said  to  be  so  fond  of  pa- 
tronage that  they  consider  it  a  great  obligation  for 
any  body  to  apply  for  it  at  their  hands.  One  of 
these  was  a  good  lady,  who  immediately  got  into 
her  carriage,  and  before  night  had  engaged  half  the 
beau-monde  of  Paris  to  come  to  the  lecture  on  an 
entire  new  science,  which  had  never  before  been 
heard  of  among  the  learned.  In  truth,  a  most  bril- 
liant audience  collected  to  hear  the  doctor,  who  on 
this  occasion  for  the  first  time  promoted  me  to  the 
office  of  handing  and  returning  the  cerebral  deve- 
lopments as  he  had  occasion  to  use  them  in  the  course 
of  his  lecture. 

The  lecture  with  which  Dr.  Gallgotha  commen- 
ced his  course  in  Paris,  was  the  same  that  frightened 
the  sovereign  princess  and  her  court  into  tits  ;  but 
I  will  do  the  ladies  of  Paris  the  justice  to  say  that 
they  stood  the  display  of  our  phrenological  speci- 
mens, like  heroines  ;  whether  it  be  that  the  French 
women  are  naturally  bolder  than  the  German,  or 
that  a  certain  fashionable  philosopher  had  in  some 
degree  prepared  them  for  scientific  horrors,   by  his 
exhibition  of  fossil  remains.     The  thing  took  ama- 
zingly—there was  something  new  in  the  idea  of 
looking  at  the  back  of  the  head,  instead  of  the  face, 
to  ascertain  the  peculiarities  of  human  character, 
and  novelty  is  indispensable  to  the  existence  of  peo- 
ple who  have  exhausted  all  other  pleasures.  There 
were  indeed  some  ladies  belonging  to  the  coteries  o{ 
24* 


282 

the  old  lecturers,  who  affected  to  laughal  the  doctors 
theory,  but  even  they  were  effectually  silenced  by  a 
discovery  of  my  master,  that  the  organ  of  tune  was 
developed  in  the  head  of  the  famous  composer  Ros- 
sini, to  such  a  degree  that  it  had  actually  monopo- 
lized nearly  the  whole  of  his  cerebellum.  There 
was  no  resisting  this  proof,  not  only  that  Rossini 
was  a  great  composer  of  tunes,  but  likewise  that  the 
doctor's  science  was  infallible.  The  fiddler  and 
the  doctor  accordingly  were  the  two  greatest  men 
in  Paris.  The  rage  for  cerebral  'developments  be- 
came intense,  and  thenceforward  every  lady  of  the 
least  pretensions  to  fashion  or  science  procured  a 
skull,  marked  and  mapped  conformably  with  the 
principles  of  the  sublime  science,  which  she  placed 
on  her  toilet  in  order  that  she  might  dress  and  study 
at  the  same  time.  Two  or  three  of  the  most  zeal- 
ous female  devotees  actually  fell  in  love  with  the 
doctor,  being  deeply  smitten  with  his  cerebral  de- 
velopment. The  fashionable  gentlemen  whose  sole 
business  is  to  make  love,  began  to  grow  jealous  of 
Varus  and  his  legions,  and  one  or  two  ludicrous 
anecdotes  occurred  which  set  all  Paris  tittering.  I 
will  relate  them,  although  I  cannot  vouch  for  their 
(ruth  any  farther  than  to  say  that  every  body  be- 
lieved them. 

A  young  nobleman  was  deeply  enamoured  of  a 
beautiful  lady  of  high  rank,  and  particularly  jealous 
of  one  of  his  rivals  who  wore  powder  in  bis  hair.  He 


28S 

had  been  absent  some  weeks  on  military  duty,  and 
returning  to  town  one  evening,  proceeded  directly 
to  the  house  of  his  mistress  intending  to  surprise  her 
with  a  visit.  Finding  a  servant  at  the  door,  he  in- 
quired for  the  lady,  and  was  told  that  she  was  so 
deeply  engaged  that  she  could  see  nobody.  The 
jealousy  of  the  lover  was  alarmed,  and  pushing  the 
servant  aside,  he  proceeded  silently  towards  the 
lady's  boudoir,  the  door  of  which  he  found  shut. 
Pausing  a  moment,  he  heard  as  he  imagined  two 
voices  within  exchanging  words  of  most  particular 
endearment,  and  something  in  the  pauses  that  sound- 
ed like  kissing.  Human  nature  could  stand  it  no 
longer.  He  peeped  through  the  key-hole  where 
he  saw  a  sight  that  drove  him  to  madness.  The 
lady  was  sitting  by  the  light  of  a  fire  which  was  fast 
going  out,  caressing  and  fondling  a  figure,  the  white- 
ness of  whose  head  too  well  indicated  his  detesta- 
ble powdered  rival.  From  time  to  time  he  heard 
the  words  amativeness,  adhesiveness,  hope,  secre- 
tiveness  and  elopement,  or  something  that  sounded 
very  like  it.  The  thing  was  perfectly  plain — they 
were  exchanging  professions  6¥  love  and  planning 
an  elopement.  The  sight  and  the  conviction  was 
no  longer  to  be  borne.  He  burst  open  the  door 
furiously,  and  being  in  full  uniform  as  an  officer  of 
the  guards,  drew  his  sword  and  making  a  desperate 
blow  at  the  powdered  head,  it  flew  off  the  shoulders 
and  rolled  upon  the  floor.     The  lady  shrieked  and 


284 

sunk  from  her  seat ;  and  the  jealous  lover  hearing 
a  noise  in  the  outward  apartments,  and  supposing 
he  had  done  the  gen  .eman's  business  pretty  effect- 
ually, bethought  himself  that  it  was  high  time  to 
take  care  of  himself.  He  accordingly  made  the 
best  of  his  way  out  of  the  house,  towards  the  gate 
-St.  Honors,  through  which  he  hurried  into  the  coun- 
try, nor  stopped  till  he  had  safely  lodged  himself 
within  his  castle  in  Normandy. 

From  thence  he  wroie  a  letter  filled  with  the  most 
cutting  reproaches — charging  his  mistress  with  false- 
hood, cruelty,  deceit,  and  all  sorts  of  villany,  and 
vowing  on  the  cross  of  his  sword,  never  to  see  her 
more.  The  lady  laughed  two  full  hours  on  the 
receipt  of  this  defiance.  When  she  had  done  laugh- 
ing, as  she  really  had  a  regard  for  her  admirer,  she 
sat  down  and  wrote  him  the  following  reply  : 
"  Good  Monsieur  Jealousy — 

"  You  are  welcome  to  call  me  what  you  will, 
except  it  be  old  or  ugly.  However,  I  forgive  you. 
and  so  does  the  formidable  rival  whose  head  you 
so  dexterously  severed  from  his  body,  and  who  I 
give  you  my  honour*is  not  the  least  the  worse  for 
the  accident.  I  solemnly  assure  you,  you  may 
come  back  to  Paris  without  the   ieast  danger  of 

being  prosecuted  by  the  family  of  monsieur  M 

or  being  received  by  u,e  with  ill  humour,  for  I 
shall  laugh  at  you  terribly. 

"Your  friend,  N.N," 


285 

This  epistle  puzzled  the  lover  not  a  little,  and 
caused  him  fifty  sensations  in  a  minute.  First  he 
would  return  to  Paris,  and  then  he  would  not- 
then  he  resolved  never  to  see  his  mistress  again— 
and  next  to  mount  his  horse,  return  immediately, 
look  her  stone  dead,  and  then  set  out  on  his  travels 
to  the  interior  of  Africa.  This  last  resolution  car- 
ried the  day,  and  he  forthwith  returned  to  Paris 
in  as  great  a  hurry  as  he  had  left  it.  When  the 
lady  saw  him,  she  was  as  good  as  her  word— she 
laughed  herself  out  of  breath,  and  the  more  he  re- 
proached her,  the  louder  she  laughed.  However,  as 
anger  and  laughter  can't  last  for  ever,  a  truce  took 
place  in  good  time,  and  the  lady  addressed  her  lover 
as  follows  : 

"  Cease  thy  reproaches,  my  good  friend,  and  hear 
me.  I  am  determined  to  give  you  the  most  con- 
vincing proof  in  the  world  of  my  truth  and  attach- 
ment, by  delivering  your  rival  into  your  hands,  to 
be  dealt  with  as  you  think  proper.  Know  that  he 
is  now  concealed  in  this  very  room." 

"  Is  he  ?"  replied  the  other  in  a  rage— "then  by 
heaven  he  has  not  long  to  live— I  shall  take  care  to 
cut  off  his  head  so  effectually  this  time  that  the  most 
expert  surgeon  in  Paris  shali  not  put  it  on  again— 
where  is  the  lurking  caitiff?— But  1  need  not  ask 
—I  see  his  infernal  powdered  head  peeping  from 
Under  the  sopha— come  out  villain  and  receive  the 
reward  of  thy  insolence  in  rivalling  me." 


286 

So  saying,  he  seized  the  treacherous  powdered 
head,  and  to  his  astonishment  drew  it  forth  without 
any  body  to  it.  He  stood  aghast — and  the  lady 
threw  herself  on  the  sopha,  and  laughed  ten  times 
louder  than  before. 

"  What  in  the  name  of  woman,"  cried  he  at  last, 
"'  is  the  meaning  of  all  this  mummery  ?" 

"  It  means  that  I  am  innocent — and  that  your 
worship  is — jealous  of  the  skull,  or  what  is  worse, 
the  plaster  counterfeit  of  the  skull  of  your  great- 
grand-mother,  the  immortal  author  of  the  Grand 
Cyrus.  I  was  but  admiring  the  beautiful  indication 
of  the  amative  organ,  from  which  it  plainly  appears 
impossible  that  any  other  person  could  have  writ- 
ten such  prodigiously  long  developments  of  the  ten- 
der passion.1' 

"  But  why  did  you  kiss  the  filthy  representation 
of  mortality  ?" 

"  You  were  mistaken,"  answered  the  lady — "  as 
the  room  was  rather  dark,  I  placed  my  face  close  to 
it  in  order  the  better  to  see  and  admire  its  beautiful 
cerebral  development. " 

u  Its  what  ?"  replied  the  lover  impatiently. 

"  Its  phrenological  indications." 

"  And  what  in  the  name  of  heaven  are  these?" 
cried  the  lover  in  some  alarm  for  the  intellects  of  his 
fair  mistress.  The  lady  then  proceeded  to  explain 
to  him  the  revolution  in  science  which  had  taken 
place  during  his   absence  ;    and  a    reconciliation 


287 

being  the  consequence,  that  night  took  him  to  the 
doctor's  lecture  that  he  might  no  longer  be  an 
age  behind  the  rest  of  the  world.  The  story  got 
abroad — indeed  the  lady  couid  not  resist  teiiing 
it  herself  to  a  friend  with  strict  injunctions  of  secre- 
cy— and  all  Paris  became  still  more  devoted  to  the 
sublime  science  for  having  afforded  such  an  excel- 
lent subject  for  a  joke. 

The  other  story  relates  to  a  young  nobleman 
whose  situation  near  the  king,  and  orthodox  ultra- 
ism,  made  him  a  very  distinguished  person  in  the 
beau-monde.  But  he  was  distiiu,-  ;lshed  only  in  a 
certain  way ;  that  is,  he  was  a  sort  ut  butt,  on  whose 
shoulders  every  ridiculous  incident  was  regularly 
fathered,  whether  it  owed  its  paternity  to  him  or 
not.  As  Pasquin  stands  sponsor  for  all  the  wise 
sayings  of  Rome,  so  M.  the  Viscount  came  in  for 
all  the  foolish  actions  of  Paris.  He  was,  as  it  were, 
residuary  legatee  to  all  the  posthumous  follies  of  his 
ancestors,  as  well  as  the  living  absurdities  of  his 
noble  contemporaries.  He  was  one  of  those  peo- 
ple who  fancy  themselves  most  eminently  qualified 
for  that  for  which  they  are  most  peculiarly  unfit, 
and  whom  folly  and  vanity  combined,  are  perpetu- 
ally stimulating  to  act  in  direct  opposition  to  nature 
or  destiny.  He  was  contemptible  in  his  person — 
yet  he  set  up  for  a  beau  and  Adonis — he  was  still 
more  contemptible  in  mind — yet  he  never  rested 
till  he  had  bought  the  title  of  a  Maecenas  and  a 
savan,  of  an  industrious  manufacturer  of  ultra-dog- 


288 

gerel  rhymes,  whom  he  had  got  into  the  National  In- 
stitute. He  was,  moreover,  born  for  a  valet,  or  at 
best,  a  pastry  cook — yet  he  aspired  to  the  lofty  chi- 
valry and  inflexible  honour  of  a  feudal  baron  ;  and 
he  became  a  soldier  only,  as  it  would  seem,  because 
he  was  the  greatest  coward  in  all  Paris.  It  was 
well  known  that  he  gave  five  hundred  franks  to  a 
noted  bully  to  let  him  beat  him  at  a  public  coffee 
house,  and  afterwards  allowed  his  brother,  a  tall 
grenadier,  a  pension  not  to  kill  him  for  it. 

The  viscount  had  likewise  been  absent  some 
months  at  a  small  town,  in  one  of  the  northern  de- 
partments, whither  he  had  gone  to  suppress  an  insur- 
rection, began  by  two  or  three  fish  women,  stimula- 
ted as  was  shrewd!)  suspected,  by  an  old  gardener, 
who  had,  as  was  confidently  asserted,  been  one  of 
Napoleon's  trumpeters.  On  his  return,  he  for  the 
first  time  heard  of  the  sublime  science  and  its  pro- 
gress among  the  beau-monde.  The  viscount  hated 
all  innovations  in  science,  or  indeed  any  thing  else. 
He  aspired  to  be  a  second  Joshua,  and  to  make  the 
sun  of  intellect  at  least  stand  still,  if  he  could  not 
make  it  go  backwards  as  he  had  good  hopes  of 
doing.  Without  waiting  to  hear  anv  of  the  parti- 
culars of  our  exhibition,  he  hastened,  armed  and  in 
uniform  as  he  was,  to  the  hotel  wnere  the  doctor 
was  at  that  moment  just  commencing  a  lecture. 

The  valiant  viscount  advanced  with  great  intre- 
pidity close  to  the  table,  and  leaning  gracefully  on 


289 

his  sword,  listened  in  silence  to  discover  whether 
there  was  any  thing  that  smacked  of  democracy  or 
heterodoxy.     At  the  proper  moment  I  put  my  hand 
into  our  Golgotha,  and  leisurely  drew  forth  the  far- 
famed  skull  of  Varus,  who  I  have  always  consider- 
ed the  most  fortunate  man  of  all  antiquity,  in  hav- 
ing been  surprised  aid  slain  in  the  now  more  me- 
morable than  ever  forest  of  Teutoburgium.      As  we 
scientific  gentlemen  have  a  hawk's  eye  for  a  new 
comer,  one  of  whom  is  worth  a  host  of  old  faces  at  a 
lecture,  I  took   care  in  bringing  the  cerebral  de- 
velopment forth,  to  thurst  it  directly  towards  the  face 
of  the  viscount  with  the  teeth  foremost.  The  viscount 
fell  back,  fainted,  and  lay  insensible  for  some  mi- 
nutes.    But  the  moment  he   revived,  he   started 
upon  his  legs  in  a  phrenzy  of  terror,  and  began  to 
lay  about  him  with  his  good  sword  so  valiantly  that 
nobody  dared  to  come  near  him.     First  he  attacked 
the  doctor  and  myself,  who  he  charged  with  the 
massacre  of  the  eleven  thousand   virgins,  and  the 
introduction  of  infidel  skulls  into  France,  which  was 
tantamount  to  preaching  infidelity.      The  innocent 
cerebellum  of  poor  Varus,  next  felt  the  effects  of 
his  terror-inspired  valour.     He  hacked  it  until  the 
cerebral  development  was  entirely  destroyed,  and 
then  proceeded  in  like  manner  to  make  an  example 
of  the  contents  of  the  bag,  which  he  shivered  with- 
out mercy,  with  his  invincible  sword.     In  short, 
before  he  fairly  came  to  his  senses,  the  worthy  gen- 


290 

tleman  had  demolished  Jmost  every  thing  in  the 
room — put  out  the  lights  and  frightened  every  soul 
from  the  lecture.  The  solitude  and  darkness 
which  succeeded,  brought  him  gradually  to  his 
recollection,  when  finding  himself  thus  left  alone 
with  the  ruins  of  so  many  pagan  skulls,  he  gave  a 
great  shriek,  scampered  out  of  the  room,  and  did 
not  stop  until  he  had  sheltered  himself  in  the  very 
centre  of  a  corporal  and  his  guard,  belonging  to  his 
regiment,  who  all  swore  they  would  stand  by  him 
to  the  last  drop  of  their  blood. 

This  adventure  was  fatal  to  my  master,  Dr.  Gall  - 
gotha.  In  the  first  place,  it  deprived  him  of  nearly 
the  whole  of  his  phrenological  specimens,  and  with- 
out these  he  was  like  a  workman  despoiled  of  his 
tools.  Besides,  the  viscount  had  the  very  next 
morning  demanded  an  audience  of  the  king,  in  which 
he  denounced  the  doctor,  as  tinctured  very  strongly 
with  liberalism,  and  its  invariable  concomitants  of 
sacrilege  and  impiety.  Now  I  will  venture  to 
affirm,  that  the  good  doctor  was  not  only  perfectly 
ignorant  of  the  very  meaning  of  the  word  liberal,  but 
that  he  was  equally  innocent  of  the  other  two 
charges.  The  truth  is,  all  his  organs  of  faith,  mo- 
rality and  politics,  were  swallowed  up,  or  elbowed 
out  of  the  cerebellum,  by  the  prodigious  expansion 
of  the  organ  of  ideality  or  invention.  However 
this  may  be,  the  king  was  more  afraid  of  the  three 
abominations   of  liberalism,  than  of  plague,  pes- 


291 

tilence  and  famine.  He  consulted  the  Jesuits, 
who  forthwith  decided  upon  taking  the  poor  doctor 
and  all  his  works  into  custody.  The  valiant  •  is- 
count,  who  always  volunteered  in  all  cases  of  libe- 
ralism and  impiety,  undertook  the  task,  aided  by  a 
guard  of  soldiers  armed  in  proof,  for  he  did  not 
know  but  the  doctor  might  have  another  bag  full  of 
pericraniums.  Advancing  with  great  caution  they 
surrounded  the  house,  while  the  captain  of  the  guard 
with  three  stout  resolute  fellows,  entered  for  the 
purpose  of  reconnoitering  the  ground  and  especially 
of  ascertaining  that  there  wt  re  no  skulls  to  frighten 
the  viscount.  That  gallant  soldier,  having  set- 
tled the  latter  point  to  his  satisfaction,  charged 
bayonet,  in  the  rear  of  his  guards,  and  rushing  up 
stairs  in  spite  of  Varus  and  his  legions,  detected  the 
doctor  in  the  very  act  of  committing  to  memory  a 
new  lecture  he  had  just  composed  for  the  purpose 
o(  demonstrating  that  there  was  a  certain  organ  of 
the  cerebellum,  the  enlarged  development  of  which 
always  entailed  upon  its  possessor  the  absolute 
necessity  of  committing  murder.  The  dot  tor  and  I 
were  clapped  up  in  prison,  and  his  lecture  carried  to 
court  to  undergo  a  strict  examination  by  the  king's 
confessor  and  the  Jesuits. 

It  was  sometime  before  these  expert  mousers  of 
radicalism  and  infidelity  could  make  any  thing  of 
the  doctor's  lecture,  or  discover  any  offence  to 
church  or  state.     At  length  they  came  to  that  pari; 


292 

where,  in  summing  up  the  subject,  he  laid  down  the 
doctrine  of  the  actual  necessity  certain  persons  la- 
boured under  of  committing  murder,  and  that  the 
rule  applied  as  well  to  kings  as  to  their  subjects. 

"  He  inculcates  the  doctrine  of  equality,"  cried 
one — "  he  denies  the  divine  right  of  kings." 

"  He  is  a  republican,"  cried  a  second. 

"He  is  a  traitor,"  cried  a  third. 

A  little  farther  on  they  found  the  following  asser- 
tion— "  I  deny  that  the  three  legions  of  Varus  form- 
ed one  body." 

"  Behold  !"  said  the  confessor — "  he  denies  the 
trinity — he  maintains  that  three  is  not  one — enough, 
let  us  burn  the  book  and  hang  the  doctor." 

Some  of  the  more  moderate  counselors,  how- 
ever, as  I  afterwards  learned,  petitioned  for  a  miti- 
gation of  the  sentence,  which  was  finally  com- 
muted into  perpetual  banishment.  We  were  sent 
for  to  hear  our  doom,  and  the  viscount  who  al- 
ways liked  a  good  natured  errand  was  the  bearer 
of  the  message.  As  we  followed  him  into  the  pa- 
lace, which  we  all  entered  uncovered,  the  doctor 
observed  to  me  that  the  viscount  had  a  most  for- 
midable development  of  the  organ  of  self-esteem. 
The  confessor  lectured  the  doctor  upon  his  vile 
infidelity,  his  liberalism,  and  disaffection  to  church 
and  state,  all  which  came  as  naturally  together  as 
so  many^chymical  affinities,     The  doctor  demand- 


293 

ed  the  proof,  and  was  referred  to  the  passages  1 
have  just  repeated. 

It  was  in  vain  I  hat  he  referred  in  turn  to  the  other 
members  of  the  se  itences  thus  garbled,  to  prove  that 
he  was  neither  alluding  to  religion  or  politics  in  his 
lecture. 

"  No  matter,"  said  a  cunning  Jesuit,  who  could 
convert  a  wink  of  the  eye  into  treason,  and  a  nod 
of  the  head  into  blasphemy — "  no  matter — a  pro- 
position may  be  both  treasonable  and  heterodoxical 
in  itself,  although  it  has  no  immediate  application 
to  either  politics  or  religion.  The  assertion  that 
three  does  not  make  one,  is  complete  in  itself,  and 
requires  no  reference  either  to  what  precedes  or 
what  follows.  In  two  months  you  must  be  out  of 
France." 

And  thus  were  we  banished  from  the  paradise  of 
lecturers,  only  because  doctor  Gallgotha  had  wick- 
edly and  impiously  asserted  that  the  physical  organs 
of  kings  were  the  same  with  those  of  cobblers,  and 
that  three  legions,  separately  encamped,  did  not 
make  one  body.  The  confessor  advised  us  to  go 
to  the  new  world,  where,  as  there  was  neither  loyalty 
or  religion,  we  should  be  in  our  element.  But 
in  truth,  the  doctor  was  become  tired  of  Paris, 
and  of  the  world  of  fashion,  which  had  begun  to 
discover  symptoms  of  ennui  for  some  little  time 
past.  Indeed,  several  of  his  greatest  admirers 
had  lately  absented  themselves,  to  go  and  see  an 
25* 


294 

automaton,  who  delivered  lectures  on  the  phy- 
sical organization  of  man,  to  the  astonishment  of 
all  the  fashionable  lovers  of  science.  Besides  all 
this,  the  determined  valour  of  the  viscount  had 
demolished  the  precious  materials  by  which  he 
exemplified  his  theory,  and  he  knew  not  where  to 
supply  the  loss  without  resorting  to  the  forest  of 
Teutoburgium.  While  we  were  debating  whither 
to  frame  our  course,  and  just  as  I  had  almost  brought 
the  doctor  to  consent  to  accompanying  me  to  the 
city  of  my  nativity,  the  good  old  man  fell  sick,  or 
rather  the  fabric  of  nature  sunk  under  him,  and  the 
lamp  which  had  illuminated  it,  began  to  twinkle  so 
faintly  in  its  socket  that  it  was  plain  the  oil  wa> 
quite  spent. 

He  took  to  his  bed,  from  whence  he  never  rose 
again.  I  was  going  to  send  for  a  physician.  "  No,,: 
said  he  with  a  languid  smile — "  I  will  die  a  Chris- 
tian, but  not  a  martyr.  It  is  cruel  to  torture  age 
with  unavailing  remedies.  Besides,  I  have  not 
money  to  pay  a  doctor,  and  it  would  mortify  my 
pride  to  be  killed  for  nothing." 

I  have  a  satisfaction,  even  at  this  distance  of  time, 
in  the  recollection  that  I  attended  him  faithfully  to 
the  last,  supplied  his  wants  and  administered  to  his 
infirmities,  as  if  he  had  been  my  father.  About  four 
o'clock  one  morning,  a  little  before  the  dawning 
of  the  day,  and  just  at  the  period  of  time  when 
nature  seems  to  be  in  her  last  and  profoundest  re- 


295 

pose,  preparatory  to  waking — the  doctor,  after  lay- 
ing perfectly  still  for  upwards  of  an  hour,  suddenly 
raised  himself  upon  his  elbow — and  with  an  eye 
clear  and  bright,  surveyed  the  room  all  around  with 
a  slow  and  measured  turn  of  the  head.  For  a  mo- 
ment his  eye  rested  upon  me — but  he  did  not  speak. 
He  then  sunk  easily  upon  his  pillow — I  put  my  face 
close  to  his — he  breathed  into  it  once — and  there 
was  a  long  pause.  He  is  gone,  said  I — no,  he  breath- 
ed again,  and  there  was  another  still  longer  pause. 
It  is  all  over  now,  said  I — but  he  respired  yet  once 
again — and  that  was  the  last — I  waited,  but  he 
breathed  no  more. 

They  would  not  let  me  bury  him  in  a  church-yard, 
because,  as  the  confessor  maintained,  he  was  no 
Christian,  and  therefore  was  not  entitled  to  Christian 
charity  and  forgiveness,  after  he  was  dead.  But 
I  buried  the  old  philosopher,  where  the  grass  grew 
as  green,  the  flowers  bloomed  as  gay,  and  the  birds 
warbled  as  sweetly  as  if  the  spot  had  been  blessed 
by  the  confessor  himself.  Having  done  this,  I  turn- 
ed my  face  towards  the  Athens  of  the  north,  which  I 
now  felt  myself  thoroughly  qualified  to  enrich  with 
an  entire  new  science.  1  had  succeeded,  indeed, 
beyond  all  expectation,  and  our  society  having  had 
from  time  to  time,  mysterious  hints  of  my  progress, 
was  expecting  me  with  anxious  impatience. 

I  accordingly  gathered  together  the  wrecks  of 
my  old  friend's  lectures,  which  had  escaped  the 


296 

researches  of  the  ultra-viscount,  and  set  out  on  my 
return  to  my  own   couniry. 

Without  troubling  you  with  the  incidents  of  my 
journey  which  are  of  no  consequence,  I  arrived  in 
safety  at  the  seat  of  the  sciences.  I  had  been  ex- 
pected with  anxiety,  and  was  received  with  rapture, 
as  one  destined  to  revive  the  dormant  excitement  of 
the  fashionable  devotees.  I  found  there  had  been 
a  terrible  falling  off  in  my  absence.  Money  had 
actually  got  the  upper  hand  of  merit;  feasts  were 
preferred  to  philosophy-;  dances  to  dogmatizing; 
gallants  to  gallypots  ;  and  what  was  worst  of  all, 
the  most  invincible  blue  stocking,  without  beauty, 
was  no  match  for  a  country  simpleton,  with  blue 
laughing  eyes,  rosy  cheeks,  and  a  partridge  figure. 
Such  was  the  backsliding  which  had  taken  place, 
that  a  fashionable  baronet  ventured  to  declare  pub- 
licly in  favour  of  downright  ignorance  ;  and  an 
old  professor  of  anatomy,  was  detected  in  deserting 
a  discussion  upon  fossil  remains,  to  go  and  look  at  a 
pretty  girl  who  was  dancing  a  cotillion.  In  short, 
the  temple  of  science  was  tottering,  and  nothing 
could  save  it  but  starting  new  game,  and  creating  an 
■excitement  by  some  absolute  originality. 

My  accomplices  wanted  to  know  very  much  what 
I  had  brought  home  with  me  to  tickie  the  lovers 
of  science  ;  but  I  was  determined  neither  they  or 
the  public  should  learn  any  thing  on  the  subject,  un- 
til I  disclosed  it  in  a  public  lecture.     I  was  deter- 


297 

mined  to  take  the  northern  Athens  by  surprise. 
Accordingly,  it  was  announced  that  I  would  deliver 
a  lecture  on  phrenology  on  a  particular  evening. 
Phrenology!  it  sounded  indeed  like  something  new. 
The  blues  ran  to  their  technological  dictionary,  but 
for  once  they  were  baffled — the  word  had  not  yet 
got  there.  It  was  an  entire  new  coinage.  The 
great  difficulty  was  in  procuring  the  necessary  cere- 
bral developments  for  the  purposes  of  illustration 
without  subjecting  myself  to  the  penalty  of  the  laws. 
Finding  nothing  better  could  be  done,  I  one  night 
went  out  of  the  city  upon  the  common,  and  picked 
up  a  number  of  skulls  of  animals,  principally  dogs, 
to  serve  me  on  this  one  occasion.  There  was  one 
which  had  doubtless  belonged  to  a  large  bull  dog. 
that  I  was  resolved  should  stand  for  the  identical 
skull  of  Varus,  which  the  wrathful  viscount  had  so 
inhumanly  demolished  at  Paris.  Every  exertion 
was  made  by  the  society  and  its  friends  to  get  to- 
gether a  fashionable  auditory,  and  accordingly  the 
capacious  lecture-room  of  the  northern  Athens  was 
crowded  with  bonnets  and  feathers  most  magnifi- 
cently. There  was  a  brilliant  audience,  as  was 
erst  said  of  play-houses,  and  is  now  said  of  churches 
and  lecture-rooms. 

I  confess  I  felt  somewhat  skittish,  in  this  first  at- 
tempt to  try  on  an  entire  new  science.  However,  I 
put  a  good  face  on  the  matter,  and  lectured  away, 
regardless  of  eonsequencest     1  must  do  them  the 


298 

justice  to  say  they  took  it  with  great  good  hu« 
mour.  When  I  talked  of  the  organ  of  amativ  .less, 
the  young  folks  tittered,  and  began  to  feel  for  it  at 
the  back  of  each  other's  heads — I  was  assured  that 
many  secret  attachments  were  brought  to  light  by 
this  scrutiny,  three  of  which  resulted  in  elopements 
the  next  day.  But  when  I  brought  forth  the  skull  of 
the  bull  dog,  which  I  announced  as  that  of  Quintilius 
Varus,  the  effect  was  sublime.  There  was  a  gene- 
ral scream  from  the  ladies,  and  two  or  three  heroes 
of  the  Peninsula,  in  full  uniform,  were  observed  to 
look  hard  at  the  door.  However,  they  stood  their 
ground  manfully,  and  by  putting  a  bold  face  on  the 
matter,  reassured  the  more  timid  of  the  auditory. 
Upon  the  whole,  I  got  through  with  flying  colours, 
and  the  debut  of  the  new  science  was  pronounced 
eminently  successful.  By  the  next  lecture,  1  pro- 
cured a  real  apparatus  of  cerebral  developments, 
which  I  had  mapped  out  to  the  best  of  my  recollec- 
tion, according  to  the  theory  of  Dr.  Gallgotha. 

After  this  successful  debut,  I  continued  my  course, 
and  made  proselytes  at  every  lecture,  until  at  length 
they  became  sufficiently  numerous  to  form  a  society, 
which  was  accordingly  established  under  the  name 
of  the  Phrenological  Institute.  So  alarming  indeed 
was  my  progress,  that  the  old  sciences  which  had  once 
been  belles,  and  still  retained  a  strong  disposition 
to  coquette  it  a  little  with  their  veteran  beaux,  began 
to  wax  jealous.     Finding  themselves,  like  the  an- 


299 

cient  Britons,  likely  to  be  subjected  by  the  very 
power  they  had  called  over  in  their  own  defence, 
they  raised  the  standard  against  me  and  my  phre- 
nological brethren. 

They  pronounced  my  science  no  science  at  all ; 
affirming  that  unlike  all  others  it  was  subject  to  no 
rules,  or  at  least,  to  none  but  imaginary  ones,  that 
were  neither  susceptible  of  demonstration,  nor 
maintainable  on  the  ground  of  experiment  or  rea- 
soning. The  physiognomists  especia '  ly ,  led  the  van 
against  me,  as  being  their  most  formidable  opponent; 
and  as  a  wag  of  our  society  observed,  we  were  of 
necessity  in  a  minority,  because  all  persons  without 
brains  would,  of  course,  take  sides  against  a  science 
founded  on  the  supposed  existence  of  what  nature 
had  denied  them.  We  continued  to  make  head 
against  this  formidable  array,  and  to  maintain  our 
ascendancy  until,  in  an  evil  hour,  some  workmen  in 
digging  among  the  foundations  of  a  ruined  abbey, 
discovered  the  skull  of  king  Robert  Bruce,  which 
falling  into  the  hands  of  our  enemies,  was  forth- 
with arrayed  against  Varus  and  his  legions.  It 
was  immediately  put  to  the  phrenological  test,  and 
found  wanting  in  many  of  the  cerebral  develop- 
ments characteristic  of  the  known  qualities  of  that 
renowned  deliverer  of  Scotland,  and  destroyer  of 
phrenology.  As  ill  luck,  or  destiny,  would  have  it, 
the  development  of  his  organs  was  phrenologically 
at  war  with  the  whole  history  of  his  life ;  and  there 


300 

was  no  getting  over  this  desperate  anomaly  except 
by  either  denying  its  identity,  denying  its  history,  or 
lastly,  explaining  the  incidents  away  in  such  a  man- 
ner as  to  reconcile  them  to  our  theory.  "  If  the 
mountain  wont  come  to  Mahomet,"  said  the  wag 
of  a  member,  "  Mahomet  must  go  to  the  mountain — 
if  the  head  of  king  Robert  wont  accommodate  itselt 
to  our  science,  we  must  make  his  history  do  it, 
which  will  be  just  as  well."  Accordingly  he  set 
about  the  task,  and  at  our  next  meeting  produced  a 
dissertation,  in  which  he  proved  pretty  clearly  that 
king  Robert  was  altogether  a  different  person  from 
what  all  the  world  had  believed  him  to  be  for  cen- 
turies ;  and  that  so  far  from  his  cerebral  develop- 
ment contradicting  the  principles  of  the  sublime 
science,  it  demonstrated  their  truth  beyond  ques- 
tion. 

This  dissertation  was  immediately  made  public, 
tut  although  every  member  of  our  society  believed 
it  would  effectually  silence  all  our  opponents,  such 
is  the  obstinacy  of  long  received  opinions,  and  such 
the  inveteracy  of  jealous  rivalry,  that  it  had  little 
influence  on  the  world,  and  the  skull  of  king  Robert 
proved  in  the  end  the  battle  of  Bannockburn  to  our 
society.  Daily  desertions  took  place  from  the 
benches  of  my  lecture-room ;  the  young  lovers 
began  again  to  look  into  each  other's  eyes  and  study 
the  changeable  velvet  of  the  cheeks,  for  indications 
of  the  universal  passion  ;  and  at  length  it  came  to 


301 

pass  that  none  but  the  canine  race  thought  of  going 
to  the  rear  to  study  characters.  What  the  head  of 
king  Robert  had  begun,  another  head  was  destined 
to  finish. 

A  gentleman  just  arrived  from   abroad,  brought 
with  him,  and  presented  to  our  society,  a  cast  which 
he  assured  me  was  an  exact  representation  of  the 
skull  of  Servin,  immortalized  in  Sully's  Memoirs, 
as  a  monster  compounded  of  the  sublimest  genius 
and  the  most  grovelling  detestable  vices.      On  ex- 
amination, I  discovered  to  my  infinite  delight  that 
the  cerebral  development  exhibited  the  character 
and  propensities  of Serviu,  with  a  degree  of  precision 
that,  if  known,  would  silence  all  cavilling,  and  go  far 
to  establish  my  system  beyond  question.      I  deter- 
mined at  once  to  bring  it  into  the  field  in  opposition 
to  the  head  of  king  Robert,  and  let  them  fight  it  out 
before  the  public.     Accordingly  I  announced   the 
receipt  of  my  treasure,  and  invited  all  sceptics  to 
come  and  receive  a  demonstration  of  the  sublime- 
truths  of  phrenology.     I  had  not  seen  such  an  audi- 
ence for  many  a  day,  although  the  evening  was 
stormy,  and  commenced   my  lecture  on  Servin's 
head,  in  high  spirits.     I  pointed  out  the  develop- 
ment so  exactly  corresponding  with  the  character — 
here  the  organ  of  ideality,  announcing  the  extent  of 
his  genius — and  there  the  organ  of  cunning  and 
cruelty,  announcing  the  extent  of  his  crimes  and 
duplicity.     Here  the  organ  of  tune,  demonstrating 
26 


302 

his  taste  for  music  ;  there  the  organ  of  languages, 
exemplifying  his  unequalled  capacity  for  their  ac- 
quirement. Here  philoprogenitiveness — there  de- 
structiveness — heresecretiveness — there  concentra- 
tiveness.  Jn  short,  I  proved  that  the  head  could  have 
belonged  to  none  but  a  person  of  great  intellectual 
capacity,  contrasted  with  equal  depravity.  In  the 
triumph  of  my  heart,  I  held  it  up  to  the  audience  as 
the  hero  of  phrenology,  the  invincible  rival  and  con- 
querer  of  king  Robert.  1  shook  it  in  the  faces  of 
the  unbelievers,  and  handled  it  at  length  with  so 
little  discretion,  that  it  fell  from  my  grasp  upon  the 
floor,  and  the  plaster  flew  about  in  all  directions.  I 
hastened  to  lift  it  up  again,  and  presenting  it  to  the 
light,  was  struck  with  horror  and  dismay.  The 
scaling  of  (he  plaster  had  exposed  to  view  the  rude 
outlines  of  one  of  those  wooden  heads  which  some-, 
times  ornament  (he  coasting  vessels  of  my;  native 
country.  1  had  not  the  presence  of  mind  to  put 
it  out  of  sight,  but  stood  in  stupifying  embarrassment 
without  uttering  a  word,  when  I  was  at  length  rous- 
ed by  a  hoarse  voice  crying  out — wt  D n  my  eyes, 

Tom,  is'nt  that  the  head  of  the  Lovely  Nancy,  that 
some  rascally  land  lubber  stole  from  her  bows  the 
other  night  ?"  Tom  immediately  confirmed  this 
with  a  round  sailor's  oath,  adding — "  'Tis  a  lucky 
godsend  that  we  came  in  here  for  a  harbour  from 
the  storm  to-night,  to  unkennel  this  thief  of  the 
world,  with  his  outlandish  gibberish  about  serving 


303 

heads — \f  this  is  the  way  he  serves  them,  he'll  get 
served  with  a  baker's  dozen  at  the  gangway  before 
long."  So  saying,  the  two  gallant  tars  advanced  to 
the  table  and  seizing  the  head  of  the  Lovely  Nancy 
bore  it  off  in  triumph,  amid  shouts  of  laughter  on 
all  sides. 

There  was  no  lecturing  in  the  northern  Athens 
after  this  untoward  accident,  which  shook  the  faith 
even  of  the  true  believers.  All  my  disciples  left 
me  with  the  exception  of  a  worthy  advocate,  who 
was  saved  from  utter  condemnation  as  an  insupera- 
ble blockhead,  only  by  the  uncommon  development 
of  the  organ  of  ideality,  which  sufficiently  de- 
monstrated the  extent  of  his  genius.  It  was  neck 
or  nothing  with  him — he  must  either  be  an  ass  or  a 
phrenologist.  The  others  were  all  laughed  away 
from  me. 

There,  was  now  but  one  way  left  me  to  establish 
the  truths  of  the  subhme  science,  and  that  was  to  de- 
monstrate them  by  actual  practice — to  make  them 
the  guides  of  my  conduct  in  life,  and  to  disregard 
entirely  the  flickering  lights  of  experience,  as  well 
as  those  vague,  uncertain,  and  delusive  indications 
of  character  which  are  supposed  to  exhibit  them- 
selves in  the  conduct  and  disposition  of  mankind. 
I  determined  either  to  show  the  world  the  superior- 
ity of  the  unerring  test  of  the  cerebral  develop- 
ments, overall  other  touchstones  of  human  passions, 
or  perish  in  the  attempt.     Men  have  in  all  ages  and 


304 

nations  sacrificed  themselves  to  the  establishment 
of  great  truths — nay,  man)  have  voluntarily  become 
victims  to  the  most  absurd,  vain  and  mischievous 
theories.  Superstition  has  had,  if  possible,  more 
enthusiastic  and  willing  martyrs  than  true  religion  ; 
and  thousands  have  shed  their  blood  for  the  support 
of  falsehood,  who  would  have  shrunk  from  doing  it 
in  defence  of  truth.  I  will  therefore,  said  I,  not 
flinch  from  the  duty  before  me.  I  will  become  the 
high  priest,  or  the  martyr  of  my  science ;  and  if  I 
cannot  prove  its  sublime  truths,  will  at  least  offer  a 
demonstration  that  I  believe  in  them  myself. 

For  this  purpose  it  was  necessary  to  leave  for 
awhile  the  path  of  philosophy  and  abstraction,  for 
the  busy  occupations  and  pursuits  of  practical  life. 
It  is  these  and  these  only,  that  in  the  eyes  of  the 
vulgar  and  near-sighted  of  mankind,  furnish  the 
test  of  truth.  They  judge  of  a  science,  or  a  the- 
ory, not  by  the  unerring  standard  of  its  abstract 
beauty,  ingenuity  or  grandeur,  but  by  its  pitiful 
practical  operation,  within  the  sphere  of  their  own 
actual  experience.  The  great  and  radical  dhTer- 
ence  between  the  ignorant  and  the  wise  is,  that  the 
former  persist  in  obstinately  believing  what  they 
see,  without  being  able  to  explain  its  causes  ;  while 
the  latter  consider  the  evidence  of  the  five  senses 
as  only  fit  for  a  court  of  justice,  and  believe  in  no- 
thing but  what  they  can  account  for.  They  justly 
consider,  that  as  man  is  emphatically  a  reasoning 


305 

being,  he  ought  not  to  give  credit  to  any  fact,  how- 
ever obvious  it  may  be  to  his  senses,  unless  it  is  sup- 
ported by  at  least  one  good  substantial  reason  on 
either  side,  like  a  bladder  under  each  arm  of  a  swim- 
mer. The  vulgar,  for  example,  believe  that  beef 
killed  in  the  decrease  of  the  moon,  will  always 
shrink  in  the  boiling,  because  they  see  it  every  day, 
although  they  can't  account  for  the  phenomenon  ; 
while  the  wise  go  upon  surer  grounds — they  first 
decide  whether  a  thing  is  theoretically  possible  and 
then  assert  that  it  exists.  The  vulgar  are  like  the 
blind  man,  who  denied  the  existence  of  light,  be- 
cause he  could  not  feel  it  with  his  ringers,  nor  snuff 
it  up  with  his  nose,  nor  taste  it  with  his  tongue,  nor 
hear  it  with  his  ears ;  while  the  wise  may  be  liken- 
ed to  the  ancient  philosopher  who  wo  dd  not  believe 
his  eyes  when  he  saw  his  house  set  tire  to  by  light- 
ning, because  he  could  not  account  for  the  pheno- 
menon. In  fine,  the  ignorant  are  the  dupes  of  the  l 
five  senses;  while  the  wise  are  governed  by  the 
imagination  alone — that  sublime  and  almost  omni- 
potent faculty  which  creates  worlds  out  of  nothing, 
and  makes  laws  for  those  that  never  had  an  exist- 
ence.    But  to  return  from  this  digression. 

The  practical  business  of  this  life,  it  will  be 
found,  consists  principally  in  three  things — get- 
ting married — getting  a  family — and  getting  rich. 
There  are  other  miscellaneous  occupations — such 
as  driving  tandem — running  in  debt — bilking  Jand- 
26* 


306 

fords  and  tailors — and  walking  up  and  down  the 
streets — but  these  are  not  so  general  as  to  form  any 
of  the  grand  divisions  of  human  pursuits.  In  the 
furtherance  of  my  great  object  of  demonstrating 
the  sublime  truths  of  phrenology  by  the  vulgar  mode 
of  practical  application,  I  resolved  to  kill  two  birds 
with  one  stone  by  entering  into  business,  and  look- 
ing out  for  a  wife  at  the  same  time.  Not  knowing 
much  of  the  ordinary  transactions  of  the  mercantile 
world,  I  found  it  necessary  in  the  first  place  to 
choose  a  partner,  with  whom  I  could  entrust  my 
capital,  and  in  whose  skill  I  might  rely  in  the  trans- 
action of  our  business.  Some  people  would  have 
gone  about,  inquiring  whether  this  man  or  that 
man  was  a  prudent,  honest,  sensible  and  experienced 
person  ;  and  whether  he  had  been  long  enough 
known  in  the  community  to  have  established,  as  the 
vulgar  phrase  is,  a  good  character.  But  I  was  de- 
termined to  go  a  short  way  to  work.  1  advertised 
for  a  partner  with  a  head  as  like  Sir  Thomas  Gre- 
sham  as  possible,  having  the  zygomatic  process  very 
projecting,  the  organ  of  order  strongly  developed, 
and  the  sentiments  of  cautiousness,  conscientious- 
ness, veneration,  benevolence  and  firmness  all  beau- 
tifully exhibited  on  the  cerebellum.  Without  all 
these,  I  was  fully  convinced  no  man  could  be  a  great 
merchant  or  build  a  royal  exchange. 

In  the  course  of  a  few  days  several  offered  them- 
selves to  inspection,  whose  characters  were  excel- 


307 

lent,  but  whose  cerebral  developments  convinced 
me  they  either  had  been,  or  would  be,  in  the  course 
of  their  lives,  consummate  rogues.  It  is  astonishing 
indeed  to  see  how  the  world  is  frequently,  not  to 
say  continually,  imposed  upon  by  people  who  actu- 
ally go  down  to  their  graves,  with  the  reputation  of 
virtue,  although  fate  and  phrenology  both  ordained 
it  should  be  otherwise.  I  can  only  account  for  it 
on  the  ground  of  deception,  or  want  of  opportunity. 
Being  resolved  not  to  be  imposed  upon  by  the  spe- 
cious seductions  of  a  good  character,  I  dismissed 
these  applicants  one  after  the  other  as  civilly  as 
possible.  At  length  a  person  presented  himself, 
who  underwent  the  phrenological  test  greatly  to 
my  satisfaction.  He  had  the  finest  development 
for  a  merchant  I  ever  saw.  The  organ  of  acqui- 
sitiveness was  on  a  great  scale. 

"  Where  is  that  ?"  asked  Mr.  Quominus. 

"  At  the  anterior  inferior  angle  of  the  parietal 

bone." 

"  Hum,"  quoth  Mr.  Quominus — "  and  what 
does  the  said  organ  indicate  ?" 

Sometimes  it  indicates  the  tendency  to  acquire 
and  the  desire  to  possess  in  general.  It  is  the  organ 
in  which  the  idea  of  property  first  originated.  Some- 
times it  leads  to  the  collection  of  coins,  minerals, 
paintings  and  other  curiosities  of  science — some- 
times to  the  collection  of  bugs,  butterflies  and  bee- 
tles.    In  men  of  sense  it  gives  rise  to  the  dispo- 


308 

-iition  to  acquire  useful  things ;  in  fools  and  idiots, 
to  collect  those  that  are  worth  nothing.  In  some  it 
is  the  love  of  science  ;  in  others  the  love  of  money. 
A  man  with  the  organ  of  conscientiousness  pressing 
upon  that  of  acquisitiveness,  will,  if  he  has  a  hun- 
dred acres  of  land,  fee!  vast  delight  in  acquiring  one 
hundred  more,  but  he  will  not  resort  to  any  impro- 
per means  to  attain  them  ;  while  another  man  who 
hath  the  organ  of  acquisitiveness,  combined  with  that 
of  secretiveness,  will  become  a  thief  in  spite  of  him- 
self. He  cannot  help  it  if  he  would.  Among  the 
inferior  animals,  beavers,  bees  and  ants,  are  observ- 
ed to  have  the  organ  of  acquisitiveness  in  great  per- 
fection. Indeed,  it  is  conspicuous  in  all  hoarding 
animals. 

"  What  a  wonderful  science  !"  exclaimed  the 
other  two  Wise  Men  of  Gotham. 

To  proceed  with  my  story,  said  Le  Peigne,  such 
was  the  apt,  admirable  and  harmonious  association 
of  organs  in  the  cerebellum  of  this  person,  that  I  per- 
ceived it  was  quite  unnecessary  to  make  any  inqui- 
ries into  his  character,  qualifications  and  pursuits. 
I  saw  at  once  that  he  was  destined  to  be  another 
Cosmo  de  Medicis,  and  forthwith  entered  into  arti- 
cles of  trade  with  him  on  the  spot. 

My  next  business  was  to  get  an  experienced 
clerk,  which  I  soon  did,  by  applying  the  touchstone 
of  the  infallible  science.  1  found  a  man  whose  or* 
gan  of  number  was  beautifully  developed,  and  most 
harmoniously  associated  with  that  of  individuality. 


309 

"  Where  are  they  situated?"  asked  Mr.  Quomi- 
uus. 

The  organ  of  number,  is  designated  by  the  arch 
of  the  eyebrow  being  either  much  pressed  down- 
wards, or  very  much  elevated. 

"  Then,"  observed  the  Man  Machine,  "  it  seems 
that  two  appearances  exactly  opposite  to  each  other, 
denote  the  same  thing  in  the  science  of  phrenzy — 
I  mean  phrenology  ?" 

No  such  thing,  replied  the  other — it  only  proves 
that  two  appearances  entirely  dissimilar  may  yet 
be  as  like  as  two  peas.  The  development  of 
this  organ  to  any  extraordinary  extent,  renders 
it  impossible  for  tbc  owner  not  to  be  a  most  expert 
hand  at  figures  and  calculations  ;  and  when  associa- 
ted with  the  organ  of  individuality — 

"  Where  is  that  ?"  interrupted  Mr.  Quominus. 

In  the  middle  of  the  lower  part  of  the  forehead. 

"  And  what  does  it  indicate  ?" 

It  is  the  organ  of  the  memory  and  the  sense  of 
things — and  it  is  always  most  strongly  developed 
in  children.  It  is  also  the  organ  which  indicates  a 
proneness  to  adopt  new  theories — to  embrace  the 
opinions  of  others,  and  a  vast  facility  in  accommo- 
dating ourselves  to  customs,  manners  and  circum- 
stances. Persons  with  this  organ  strongly  develop- 
ed, have  moreover  a  desire,  accompanied  by  the 
ability,  to  know  facts   and  things   in  general — it 


310 

prompts  to  observation  and  investigation — it  greatly 
aids  in  producing  a  talent  for  all  practical  business 
involving  details,  and  hence,  to  the  medical  prac- 
titioner, the  lawyer  and  the  merchant  it  is  invalua- 
ble— it  communicates  power  to  the  orator — art  to 
the  novelist — it  tends  to  allegory  and  personifica- 
tion— it  inspired  Spenser  and  John  Bunyan — and 
above  all,  it  delights  in  the  analysis  of  specific 
existences. 

"  What  an  invaluable  organ !"  exclaimed  Mr. 
Quominus — "it  indicates  but  every  thing,  and  I 
should  think  ought  to  have  been  christened  the 
organ  of  universality,  rather  than  of  individuality." 

You  are  mistaken,  quoth  the  other  it  is  not  so 
universal  as  you  may  imagine.  A  person  having  it 
strongly  developed,  retains  only  general  ideas — 
he  is  not  able  to  command  his  knowledge  without 
previous  preparation,  and  therefore  can  hardly  ever 
become  learned,  or  a  great  extemporaneous  orator. 
This  has  been  proved  by  an  examination  of  the 
skulls  of  almost  every  species  of  animals  from  the 
frog  to  the  elephant. 

"  But  what  has  the  head  of  a  bull-frog  to  do  with 
that  of  a  man  ?"  asked  the  Man  Machine. 

Just  as  much  as  the  tail  of  a  dog,  said  Le  Peigne, 
rather  contemptuously. 

"  I  believe  it,"  said  the  other  dryly.  "  But  re- 
ally, with  submission,  sir,  it  appears  to  me  that  in 
your  science  not  only  different  and  opposite  deve- 


311 

lopments  signify  the  same  thing,  but  what  is  still 
more  remarkable,  the  same  development  of  an  organ 
signifies  things  altogether  different — you  first  tell  us 
that  the  organ  of  individuality  is  the  source  of  ora- 
tory, and  then  that  it  prevents  a  man  from  speaking 
extemporaneously,  a  quality  very  essential  in  ora- 
tory, I  should  think.  You  tell  us  it  is  indispensable 
to  certain  sciences  which  children  cannot  compre- 
hend, and  certain  pursuits,  such  as  law,  physic  and 
merchandise,  which  children  cannot  engage  in,  and 
yet  you  say  it  is  most  strongly  developed  in  chil- 
dren. It  seems  to  me  this  savours  as  it  were  of 
contradiction — two  assertions  so  contradictory  can- 
not, I  should  think,  be  both  true." 

Sir,  replied  Le  Peigne — you  had  better  stick 
to  the  perfectibility  of  man  and  the  counteract- 
ing principles.  D  )  you  not  know  of  the  modern 
discovery,  that  what  is  morally  impossible,  may  yet 
be  scientifically  true  ?  No  science  is  now  consider- 
ed perfect,  except  it  can  not  only  reconcile  contra- 
dictions, but  impossibilities.  My  dear  sir,  I  never 
doubted  the  perfectibility  of  your  Men  Machines  ; 
pray  allow  me  the  perfection  of  science. 

"  With  all  my  heart,"  said  the  other.  "  Be  pleas- 
ed to  proceed,  brother  Le  Peigne.  Did  you  engage 
the  Man  Machine  with  the  supernatural  develop- 
ment, that  signified  so  many  opposite  yet  reconcile- 
able  things  ?" 

You  shall  hear,  returned  Le  Peigne,  whose  good 


312 

nature  soon  smoothed  down  any  little  irritation.  I 
had  now  got  a  partner  and  a  clerk,  on  whom  1  could 
confidently  rely,  for  the  successful  conduct  of  our 
affairs,  and  the  speedy  acquisition  of  fortune.  No- 
thing was  now  wanting  but  a  wife,  selected  and  cho- 
sen with  a  proper  regard  to  the  infallible  auguries 
of  the  cerebral  development.  As  this  was  the 
most  important  matter  of  all,  I  resolved  to  be  very 
particular,  and  to  apply  the  rules  of  my  art  with 
more  than  ordinary  circumspection.  In  the  first 
place,  it  was  indispensable  that  she  should  have  a 
perfect  development  of  the  organ  of  amativeness — 

"  Excuse  me  for  interrupting  you,"  said  Mr. 
Quominus — "  where  is  that  same  organ  and  what 
does  it  signify  ?" 

It  is  situated,  sir,  between  the  mastoid  process  on 
each  side  of  the  projecting  point,  in  the  middle  of  the 
transverse  ridge  of  the  occipetal  bone. 

"  Anv  man  but  an  anatomist  might  as  well  look 
for  the  northwest  passage  as  for  these  incognito 
organs,"  said  Quominus — "  But  the  indications  ?" 

The  organ  of  amativeness  is  placed  first  in  the 
sublime  science,  because  it  indicates  the  propensity 
to  falling  in  love — the  desire  of  propagating  our 
species  without  which  there  would  be  neither  dog's 
tails,  nor  men's  heads,  and  of  course  no  science  of 
phrenology.  It  is  in  fact  the  foundation  of  all  the 
sciences.  Besides  this,  it  is  the  organ  of  a  variety 
of  other  propensities.      Monsieur  Flourens,  who 


313 

amused  himseh*  occasionally  with  trepanning  bull- 
frogs, discovered  that  it  was  the  organ  for  regulating 
muscular  motion.  "On  removing  the  cerebellum 
over  this  part,"  says  he,  "  the  animal  loses  the 
power  of  executing  combined  movements," — he 
can  move  one  leg,  but  not  both  at  the  same  time. 
It  is  also  the  organ  of  retrograde  motions.  Doctor 
■Magendie,  who  is  famous  for  illustrating  the  nature 
of  man  by  the  peculiarities  of  frogs,  in  performing 
some  experiments  upon  these  animals,  discovered 
that  disturbing  this  organ  ''occasioned  an  irresisti- 
ble propensity  in  the  animal  to  run,  jump  or  swim 
backwards."  Other  scientific  inquirers  have  found 
that  when  one  part  was  cut  the  animal  rolled — when 
another,  it  went  forward  in  extenso — when  another, 
it  bent  double. 

"O!  I  see,"  interrupted  the  Man  Machine. 
"This  organ  is  a  sort  of  jack  of  all  trades — it  can 
turn  its  hand  to  almost  any  thing.  I  don't  wonder 
you  think  it  so  indispensable  in  a  wife,  who  should 
always  be  particularly  expert  at  jumping  and  swim- 
ming backwards." 

The  next  indispensable  requisite  in  a  wife,  con- 
tinued Le  Peigne,  not  heeding  this  interruption, 
is  the  organ  of  philoprogenitiveness. 

"  What  is  that?"  said  Mr.  Quominus. 

The  organ  which  indicates  an  instinctive  lore  of 
offspring. 

"  I  should  suppose  that  to  be  universal.'* 
27 


314 

By  no  means.  Peg  Macquarrie,  who  murdered 
her  child,  was  entirely  without  it — and  so  was  the 
skull  of  Varus,  who  I  have  no  doubt,  as  Tacitus 
don't  mention  his  wife  or  children,  was  a  confirmed 
bachelor.  Many  animals  of  good  reputation  drive 
their  offspring  from  them  when  young ;  and  the 
birds  turn  their  little  ones  neck  and  heels  out  of  the 
nest  as  soon  as  they  are  fledged.  All  these,  it  is 
very  remarkable,  are  destitute  of  the  organ  of  phi- 
loprogenitiveness.  It  is  situated  immediately  above 
the  middle  part  of  the  cerebellum,  and  corresponds 
to  the  protuberance  of  the  occiput.  It  is  large  in 
the  Hindoo,  Negro  and  Caiib  women. 

"  Do  they  love  their  children  better  than  other 
women  ?"  asked  the  Man  Machine. 

If  they  don't,  they  ought  to  do  it ;  they  are  scien- 
tifically under  the  necessity  of  being  what  nature 
plainly  intended  they  should  be.  The  next  cere- 
bral development  indispensable  in  the  organization 
of  a  good  wife,  is  that  of  concentrativeness. 

"  Where  is  that,  and  what  doth  it  signify  ?"  inter- 
rupted Mr.  Quominus — i;  I  beg  pardon,  but  as  I 
may  one  day  marry  myself  it  ma)  stand  me  in  stead 
to  know  something  of  these  matters." 

It  is  just  above  philoprogenitiveness  and  just  be- 
low self-esteem.  It  indicates  sedentary  habits  and 
love  of  home — as  is  proved  by  the  organ  being 
enormously  expanded  in  a  toad  that  was  found  im- 
bedded in  a  solid  block  of  marble,  where  he  must 


315 

have  remained  for  centuries.  It  is  likewise  verv 
strongly  developed  in  snails,  who  seldom  go  from 
home,  as  you  know. 

"  I  suppose  then  it  must  be  something  like  a  horn, 
such  as  the  snails  have,"  said  the  Man  Machine. 

Le  Peigne  gave  him  a  queer  side  look  and  pro- 
ceeded. 

Doctor  Gallgotha  observed,  in  addition  to  this 
love  of  retirement  and  indisposition  to  motion, 
that  the  development  of  this  organ  was  very  per- 
ceptible in  the  chamois  and  other  animals  fond  of 
climbing  heights  and  browsing  upon  precipices. 

"  An  excellent  quality  in  a  wife,"  quoth  Quo- 
minus. 

"  And  a  most  exquisite  organ,"  said  the  Man  Ma- 
chine— "  it  plays  so  many  different  tunes.  Who 
would  have  thought  that  the  same  thing  could 
signify  the  propensity  of  a  toad,  a  snail,  and  a  wife 
for  staying  at  home,  and  the  propensity  of  a  goat  to 
climb  perpendicular  rocks  and  browse  upon  the 
edge  of  precipices  ?" 

The  next  organ  essential  to  the  perfection  of 
woman,  or,  as  the  learned  say,  the  sine  qua  non  of 
a  good  wife,  is — 

k'  What  ?"  said  the  Man  Machine,  rubbing  his 
hands  eagerly. 

The  organ  of  adhesiveness,  which  is  just  above 
the  lambdoidal  suture.  It  is  designated  by  No. 
i,  on  the  phrenological  map  of  the  skull. 

"  Have  you  got  the  map  with  you  ?  I  should  like 


316 

to  take  a  look  at  it,"  said  the  other,  again  interrupt- 
ing him. 

I  will  show  it  you,  when  I  have  finished  m> 
story,  said  the  doctor,  and  went  on.  I  cannot 
better  define  the  indications  of  this  organ  than  in 
the  words  of  one  of  Dr.  Gallgotha's  lectures. 

"  The  faculty  of  adhesiveness,1'  says  the  doctor, 
'' produces  the  instinctive  tendency  to  attach  one's 
self  to  surrounding  objects,  animate  and  inanimate. 
Those  persons  in  whom  it  is  very  strong,  feel  an 
involuntary  impulse  to  embrace  and  cling  to  the 
object  of  their  affections.  In  boys  it  frequently 
indicates  itself  by  attachment  to  dogs,  horses,  rab- 
bits, squirrels,  birds,  and  other  animals.  In  girls  it 
shows  itself  in  affectionate  embraces  of — 

"Of  what?"  interrupted  the  Man  Machine  ea- 
gerly. 

Of  dolls,  replied  the  other.      It  is  stronger,  and  the 
organ  is  larger  in  women  than  in  men.     When  too 
strong  it  produces  the  disease  called  nostalgia — 
.     "  What's  that  ?"  asked  Mr.  Quominus. 

When  feeble,  Dr.  Gallgotha  says,  it  turns  men 
into  hermits,  and  women  into  nuns.  The  organ  is 
large  in  Mary  Maginnes.* 


*  It  may  be  as  well  to  apprise  the  reader  ia  general,  that  near- 
ly the  whole  of  these  phrenological  data  has  been  borrowed  from 
.Mr.  Le  Peigne,  by  the  author  of  a  work  lately  published,  called 
F.lemenls  of  Phrenologv. — Ep. 


317 

The  last  cerebral  development  I  was  resolved  to 
insist  upon  in  the  phrenology  of  my  wife,  was  the 
organ  of  order, 

"  Where  is  that  to  be  found?"  asked  Mr.  Quo- 
minus. 

It  lies  contiguous  to  the  angle  of  the  frontal  bone, 
and  indicates  a  love  of  regularity,  and  habit  of  keep- 
ing every  thing  in  its  proper  place.  Doctor  Gall- 
gotha  established  this  indication  from  seeing  a  Dutch 
woman,  who  had  a  large  development  of  this  organ, 
actually  faint  away  at  finding  a  chair  out  of  its  place. 
It  is  also  prominent  in  the  Termcs  Bellicosus,  the 
honey  bee,  and  all  animals  and  insects  that  live  in 
communities.  No  animai,  however,  exhibits  it  in 
such  perfection  as  the  beaver. 

"  And  did  you  get  such  a  wonder  for  a  wife  ?" 
asked  the  Man  Machine. 

You  shall  hear,  returned  the  other.  It  was  along 
time,  and  not  until  1  began  almost  to  despair  of 
meeting  a  woman  phrenologicaiiy  perfect,  that  I 
succeeded  to  my  wishes.  At  length,  in  passing 
through  a  country  where  1  was  a  stranger,  I  en- 
countered one  that  answered  exactly  to  all  these 
indications.  I  inspected  her  cerebral  develop- 
ment and  found  all  the  indications  quite  perfect. 
This  was  all  I  wanted — I  made  no  further  inquiries, 
being  determined  to  put  dowu  the  enemies  of  the 
sublime  science  by  actual  demonstration. 
27* 


518 

-i  Had  she  the  sine  qua  non,  as  you  call  it  ?"  quoth 
the  Man  Machine. 

Beautifully  developed,  said  the  other.  I  made 
short  work  of  it.  We  were  married  out  of  hand, 
and  after  being  acquainted  just  long  enough  for  me 
to  examine  the  cerebral  development.  I  brought 
her  to  town  in  triumph,  as  a  being  destined  to 
insure  the  triumph  of  the  sublime  science.  I  took 
a  fine  house,  and  lectured  to  all  the  company  I 
could  persuade  to  visit  us,  upon  her  irrefragable 
cerebellum.  So  immersed  was  1  for  some  time  in 
this  extatic  scrutiny,  that  I  forgot  my  business,  my 
partner,  and  my  clerk,  until  a  friend  came  to  me 
one  day,  and  with  a  face  of  concern,  hinted  that 
our  business  was  going  on  at  a  sad  rate.  "  Your 
partner,"  said  he,  "is  either  a  rogue  or  an  ignora- 
mus— and  your  clerk  spends  his  time  at  taverns  and 
brothels.  Every  thing  is  at  sixes  and  sevens — you 
will  be  ruined  to  a  certainty,  if  you  are  not  so  al- 
ready."  "What!  in  spite  of  the  cerebral  develop- 
ment." "  In  spite  of  fate,"  replied  my  friend. 
"  Pshaw !"  replied  I — "  fate  is  a  mere  flea-bite  com- 
pared to  phrenology."  He  left  me  shaking  his  head 
with  an  air  of  great  concern. 

I  confess,  notwithstanding  my  reliance  upon  the 
cerebral  development,  I  was  a  little  uneasy  at  these 
warnings  of  my  friend.  My  wife  too  did  frequent 
violence  to  the  organs  of  order  and  adhesiveness — 
for  she  left  my  house  at  sixes  and  sevens,  and  seem- 
ed to  adhere  to  nothing  but  her  own  will.     We 


•     319 

never  had  any  children,  so  that  I  can't  say  how  it 
was  with  the  organ  of  phiioprogenitiveness — and  as 
*o  that  of  amativeness,  the  truth  of  its  augury  was 
demonstrated — only  there  was  a  little  mistake — 
she  embraced  her  lap-dog  ten  times  oftener  thai. 
me.  I  shall  pass  over  the  remainder  of  my  story 
with  all  brevity,  as  it  is  not  very  pleasant  to  my 
recollection,  nor  very  material  to  my  purpose  o( 
establishing  the  practical  truths  of  the  infallible 
science.  My  partner  dissolved  the  firm  about  two 
years  after  my  marriage,  by  running  away,  and 
leaving  me  answerable  for  debts  which  consumed 
all  I  had  in  the  world.  He  took  with  him  every 
thing  he  could  lay  his  hands  on  ;  even  my  invalua- 
ble clerk  with  the  beautiful  development,  accompa- 
nied the  second  Cosmo  De  Medicis,  and  I  never 
saw  either  of  them  again. 

My  house  and  furniture,  together  with  all  my 
phrenological  specimens,  not  excepting  my  wife, 
soon  departed  from  me,  either  by  course  of  law  or 
course  of  nature.  Though  entirely  destitute  of  the 
organ  of  combativeness,  she  held  John  Doe  and 
Richard  Roe  at  bay  three  whole  days,  and  defended 
the  fortress  like  another  Jane  de  Montfort.  At 
length,  however,  they  came  to  terms.  She  stipula- 
ted for  permission  to  march  out  with  bag  and  bag- 
gage, and  I  took  it  for  granted  that,  like  the  women 
of  Abensburg,  she  would  leave  all  her  finery  and 
carry  me  off  on  her  back  triumphantly.  But  I  was 
sadly   disappointed,   when,  after  packing    up  her 


i320 

clothes,  trinkets  and  other  things  exclusively  apper- 
taining to  herself,  she  came  up  to  me,  and  making  a 
low  courtesy,  bade  me  good  bye. 

"Where  are  you  going,  my  Hear?"  said  I — "what 
will  you  do  alone  in  the  world,  without  your  faith- 
ful husband.  You  had  better  stay  and  accom- 
pany me  to  prison." 

"  No,  thank  you,  my  dear,  as  much  as  if  I  did," 
replied  she,  making  another  low  courtesy — "  1  am 
too  prudent  a  woman  to  trust  myself  alone  in  the 
world,  and  am  not  very  fond  of  retirement.  One  of 
my  husbands  is  waiting  outside  with  a  hackney 
coach  to  take  me  home  with  him." 

"  One  of  your  husbands  !"  cried  I — "  Why,  how 
many  have  you  ?" 

"A  baker's  dozen,"  replied  she,  gliding  gracefully 
out  of  the  room. 

"  A  baker's  dozen  !"  cried  the  Man  Machine — 
"  this  comes  of  the  organ  of  amativencss  and  the 
sine  qua  non." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Quominus  gravely — "1  sup- 
pose this  put  an  end  to  all  doubts  as  to  the  infallible 
auguries  of  the  cerebral  development?" 

"  It  did,"  replied  tue  other — "  it  established  their 
truth  in  my  mind  beyond  all  contradiction  or  ques- 
tion." 

"  You  don't  say  so,"  quoth  the  other. 

But  I  do  say  so,  cried  Le  Peigne,  waxing  rather 
warm — I  affirm  that  the  failure  of  my  experiment  is 


321 


the  best  possible  proof  of  the  sublimity  of  the  sci- 
ence." 

«  Of  its  sublimity— not  of  its  truth,"  .observed 

Quominus. 

"  Of  its  truth,  sir.  Every  failure  in  demonstra- 
ting the  truth  adds  to  the  certainty  of  its  existence, 
and  leads  most  directly  to  a  discovery.  You  might 
as  well  say  that  there  was  no  new  world  before 
Columbus  discovered  it.  as  that  nothing  is  true 
until  it  is  proved  to  be  so.  The  science  of  phre- 
nology may  be  compared  to  an  undiscovered  coun- 
try—a— " 

"  A  terra  incognita,"  said  the  Man  Machine. 

"  An  island  of  Atalantis,"  said  Quominus. 

"An  Utopia,"  cried  the  other. 

"  A  survey  of  a  canal  across  the  Alleghanies," 
cried  Quominus. 

"  A  rail-way  over  the  Atlantic,"  roared  the  Man 

Machine. 

"  A  mountain  in  the  moon,"  vociferated  Quo- 


minus. 


"But  really,"  said  the  Man  Machine,  after  a  short 
pause—"  were  you  really— excuse  me— were  you 
really  such  a  goose  as  to  believe  in  the  cerebral 
developments  after  they  had  treated  you  so  scur- 
vily  ?  What  could  possess  you  ?" 

"  The  same  spirit  that  possessed  you  to  believe 
in  the  perfectibility  of  man,  and  your  friend  in  the 
perfection  of  reason," 


322 

''And  you  don't  believe  in  the  perfectibility  ui 
man,"  roared  the  Man  Machine. 

"  Nor  in  the  perfection  of  reason,"  exclaimed 
Mr.  Quominus,  half  laughing,  as  if  he  did  not  believe 
in  it  himself,  though  he  did  not  like  other  people 
to  call  it  in  question. 

"  No  more  than  I  believe  the  moon  is  made  of 
green  cheese,  and  peopled  with  Welsh  rabbits.  But 
I  do  not  wonder  at  your  putting  these  visionary  fol- 
lies and  absurd  theories  in  competition  with  my 
demonstrative  science,  since  I  perceive  quite  plain- 
ly, each  of  you  is  entirely  destitute  of  the  organ  of 
comparison." 

"  No  organ  of  comparison  !"  exclaimed  the  Man 
Machine. 

"  No  organ  of  comparison  !"  cried  Quominus. 

"  No,  sir — nor  of  wit — nor  order — nor  time — 
nor  tune — nor  causality — norconstructiveness — nor 
colouring — nor  number — nor  ideality — which  is 
synonymous  with  genius.  Your  cerebral  develop- 
ments are  horrid — your  indications  abominable— 
your  cerebellum-;  no  belter  than  pine  barrens — and 
the  backs  of  your  beads  have  no  more  meaning 
than  other  people's  faces." 

"  No  genius!"  cried  the  Man  Machine. 

"  A  pine  barren  !"  exclaimed  Quominus. 

"  He  is  terribly  under  the  influence  of  the  coun- 
teracting principles." 


32S 

"  He  is  worse  than  Caveat  Emptor,  or  Locus  in 
quo." 

"  I  could  make  better  skulls  out  of  a  potatoe,'" 
said  Le  Peigne,  furiously. 

"  Or  the  head  of  the  Lovely  Nancy,"  retorted 
the  Man  Machine,  who  with  Quominus  burst  into  a 
roar  of  laughter  at  this  lucky  hit. 

I  have  seen  people  keep  their  temper  when  the 
argument  was  against  them,  but  I  never  knew  even  a 
philosopher  that  could  stand  two  to  one  against  him 
in  a  laugh.  Le  Peigne  lifted  up  a  stout  ivory  head- 
ed cane  with  intent,  as  I  believe,  to  let  it  fall  on 
the  cerebral  development  of  the  Pupil  of  Circum- 
stances;  but  that  expert  Spinning  Jenney  warded 
off  the  blow  with  his  cocked  hat,  which  was  unfor- 
tunately knocked  overboard,  ami  the  cane  lighted 
directly  on  the  combative  organ  of  the  Perfection  of 
Reason.  Each  of  the  Wise  Men  now  started  up 
for  the  purpose  of  defending  his  person,  or  his  the- 
ory ;  and  in  the  confusion  the  jolly  Bowl,  being  left 
without  a  cockswain,  imperceptibly  drifted  into  the 
eddying  circles  of  a  great  whirlpool,  supposed  to  be 
the  Maelstrom  of  Norway.  Here,  after  whirling 
round  and  round  for  some  time,  it  unluckily  struck 
against  the  head  of  the  Man  Machine,  who  was  dodg- 
ing to  avoid  a  second  application  of  the  ivory  head- 
ed cane.  The  concussion  of  these  two  hard  bodies 
proved  fatal  to  the  Bowl,  which  parted  exactly  in 


324 

two  pieces,  just  as  it  floated  to  the  centre  of  the 
vortex,  in  which  the  whole  party  was  suddenly 
engulphed.  The  last  vestige  of  them  that  was 
seen,  was  the  tip  of  the  ivory  headed  cane,  which 
the  doctor  seemed  still  flourishing  in  vindication 
of  the  infallible  science. 

What  became  of  these  renowned  philosophers  is 
not  precisely  known.  The  most  probable,  and  at 
the  same  time,  the  most  consoling  opinion  is,  that 
this  tremendous  vortex  was  one  of  the  great  avenues 
to  the  newly  discovered  Concentric  Spheres  ; 
and  that,  consequently,  there  is  a  possibility  at  least 
that  our  illustrious  trio  may  have  tound  in  soitk 
other  world,  what  they  vainly  sought  in  this. 


PBE    END. 


Date  Due 


